My wife is 61, her mom is 90 and broke her hip. My wife has decided to live in her mom's house, 600 miles away, so she can spend all day every day at the rehab facility. How do I try to help her see that she can’t give 100% to mom and 0% to me, without appearing selfish?
If it is within a couple of weeks, you are being selfish.
If it's been going of for several months, then you tell your wife that you miss her and love her and want to know what the plans are.
Have you gone to be with your wife? I would recommend that you give her a 100% in this trying time for her, because she probably feels stressed out and needs her man to give her something right now instead of saying he is getting 0%.
0% only happens when neither side is putting in any effort.
So, what have you done for her while she is helping her mom?
So, you are with your wife who's traveled 600 miles to stay with her 90 y/o mother in rehab who's broken her hip, right? Rehab generally lasts 21 days, but it can last up to 100 days if mother needs more PT/OT and Medicare approves it. Is that what's happening in your MILs case? Why is your wife spending all day at the rehab? Is your MIL upset and in need of her daughter's attention all day long? That seems excessive, considering the woman needs PT and OT throughout the day. This bodes poorly of how your wife may react to her mother's needs AFTER rehab, to be honest with you.
Did you sit down and talk to your wife and tell her, hey, I don't want to sound selfish here but I miss you? I need your time too b/c I feel lonely w/o you? That must be what you're feeling b/c this hasn't anything to do with 'cooking & cleaning' so you're obviously missing HER and not her housekeeping! I think if you speak to her honestly about how you're feeling, she'll know you're not 'selfish' but genuinely wanting more of her time. Plus, you should talk to her about what comes next, after rehab? A 90 y/o with a broken hip is probably not going to recover to the point where she can live alone again, if that's what she was doing prior to breaking her hip. So what comes next? That can be an ugly subject, let me warn you, esp if your wife wants to move in with her; that tends to be a lifechanging experience for YOU and your marriage. If you want Assisted Living for your MIL, that can set your wife off on a tirade too. Approach the subject in a calm manner, that's my suggestion. If there's a house to be sold, that's another matter to talk about. The whole thing is a huge mess, in all honesty; I was faced with this very thing with TWO parents in 2014, so I know from where I speak.
Wishing you the best of luck with everything moving forward. The more supportive you can be for these women, and the more help you can give them, the better. I lean on my husband for a LOT with my folks, and I love him dearly for the support he gives me.
His fears about his wife being overwhelmed are very valid, as any number of people on this forum - who have been caught up in similar situations that his wife finds herself in - can attest to!
The number one tenet in a strong marriage is communication! I applaud Geo for trying to find a compassionate way to talk to his wife about his fears going forward. Having a wonderful husband, I would be DEVESTATED to find out my husband had hid any concerns he had about MY wellbeing, and MY possibility of burnout when we were caretaking my mom in fear that I might find him "selfish".
Not to mention the fact that when, in the past, wives have come here to ask advice about their husbands' time being spent with MIL's I have seen advice ranging from "seek marriage counseling" to "I would take the kids and head out on a vacation" and everything in between; but I have rarely seen a woman being accused of being "selfish" for seeking advice on how to approach her husband about it. It's really not fair - in fact, I'll even debate that it's a kind of reverse discrimination - to give the polar opposite advice to a husband, in essence telling him in effect "suck it up, buttercup" when we treat women with kids' gloves in almost the exact same situation.
Geo, I think you're doing the right thing all around; I hope your marriage is as strong as I suspect it might be, and that when all is said and done your wife conveys her appreciation for your concern for her well-being.
Much as he says he's being supportive and is concerned about his wife's wellbeing, I'd say he's 1. underestimating his wife's strength, and 2. he still wants to be #1 -- even during this time. Marriage is give-and-take, and there are times when one spouse has to give for a lot longer than they expected. I get that it's tough, but an emotionally mature person figures it out.
I'm seeing this in my own marriage, and my parents are now both gone. I'm their Trustee and have been handling their finances since before either was gone, and I've done an excellent job if I do say so myself. My mother (the last to go) died with more money than she had before she went into an expensive nursing home thanks to me managing her money.
Now, however, my husband is full of opinions about how I'm not handling the sale of my parents' house correctly. Well, like it or not, it's not his business. I'm handling it just fine with the cooperation of my brother, the only other person whose business it is. My husband is a recently retired manager, and he can't quite get it in his head that he doesn't need to manage me. I'm seeing that here, too.
I realize these times are difficult for spouses, because sometimes they get shut out of these decisions, but the fact is, this is his wife's family, not his, and she's doing what she feels she needs to do. If he can't quite relinquish control over what's going on, then I'd say that's a problem for him to work on without involving his wife in it.
As others have said, your wife has some big decisions to make (with her mom if Mom is competent), so it's a lot easier to do those things in person than remotely.
Be supportive, learn to cook and do laundry for yourself, and know that life doesn't always go quite as we expect. As we and our loved ones get older, it's less and less likely to go that way.
If it's short term, maybe you can go for a long weekend and then ask her to come home for a long weekend so you can spend some nice time together.
Do you dislike being home alone? Is there a lot of extra work dumped on you?
I guess you might try being patient too.
How long has your wife been gone? Rehab doesn’t normally go on for weeks and months, and a man ought to be able to live alone for two or three weeks. Washing up is not a difficult skill to learn.
If your wife is planning to stay for an indefinite time after rehab, you both need to talk about long term plans. That’s a joint exercise, to make sure that your wife isn’t just hoping that Mother will go home and shortly be independent again.
However if there is a house to be packed up and sold, and a move to a facility, your wife could do with your help. Unfortunately it will probably write off whatever leave you have accrued, but that’s life.
However, that comment about cooking and laundry was also meant to be symbolic of whatever it is your wife provides that you're missing. Learn to handle it yourself for now.
So, what exactly are you complaining about -- just the general unfairness of life, because yeah, sometimes it's unfair. Really, really unfair. Sometimes we can't spend time with our significant other because someone else needs them more right now.
Our time doesn't always split up tidily. How you handle it will say a lot about you.
How long does your wife intend to do this?
What are the long term repercussions to this serious injury to a 90 year old? Has she previously been independent at home, because it is unlikely she can return home even after rehab unless he is a very hale and hearty 90 year old.
You don't say when this happened. I can tell you right now that I would be doing exactly as your wife is doing for some period of time. I would go there, assess the home, assess how my Mom is doing, take part in her surgical recovery period and see what the plan is for long term recovery. There will likely be a rehab period of at least a month after hospitalization. I would be there during that month to assess how rehab is going, to work with social workers to see if Mom can return home or if she requires assisted living, and etc. If she DOES require placement there may be legal duties involved of closing up the home for some time at least.
There will be much to do. How about you see if you can get a leave and go to help them? I think being 8 hours away by car your wife will not be able to go home easily or readily.
I would concentrate on being very supportive and basically be down on my knees hoping that your wife isn't planning to move in with Mom permanently or to move mom in with you.
I think the fact you have come to us with this, and not to your wife may indicate that you two are not communicating really well, and I would be surprised if you told me that this difficulty with communicating is NEW. (Though I have been surprised before!).
Please touch bases with your wife daily, LISTEN to her, offer her your support, ask what you can do for her.
And no, those feelings that you clearly already suspect may be inappropriate, those feelings about your OWN needs? I would keep those REAL QUIET for now.
Best of luck. ask your question only once.
See All Answers