My family consists of my wife, my 3 young children, myself, and now my father in law. I've shared the story before, but as a reminder my in-laws moved in with us and my MIL passed away from kidney disease within 6 months. It was traumatic for everyone as she refused to take care of herself and also refused help. My wife still feels guilty for not saving her so she is trying to do it with her dad. We have discussed simple rules like keeping his room clean, not spending money, not eating in his room etc, but he does what he wants. My wife has now assumed her mom's role by not holding him accountable, and doing everything even though he is able bodied. We fight, at times, and I feel powerless because my wife is unwilling to talk about anything related to her dad. As a perfect example of his lack of respect for his daughter and my family, he had secretly decided to marry a woman (less than one year after his wife of 40 years died) and move her in without telling his daughter. He was going to do so in order to help this woman to become a citizen. This brings with it an expectation that my wife and I would be supporting him and this strange woman that he met once. My wife overheard all of this on a phone call, but she won't confront him and continues to make excuses for his behavior. I hate the dysfunction and have lost all compassion for a man that continues to choose himself over my wife and children. How do I keep my marriage as I am losing my ability to tolerate the nonsense. I am beginning to feel that leaving will be better for my children because at least they'll have a normal life half of the time.
Now: what are your options?
You have many. I recommend you make a list. Keep adding to the list until you have a strategic plan. You may need a wise friend or counselor to help you think this through.
You have a clear case of boundary issues here, and re-establishing healthy relationships will take time and work - and your wife will have to be involved. But the place to start is with yourself. You are clearly a patient man, but you have your not-unreasonable limits. And that's ok. Be clear and true with and to yourself. Then you will be ready to speak and work out a solution.
You said that you've had fights with your wife over this but have you ever discussed the situation? You said your wife refuses to discuss anything regarding her dad. That's a pretty immature way to behave. What I'm wondering is if your wife knows how miserable you are and that you're thinking of leaving. She needs this information but not as an ultimatum, as in "If you don't move your father out of here I'm leaving!" More like, "I'm really unhappy and I don't want us to continue to live like this. We need to make some changes."
Breaking up your marriage should be your very last option because a divorce reverberates for years and years, especially for the kids. The situation with your FIL has solutions and options that ought to be explored before you pull the cord on your marriage. How about bringing in a 3rd party such as a minister or a therapist? Take some of the air out of the tension at home and hand over your issues to a counselor. Seeing a counselor once a week for 6 months is much easier on everyone than hiring a lawyer and filing for divorce.
I think you need counseling. An impartial person and not a Minister. That may get into "honor thy Father thing". Your wife needs to set boundries. Especially with this woman. You and she have a right to not allow a stranger in your house. Plus, if the marriage is based on a greencard, I think the government can investigate the reason for the marriage and stop it from happening. They need to get a license and questions may come up when filing.
You and your wife have to stand together in this. You need to sit down with him and look him in the eye. Wife needs to tell him she overheard his conversation and moving a "new" wife into your home is not going to happen. If he wants to remarry, they can rent an apartment of their own. You refuse to have a stranger living under your roof.
How old is FIL? Why is he living with you? Dementia, health reasons? I ask because it will have a lot to do with how we respond.
You may want to find out who this woman is. How did he meet her, on line? Red Flag! You need to find out her status here. Greencard, Visa?
She may be agreeing with all this because she is trying to scam Dad. Next, she'll be asking for money to fly her out but never come. Or claim she needs help paying a bill, buying food. If FIL in his right mind, its going to be hard for you to keep him from sending the money. If you think this is what is happening, see if there is someone who can talk to Dad and explain to him what is going on. I doubt if he will believe you. After the death of his wife, he became vulnerable. He may not realize what this woman is doing. Is she even in the states if this is a online thing. Is he calling her on ur landline? Maybe you can block her or visa versa.
This is your home too. You have the right to tell FIL that he needs to carry his weight. I see no problem in him paying you rent. You don't have to use it. Put it in a bank account for when you need it to help with his care down the line.
Good luck to you!
Dad, children, husband, freedom, sanctuary, security... etc.
Bring up the fact that if FIL is part of the family and that the family works together. If FIL wants to marry this person then he must leave the family and find his own place.
P.S.
I believe it is illegal to marry a person to keep them in the country. My experience... once married and she is free and cleared... she will leave him after taking his money... seen it done... twice. Just sayin'
blessings
hgn
I won't let myself be on the hook if I have anything to say about it.
There is no way in hell I would let her come to live in your home, and he needs to go live on his own, no if, ands or buts! It's time to put your foot down as head of this family,
Set a date, help him to find a Senior apartment and DO IT!
