How do I stop waiting for death?

Does your brother help you with your father? If not, I have the perfect answer for him when he criticizes you. Tell him that you can no more get your father to do xyz than you can get HIM (your brother) to help. Siblings are often free with their criticism, but not with their time.

I do think you need to get him to a doctor, given that he has diabetes and bipolar disorder. How has he been managing these things? Something you can do is check for geriatric clinics at your local hospitals, then personally schedule an appointment for him. People with dementia are not very good at scheduling their own appointments or letting you know they scheduled them. If you had a doctor on your side, you would probably feel better. And your father might, too.

I don't know if there is a way we can stop thinking about death. We are surrounded by it. I know sometimes I look at my mother. She looks so peaceful that I wonder for a moment if she is still breathing. I believe that it is constantly in our minds when we care for old people (or old and sick animals).

Love that you have rabbits. Me, too.

I pray a lot! Every day several times a day that God gives me some healthy time with her befor he takes her from me. I pray that she gets to enjoy the suite that we are building onto the house before she dies. I pray that she doesn't die in a hospital because I am so sick of them. I pray that whatever the latest health crisis is short and doesn't require hospitalization or rehab.
My mom is 90 and for the most part pretty with it. There are the repeated stories and forgetting to tell me stuff, but I don't mind. I will miss her terribly when she does pass, but I pray that God gives me the strength to get through it without chewing out any of my sister-in-laws or her church friends who have used her for years. I pray but I am still afraid of that day when he chest does not rise in a steady rhythm because it will be the day I will lose my best friend.

You have several challenging issues raised in your post.

1. Waiting for death - for me, I try to see it as a normal eventual consequence of living, albeit a very sad occasion. Fortunately or unfortunately, none of us live forever. When we do go, I think it would be ideal if it's as peaceful as possible. I don't mean to sound cruel, but your father and your pets will eventually leave you; there's no way you can prevent it. But allowing it to become a dominant factor will wear you down mentally.

2. A First Nation woman I met through a quilting forum told me when I thought my sister was dying that if I thought she was, what would I want to say to her in the event she died shortly. She was suggesting acceptance, say what might be final goodbyes, and don't regret not having the chance to say them because I couldn't or wouldn't accept the reality of the situation.

3. With your pets, think of how they've enriched your life, and how you want them be as healthy as they can. But once they've reached the stage that they're not, you don't want them to suffer.

4. I do think that it's not unusual to be frightened when a situation occurs that suggests someone has died; I think that would be a normal reaction.

5. The next time your brother suggests your father eat fish and Chinese broccoli, turn the tables on him and ask when he'll be able to fix and bring it for your father.

6. Sure your father should exercise, but how can you force him? Again, suggest to your brother that he plan to come over regularly and exercise with your father.

7. Your brother probably knows he can upset you with criticism; recognize that and see him for who and what he is. Just keep throwing his suggestions right back at him.

8. You could also push your brother a little and ask him for a caregiving schedule so you know when he'll be over and you can take some respite time.

9. Definitely get your father to a doctor as soon as you can, although he's obviously not going to be very cooperative. Who prescribes his diabetes meds? Is he seeing that doctor regularly? Would it work if you tricked him by telling he's going someplace else? Is he taking any meds for his bi-polar condition?

10. I do see similarities in your brother's and father's behavior - manipulative and uncooperative. That may be their personalities, and I doubt they're going to change, but recognize it for what it is and try not to let it wear you down mentally. There's only so much you can do for your father.

And ask yourself if it's possible to change their attitudes. If it's not, don't blame yourself for their behavior and lack of cooperation.

11. How to live for today? Work on recognizing the situation as it is, define what you CAN and can't do and what you will and won't do - don't push yourself to try to change someone who's uncooperative and stubborn.

12. Take more time for yourself; the house and yard chores possibly could be done less regularly. Is your father living in your home or vice versa? If the former, is he contributing financially to his care? If so, can you hire some of the chores, such as the yard work, to be done by others to minimize the time you spend on them?

As to the house chores, they'll still be there tomorrow, and the next day and the days thereafter. Your sanity might not be, so take breaks when you need to and recognize that the chores aren't so important that they take priority over your mental and physical health.


