Sorry, this is long. I’m 22 and graduated college last spring, my mom is 62, it’s always been the two of us. My mom has always been clinically depressed and slightly handicapped but during my last year and a half of college she lost mobility and has been having more health issues. She seems to have aged so much since I moved out physically and mentally. 4.5 years ago, she was a manager at a non-profit, now she struggles to do basic tasks due to mobility or is too depressed to do them. She can’t sit up for more than a few hours due to back issues, so she’s in bed most of the time and hardly leaves the house. Luckily a family friend helped while I was gone, and she got a home care giver that comes a few times a week and helps around the house. I was very worried about her financial situation (she was living off her retirement savings but didn’t have enough to permanently retire). I kept on trying to get her to apply for disability but whenever I would bring it/the subject of money up she would yell at me cuss me out and hang up the phone. After I graduated in May I had a 6-month temporary job out-of-state, and during that time she finally admitted she was running out of money and would need help in a few months. Note: she’s always wanted me to come home but doesn’t want to hold me back but was sad when I decided to stay at my job longer (originally it was only going to be 3-months). My mom has been a borderline hoarder most of my life and I hate living at home, I tend to get depressed when I’m there and none of my friends live in my hometown anymore. As much as I love my mom, we had a better relationship when I left home and wasn’t living with her. After my job ended, I put off going home for another 2 weeks because I wasn’t ready to deal with my mom’s situation. She could tell I was avoiding coming home and was really hurt. I came home around Christmas, and in January a friend offered us a space she has for rent for only $150 for 6 months so we can figure things out. Obviously, a lifesaver. Now I just must get her out of this house. But like I said she has hoarding tendencies; the garage is filled halfway to the ceiling with stuff. I finally started clearing it out this week, but I’ve only made a small dent and packing up this house is so overwhelming to me. Since I’ve been home, I’ve been depressed, I visited friends in different cities a few times but mainly only leave the house to run errands or walk the dogs. I sleep most of the day and my mom’s really upset that I’m not helping her more. My mom gave notice that we’d be out by the end of the month, but I don’t think I can do it by then. I have a temporary job starting next week and was going visit friends out of town over President’s Day weekend. I need to apply for more jobs and the application window for summer seasonal jobs (in my career field) is happening right now. I don’t know if I should spend my money on hiring some type of cleaner to help me in the next two weeks or if I should pay rent here for another month so that I have more time to pack all her stuff. I’m also stressed that I must spend so much of my savings on her living/moving costs. A generous friend gifted my mom money to cover February’s rent, so if I could’ve packed up the house sooner, I would’ve saved $, but like I said I’ve been depressed. We argue all the time and I get mad at her for her spending habits. But got EBT so that’s helping + she’s finally applying for disability. I’m looking forward to this job starting and having more of a routine, so feeling less depressed in that aspect. I know in a few months’ things will be better because she’ll have disability + any other assistance she qualifies for. But I just don’t know how to get through the short term here. What do I prioritize do I just put my career goals on hold this year? I’m anxious about missing opportunities since I’m a recent graduate and need to gain more experience. I don’t know, just need advice.
As an only child of a single mother with depression and who knows what other psychological issues you've likely been raised in the role of emotional caregiver to her. Was it your job even as a child to cheer her up, to be her reason to get out of bed in the morning? I was raised like that and holy cow now that I have had kids of my own for teenage number of years I would never. Maybe read the famous book "Boundaries" by Cloud and Townsend if you don't mind the Christian overtones, or find something similar. There are probably a million YouTube videos on other important topics like "parentification" of children.
You are deserving of your own life of your own making and choosing. If your mom isn't healthy enough to want that for you then please want it for yourself. You weren't born to save her.
Your mother has mental and physical issues that you did not cause and you cannot cure.
She needs to be in care. You are not responsible for this; you are responsible for living your own life, a happy full life that begins with all there is to learn in your twenties.
You will say you cannot abandon her, but the truth is that children throwing themselves upon the funeral pyres of their parents do not help them; they simply sacrifice their own lives to no avail.
You must know that if your mother had no children and were in this condition she would become a ward of the state, and that is what she should be.
Please report your Mom to APS as a senior in need both mentally and physically, one that you cannot help because you are not qualified to do so and are suffering for your attempts to try to do so.
I would recommend that you do not take on a POA. First of all your mother is not incompetent. It is up to her how she lives, and to take care of reaching out to APS, her local council on aging and others to help her, just as she would had she no children.
Lastly I will BEG you to go on Amazon, and used cheap or new book, order a copy of Liz Scheier's memoir called "Never Simple".
Her own mother was mentally challenged and this book is a memoir of her attempts to help her over many decades, along with the city and state of New York Social Services agencies. ALL TO NO AVAIL.
Your mother is young. She is EXACTLY my daughter's age.
Your mother has THREE MORE DECADES OF LIFE. THIRTY years. At the end of that 30 years you will yourself be 52 years old. What chance of survival do you give yourself.
