How do I handle dad's anger at me?

Margaret McKen. You are right. It is impossible. I am going to withdraw somewhat. I am going back to my every other weekend schedule. I pay bills already so no problem with that. I go down every other weekend and buy groceries and refill his meds box. We also would mow yards. But now that son in law is there he can take over that job. So I am going to back away. The caregiver who lives on property comes 3x a day for meals and then every other weekend. It is difficult to find caregivers to work weekends, especially if I want them to do 3 meals but not pay for them to be there all day. My dad is so money concious
that he knows I'm paying for help. It makes him mad and I've been dealing with that all this time too. Oh well... ya one day it will be over with. Idk about access to all the beer he wants because he gets beligerent and combative when drink. With my 2 almost 3 grandkids there that makes me really nervous.

You are clearly tied into an impossible situation. One option might be to disengage. Do you have to drive over every weekend? Do you need to be involved in the vehicles and the shed mess? Could you just stay away? Would it really matter if the bills just mount up? Just send a postcard twice a week, so no-one can say you don’t care? Or, as suggested, could you just let himself drink himself to death quickly, like he wants to? First cut off access to car keys and anything else that might injure others. Then make sure he has as much access to booze as he wants. A quick end the way he wants it, might be the best thing for him and for all the rest of you. And both these options might well go together!
You can get trapped into a huge continuing drama, because it’s hard to imagine life without it. Turning off, even for a month or two, might let you see other ways.

Well, I made a huge mistake. I didn't tell dad that I was removing the Blazer. And I didn't tell anyone else, except Niece whose taken possession of it. Oh man. I have a headache just thinking about it. So, dad didn't even notice it was gone yesterday. Today, at 8am, my SIL went to get the paper and saw it gone. So he alerted dad and my daughter. So dad calls the Highway Patrol to report it stolen. Daughter finally calls us and I tell her where it went. Shes on way to church so I call caregiver to go tell dad (whose on phone with HWY Patrol) that it isn't stolen. I let my husband talk to dad and he says "I KNOW WHAT YOU'VE DONE TO ME !!" and is so upset. But later glad that it's with niece and not stolen. But he's trying to find the phone number of an attorney so he can sick them on me. He said I was a liar and thief. Husband said "Vern, we discussed this vehicle going to Kris" but he's still mad. I guess he'll get over it but he's getting angrier and angrier at me. I going to stay away for awhile. If I can.

Janny61, it sounds like a very stressful and challenging situation. I suppose you can look towards the future. Eventually, he won't be as animated or resistant to care. In some ways that offers different challenges though. Take care of yourself.

Yes, I've been to Al Anon. the dementia throws a whole new aspect to living with the alcoholic because they do not reason. But I learned some things, mostly about not feeling guilty that I can't do anything to help him.

jeanne. I see your point. And I've thought about it. Maybe I should have just done that. Now I have my daughter, SIL and 2 grandkids there. It would be difficult to start now. Maybe bump it up to 4 a day and try to keep that level. His memory definitely is affected by the alcohol. Idk. Maybe I should have just let him go and be on his own years ago. Too late now.

Have you ever been to al anon? I haven't, but I've heard very good things about their support for those who love an alcoholic.

As you say, "It's just a matter of time." It really is a shame that he can't do as he pleases, and drink himself into a strong buzz daily. I can understand that if that makes life more difficult for others you want to prevent that. But as far as any benefits/risks to your father go, he should be the one to make those decisions. Absolutely stop him from driving. That puts others at risk and is not acceptable. But if the drinking risks are mostly to himself, that is a different matter (in my mind).

So. my brother's son was driving the truck. he was about 18. brother died (2012), son still driving truck (living in mobile home on dad's ppty). Actually it's a Chevy Blazer. So blazer overheats and son makes it home. His maternal grandmother gives him her newer car and so the Blazer sits. Son moves to WA state and says to his papa "you can have the Blazer" but NEVER changes title (due to it being in his dad's name). So, 3 yrs ago or so I printed off DMV papers and sent to son. Transfer title to papa! So we can take care of this vehicle. He never does it. Never puts the Blazer on non op either so fees/penalties keep accruing each year! At first papa had his own truck to drive but after his accident and his truck was totaled he didn't have anything to drive AND no license. He was injured so he had to recover too. My daughter and fam moved in (Feb 24) and I think dad is more stressed AND sees her going into town but she won't buy him beer and so he's mad. No one will buy him beer or take him to town to buy it. We DO buy beer and give him 2 a day.

Tried the Odouls. He hates it. Doesn't give him a buzz which is the whole goal.

Caregiver lives in Mobile Home now which is 75' from his house. She goes over and cooks his 3 meals and does his laundry and sheets, etc. Gives him his meds. She intercepts him coming back from across the road and takes his beers from him if she can.

The guys across the road who rent a piece of land and keep their menagerie of animals give/leave beer for dad. I have asked them please don't give him beer. They are Mexican. Mexican's (men) don't have the same attitude that we do. He's a MAN and should be able to do what he wants. I would be inclined to let him do it too but he gets belligerent and others have to deal with him. I have called APS. As long as dad wants the beer no one can stop him from getting it however he can.

And so it goes. He has plaque in both arteries in his neck. A vein narrowing in his brain and plaque in his aorta by his heart. I'm amazed that he is still alive. He has had one minor stroke and hundreds of TIA's. It's just a matter of time.