I think the situation you're in is one many caregivers face - overwhelmed, trying to balance between a uncooperative parent, critical sibling, managing work, and trying not to be dragged down into a whirlpool of events and people beyond your control.

Start planning how you are going to detach with love from your critical brother after your father has died.
You will feel better after the UTI has cleared, in the meantime, don't worry if you think you are losing it (common with a UTI).
Feel better soon, get some rest.

You are right, your brother shows signs of bipolar disorder, and your situation is fully understandable. If you think that your father is going to die, can you get some objective outside help, even hospice to come in? Let the consequences of that action lie where it will. That means, if he freaks out over someone trying to get him some help, he might end up in a hospital for observation. Can be a good thing. Reading your comments, will check back with you soon.

Zombie, you are in a very difficult situation. I think you are coping well considering what is on your plate.

I disagree about goading your brother. Try to let his suggestions roll off your back. Why does your brother know what you feed Dad? Why spend a moment of time thinking about the exercise your brother thinks your father needs? The main thing your brother can do is cause trouble. Worse case could he contact authorities? As they say If you see trouble coming, cross the street.

I am new to communication with spirits like your mom.She helped with your UTI. Is there a way she can help with your Dad? Like if you wrote two ideas on a chalkboard she could let you know which would be best? Or if you wrote down ideas and put them in a hat, she could guide you to the better option? I consider you very lucky to have your mother's ghost.

Feel better!

Zombie i won't ask if you are depressed because you would quite rightly say "Ya think"
I will ask if the house belongs to you or your father and will you be able or want to stay there after he has passed?
If you will be reaming why not think about getting some new pets maybe a couple of kittens or baby rabbits? They will be the future and the oldsters will pass in their own time.
Dad won't allow workers in the house but are there things you can do to brighten it up. Even if it is just your own bedroom, make some changes to the bedding, drapes etc or even a new coat of pain. Get the low VOC kind then dad won't even smell it. make it bright and cheerful,add some inexpensive candle and favorite scents. Play some soothing music of your choice.
As far as your Dad is concerned is he just old or does he have life threatening illnesses apart from the diabetes? Is he hiding anything from you like ulcers on his legs or a rotten toe? He is not seeing a Dr so is not having someone check for these things,
Fear is contagious. You know you are fearful and you think it is of death. Your mother's spirit is with you for a reason so try and listen to what she is telling you.
Try and ignore your brother. Guilt is probably guiding his remarks and he projects it on you by criticizing everything you are trying to do. Healthy meals don't have to be time consuming. Try and plan ahead rather than panicing on the way home from work and just grabbing some thing from the store. Write a menu for the week and include snacks for Dad to keep his sugar steady while you are at work.
Work on one small thing at a time don't try and tackle everything and reward yourself. perhaps todaypick up all the piles of paper in the living room and toss the garbage. When you have done that get on the computer and choose a new bedspred for your room. get those bunnies out and let them run around the room. They might like to be brushed as well or clip their claws to make sure they are not curling into their feet. They may be old and waiting for death but animals like to go on living to the very end. You have hit a rough patch but you don't need to accept it and mom is there to help you.

