Dad is a narcissist. He's always been one. Our issues go way back. Since he had a stroke, his behavior is on steroids, he's verbally and emotionally abusive. They have a live in aide now, who is more like a glorified companion that gets $200 a day cash. He said if I don't completely take over mom's care, I can't know anything. He sarcastically said you're too busy, you have a child (I do, she's 5). He said I'm the daughter who should be taking care of her mother. He again sarcastically said he has his own "baby" and "issues". He has not set up anything for Mom as far as POA, no trust for her in case he goes first, doesn't care if she goes to follow ups, doesn't care if she refuses care, such as PT. She just refused an MRI in the hospital this past week.
Mom has dementia, fecal incontinence, refuses care, smokes, has gotten so weak she can't walk, can't remember to eat, can't cook, or use the microwave (just a few things).
My husband told my dad he should contact an elder attorney and set something up for mom. I refuse to clean up the chaos he creates any longer. He gets enjoyment of leaving chaos for me to clean up. For example, he has literally said it looks like someone sh*t all over the bathroom, go clean it up. It took me three hours to clean that bathroom. The entire time the house heat was jacked to 84 degrees. I was crying, covered in sweat, feces, and bleach. Yes, I asked him to turn the heat down. He said, "what about me???"
He didn't even tell us the hospital moved her to a rehab facility yesterday. I had to call around to the local ones to see where she's at. He makes it impossible. Just thinking about dealing with him gets me anxious. I wasn't going to participate, just read on the site. Today finding out he's decided not to tell us anything is the last straw. I don't know what I can do, other than be completely estranged.
Didn't you say you bought their home because your father played you? If so, why is he selling his condo?!! Doesn't that belong to you? If so, you might consider putting a lien on it or speaking with an attorney about it! Just trying to help you! I hope that things are going well for you! 🙏
It would have been too difficult for you to care for your five year old and your mom who needs so much care.
Plus, your dad doesn’t get to order his grown daughter around. He thought that he could make demands and have you follow his instructions. Glad that you weren’t agreeable to allowing him to have things his way. Good for you!
I was an in-home caregiver for 25 years (both agency and private). I now operate my own homecare business. The things I have named here are the duties of a live-in caregiver. Their job is not just to sit there and smile at someone all day. You have a word with their live-in that either she gets up off her lazy a$$ and starts working or she will be getting snitched out to the IRS or the INS depending on which applies.
Secondly, send APS and the police to your parents's house to do regular wellness checks. They will. I'm pretty sure they will take action and well they should. Yes, you'll be throwing the live-in under the bus, but she deserves to be if she's getting paid for services and isn't providing them. Throw her under the bus big-time.
The lack of work ethic in homecare makes me sick.
Next you should petition for conservatorship over your mother. Clearly your father is not coping and very likely has dementia himself. A classic symptom of Alzheimer's disease is secretiveness and creating chaos. He had a stroke himself and it sounds to me like he is incompetent himself and needs care. Ask for the wellness checks from the police and APS.
In the meantime, DO NOT clean up another mess for them put out another fire. Many times you have to let things get worse before they can get better. Talk to an elder law attorney. Just for a consultation so see how best you can move foward with your parents.
The good thing now is my dad was told mom can't return home. He told my husband on Sunday he was moving and selling their condo. He went to a very nice assisted living/nursing home with memory care services yesterday. Mom will follow when she's released from rehab. But he had told my husband that mom was being released early. I spoke with the rehab when I visited my mom yesterday. It's not true. They are keeping, there's no release date as of yet. I asked the social worker to call him, because he had it all wrong.
The aide is out of the cushy job. The bar was set low with that one. But my dad was the one who set the bar, a nightmare.
It's no secret, I'm intimidated by my dad. He makes me feel 12. I don't think I could petition. My dad told my husband about his move 3 days before he did it. He keeps secrets from everyone. His own friend that visits every morning and brings coffee didn't know until the day of. It's insane.
My dad is now at the assisted living facility. He moved in yesterday. My mom will join him there when she's released from the rehab. They supply their medications, food, assistance with bathing, social events, they also have memory care. It costs less than having the least helpful live-in aide on the planet.
At this point it's thought she's in late state dementia.
* You need to STOP your behavior.
* You are allowing your dad to disrespect / if not abuse you (perhaps a lifelong pattern).
* Remove yourself from this situation ASAP.
* If you feel intervention is needed, call APS (Adult Protective Services).
* You need to feel worthy to make healthy decisions for yourself - and your mother. You appear to be unable to do this now.
* Get into therapy. You appear to need support of a mental health professional - to feel better about yourself as a whole functioning being. You are allowing your dad to behave / treat you as he has likely for all of your life. Only you can change this by how you respond (as) you will never change his behavior.
* You need to let go of 'all this.' Stop holding on to what you cannot control. Then, you will have a larger perspective and less anxiety and perhaps fear, and then able to make healthy decisions for all concerned. It starts with healthy decisions for yourself.
Gena / Touch Matters
Its been life long, dealing with his personality. The control has been life long. The devaluation has been life long. None of what I get from my dad is new. It's new for me calling it what it is and removing myself from his line of fire.
I 100% agree I have less anxiety when I'm not dealing with him. 😊
( unsafe and biological hazard / feces etc, negligence re: your mother etc) .
