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Guilt is a self imposed emotion that not only keeps you stuck but is used to justify why we do not make good sound decisions. How do you know that you mother will feel abandoned? This is you talking to yourself, unfounded feedback.

The homes are structured to allow people to join in, to spend time with people of their own generation, to attend activities and be watched over 24/7, she certainly will not be alone.

Re adjust your thinking... turn your negatives thoughts into positive ones.

Don't sacrifice your marriage for your mother, I am sure she didn't sacrifice her marriage for you or anyone else...think with your head not your heart, your heart is not designed to do the thinking.
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seagull123 Dec 2019
You impress me greatly! Husband may leave! I hope mothers are willing
to understand that a married couple needs their privacy and space.
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What is your belief system that makes you think that you should sacrifice your marriage and family life in order to care for your mother?

Is this a core tenant of your religion?

Did your parents sacrifice everything to care for all 4 of your grandparents?

Did you and your husband go into your marriage knowing that you felt that you would feel obligated to care for your parent until death?

Why do you think your mother would feel abandoned? Might she not feel she was getting professional care and have the companionship of others of her age group?

These are serious questions
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I certainly would not sacrifice my marriage for my parents, to me that thinking is all backwards.

You and your husband have done this long enough, time to give both you and he need a break.

You do know what needs to be done, and now is the time to do it, find a nice AL and place her, you can visit her there and give your husband the gift he deserves... his freedom.

The ball is in your court, do the right thing, your mother will adjust, believe me it's not the end of the world.
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bananastand Dec 2019
How can I deal with the terrible guilt of thinking about putting mom someplace where she may be afraid, lonely, and feel abandoned?
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I believe that you do not sacrifice your own marriage and kids (when kids there are) to the needs of your elder. It is time to look for care for your Mom. You will lose your marriage, and that will leave you very little when your Mom is gone, and wear you out until she is, feeling you have sacrificed your life for hers. Which will have been the case. You have done this long enough. Too long. Look to the warning signs. For me, if would be a deal breaker as well. It doesn't sound cruel at all. We owe our parents love and respect. We owe our nuclear family everything we can provide for them. I am wishing you good luck.
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bananastand Dec 2019
How do I deal with the guilt of considering putting mom somewhere. I think she would feel lost and abandoned, even unwanted....
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