Wow, so many questions and comments! You guys are great. My parents bought our house in 1977; I never left. I want to live the rest of my life here, yes. You can read my other posts but I'm fairly secure now that, yes, I will be able to keep the house. My father was never a good father emotionally. He screamed, cursed, and beat me with his belt as a child. Only one time in my life did he hug me, kiss me, and/or tell me that he loved me and that was the first time he went insane in 2004 (also happened in 2005 and 2013). Despite that, he has always provided for us financially for which I am grateful. He worked hard at his job. But, he's never been happy. I've decided that's not for me, and I try hard to find happiness in my animals, the land, plants, and so on. My brother likes to belittle me all the time. We actually went on a day trip Friday to some water gardens which was lovely except for the fighting between him and his nasty wife. My brother is also obsessed with gay people. He'll say, "They're G-A-Y," and I'm like, "Why do I care?" We went in a mall, and he's telling me that a couple of women are gay, and which one do I want to date? I've never had a relationship with anyone and have always been attracted to men but he's always trying to goad me about things. He calls me "hopeless" and "homeless." Anyway, back to dad. He sees a psychiatric nurse every two months. Due to HIPPA laws and such, she won't speak to me. She prescribes the meds. She also gave him an order for blood work two weeks ago, and it's still sitting on his desk (which I cleared off a few months back as it was overflowing since he no longer deals with mail; I take care of all that now). I've told him that I can take him to get a hair cut (been 8 months) or to the doctor, and he gets agitated and says he doesn't need that. The last time he went insane, he said he was "cured" of diabetes that the meds gave it to him. Of course, now he's back on the meds (makes sense, huh?). He was diagnosed with mild to moderate dementia two years ago but they said they couldn't separate dementia from bipolar or medication effects. The meds are part of the reason he does nothing but, if you'd seen him when he was hyper manic and psychotic, believe me, you'd much prefer the sedate version. I haven't examined my father or seen his feet (since my brother trimmed them two years ago). I've told my brother repeatedly to trim my father's nails. My father does his finger nails but not very well or very often. I've begged my brother to take him to get him a hair cut. Keep in mind that my brother lives 10 minutes away! And yes, when he said I was feeding my father poorly, I asked him when he was going to come over and cook him a meal or invite us to his house (we're not really welcome there). If my father dies, I won't miss him as he is but the father that he could have been. I see my brother hug, kiss, and play with his daughter and wish my father had done some of that. Being that I'm completely alone, it's harder to deal with things. I saw a therapist in 2010 (long story there!) but she said, "You are the most amazing person I have ever met." I've had a dozen other people also say that. Yet, none want to be my friend. So, it's me and the cats! Oh, and mom's advise? She was histrionic. She and my father detested one another, and yet most of their lives, they're all they had. They were married 50 years. She prayed for him to die almost daily for years. So, she'd say, "Put him away!" I don't always listen to my mother. A few other things. Dad used to snack all the time. Now, he hardly ever eats snacks. I take good care of my animals. The buns had their weekly bath (poopy butts) last night, and they are 9 and 10 years old. I have other animals, too many but I wouldn't trade them for the world.

Zombie the bottom line is that you can't force anyone to do anything. Do either you or your brother have POA? Apart from his health issues I'd be very concerned about his foot care as his toenails may be so long now his feet hurt and that's why he won't move about. Sounds like he's not going to change and neither is your brother. Is there a social services agency is your area you could perhaps call and/or meet with to get some help and advice? Things can't go on as they are and at least it would be a start, having an outsider, a third party so to speak, to talk to and get some ideas of what might be done to help your situation..

You write that you've lived in the house all your life and have no friends and I wonder if your fear is of being alone when someone or something passes away.

I sold my home, quit my career and moved 200km to care for my mother for four years (parkinsons, dementia and many strokes) until it became impossible to do it alone 24/7/365 and she went into a lovely nursing home. She's been there 2.5 years now and is close to the end of her time. She's always refused lunch, only going to breakfast and supper.

I volunteer in the physio dept of the local hospital once a week and last week we worked with a lady ... in for possible gall stones ... who shares the dining room table with my mother. She's sharp as a tack and confirmed that at meals my mother will take a bite or two then refuse to eat any more. Though I take her apple juice and the NH provides protein shakes she's not been drinking much either.. At this point she weighs far less than my big dog.

When I visited a couple of days ago her cheeks were gone, face sunken in and wild eyes staring off into the distance. Though barely able to speak, she said "I'm dying, everything is so different" before falling back to sleep..

Let's say she's not been the nicest of humans and I spent a life time avoiding her, only giving up my life to care for her out of duty. Interestingly she wouldn't lift a finger to help her parents and doesn't even know where, or if they were buried. I will not visit again as it brings back all the evil she has done to me and my poor late father, along with anyone else who dared cross her path, life long and it unhinges me. In accordance with her wishes, when she passes I'll have her cremated and spread her ashes in a park near her former home. I don't know what I feel right about now ... edgy, stomach banging, just waiting day by day for "that" phone call.

I know just how much our animals mean to us and I prefer mine to most people. I live out in the country now with 2 rescue dogs, 4 cats (the Mouse Squad) and an old goldfish called Ralph and I'm working on building a new life. It's a bumpy road, but never give up!

Look here to find some help http://msa.maryland.gov/msa/mdmanual/01glance/html/social.html or here http://www.yellowpages.com/marriottsville-md/social-service-organizations. Good luck!

