How do I firmly, but kindly, help my mom to adjust to her new living situation?

Her 'wishes' are no longer of importance. Her health and safety is.

My husband has similar behaviors and was diagnosed with dementia five years ago! Take her keys. She cannot/should not drive! The near-accidents helped me make the decision to have my husband tested. The first thing I was told was that he definitely should NOT drive. In the interim, see if you can visit and meet some women at a nearby ASF. Maybe you can befriend one or two and bring your mother to meet your new friend(s). Maybe the two of you can visit when they’re playing bingo. (I know in the time of Covid, it may not be an option — just an idea.) My husband is staunchly refusing to consider living outside of our home, but he loves the attention he gets from having respite workers come two half-days a week. He would LOVE having ASF workers catering to his needs. He just doesn’t know it yet!

Our daughter recently purchased a home in our area. The idea was to offer emotional support. They purchased a three bedroom home that was well taken care of. They have a garage under the house and it is quite small. She wants me to invest in a 3 car garage to put on their property. The city where they have moved allows to turn a garage into a mother-in-law suite.

We are not at a point in our lives to afford to do this. Mentally, it would take an adjustment to move into a back yard close to an alley and other backyards. Sadly, when the purchased a home without considering their needs when they get old. The bathroom doors are so small you cannot even use a walker.

I am writing this because I can see the pros and the cons of moving out of a home where you can go from room to room opposed to having a separate mother-in-suite. However, if this is the course I am offered later in my life, I would like to think I can make it work. I trust I won't be so set in my ways - or be afraid of change.

I am sole caregiver for my husband. When he has a good day it is much easier for me to have a great day. When we take care of our loved ones it is different from a caregiver from the outside. We are accustomed to see them in their healthy bodies and I believe it makes us lose patience - cause we have to repeat ourselves over and over - the impatient part of me thinks "how many times do I need to say this?

If your Mom can decorate her space and have a small flower/garden area would that help. As a senior I can tell you it is scary when you can no longer function as you had all your life. Mostly, I believe most of us don't want to be a burden, but we don't know how to get done the things we once use to do ourselves.

Bless you all for doing what you have done. If you live in Virginia, we'll make use of all your hard work. Ha Ha

Your mother has probably reached a point that she does not like any changes. This move into an in-law apartment is just another change to her - even if she likes it and agreed to the move.

The best advice I can give is to remain positive. Maybe put up pictures of the place to she gets used to seeing the rooms. Talk about how she agreed to this move. Talk with the family members and ask each person/family to remind her about their plans to visit or help.

Expect that she will have some unsettled days/weeks while she adjusts to this new change. If she is very anxious, talk to her doctor about anti-anxiety medication to help her relax into her new home with a schedule to slowly wean her off them.

As lealonnie1 pointed out, there isn't a lot of background info about mom (we don't need the fine details, but if we're talking memory loss/dementia, then the approach might be different. All too often those with early cognitive (or even later) loss don't want to move, feel they are fine, hate the thought of any kind of facility, and so on. My mother had AL in her plans, before dementia. After? NEVER. She wouldn't consider moving anywhere, but AL would be the worst! There was no way to discuss it with her, she would shoot down anything said about it. The decision was no longer hers. I tried bringing aides in, 1hr/day to get her used to it, but that didn't last long. She refused to let them in, maintaining that she was perfectly fine. In her case, we had to come up with a reason for her to move, something that she would accept (ungraciously) and had no other option.

If there's no memory issue, I would perhaps humor her when she "...is talking about living there for a while but states she plans to move elsewhere." Okay mom, until we can find another place, this is it. Set a date and go for it. As someone else suggested, perhaps make some excuse, like some major work needs to be done on your place, so you all have to move for now. The "for now" until we find a place could work even if memory issues are in the mix.

"I understand this desire could and will likely pass, but she is pretty miserable about all if it right now."
This statement could mean she will get used to it, or that she has early dementia and will forget. IF she's competent and will forget, great. IF she's in early dementia, even if she accepts the move, she isn't going to be "ok" living in it alone for long.

I agree with another comment - if you provide respite, do it in HER place, not yours. For that matter, when the move happens, plan to visit in her place, once, twice a week, if possible, for a little while. It lets her feel more like this is her own place, where she can "entertain" and be queen of the abode.

I also agree that some assessment might be necessary. Unfortunately that should have been done before all the work and expense was done. IF she is in the early stages of dementia, it would have been better to make the move to the graduated living center. Most, if not all, object to this move - maybe they initially agree, but then dementia takes over and yuck, never!

Hopefully you can facilitate the move. I wouldn't focus on how "unfair" it is to you all. Again, if dementia is at play, you have to make it all about THEM, not you. Even then sometimes no words work. You just have to make plans, pack up whatever she needs immediately, and make the move. If you can have it ready to go, with minimal packing, plan a lunch there, with everyone, and then she stays while you go home. Make the move itself enjoyable. She might still be miserable when you all leave, but she's not exactly happy now, is she?

