My husband really resents having Mom live with us: it's been 8 years and I don't know what to do. I won't put her in a home and she's not in need of a huge amount of care, just constants like meds, meals, monitoring things like cleanliness and clothing choices, and dr. appointments. She goes to a senior center regularly, but her presence has begun to wear on us; if this sounds cruel I'm sorry, but our lives revolve around mom and my husband and I are always arguing about nit picky things she does or says. It's hard having someone constantly with you and really not be able to live our own lives.
There are beautiful, well equipped assisted living facilities. You need to visit a few
I, myself, had to leave my husband to move to my mother's state 7 states away from mine as she demanded to live alone.
I think of the strong work ethic that my father taught me. I am forever grateful to him.
He told me things from day one in my very first job as a teenager that I still value and always will value because it was sound, solid advice.
Life truly is compromise. It’s a dance of give and take. Don’t fret the small stuff. Walk away if you have a valid reason to. Try not to burn any bridges along the way.
Hopefully a compromise can come about and maybe we will be stronger in the long run.
Men put up with stuff from women. Women put up with stuff from men. Why? I’d like to think that love was the main reason and in most cases it is. Some people stay together due to financial circumstances. Some people still care what the neighbors think.
There are people in horrible marriages that stay together for their children. Is that a good idea? Some would say yes, others no.
Some men or women are married to their jobs. Some travel continuously with work. Do they have good marriages?
People have affairs. Some survive and thrive because the affair was a wake up call. Some marriages clearly deteriorate.
Some parents totally forget about their spouse when their children are born. Some marriages break up because one person wants a child and the other person doesn’t. People change their minds about children even if they initially said they did not want children.
Some children move back home! Do adult children that move back home cause harm to a marriage? Sometimes.
What about a mid life crises? Those happen too!
People lose their jobs. Talk about stress! Life is full of challenging situations.
My point is tons of things can damage a marriage. These things either make or break you.
Good marriages are not broken. Bad marriages can heal. So I feel sometimes we judge too quickly about people that we don’t even know. It’s great to have a voice and a desire to share and help. It’s also great to have ears, a mind and especially a heart to listen to others.
Sometimes we say the wrong things and don’t even realize it. Sometimes we speak up because our opinions are so important to us and feel that we can help. Sometimes we are insulting to each other. It happens. We need to own it if we do. Everyone says the wrong thing sometimes.
It takes time to process change in our lives. So we don’t have to say everything that we feel. All of us have been guilty of this at some point in our lives. We can offer our opinions and hope it is a help. Accept it if our advice is rejected and allow others to absorb the information.
I am of the thought that it is never that ‘one’ thing that has caused the major destruction. It’s an accumulation of many things. It’s when we hit the breaking point that we fall apart.
2. Always arguing does not sound a solid marriage to me.
3. 8 years with ya'll lives revolving around your mom has left you no couple time which has likely weakened your marriage.
4. The only choice that I see to strengthen your marriage is to place your mother in assisted living.
5. Why don't you want to put her in assisted living?
I do have empathy for you because I am in a similar situation. My Mom has had a tough life and does not enjoy being social. She always tries to be pleasant, but is very uncomfortable in those situations. She won't speak up for herself and ask for help when she needs it. She also is so regimented in her daily routines. She actually eats the same breakfast and lunch every single day, and has for 20 years. She enjoys the dinners I make for her, but she has a difficult time chewing with her dentures so I make a lot of soups. I feel like she truly would be miserable in an AL situation, and so she has been with us for 2 years now. I am the only family she has left. Like your Mom she has dementia , but isn't to the point where she requires a lot of care.
Here's what I would suggest. Can you and your husband place your Mom in an AL living facility for respite care so that you and your husband can go on a vacation and have some much needed alone time? It's expensive but worth it. She may end up loving it there, and if you can afford it, that could be your answer. Also, day trips for just the two of you can really help. Do you have a common interest that you could do together? When Mom is at the Senior Center make those times really special for your husband. Also, don't forget about you!
My husband and I are making this work for the present, but having said that, I know I couldn't do 8 years. I know if #1 my Mom was social, and #2 I could afford it, I would definitely be thinking of a different arrangement. Your Mom will forgive you, and you need to forgive yourself. If finances are a problem, then my heart really does go out to you. I hope this was helpful.
On the other hand I was with my husband every step of the way when his own parents needed care. While they did not live with us I was always visiting them and helping out. I was with my husband for every hospital and emergency room visit and sat at both of his parents' bedsides when they were dying. I have done all of that alone with my own parents as I have no siblings and my husband has been unable to support me. I get that this can be a drag on a marriage and I see the benefits of my mom going to a nursing home ( if she could afford it) but don't make it all about your husband and your marriage. Make it about yourself and what
you want and need.
Any crisis or negative life event can expose a marriage for what it is. Some are better able to manage stress than others.
What if you start with one night a week, and then work up to weekends, then up to week days in a facility, weekends with you, and you could probably keep that up for a long time. This gives hubs a break, gives mom a chance to socialize, and keeps YOU from losing your mind.
Good luck sister.
Your mom should understand. Did she have her mother in law or father in law living with her and her husband? When you present it to her like that, she will get it. Tell her you love her and want to help with her care, but at the same time need marital privacy.
There are plenty of resources out their for creating mini apartments for seniors in your own home.
I just read where your profile says your husband was fine with your mom living there until she had dementia. If that’s true then, don’t you think he has the right to change his mind because the circumstances changed?