Ash

I find that it works best if I just take things one day and one chore at a time. I do check to see if my Mom is breathing while she is sleeping often, and have developed this habit when my husband developed a heart condition years ago and I do that with him...Then I tell myself, "not today"..no one is dying here and I get on with the day and things on my list.
It is a good idea to do little things for yourself...I like the idea of a new bedspread or little things you can do. Even changing the pattern of the kleenex box and putting a brighter wattage lightbulb in can cheer up a room.
I would try to get your Dad's feet looked at and tended to sometime, as that is important with diabetes. Your brother is likely feeling subconciously guilty for not helping more so he becomes critical. He also sounds immature with his gay comments. You have more important things to worry about than strangers at the mall!

My brother just called. He's coming over to pick wineberries, and I have to make him dinner. I cook for him almost every time he comes over (I guess the "crap" is good enough for him!) but I didn't think he'd come over today as I spent Friday with him. His wife has an unspoken rule that he's not allowed to spend more a few hours on one day per two weeks with me. I do do little things for myself. I got a new bedspread about 6 months ago that I love.

Zombie, your brother may have a witch for a wife because he treats her like he treats you but she calls him on it. Please start to treat yourself better and make others treat you with respect. If your brother expects dinner, change his expectations. If he invites himself over, tell him to bring dinner for everyone. No excuses tart a new regime called the I deserve it campaign. Works for his wife!

"I have to make him dinner. I cook for him almost every time he comes over".

And there you have in your own words an excellent insight into the relationship with your brother and why he treats you with disrespect.

Zombie, my father lived on coffee in the AM and bourbon and soda at night. Any attempts to change this were futile. Let your Dad eat what he wants. And don't cook dinner; tell bro you are going out and he can cook for dad. Give them a few hours alone together so bro can really get a grip on reality.

Now that's what I call a balanced diet, Pam.

One thing to remember is that you really don't want to dwell on the inevitable, which will only make you depressed. I had my own concerns about walking in one day and finding someone, but what helps me is to just enjoy that person's presence and the fact that there still alive. My surrogate dad became pretty difficult but he would actually have those very brief times that were seemingly becoming more frequent. It wasn't until later that I realized he was also becoming more forgetful, indicating the onset of dementia. What I had to do instead of focusing on death is to just look forward to seeing him and the fact that he was still alive. You can remember the good memories of when your loved ones health was much better, because the good memories are what you really want to dwell on if you're going to dwell on anything. There may be some precious moments that actually stuck with you through the years, or you and your loved one may have had a favorite movie or two that you used to watch together. Whatever it was that you and your loved one enjoyed together, that's what you want to focus on, the good. My surrogate dad was actually better to me than my bio parents were, and when you have someone who's made a difference in your life despite the fact that you had to sever the abusive relationship with your natural family, I can honestly say that from experience, that I absolutely must focus on the good instead of worrying about one day walking in and finding dad. Sometimes you just have to remind yourself not to focus on the bad or inevitable, but you must focus on key things that help your relationship to grow. It's natural to be concerned about our loved ones because we would hate for anything bad to happen to them, that's normal and even natural. However, sometimes we can reach the point of dwelling on what will only bring us down. That's why we should actually enjoy what remaining days we have with our loved ones by trying to find the good. One thing that really help me is to build my social life outside of the relationship with my surrogate dad. You can't avoid having friends for someone else's sake. What you can do is build friendships and just see those friends somewhere other than your home if this is necessary. Right now I have a friend who is temporarily living with someone, but we must meet elsewhere. The key to having friendships even if there are problems somewhere that prevent someone's home from being visited by friends is to have alternate meeting places such as parks, libraries, and other appropriate places to meet friends. If you deal with a toxic environment, having friends to talk to will actually help you to pull through those hard times. If you try to deal with life's struggles on your own, life will be so much harder as I already know. Whether you're doing part of the caregiving of someone else or just sitting with them for a while, you still need a support network. One friend of mine was taking care of her daughter for years until her daughter finally passed. What really helped her is having a strong support network of supportive friends. Those few people actually helped her through the tough time of losing her daughter. On the anniversary of her daughter's death, there are times that she must turn to someone within her support network. What I'm saying is that if you build a relationship bridge now, your support network will be there for you later when times get even harder. What helped my friend through the tough times of caring for her disabled daughter is the fact that she also had some help from family and friends she made with the visiting nurses. Only a select few people participated in the young girl's care so that she felt comfortable having only people she felt the closest to caring for her. This may have put more stress on her parents, but they somehow found a way to get through the tough times of being full-time caregivers. Of course they knew how sick their daughter really was, but they never dwell on that. They just tried to enjoy each day as it came. What really helped my friend's daughter is keeping her happy. If she was happy, everyone else was happy.

