Even the seraqual doesn't seem to calm my father and all he does is yell and scream at me. I know it's the disease, but the days get harder and harder. I'm at the point that I don't want to wake up anymore, because I dread the day ahead of me. I try being calm with him; I try talking to him gently, but he's so angry, almost violent. What do I do? Help please!
You asked "Why is it that women take such abuse?"
If I might be so bold, I think it has something to do with how women are raised vs how men are raised.
From my own family of origin stuff and much of what I've read here, it sounds like mothers with certain personality types, ( disorders), end up training their children, usually daughters, to take their abuse so they can control them and then later on in life they put up with abuse from others not because they like it but because they are familiar with it.
I've yet to see a book explaining the Borderline father because most of them are dead or in prison. It often is the combination of a borderline mother plus a weak father that trains children, particularly girls, to live with such overt and covert abuse as borderline mothers and narcissistic mothers can dish out. When my wife and I started dating, I could not believe the abuse she and her twin sister put up with from their "mommy dearest mother."
This is one reason so many daughters are walking on eggshells in the midst of some really thick F.O.G. I would be amiss to not include the fact that fathers can be very abusive and delivered either overtly or covertly. I would include too that society seems to expect women to put up with more and to do the caring for the elderly parents more than otherwise.
Ok, this is my sociological analysis for tonight.
When I said Dutchess of Discipline, I meant Rachel. My apologies for the "senior moment."
-- ED
Chloroform? Splendid idea. He needs to be sedated -- or given a regular dose of his own medicine. I'm not suggesting you turn into a Dutchess of Discipline, including a whip. But he needs to be stopped or exiled to some nursing home until he realizes that kind of behavior isn't going to be tolerated anymore.
Rachel dear, stop being a punching bag. He keeps getting away with it because you let him out of sheer guilt. Take charge, and get your self-respect back. After that, everything else is gravy.
Stay sane.
-- ED
Without going into my story and how long it took me to figure out what worked I will just offer what has worked for me but everyone is different. I don't raise my voice as all that did was make him angry. People tend to mimic your tone. When I reacted calmly and gently in tone, he would tone himself down. I also say to him, I can see that you are having a bad day, I don't need this and either do you, and leave the room. To my surprise it worked. That was for me. It's worth a try.
Personally, to keep your sanity, your health (and marriage), I would look into and Adult Family home. I just put my dad into one in December. He was in a nursing home prior to that for medical care and was not able to return home. As far as paying for it, he private pays until he qualifies for medicaid. Now I have the peace of knowing that he is in a good place and I don't have to feel that everything is on my shoulders as far as shopping for groceries, doing the laundry and cleaning the house.
I did a year and a half of that from a distance and it just wore me out. I gained weight, my hair started falling out and because of the stress, I ended up having to have physical therapy to release the stiff muscles I had developed during this.
When he was in the nursing home he was also on Seroquel. I said a pill for my dad was a pill for me. It was used to calm his agitation and also helped him sleep. So, to use that analogy, anything you do to make your dad's life easier, will make your life easier. If he is almost violent, it is time to do something else. You need your life back, you don't have to live his and you don't need to feel guilty about that. I'm sure he lived a good life and you deserve the same.
Try this site. I guarantee it will help you find the insights you need to deal with your father.
http://www.elderrage.com/
Jacqueline Marcell has experienced exactly what you are going through now and is also an Expert contributor to AgingCare.
Most of the behaviours like your dad's can be calmed with the right medications. Check with your doctor. Call your local office on aging if you can't get your doctor's ear.
Good luck! our parents need our care but not our entire life!
Why is he on Seroquel? That's an antipsychotic given to people with bipolar disorder or to treat schizophrenia. Seroquel is not for use in psychotic conditions related to dementia.
Call your doctor at once if you have any new or worsening symptoms such as: mood or behavior changes, anxiety, panic attacks, trouble sleeping, or if you feel impulsive, irritable, agitated, hostile, aggressive, restless, hyperactive (mentally or physically), more depressed, or have thoughts about suicide or hurting yourself.
You wrote "so angry, almost violent." Call the doctor who prescribed Seroquel to him and report this problem.
Make sure you're out of reach!
He's angry because at some level he knows he's losing it. I really believe that.
What I did with my mom, who was quite the yeller, screamer and all around yuk is do the 'It's NOT ok for you to talk to me that way.' AND 'call the moment' by saying to her, I know you're pissed, your brain is messing up and you must be scared to death!
That got her attention and I told her that she was safe and sound and that I wasn't going to leave her so she could quit acting like a jackass.
We both cried and we had more moments like that and slowly the yelling behavior was replaced with calming behavior of me telling her that she was safe and sound.
I believe that the yelling, etc is a form of acting out and that not all of that behavior can be placed with the disease. there's people on this site way more qualified than I to speak to a psych issue, but I am speaking to what I have witnessed with my mom who has Dementia.
It's a process and what worked for me and my mom may not work for you and your dad but what the hey, might as well try it. Beats wanting to crawl between the mattress and box spring in the morning and Rachel, I know the feeling.
How long have you been taking care of your Dad?
bless your heart and hang in there, everybody is here for you.
Bobbie