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This post broke my heart.

I bet your mom is a real sweetie (seriously). Seems that so often the Narcs find the victims in their relationships.

Right now your mom is not home, correct? This would be the time to get her permanently moved to a care facility. Out of your dad's clutches--and away from his abuse. If she has dementia, this may make it easier to do that.

Get your DH to back you up and go visit dad--on your terms and tell him you cannot be a PT CG and you have a life/family that needs you. Tell him he's literally ruining your life with his crazy demands and let him know if needs be you will be going 'legal' on him. (He doesn't need to know that you probably won't)....

Tell him you will no longer come over and clean up messes he's capable of cleaning. Yes, you do have some level of responsibility to mom, to keep her safe and right now, living with him, she's not.

If dad continues to be a jerk, cut all ties with him. He sounds like a piece of work.

You can also call APS on him. Narcs don't do well when they are confronted.

If he's dropping $6K+ a month on private CG's, he can afford a decent NH for her. She probably would be glad to be away from him.

My uncle was a grade-A narc and his sweet wife, my aunt, died of breast cancer at the age of 53. The kids all believed, with all their hearts, that their dad's horrible treatment of her is really what killed her.
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Fedup45 Jan 2023
Honestly, my mom is sweet on the phone...but most times she's miserable. In her defense she has depression too, but she's started some doozies at the house about not showering, not wanting to go to the drs and wanting cigarettes. It's very sad, she kind of just sits there pouting watching her shows, no conversation. She refuses all her care and dad let's her.

The aide's responsibilities include light cleaning and light cooking. The house seems decent. I haven't cleaned for him since that last bathroom incident. Other than packing his house and downsizing his belongings for him when he moved. We bought his house. That was a disaster too. It's where I realized he targeted me, did and said things just to hurt me and get a rise. When I confronted him he said what more do you want, you got the house. I replied with we bought your house. You didn't give it to us. We didn't get a deal either 🤣.

I only spoke to him this past week, because mom was in the hospital. I refused to call him since Oct. It was a nice peaceful run.

My husband has been there for the conversations with my dad. He's 100% with me. What my dad doesn't understand is that my husband and I are a unit. When my husband runs errands for him, it's our time he's using. When I send food to my parents on the holidays, it's from us. My dad only contacts my husband when he wants something. My husband wants nothing to do with my dad at this point.
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You are, it sounds like, going to have to contact authorities. Your father is currently abusing your Mother. She needs guardianship and placement in safe care. This is not something you can handle alone. You need authorities and she needs wellness and welfare checks. I would document and keep diaries now, do filming if you are able. This is out of control and your mother is living in the middle of severe abuse. I am so very sorry. I wish I could tell you to walk away, and when your Mom is gone I hope you will abandon this guy to the wolves, but for now your mother is in danger it sounds, and I would call APS or the police. If they assess that there is no danger to her and her paid caregivers are enough, then yes, I believe I would walk away from this. That would mean you are helpless to help, and would only become a part of an abusive cycle. A fight for guardianship would likely be lost to a husband who IS hiring caregivers at this point, to the tune of 200.00 a day. And a fight for guardianship would run a minimum of 10,000 with you responsible for court costs if you lost.
Consider consulting with an attorney with your husband about how to move forward in gathering evidence of abuse. Or to hear what other options may exist. I am so sorry about this dreadful dreadful situation. It is purely and simply elder abuse.
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Fedup45 Jan 2023
I don't have the money to fight for guardianship. He knows that. I also told him I'm not paying to fix his chaos.

Thankfully, she is absolutely safe now. I just spoke to her at the rehab. She said everyone is very nice and doesn't need anything. ☺️
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Wow your dad is quite a gem!

Why was your mom in the hospital? Maybe from rehab it will be a good time to move her directly to whatever level of care is appropriate for her. I'm sure you have NO desire to spend another 3 hours cleaning up a poopy bathroom! I would stop doing ANYTHING that helps your dad. Poopy bathroom? Well, dad, you better clean it or call a hazmat service to come do it because I am NEVER doing that again. If mom went into a facility, you'd be able to see her and completely cut your dad out.
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Fedup45 Jan 2023
He ability to walk has deteriorated treating in a month and a half. She fell multiple times using her walker. She was in a lot of pain. He did call EMS... she's getting medicine she needs now, along with the necessary pt. It's a subacute rehab and they can keep her up to 100 days to do pt, which is fantastic. I'm still not sure how she fell so many times and the aide lives there.
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