I have had a lot of stress lately from seeing to the welfare of my parents even though they reside in a nursing home. I tried to tell my friend this and her reply was, “Why on earth would you be stressed? Are they ill?” I nearly blew a fuse but remained quiet for fear of doing that. She knows my mum is in late stages Alzheimer’s and my dad in late stages vascular dementia.
I haven’t read the other answers yet, but I’m sure you have heard-and experienced- that our life as caregivers tends to be very lonely, and that is because people either,
1- Don’t understand -as in don’t have a clue- about what our life is. Or,
2- They pretend not to understand, because understanding may imply actually being expected to help. Or,
3- They really, truly don’t care.
But like I said, in this particular case and specially because she seems to be aware of the situation (Alzheimer’s, etc), she is lacking the empathy factor...and I have to wonder, completely lacking empathy can someone actually be a good friend to you?
Think about that a little. If there is a benefit caregiving brings with it is that it helps us see things, people and situations and value them for what or who they really are and their significance, including “friends”. I’m not saying anything against her, maybe she is a good friend to you in other situations, but it is very hard for me to understand how someone can not have the intellectual and emotional intelligence to realize why you were/are stressed out, when the reasons are obvious, at least should be for a friend.
As to your general question of how do you get people to understand your life, specially as a caregiver, I would say you don’t. There will be some people that love you and care about you and will naturally be able to empathize with what you go through, but those sadly will be a minority. Most people fall under one of the three buckets I mentioned, until one day it is them who happen to become caregivers, and even then, some will never get it.
Keep your expectations low, and try to surround yourself with those few that not only can, but want to understand and even help along the way.
A hug to you, and be sure that here we ALL understand you!
That is so much the truth how can anyone be true to you if they can't apply the same feeling to other situations appropriately?
Thank you for your take!
Most likely it will if their parents, direct relatives are still living. I know this sounds awful, I do. I have come to envy my contemporaries who are orphans. Whose parents are deceased and never experienced any of this.
Those who say you are so lucky to,have x or y still with you.
Am I now? You want to scream at them, come spend a week in my shoes.
In the meantime, you have this fabulous group of people. Who will listen, offer constructive advice, and know well, very well, from whence you come.
This board IS the port in the storm.
You would not resent a blind person for not appreciating the Mona Lisa or the Sistine Chapel. You would not blame a deaf person for ignoring the Boston Pops playing Mozart. Trying to explain your concern for your parents to this person and then being angry because they don't get it is an exercise in futility. This person can still be a friend, if you want them to be, and if they have other qualities you value. But you may have to accept the fact that if you want to visit the Sistine Chapel, you need to choose a companion that can actually see it.
Take deep breaths and count to ten, maybe....
Grace + peace,
Bob
You will find no better support than the good folks here that are living this right along with you. I don't know what I would've done without this lifeline. Even before I made a couple of posts here, just reading about all these things I've come up against, and how others have handled it, (and just knowing you all are there) has helped me so much. I don't feel so isolated, and I know beyond the shadow of a doubt that SOMEONE gets it, even if it's not the people in my immediate contact that I wish did get it.
So vent away here, we get it, we're giving you hugs.