When he starts abusive behavior, call 911 and have them transport him to ER where you can then confer with team including social services about how to proceed.
Get help....
You are being abused...
Your mother is being neglected...
You may also be well served by consulting with an Elder Care Attorney.
See your own PCP for your own self care...
Re D, your last post says you are at “zero contact with him again”. So that leaves M. You say “Honestly, my mom is sweet on the phone...but most times she's miserable. In her defense she has depression too, but she's started some doozies at the house about not showering, not wanting to go to the drs and wanting cigarettes. It's very sad, she kind of just sits there pouting watching her shows, no conversation. She refuses all her care and dad let's her”.
It sounds as though your ability to change things for your M (or to change your M) is as limited as your ability to change D. M had decades to stand up to D, and she didn’t. You would need a magic wand to intervene in that toxic mix. I know well from my own experience that when one person is ‘worse’, you tend to exonerate the other, when in fact they and their toleration are an essential part of the problem.
It may be that the best thing you can do is to leave any ‘solution’ to the state agencies or to chance. Not what you want, but if you can’t solve things, don’t punish yourself.
I posted a response above that the rehab is releasing my mom way sooner than we thought. My parents are moving into a nursing home together. She doesn't know yet, but in all honesty it will be better for her. She's bed ridden. She's either not participating or plateaued in pt. When I visited her yesterday she, as usual, barely conversed. When I asked her if she was tired and wanted to go to sleep she said yes. It was a 10 min visit. I'm hoping the nh will be a better place for her.
This woman needs to feel she deserves respect. And that isn't easy with a (likely) life-long dysfunctional relationship with her father/parent(s). This inner psychological pull doesn't stop overnight.
That she did this shows she needs professional help. I, too, suggested / encouraged her to call APS. She needs to remove herself from the situation until she heals herself. Otherwise, it will be revolving door spiraling down to an unfortunate outcome.
I ended up going to counseling regarding setting boundaries. Set the expectation with him of what you are willing to do and maintain that. I wish you peace in this situation.
Then block him on your phone and trespass him from coming on your property or making calls to threaten you.
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Your only and major concern now is for your mother’s care and comfort. If your father is refusing to allow you to have a say in her care then it’s time to call in your State’s APS as others on this forum have suggested.
Again, for YOUR own sanity, you need to walk as far away (in fact, run as far away) from your father as you can and let your father wallow in his own self-pity, but try your best to make sure your mother is in a safe place and is being taken care of.
Try to think of it as being estranged from his illness, rather than him. Get your mom in a facility. Call Adult Protective Service if nec.
II have gotten very close to God and have tried to do a lot of letting go! If it were me and my mom was put in a rehab and would not be going back to a good situation, I would ask the doctors if they could perhaps look into perhaps having her have better care in assisted living. If need be, take pictures of the house in disarray and see if you can get guardianship of your mom. That way your dad will not be involved. Maybe you could set up a group like naborforce who are seniors as well and help to take care of other seniors. That way you will not have to focus on him and take his continual his abusiveness. Sending you prayers and wishing you all the best!
Your father won’t be happy about all of this, but remember his stroke is impairing his judgment even more now.
You probably know that's a bunch of cow manure. When your dad married your mom and took vows for "sickness and health, better or worse", etc, he WAS signing up for "it".
Have your read Cloud and Townsend's book, "Boundaries"? I highly recommend it. I've struggled with boundaries also.
Strike a balance between which choices you can live with. Only you can determine this (not us).
You will outlive your mom and someday you will not be able to visit her ever again. So compress enough visits in the time you have together to last for your lifetime.
As for the comment about cleaning the bathroom, this may be the wrong crowd to gripe to. We all sympathize snd empathize, but put on your big girl gloves, mentally hold your nose and just clean it up. This is part of life and death, living and care-providing and being a kind person for others. We all will make such messes and clean up such messes and if you can’t handle cleaning that up, you have no right to hospital care or EMT services or surgery when you need it. Your mom cleaned for you when you couldn’t do so yourself. Do not humiliate your Mom or any other human if they need help. This insensitive comment diminishes the credibility of the rest of your question.
You've gotten great answers but most especially from Alva. Your mom has been abused and if you want to do something about it you need to start now. She could easily be out of rehab and home in a week if she "fails to progress" at rehab. Good luck, you've got a great community here to help you with questions.
Terrible position to be in, my sympathies.
You should not be doing anything for your father at this point; the caregiver is getting $200 a day to doing light housekeeping, caring and cooking, which should be enough to sustain them. She can call 911 should the need arise, and if she agrees to keep you informed, that should solve the issue you're facing. I'm sorry you're in such a position to begin with, it has to be very hard on you.
If mom is in rehab, why not go visit her there? That's what I'd do if it were me. You know dad won't likely be around, and that's a great way to cast eyes on mom and give her a hug w/o dad being around to irritate you.
Best of luck
My mom had palliative care visiting. The nurse called me last month and told me the aide seems to get on very well with my dad, but not my mom. Palliative care was aware of my concerns. The social worker and the nurse were scattering their appointment every 2 weeks just to keep an eye out. Each one visited once a month. I'm not sure if my dad and mom m cancelled that. I haven't heard anything in almost two months.
Mom just got to the rehab yesterday. I spoke with her today. I'll visit her tomorrow.