He calls me yelling at me. When I am at his house (I live 70 miles away) (which has been every weekend this year and 2/3's last year!!) we do get into fights sometimes but my husband is usually there to help out. I try my best to remember all the "tricks" to deal with the alz .

I told him "go ahead and call the police !!!" I'm not hiding a thing!

It's all about the money with him. And my being in control of it gripes him even though HE is the one who created it (when in a better frame of mind). He's in denial about everything. The car accident wasn't his fault, he didn't have a stroke, he doesn't have dementia (although more than once a day he will tell you "I'm losing my mind".) So, if you KNOW you are losing YOUR mind why do you give me such a hard time???

Whatever fib will work. I'm trying to think of one. Blazer is going to my nieces house( daughter of my brother). At times she takes him home with her or her mom does. Usually some holiday, Thanksgiving. The idea to cover it up is a good one so he does see the red blazer. Her and her siblings can deal with the title. It won't be my problem and I should have done this much sooner. But there is a whole story behind why we/I didn't which involved dad claiming all my brothers possessions after he died. A very interesting thing to witness.

After I get rid of this there is a white Toyota Flat bed truck sitting on his property! That will be the next battle. He'll want to fix it up. He's let it sit there since about 2008 (or so) not really sure. But definitely years.

I feel sorry for him. He doesn't want to go do anything sociable like Sr. center. He doesn't usually want to go to Home Depot. His knee hurts and it's hard to walk. But he sure would like to go to the store.

I never dreamed that I would have to deal with an alcoholic. I made sure that I didn't marry one (because of my dad and brother's drinking) but here I am. Dealing with him and also trying to help others deal and then hearing from the caregiver "V. got 3 beers from the Mexicans today!" I tell her not to worry about it but she does because it is her job and she doesn't want to lose it. Her husband is out of work and so it goes.

Having my dad as an alcoholic, having an acre of land with all kinds of junk (iron beams, aluminium sheets, big glass windows, wood galore, hundreds of gallons of paint, one huge "barn " (that could hold 5 cars side by side) filled with tools and parts and plumbing fixtures and EVERYTHING), fruit trees that produce fruit that has to be raked up and thrown away (or picked and given away), his septic tank, his wood stove, his well "don't use the water !!!" ).. Oh man....I can't wait till I can just get rid of it all and be done with it. And then I'll feel guilty.

But I'm glad that I have this forum to vent and ask questions and get help. You guys are great and I really appreciate your taking the time to answer my questions.

Trying to contain LO who is alcoholic and has dementia, who is resisting care, angry, doing dangerous things......oh my. I do not envy you. It must be very stressful. It may be that there will only be so much you can do without a court order. That or perhaps involve adult protective services and let them take over the responsibility. Be careful. I might have law enforcement or someone else go with me as a precaution.

How with it is Dad? O'douls makes a non alcoholic beer, and I hear it is OK. Maybe you can fool him. Tell him you are taking car to mechanic.. and it is not fixable.. or whatever fib will work?

Curious, why haven't you gotten rid of the car long ago. How did you handle brothers estate? Has anyone gone to the DMV and explain that the l000 will not be paid because brother is no longer alive and car is broken down? Ask them what you can do with the car?

Will he ever forget that he likes to drink? Wouldn't that be awesome? But, no, drinking is a very long-term memory, not likely to be gone anytime soon. Probably the same is true of wanting to drive. He'll remember that!

Do you live with him? Can you withdraw when he starts yelling? Sorry, Dad, I see you are upset, I'll call/talk to you later.

Maybe him calling the cops on you would be a good thing. Let the local police be aware of the situation. Let them tell him he can't drive.

Countrymouse. I am having it towed this weekend to niece's house. Then I'll tell dad something. Is the alcoholism official? He doesn't want to go a day without it. He won't follow dr's orders on how much to drink. He won't go to AA (almost did years ago but changed mind). After his car accident in 2016 he detoxed in hospital (tried to bite nurses and had to take an anti anxiety med). He craves it . It caused problems for my mom and him when she was alive. She almost divorced him over it. He's had a couple DUI's in the past. So yeah. Official enough. It's just his anger at me that I have a hard time dealing with. I can do it I just hate the yelling at me.

Sunnygirl1: good point, re: alcohol and meds. I had thought about getting something for him but hadn't thought about the confliction with alcohol which is a problem with other meds he could take if it weren't for his drinking.

Thank you both for your help.

To me, preventing people who have dementia, are not licensed, have no insurance and who are drunk from driving is a good thing. I'd give up on trying to convince him to accept it, give up, understand, etc. That's not likely to happen. Plus, dealing with the dementia and alcoholism......man....I'd consult with an attorney about your rights and responsibilities. I might explore hiring a case manager to handle it and find out the requirements under the Trust.

I would suggest consulting with his doctor about medication to address his agitation, but, who would handle giving him the meds? And, can he take meds and drink alcohol? Lots of sticky issues. I wish you all the best in this.

Why on earth don't you scrap the car, and end the conversation? I'm sorry for your loss of your brother; does this mean that the car actually belongs to your niece? Anyway - it doesn't belong to your Dad, and come the weekend it's gone. Tell him DMV took it away because of taxes owed by your brother's estate which they wouldn't accept payment for from him, or something. Whatever. The car didn't belong to him, repairing it isn't his decision, he can't just help himself to it.

Next, the drinking. When you say your father is an alcoholic... Is that official?