Jen, you could just go tour facilities. That way you will feel more prepared should you decide to place your mom at a later time.
If this is still true (is it?), then you won't be able to keep your marriage solid. That's the simple answer. It seems as if you have chosen your mother over your husband if you refuse to consider placement for her.
I don’t want to come off as a ‘know it all’ because I certainly don’t know everything. I do have to tell you that I went through the agony that you are in now. It is truly misery and you won’t even know the extent of it until you are away from it.
Ask anyone on this forum that’s been around awhile and they can back me up on this, I was a mess! I was exactly where you are and they wisely gave me the very wise advice they are giving to you. Did I listen? Oh, how I wish that I had. It took awhile to process the information and sadly I had to experience a lot more crap at home until I reached my breaking point.
Mom was in my home for nearly 15 years. Doubt that you want to watch the years go by in misery like I did. For what? Guilt? Fear? Obligation? Don’t do it!!!
Mom can go somewhere. My mom went with my brother and SIL. She should have left years sooner. I had extenuating circumstances that made things even more difficult. Still, if I could go back in time I would never repeat what I did.
I beg you to learn from my mistakes and not repeat them. Your husband is worth it. I promise you that! You are worth it. You deserve to know that you meant the vows that you spoke to him on the day you were married.
You’re not happy. Neither was I. You are in conflict. Seek peace. It’s waiting for you to return. You didn’t always have this chaos. Your husband will gladly welcome the peace and harmony that you once had. Mine did and I love him so very much for it.
Your mother's needs are only going to increase. She may live another 10 years. What is now "arguing about nit picky things she does or says" will turn into resentment - your husband resenting your mother for being there and you resenting your husband for resenting your mother.
Start touring senior communities. You can care for your mother and not have her living with you.
Why do you think your mother will feel abandoned? Did she raise you to cater to her every whim at the expense of your own well-being and that of your family?
Just exactly how much do you expect your poor husband to endure? Do you care about him at all? His happiness, his health? You have all this guilt about taking care of your mom, but where is the guilt about *literally* ruining your husbands life? Eight years? Hasnt he done this this long enough?
I bet when he comes home he sits in the car for a few minutes. I bet he sighs when it's time to go home. I bet he hates going home at all, but he loves YOU, so he continues to endure. I bet he is miserable. I bet he has high blood pressure, and I'd bet he is on anti depressants, and probably anti anxiety meds too.
Just IMAGINE how hard it must be for him. His home should be his sanctuary. He obviously loves you or he would have bailed on you ages ago. A man like that is a rare treasure and he deserves to have some peace in his life. And so do YOU.
Ask yourself one thing: If it was YOUR daughter and her husband taking care of YOU, and it was destroying their lives - wouldnt you rather be in a facility? You say 'put her in a home' like it's horrible. She already goes to a seniors center, she might have a total blast in an assisted living facility.
Like I said previously, moving your mom to a carefully chosen, nearby care facility would not be abandonment. Instead, it most likely will be the best solution for you and your husband to get some relief, for your mom to get good care from a small army of trained and compassionate caregivers, and for you to reconnect with your mom more as a daughter rather than as a worn-out caregiver. Again, kudos for what you've done over the past 8 years and best wishes for the future.
I've had my mother in Assisted Living and now the Memory Care annex, since 2014 and it was THE best decision EVER. She has excellent care, friends to socialize with, activities to keep her amused, outings to go on, 3 hot meals a day and 3 snacks, and on and on. Plus, my marriage is not suffering the burden of having her usurping our lives every day.
Think carefully about what you want your and your husband's future to look like from here on out. Then make a decision that's in everyone's best interest. Don't count on making your mother 100% happy 100% of the time, either, and remember that you are not doing that NOW. Nobody is capable of making anyone else happy all the time, nor are they capable of giving them back their youth. The idea is to make EVERYONE'S life as good as humanly possible, whatever is required.
Go find facilities and then do respite for a month to see if she makes friends or participates in the activities. If not, try another facility and another until you find the right fit.
Your husband comes first and I am curious why you have more loyalty to your moms feelings than your husband's. He has helped you for 8 years, isn't it time for you to help him? Marriage is a two way street, all one way streets eventually dead end. From your profile it sounds like you have pitted yourself against your husband and you have made up your mind to never place mom, are you prepared to lose your husband so you don't have to do anything you don't want?
So, if it's not feasible for your mom to live mostly on her own in a separate living space close to you, then you probably should start investigating facilities that can provide her with the level of care she needs and that are close enough to you so that you (and your "dysfunctional" brother) can visit her as often as she needs so as to not feel abandoned. This is not abandonment -- it's coping with reality in the best way you can, while preserving your personal health and spousal relationship. While I know this is a hard decision to make, I urge you to start looking at facilities before a crisis develops and you're forced into making rushed decisions that are less likely to be good for your mom, you and/or your husband.
Also know that your mom will not likely feel "afraid, lonely and abandoned" in a good facility after a likely short adjustment period. My dad adjusted amazingly well after I spent the first 24 hours with him, but he was in late-stage dementia and it might take your mom a bit longer than that.
Kudos to you and your husband for providing your mom's care for eight years and best wishes for your future.
There are two rules I abide by these days:
Rule 1 - It is a fool's errand to think I can make my mother, in advanced and progressive dementia, ''happy', except for a short time, so don't fret her rapidly changing moods.
Rule 2 - See Rule 1.
I think this applies to any carer/patient relationship irrespective of the illness, irrespective of the circumstances.