How do I make mom understand that she needs to cooperate with me?
I recently retired and moved into my mom's home to help her out. She is 91 years old and has macular degeneration. She doesn't drive anymore so she needs someone to take her to appointments, get her prescriptions and groceries, etc.
Unfortunately, mom also has a vicious temper. She's always been this way. When something or someone upsets her, she will act in childish ways such as: growling, throwing her fists in the air (or at you), yelling, gritting her teeth, or in some cases trying to hurt you. There are others besides me who are aware of her behavior but don't want to address it with her. I've also tried to tell her that such behavior is unnecessary and unreasonable, but it only angers her more.
Lately, with the recent high humidity and lack of A/C in the home, mom has become more susceptible to throwing tantrums. I have tried to tell her that she needs to work with me, and NOT get so upset at me if I or someone/something else ticks her off. But she will have none of it. (she has never given in, she's always been this way) She has said she needs me here to help her out, but she thinks she can just continue to throw childish tantrums, then act later as if nothing happened...and furthermore, demands I apologize and ask forgiveness for upsetting her (which she doesn't always accept).
I don't have the funds just yet to move out, as I just got here. Nobody nearby will let me move in and it would only enrage her. How can I make her understand that she MUST be more reasonable with me? I'm not perfect and I cannot take her constant rages.
9 Answers
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So I'm not sure about this one.
It's not impossible I might completely understand how she feels. I've thrown the odd plate in my time (actually it was a clock-radio. Long story. And the dam' thing didn't break, which enraged me still further).
There are ways to learn to control your red mist, but a 91 year old who shows no inclination to do so..?
What have you tried? - and I hope to goodness you're not trying to reason with her *while* she's incensed. Grit her teeth! - I'd be surprised if she hasn't tried to bite you.
And apart from these episodes? How do you feel about the rest of her?
Why did you uproot your life for her?
Why did you think this would work out and mother would cooperate with you?
You need to get out of there. But it’s sounding like you aren’t going to and will keep praying until you have a breakdown or mother physically harms you.
"she has never given in, she's always been this way"
"I've also tried to tell her that such behavior is unnecessary and unreasonable, but it only angers her more."
"I have tried to tell her that she needs to work with me....But she will have none of it. "
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Why do you think anything we could tell you would change this scenario? There are no magic words -- it's about the relationship between two people that has gone back as long as you've been around, and likely longer. Nothing will change the way SHE behaves -- it's ingrained in her.
So what you do is depart the premises. That's your goal, because you can only change what you do, and you have to find a way to walk away. Your job is to ensure her safety and care, but it is not required that YOU personally provide that.
Have you tried just ignoring her? That's what I would do if I was stuck in your situation. And I certainly wouldn't be apologizing to her, for her bad behavior.
Next time she acts up, just walk away and tell her when she can speak and act in a more mature way, you will be happy to have a conversation with her, but until then you will be in your room.
It's now up to you to be the adult and set some much needed boundaries if you're going to survive living under her roof.
I'm hoping that you're praying Psalm 37:4 over your life, and that He will give you the desires of your heart.
I can't move out just yet, and as much as I'd like to, know it's not practical. I do believe in the power of prayer. God must show me what to do.
NEVER ever apologize and ask forgiveness from her. What a joke! You deserve so much better than this. Just tell her something like "That's just not going to happen."
Do NOT give in to her temper. When she starts acting out, ignore her. Leave the room or even the house.
Spend as little time with her as possible. If she gets mad about that you could be calmly honest and tell her that you do not enjoy watching her tantrums and therefore are no longer going to do so. She can get angry and act out, but you do not have to be a witness to it. You are going to have to consistent and strict about things like this.
Maybe she is going to have to go into a facility, whether she likes it or not. They will probably try to medicate her to get her to behave a little less aggressively.
Start figuring out how to extricate yourself from this unacceptable situation ASAP.
Good luck.
Your mother is 91 and, as you say, has always behaved this way. What, realistically, are the chances of her changing, respecting other people‘s feelings, etc. at this point in her life? And there is no AC. I think you should rethink this idea of living with your mom and return to your previous life if at all possible.
Could it be possible to have her prescriptions and groceries delivered? Could a person be hired to take her to and from appointments? This is what I would be thinking about for myself rather than living with what you describe. I commend you for being so caring as to even want to attempt it.
I've already retired. I have uprooted and moved 250 miles from my home in NY state to help her, and while she's told me she appreciates it, I want her to know that in NO uncertain terms will I accept her acting like a 2 year old when something or someone upsets her. At this point, for the time being, all I can do is pray. I thought and prayed long and hard about this...and I told her before I came down that things have to change. Now, it is time to put actions to my words.
Wait out the tantrum. Then look for triggers. Try to reduce these if possible.
When tantrum starts, ensure they are safe, then walk away (next room). Having no audience & getting no attention helps retrain if attention was the aim.
It's more often physical or mental needs + frustration at not being able to communicate these needs. Sometimes they don't even know their needs: hunger (?blood sugar), thirst, too hot, cold, too tired, pain, anxiety, fear.
Some people (young or.old) will just lose it if you try to take over, they feel bossed around. It's better to wait, try again later. Let them make some decisions, to enable them as much autonomy as possible.