You all need counseling. As for divorce that thought is an escape from the pain right now, I get it, this is truly hard to navigate. ( Trust me I get it). Here is my concern though if you move out, FIL will just take more advantage of her and your kids and you will not be there to protect your kids from the madness. And if you figure out after the divorce or seperation that there were other ways to handle these issues and want to reconcile, you may find the abondonement heart break that you added to your already strained relationship has caused your wife to be even more defensive and reluctant and it could cause an all out war, because what she is pulling her energy from is guilt, and horrible aching pain & u will add to it.
First, if you are a believer get Christian counseling, and I am talking they have a real license to practice counseling. Also you might want to watch some of Tony Robins relationship/marriage videos on Youtube. He is more than just a self help guru and all that, his wise and straight forward approach has saved marriages like yours. ( But Each circumstance is different).
You also might want to date your wife, and win her back as if another man has stolen her after you watch some of the above videos. And do try to keep dating her through this awful time. She needs you even if right now she is telling you she doesn’t and you will get talk time alone! She needs you to show her what REAL love without selfish manipulation looks like, she needs to be called those pet names without expectations and her favorite flowers to be sent just because.
As for this crap about this women moving in, I would call the non-emergency local police number and ask about who handles elderly fraud cases. Then just ask if what is going on is a common fraud and if they have helped others like you to help their elderly parents. If anything an officer can always come and tell him that his number and name came up while investigating these women (like her) seeking money and citzenship and how some have ended very badly. Then the officer could recommend your FIL not contact her anymore for his on safety as it could be a fraudulant crime ring. Not far from the truth at all. There also is usually a County office of elderly affairs that might tell you who to see for counseling.
Anyway, I so understand even if our situations are different the heart of the matter of caregiving is why I am on here. This is just a different perspective than some of the others,but with a heart to help and not condemn any of you all, since tone can not be heard through text, it can only be assumed. ( BTW rt now don’t assume anything, that hurts many women, as it makes them feel unworthy of your words). Lastly, maybe start by asking if some spa day appeals to her on groupon, as u want to treat her to one.
My niece years ago met a man on a visit to my mother’s home country. They fell in love and began the process of LEGALLY bringing him to this country on a fiancé VISA. The whole process took a couple of years and thousands of dollars in legal fees, but it was finally accomplished and years later they are doing great. All your FIL’s talk may be nothing more than a pipe dream. One of the numerous items of paperwork that had to be supplied was proof (statements of earnings, tax filings, etc.) that the intended fiancé would be supported in the new country and not be a burden on US taxpayers. I don’t imagine you would be willing to do this or any of the other legal work needed. You still have the problem of your wife’s inability to put you and your family first, but the fear of his springing a bride on you might be laid to rest.
You haven't said how old FIL is?
However this probably also means that your wife has a very strong cultural upbringing to obey parents, so this is really hard for her too. Someone more cynical than I am willing to be might suggest that your wife married you for residence, and has always been more loyal to FIL than to you. Could you find a Philipine counsellor who might have ideas about what cultural strings you could pull yourself?
Does your wife understand how strongly you feel about this? I am sure it is hard for her having lost her mother so recently and in such a devastating way. This is a time of very high stress for both of you (you mentioned you are doing a Ph D and I have known of more than one marriage jeopardized by only that). Outside help could make the difference, All the best and keep us informed.
It is your marriage, your family, and your home; therefore, I urge you to stand up to your FIL and do so ASAP. Tell him directly that you will help him find new living arrangements because the current living arrangements do not work for you. Do not let him disrespect you, your wife, and your children in your own home.
Leave the sham marriage for a green card out of the discussion because his behavior was bad long before your wife overheard his conversation. Should he have the audacity to bring a stranger to live into your home, immediately usher them out the front door, drive them to a motel, and drop them off to fend for themselves. You can drop off his belongings the next day. (Just make sure he has any medication he needs.)
I didn't go through your exact situation but I understand your anger. My in-laws pushed way beyond the boundaries of respect with me and my husband. And I learned that anger left unspoken and unresolved festers, turns into resentment, and increases your stress hormones, which leads to all sorts of disease. It's just not worth it, if you ask me.
There are many living arrangements for old people. Efficiency apartments. Communities for seniors. And many old people have huge houses and empty nests and rent rooms out to make some extra money. Your FIL needs to be around men his age.
A good marriage is built on communication, and your wife seems to lack that skill. Maybe it's time for a crash course. Ultimatums don't work but a clear message of "enough is enough" may snap her out of her funk. I doubt she's happy with the situation.
Do you love your wife? Do you believe your wife loves you? If so, save your marriage and your family. Good luck!
trying to turn your wife into HIS wife. I think you're correct in this observation.
My father did same to me, even started calling me by my mother's name. Many
men of our parent's generation used women as servants and expected to live like
kings in their tiny tiny kingdoms. And some, like your FIL, are expert in guilt tripping and manipulation to extract the service and resources they feel entitled to.