Perhaps you can use something from here as an idea to create your own idea. If you can keep your loved one happy in some way or another, this is what will help to ease the tension in your home. You really don't have to avoid having friends just because of tension from the love one that your caring for. You may not be able to bring someone to your house, but again, remember that there are other places you could meet so don't be afraid to make friends. Don't deny yourself a social life just because the person you're caring for doesn't want anyone around. Don't make that persons choice your choice by denying yourself and outside social network.

My mother died November 2013. My brother was always my parents' favorite. He could be forgiven for everything. In order to get him to visit her, mom would feed him. So, I've done the same, or I won't see him at all. My brother has NEVER, that's right NEVER in his almost 40 years brought a meal over to our house or bought carryout and brought it over, even when mom was dying, and things were bad. And, yes, we've asked. He will make stroganoff at our house if I get the ingredients. We ate at his townhouse one time, and the meat was stuff going bad at our house since the power was out for days. I took my mother to about 47 blood transfusions in the last almost two years of her life. My brother took her to 3. He said it was because my job didn't matter (he makes more than I do) and then, for part of the time, I was unemployed and couldn't get another job because they wouldn't let me take a day off every two weeks to take mom to transfusions. While my brother is not always an easy person to deal with, his wife is a bad person regardless. I think I talk in another post about how they ended up married when she threatened to kill him and herself. He was going to marry her in court alone but I told my mother who had a cow. They still married three days later in our church. There's not one person who would tell you that she is a good or nice person, even her own family. Nothing makes the personality of one person with problems worse than when they marry another person who is screwed up! My poor niece is caught in the middle. Just last night, she called me, and I could hear her parents fighting. I said, "Are they fighting again?" She said yes, and I said, "I'm so sorry. I wish I could fix it. I love you." She's the brightest spot in my life. I have to do what my brother wants in order to see either of them.

I'm supposed to dwell on good memories about my dad but the problem is that there really aren't any. He's always been mean and unhappy his whole life. Memories include screaming, cursing, breaking dishes, stomping his feet, threats, three psychotic breaks, and so on. My parents fought daily with screaming and cursing. He'd threaten to throw all my stuff away. As a child, he said he was going to back up his pickup to my playroom window and throw all my stuff in there. I developed an unhealthy attachment to things as a result. I'm not a messy hoarder but I've got most of my stuff from my entire life because that's all I have aside from my animals. When dad was manic, he threw a lot away. Now, he's a zombie (hence my log in name). I feel guilty about wanting to move forward with my life when I'm stuck in limbo. I've never had real friends but neither has my father or my brother. People think I'm great but they don't want to spend any real time with me, even if I had time myself. I'm used to being alone. What's new to me is being in control. With my mother (who ran the show) gone, and my father in a zombie-like state, I'm finally controlling most everything except for him of course.

Does your dad have a will or will the house go to both you and your brother? I would get legal counsel so you know what to expect regarding his assets. Considering how your brother has treated you, I don't think him to change after your dad passes away.

Zombie, I really feel for you, but also admire you immensely I also surround myself with animals, they do not judge they do not try to make you out for what you are not, just to throw more scorn.
Id be divorcing your brother.. you probably have anyway. I had hoped you might have had a friend in the SIL, but lets leave the two of them screaming and enjoying life
your father has that handful of diseases, mental and chronic diabetes that one blackmails the other and you in between.
For your sake his being taken to a rest home would be the best. Would you lose the home??
And remember that often WE don't have friends because we don't want them, we don't want to load them with our problems. Then again some folk think that friendship is where someone HAS to listen share and suffer with you. I have some friends, that know nothing about me, others I can share the pains of the day, cos WE both then giggle as often the same thing has happened of similar nature.
I hope one day you do get to lead a life, but don't lose your ability to have one now. Tell your father's son that you are going to be late home, and he can take the broccoli over to the old man, and cut his hair and nails after his bath and enjoy the evening together. you will be home at 10pm and will attend the critters then. no please no could you... just delegate!! its sometimes as much fun as a delete button