You are acting, with your mother, as though this is a choice. I would explain to her, as you say, gently, that it is no longer a choice. That she is not safe living alone (if this is the case and she is diagnosed). That she will either have to live here or she will have to move to Nursing Home or Assisted Living. Yes, she is sad. Wouldn't you be sad if this were happening to you as well? It is loss of everything, your choice, your home, your life. It is loss after loss. Allow her to mourn her loss, and tell her you are sorry; to see her in this kind of pain causes you all pain, but that not everything can be fixed.

Some ASL facilities will allow a potential resident to "try it out" for a while without a full commitment. We did this for mom and it worked out until it was time to commit and she balked but eventually realized that it was the best. She loved all of us and didn't want to be a burden. She would call me on a regularly basis crying: "I don't belong here"! So heartbreaking. The facility's director advised us to give it time that mom would come around. In about 3 weeks, she was the bell of the ball. Mom would say "it's not home", but it's not bad.

Make the move and she how she adjusts. Give it a try is supportive to her verbally. Highly unlikely she's going to move out 'in a while'. Could she arrange such a move, could she find other housing on her own? It's kike of like moving to your house, she probably really didn't want to but she did. She has sunk in to that home and now it's familiar and comfortable. The inlaw apartment will be the same. One thing about being in separate apt is to be sure she has quite a bit of contact with those on the property or you each day. To go from being around you to seeing no one will set this whole arrangement up for failure.

Problem 1 seems to be you have to get mom out of your house into your siblings house...
Tell mom that you have to have work done on your house and it is going to cause some disruption and it might be better for her to move into the apartment that is now ready.
Pick a date in Feb that the work will start and she has to move by the week before so you can get ready.
To make your point you can even bring in some color swatches and tape them to the walls.
Problem 2 seems to be that mom does not want to stay in this apartment. ...
this might be for a variety of reasons.
She is comfortable where she is (no one likes change)
She knows how things work now and is nervous/scared at the change.
Reassure her that everything will be just fine.
Problem 3 seems to be that mom wants to move to another place other than the apartment.....
Tell mom that a move to someplace else right now is not a good idea and that when it is safe she can move.

It just might be that your sibling will realize that caregiving is a bit more difficult that just having an in-law apartment. As there is a decline she will need more and more help and at that time a move to Assisted Living,, Memory Care or Skilled Nursing might be in order.

You have to be able to separate 'wants' from 'needs' now with an elderly mother & her future care. At some point, her wishes have to be set aside and her safety and best interests have to be considered instead, along with the expense that's already been undertaken by you & your siblings thanks to her refusal to go into senior living. Now she doesn't have a choice; she moves into this in-law apartment for a predetermined period of time, say 6 months (or whatever) to see how she likes it. If she doesn't like it, which she probably won't, THEN she goes into the senior living center, period. It's not a game of musical chairs where she gets to change her mind willy nilly, but a serious situation with lots of money and emotions at stake.

If your mother is anything at all like mine, she's not going to be happy no matter WHERE she lives or WHAT you do for her. So what's the difference?

If her memory AND her mood is bad, she should be given a full physical by her PCP and a cognitive exam to check for dementia. Bad memories and bad moods are hallmark symptoms of dementia, so that may be a factor as to what's going on here. You don't mention her age in your profile, or other health conditions, etc., so that would help us help YOU if we had more details.

If your mother is anything at all like mine, she's very very bad at making decisions of ANY kind and needs to have them made FOR her. Once a decision is made for her, she's better able to accept it and that's that. It's only when SHE has a say in things that the trouble ensues. She will second guess herself something awful, and create such a level of pure chaos, that nothing can get accomplished at all. So, with my mother, I lay down the law: this is how it WILL be mom and there are NO other options. In your situation, I would say, Mom, we have all decided (as a family) that you will be living in the apartment until summertime and then we'll reevaluate how everything is going come Fall.

If she doesn't take to that idea, then her other option is to go into senior living immediately. BUT, she will need a full medical exam FIRST so you will know what level of care, if any, she will require in senior living. Independent, assisted, etc. Know what you're dealing with BEFORE decisions are made. Leaving an elder entirely in charge of her life without knowing all of the medical details is a mistake, you know? That's not to say she has NO say in her life, you just need to know WHAT you're dealing with.

Sit down with the siblings & come up with a plan; then you present that plan as a united front to your mother. No diversion from the plan, no cracks in the front, either. United you stand, together, to protect & care for your mother. That's the goal!

My mother is 94 with moderate to late dementia. It came on slowly and was finally diagnosed at my insistence in 2016 but I KNOW for a fact she had it a couple of years beforehand. I had her and dad placed in Assisted Living in 2014, thank God, before she burned down the kitchen or got lost on one of her 'strolls' around a strange neighborhood alone.

Wishing you the very best of luck with a tough situation.

It's unfortunate that a lot of expense has been shouldered by your sib without apparently any understanding of the fact that this is inevitably going to be much more than just giving your mother a home, there will be caregiving needs that will only increase with time. I don't think there is a lot that can be done on your end to act as a buffer between your mother and sibling, that's something they have to figure out between them.
Be a good listener. Avoid saying I told you so - not even once. Don't give unsolicited advice (armchair quarterback). Be available to offer respite. And collect some helpful book titles and internet links (like this one) so that you can share them with your sib - but try not to say "hey, I think you should read this", rather "hey, I read this really good article about xxx, I can send you a link if you like".