I have had a lot of stress lately from seeing to the welfare of my parents even though they reside in a nursing home. I tried to tell my friend this and her reply was, “Why on earth would you be stressed? Are they ill?” I nearly blew a fuse but remained quiet for fear of doing that. She knows my mum is in late stages Alzheimer’s and my dad in late stages vascular dementia.
If she says that she will always be your friend and nothing you say will change that, then go for it.
Yes, both my Mum (love that) and Dad are ill, not in the normal physical way, but mentally. They have _____ and until you have walked in my shoes you will never know the stress that this causes watching your parents leave you behind mentally and very soon physically. May I please have a Kleenex now?
I think it's very difficult for people who have not experienced this encroaching mental deterioration to know how to deal with this and I would agree that only those folks who are walking our same path can truly understand what we go through. I have other friends who have lost their moms to Alzheimer's and their comments and questions are totally different from those whose parents died from physical issues.
I am still in charge of so much of my mom's life, even though I am no longer involved in the physical day to day care, and the weight of watching my mom mentally fade away sometimes feels like a clamp around my heart. When she has a bad day and is angry or agitated, or begs to go home (she has been there almost 2 years) I walk away from the home feeling as though my energy has been totally
depleted. And I still have to function with my life so with time, I have learned to compartmentalize my two lives for my own mental and physical health.
In the book/movie, Still Alice, the protagonist who has early onset, comments that she wishes she had cancer because people would organize fundraisers and rally around her condition, while with a mental issue, people don't want to get too close. Losing oneself so totally is a scary thought and many people don't want to be reminded of the potential for that to happen to them. I don't know the nature of your friends, but perhaps fear is an issue. A support group and activities that put you in touch with other caregivers is probably your best course for true empathy. I organized a team and did a Walk Against Alzheimer's and was surrounded by many, many people who knew exactly how and what I felt because they were feeling it too.
You are not alone.
Arlene Hutcheon
This is a very difficult part of life emotionally, mentally, and spiritually - as ONLY those who have gone through it can attest, appreciate, understand, comprehend, and empathize.
Friends who have been supportive and helpful at other times/events in life may not be able to relate to this situation unless they've gone through it - and often not unless they've gone through your particular situation (how much you are involved and what duties you are doing).
I actually found only 1 person that I knew in my life had gone through something similar to me - I took care of (was the 24/7 nurse) my mother for the last 3 yrs of her life which included bathing, food and drink by hand, changing her diaper and managing her catheter, and moving from hospital bed to wheelchair for change of environment and fresh outdoor air.
The only other people I found that actually related were people in communities such as this online one (and others) who did something similar.
*Know* that there are others who have gone through what you are, and will continue to do so. Bless you for whatever you can do, and try not to become discouraged at the fact it's hard to find others we naturally know that have done the same. At the very least I'd recommend reading stories or posts by people who have done what you have to get that "common human connection" of relatability.
Huge hugs from me. Take good care of yourself in the process - stretching, eating well, supplements if you decide to do so (probiotics have been amazing for me), some exercise (even brisk walks), and connecting/talking with others who can understand/relate.
JT
If you haven’t walked in these shoes, you just can’t get it.
I am sure if they had they would not say it.
i understand , I get it ! it’s hard and your strong !
not everyone will get “it” !
keep in touch that is why there is
thank s web site.
Big hugs
My parents ran into some financial difficulties a number of years ago. They refinanced the house. So now there is a mortgage. The nursing home is taking all of Dad's SSI money and this does not leave enough to pay the house payments. We went from recieving around $1100 per month down to $135.50 per month. Now, we don't have enough money to buy gas to put in the car.
I truly believe that the money problems alone can exacerbate the stress one hundred fold.
please take care, and we share your burden!
Caregiversister