Zombie, I have another idea for you if there are really no good memories to remember about your dad. I'm sure that your dad is not the only person who was ever close to you. There must be someone else who has really made a big difference in your life by changing your life for the better at some point along the way. Perhaps you could think of all the good times you had with that other person instead since there are no good memories that you have with your dad. I can tell you that even though I don't have very many good memories of my own parents, there are many other people who have left footprints on my heart. Those are the people who actually left memories of even the smallest things that I still cherish today. Many times focusing on those precious memories have actually helped me pull through even the worst of times. If you really search your memory bank, I'm so sure that you'll find someone else who has really warmed your heart in some way. If you really search for those memories by that person, you'll be very surprised at how well you're really pull through what you're going through now. I'll give you a hint on how to find those precious memories. What you do is when you have private time to yourself, just start meditating on those past precious moments as they drop into your thoughts. You can also pray for the person who brought that memory into your life. In fact, I'll start you off by sharing something from my own life. I recall a time during early childhood when a preschool classmate shared a Twinkie with me. The manner in which it was done was very precious. It was the first time I ever even tasted a Twinkie at four years old. I still recall it very clearly today as though it was just yesterday. Another time, that same classroom friend would pick the lunch meat off of her sandwich and lay it on my placemat after she was done eating. We usually sat next to each other except for one day when the teacher said us in different seats about two or three seats away from each other. This one particular day, my polio stricken friend hobbled from her seat in her braces all the way around the table just to lay a big piece of ham onto my placemat. This particular memory really warmed my heart in such a special way that I can't help but think about it at times. There must have been someone in your life, too. Just search your heart, and you really won't have to look too far to find something that you can meditate on. Sometimes just thinking about the precious memories of my childhood friend really helps me a lot. Sometimes it's those warmest memories from times past that really come to the foreground of our memory banks. I can't say that I can always think of something from the memory bank, but there are still times when I really can. This is therapeutic for me, and surely it would also help you if you just spend some time focusing in your spare time when you can have time all to yourself. I'll give you a simple clue on how this works for me. Mine works best when I'm completely comfortable somewhere in my favorite go to spot, which happens to be my bed. Find yourself a very comfortable spot, wherever that place may be. This is where the best meditation takes place, trust me on this I've done it my whole life and I know how well it really works. No matter what you're going through now, those precious memories will definitely come to light when you go visit your favorite spot away from everyone

The will leaves me 50%, my brother 40%, and his daughter 10% with theirs in trusts and with me as the trustee. Hers has an end date (her 21st birthday) but my brother's does not so a lawyer said I'd have to either pay him off (which would leave me broke), pay him rent, or get him to sign some deal if he agreed to get everything after I die. My brother is never serious so he joked that he could move in and pay me rent but I know he'll never leave his wife.
My good memories are few, mostly related to my animals and friends that long ago dumped me. In school, I was the pariah. Kids called me names and slammed me in to lockers. I was ugly and shy and didn't fight back. My brother and niece came over last night in the pouring rain to pick wineberries. We actually had a good time. I don't want to divorce him but I can't rely on him or trust him.

Get yourself in counseling, get to a doctor yourself, and you can only change yourself. Others will change or not, but you cannot change another. If you are working outside the home 9 hours a day, then you are earning money, so get your own place. Your brother and father will manage, and you will save your sanity.

I so understand what you mean. My father is 90 and mother 86. I hear regularly how they wish they were dead (pain, boredom, mom watching dad lose his memory, etc). I live in a town where over 80% are retired, so ambulance and first responders are known on a first name basis. And I currently deal on an unfortunately regular basis with death as I run a small center for geriatric and infirm birds. Death everywhere I look.
It frequently gets me down. Sometimes I wonder how I can escape back to the world of the living.
Then, I shake it off, regroup and keep on going. (not easy I know) The only thing that seems to save me is 3 am to 5 am when I allow myself to think of all good things. (I don't sleep 'well', but I dont have time to stress about that either) I take this time to think of, read and look for good/inspirational things over a lovely cup of tea. Its a small thing but for me it helps to have that time to think of life, not death. I cant let it be my focus. All around me are those who are suffering, hurt and afraid, I try hard to provide light and inspiration for them.
From your post it sounds like you are treating your father well. We can only do what we can do. Be proud of your contribution, he wouldnt have it without you. If your brother wants more done let him do it. When my sisters start in on what I should or should not be doing, I have to say to myself, thanks for you opinion, unless you are willing to live here and do this, you do not have the big picture. You think you can do better, let me know and I will move on in my life. No takers so far.
I found this site on one one my mornings and find it helps so much hearing of other peoples experiences and ideas. (Thank you to all contributors) I hope I have helped a little bit, if nothing else to let you know you are not alone.