Your first priority should be to each other and your children. Your wife is unwittingly abusing your children by allowing your children to witness her exploitation and the constant disrespect your FIL is displaying to your family.
Personally, whether he gets married or not, I'd find a way for him to move out
and live elsewhere. Find out whatever funds and services he is entitled to and
get him settled. Then leave him to it. He should never put this decision on you,
but your wife and children should come first. This terrible example of exploitation
and disrespect, not to mention the unrelenting stress, should not become the
cornerstone of their childhood.
Please come back and tell us how this works out.
Unless a married couple begin their marriage living within an extended family, moving parents in later due to illness or misfortune usually takes a toll on the marriage because the guilt culture demands, one way or another, that the "child honor his/her mother/father". In the guilt culture, respect for the individual is deemed undesirable.
I'm not sure that I agree that most cultures honor that loyalty changes after marriage. I think they claim to honor it but in reality this forum is filled with good-natured people whose marriages have been destroyed or brought to the brink by aging/sick/dying/destitute parents laying on the guilt. And I include myself in that category.
If poster wants to remain married, he's got some tough choices to make about how and what needs to change.
Your wife seems to have no experience/ability to say "no" to men. If she is going to develop that, she needs to be in individual therapy. Is she wanting to/willing to do that?
It is organized crime, and it is rampant. The problem is they hate our culture and want to change it to what they claim to be escaping. It is about the money.
I live near the Mexican border and a worker can come here, work 3 months and go back to Mexico and live like a king for 9 months.
I think that what he is planning on doing is actually illegal, the bride to be is obvious a fugitive and is probably getting tired of running and hiding, so you're right, this is indicative of his character. I understand people wanting to come to America and pursue a better life, i don't understand intentionally breaking the law, its makes them undesirable citizens.
Encourage him to do it, if this is the solution to him leaving. Make sure he has his own address before the I dos.
Your wife is probably just torn and if she doesn't look it's not really there and who knows what garbage he feeds her. Cultural differences are very difficult to overcome, children are conditioned from before they can remember to obey what their parents order them to do, especially in male dominated cultures.
Be there as much as you can for your children, you have some tough ages there and you will see how this is affecting them by their misbehaviors. Tweens is brutal to go through and they really need loads of love and guidance. If push comes to shove you only have to tough it out for 18 months.
I am a (female) American, married to a Mexican citizen. We live in Tijuana, Mexico (for the moment -soon to be Puerto Vallarta!) So I'm familiar with the inter-racial problems of biracial couples.
I'm not claiming to be an expert on the Filipino culture. I've worked with a lot of Filipino nurses in my 40 year career and have had Filipinas as friends also.
In my humble opinion, you are pushing against a centuries old tradition of taking one's parents into their children's homes. That is probably why your wife refuses to talk to you about the possibility of him leaving. It would be a HUGE insult (in her eyes and in their culture) to ask him to leave. It is as though it's his right to be there. The children almost revere their parents, so I disagree that you will have to "make her understand your desires and get him out". It ain't happening-at least like that.
I would suggest that you (and she, if agreeable), talk to any of her brothers and sisters, to arrange for him to move in with them. She will NEVER throw him out but would probably agree if he moves in with another sibling. This is just part of the culture. She may use the excuse that she feels guilty because she couldn't "save" her mom but, in reality, it is EXPECTED that the girls in the family move their parents in with them, especially if they are widowed. But, if there are no other girls, there is nothing wrong with moving in with a son and his wife. It is almost unheard of for an elder to live alone.
If you were a Filipino husband, she would not have this problem with you. You would understand the "pecking order" and that one's parents are the "royalty". I'm sure she can't quite understand how you can have such a radically different idea of turning away a parent, even if she was born in the U.S.
I have faced cultural difficulties also regarding my husband's family but never about anyone living with us. I love my MIL but we would never get along living together.
About counseling....since your wife is doing what she thinks is right, you may have a hard time convincing her to go. I also don't think counseling is as accepted in the Filipino culture (not to air one's dirty laundry), and so she may be reluctant. She may be thinking you just want her to go to counseling so they can change her mind.
Your wife probably does not understand why you would think about abandoning her and your children for something as simple as your FIL living with you. While you can't change her mindset, you CAN set boundaries in your own home. UNTIL you can get FIL out of your house and in with your wife's sibling, you need to put your foot down on what is INTOLERABLE to you BUT pick your battles wisely.
Good luck to you with this problem.
May I humbly disagree?
Would it REALLY be to everyone's benefit for the poster to leave his home and deprive his wife and kids of his presence? What would that accomplish? Wouldn't that add to the complication of this situation?