Your Mom has had her life. Sadly she has limitations and has made continual bad choices due to them. You didn't cause that.
You can't fix that.
I am 81. I am telling you now not to sacrifice the one thing your mother gave you-----your very life. I encourage you never to take on POA. I encourage you to live 1,000s of miles from your mother. I encourage you to report her to care agencies in your area.
YOU CANNOT FIX this, and in fact, not everything CAN be fixed.
"Please report your Mom to APS as a senior in need both mentally and physically, one that you cannot help because you are not qualified to do so and are suffering for your attempts to try to do so."
Look at the word qualified and think about it. What if your mom needed surgery and swore you were the only one who could do it? You would immediately know you are in no way qualified to perform surgery (insert another example if you by some coincidence happen to be a surgeon, lol).
Are you a qualified and experienced mental health professional? With perhaps decades of experience helping people with hoarding or depression? It's a trick question anyway because even if you were you'd know you don't professionally help your own family. There are people who are trained to help her, let them do their jobs.
When I was in swim camp I took a lifesaving class. They taught us to grab a conscious, struggling swimmer *by the hair* and keep them at arm's length while we swam them to safety because if they got the chance, in their panic they'd grab onto you and drag you down and we'd both drown.
Imagine this whenever you are tempted to enable your Mother. Keep her at arm's length so she can't drag you down.
Hoarding is part and parcel of a mental illness. The Mental Illness has to be dealt with you can't just "clean"
It sounds like mom has other mental health issues as well.
I think a visit to her primary care physician is the first order of business.
Applying for SSDI is also a good start.
PLEASE do not put your life on hold to take care of your mom. Her mental health issues may take a while to get to the point where she is healthy.
She needs to take some responsibility for the situation as well. Her yelling, cussing and hanging up on you when you broached the subject of applying for SSDI to me indicates that she knew you were right but did not want to admit it and or she wants or needs you to manage her. That is not fair to you.
As you said it has been just the 2 of you and she may be scared that she will be on her own.
A mom should let her children fly, not anchor them down.
Leave now. Your good intentions cannot fix this.
You need to pursue your opportunities and build your life.
Please remember that hoarding is a mental disorder and one requires therapy to overcome it.
- she will continue to hoard no matter where she goes
- she will most likely become very angry as she sees you touching, moving, discarding "her stuff"-- even if it is legitimate trash.
- you "helping" her is actually enabling and will keep her sick and cause you to become sick as well.
Do not go back.
Do not consider her home as your home anymore.
DO NOT begin to support her financially!!! This will be a disaster for you and is still enabling. This would be morally and ethically wrong, since there are social services and aid available to her. It's just that she won't like the change.
STOP attempting to clean up her house -- it is fruitless, she will just continue to hoard.
Before you talk to her about anything further, please find a therapist who specializes in hoarding disorder. This therapist will help you find healthy boundaries and give you ways to discuss things with her, and also help prepare your mind and heart for what will then ensue.
BetterHelp.com is online, affordable and accessible counseling.
There are other posts on this forum from others whose parents were hoarders. Please find and read those posts. I worked 1-1/2 years with a woman who was a hoarder, who had a 8-yr old son and was dying of colon cancer. None of that mattered to her: she hoarded up to the end. See what you're dealing with? Don't engage your Mom without professional support. It will just exhaust you if you don't.
FYI hoarding is often the result of trauma, so your Mom may have some untreated trauma in her past. If so, you can't fix this. And for your Mom, if she ever agrees to see a therapist I'm hoping they will recommend EMDR therapy for her.
May you receive clarity, wisdom and peace in your heart as you defend your boundaries and reclaim your life.
Leave.
If you KNOW you get depressed when you're with mom, and you KNOW you do better when you don't live with her, LEAVE.
Start your job, start your life.
You say mom has aways trended towards this sort of behavior. Well, then she needs therapy. She needs to be on anti-depressants. She needs to take RESPONSIBILITY for her choices, not wait for you to move back in with her to take care of all of HER problems.
She doesn't have enough money? Her problem. She has hoarding tendencies? Her problem. She needs to clean out her semi-hoarded house? Her problem. If she can't - or won't deal with them - then that's on her. You are too young to be made to be responsible for this mess.
And if you can't bring yourself to walk away, then I strongly recommend that YOU go for counseling, because then you might be mired up in a co-dependent relationship, which will suck you down faster than quicksand.
Your mom should be encouraging your independence, not hindering it. That's what parents are supposed to do. Your kids grow, they go to school, they graduate, and you do everything in your power to give them the gift of independence. Quite frankly, it is the greatest gift we can give to our children, the ability to take care of themselves. We are NOT supposed to be an albatross around their necks.
Leave. Tell mom you can't possibly solve all of her problems and go. This is NOT your mess to clean up, both figuratively and literally.