Rarely is it a good idea to break up a family. Better to drop the FIL off at the brother's house, suggest he stay overnight with them, then just not take him back with them.
I am sorry for the loss of your wife's mother; your father in law, however, seems perfectly able to live his own life, which he is clearly doing under your roof. From your brief description of the situation, the father in law appears to be sufficiently mentally fit to take up a relationship with another woman, and essentially continue living life as he desires. Apparently he does not have a life-threatening disease or the need for you and your wife to take care of him. To an outsider, such as myself, the answer seems clearer than day: give the father a move-out date, and stick to it. Otherwise, it seems your own family life is going to be needlessly sacrificed. It sounds like this guy is full of life and needs to be on his own. If you, as the homeowner / lease-holder, don't draw the boundary line, you can pretty much say good-bye to sanity under your roof. YOUR ROOF.
As for the father in law marrying another woman shortly after his wife died, that is very common, I have found, particularly for men. In my sixty-plus years, I have found that women tend not to re-marry at the same rate.
My heart goes out to you in your situation, but please act on the fact that you and your wife can and, in my opinion, should set boundaries. From what you wrote, this sounds like Dad-in-law needs his own place where he can have his life with the new wife. Otherwise, as you have predicted, everything in your life will continue to deteriorate. Once Dad-in-law is out of your house, you and your wife and children can re-group and determine what kind of relationship you will continue to have with him. As it is, through your letter, however, your FIL is calling all the shots and you guys are acting as if he has the determining voice; he does not... YOU do. Use it. Believe me, once you get him out of your house and into an apartment, you will ask yourself why you waited so long. He is not going to drop dead from being made to move. If he is hail and hearty enough to get himself a new wife, then he is certainly capable of getting himself a new apartment.
Good luck and count your blessings that he is in such great shape as to be able to start a whole new life with a whole new wife... tell him it's time to carry her over their own threshold. You have fulfilled your care obligations to your deceased MIL; now it's time to care for your own family. If your wife guilt-trips you about this, remind her that she and you have an obligation to your family unit and especially to your children. When / if your FIL eventually needs the kind of care you gave your MIL, then that's a different story. But until then, it appears that FIL's (and new MIL) presence in the family home needs to be re-figured.
Leo
If a sibling can take your fil in, that would be fine!
If not, is a compromise possible? Your concession would be to graciously accept FIL living with you, without you complaining to your wife about it. Her concession would be to agree to setting reasonable boundaries and enforcing them. She can be the dutiful daughter by providing shelter and meals. She will not be servant, and FIL will not have decision-making rights within your family. (Caution: setting boundaries and enforcing them can be very difficult, and you and your wife might both need some coaching to help you through it.)
When you say a divorce could give your children a healthy "normal" at least half the time, are you assuming that you'd get joint custody and they'd live with you half the time?
Why is completion of your degree a deadline for FIL to leave, in your mind?
https://jgoldlaw.com/green-card/your-biggest-immigration-mistake-marriage-fraud/
Given that I'm unable to speak to the cultural differences due to my own ignorance, I just wanted to get that other bit of info in there. That could seriously derail your future.
And as far as culture and tradition go, this is 2019 and we must look after ourselves and not let culture or traditional practices which cause us direct harm physically, emotionally and mentally be allowed. YOU must do what is the least harmful to you - even if it means leaving. Culture be dammed. A lot of culture and tradition cause HELL for those still here and that in itself makes it absolutely WRONG. DO NOT ALLOW CULTURE TO DICTATE HOW YOU LIVE YOUR LIFE.
This is the situation that she won't change on her own. So, it's up to you to make a choice. Assess your pros and cons very carefully. Write down in black and white the pros and cons of staying, pros and cons of leaving. Then you can see clearly the good and the bad of the choices you have. Neither of them will be perfect.
Getting divorced sounds like a tempting solution now, but once it's done, it brings a whole new set of problems of itself. You will have to pay a lot of legal fees just to get a divorce. You might not get to see your children much anymore. You might have to provide alimony on top of child support. You might lose your house (if you own one), your car, your possessions, etc. For a man to get divorced, he stands to lose a lot. It's not fair, but that's the reality. On the other hand, you will gain back your sanity, your independence, your own choices, etc. I recommend you at least talk to a divorce lawyer to ask questions so you know what to expect.
If you choose to stay, find ways to keep away from the FIL. The less you see of him, the less he irritates and stresses you. That's how I cope with having my Alz mom living with me. You may have to accept not having your wife's time and attention as much as you should get as a husband, but it might be better than losing everything. And just hope he soon follows his wife.
As for the bride the father in law wants to bring over, I would tell to his face that you won't allow her in your house. If he wants to marry her, he had better move somewhere else. If you're lucky, he might choose to move. Put you foot down on allowing a stranger into your house. This is the line your wife must not cross.