Need to follow

I'm not moving! I've spent almost 43 years dealing with a dysfunctional family so that I can finally have the house, land, animals, and plants to myself. They are my reason for living. We have 5 acres, and I've done most of the work on it for most of my life. I personally "know" thousands of plants and animals who depend on the land and I. I have two monarch caterpillars right now on the milkweed that wouldn't exist if anyone else lived here (they would have killed the "weeds."). All of my good future plans have to wait until my father is gone which really sucks. If he weren't in his state, he would enjoy a bathroom without mold and a hole in the floor, a nice deck, walkways (we have zero!), and that puppy I've always wanted to name a few.

With some things that you are certainly struggling with by others not understanding... I think you would need to put a firm foot on this... people around you don't need to unsderstand it, they just need to accept it. Could it be that a care assistant could give you a hand with meal preparation (put in in the freezer for a later reheat) and some of the cleaning AT NIGHT, when your dad is sleeping?.Maybe it is the case that you are putting others first. Remember you are the one helping and if you don't get a bit of help (even from a support group), you are going to be the one in need of help. GardenArtist has good advice, been a caregiver myself.

Zombie - though I'm glad to find, in that sense, it's your dad who is and not you - why did your mother have to have transfusions; we went through that with my dad the last year and a half of his life; he'd gotten his grandson to move in with him so he took him most of the time, while I (I did live 5 hrs. away) did take him some, mainly when I'd gone up to give him a break, as in he was taking a trip - but guess I'm mainly wondering if your mom wanted to go through that; dad would say he didn't but it was grandson who wanted it; he's the one who would go through what you are, was so afraid he would find him one day and he got to where he was sleeping more too, where for most of his life he was up at 6, and especially more so in the winter when it was dark as well; with his dementia, time began to not mean anything to him either; I do agree with others here; you really need to be sure about the house situation, so that you will know what you can and/or can't do about it later; dad's house was falling apart as well and he also wouldn't let anything be done - or maybe that's why grandson didn't do anything, like I thought he was going to. And then I have a question; if you've discovered you have a UTI, are you on medication for it? But sounds like - maybe it's the medication - that at least you are able to leave your dad - no way could mine be left so grandson was there pretty much all the time - guess my thought is seems like that would be a good thing that you are able to get out and not have to be there all the time but maybe it's the thought of everything you still feel you have to do when you get back that's the problem; at least he did have the time to take care of things around there, though not sure how much he really did, although he did mow and take care of the yard; that could be your dad's problem, know it really affected mine when he got to the point he couldn't do that anymore; could you talk to his nurse about getting some house help; I'm a little surprised she hasn't brought it up, especially with the exercise; that's usually something they're big on and is he actually not bathing or washing his hair - was thinking brother could do it, or rather was thinking specifically about hair cut; know mom would do dad's and he wanted grandson, then, to do it, and he did some but then he finally got him to go to the barber shop where they would wash his hair but if he's not showering, then how is he hygiene wise? I'm just surprised his nurse has not addressed any of this. Is she not under a doctor? wouldn't she have to be?

Mom had chronic lymphocytic leukemia. The disease fills the blood with white blood cells and smothers out the other cells leading to low red blood cells, low platelets, etc. She was diagnosed in 2000. Her hemoglobin was low enough that she started getting packed red blood cells in January 2011. She died November 2013 right after an emergency transfusion (hemoglobin was only 3.5), just she and I in the middle of the night; luckily, she was unconscious for the last 6 hours or so as she gasped for air.

I took antibiotics but the urine culture came back negative. It seems I probably have something else my mother had, interstitial cystitis. I've always been one who feels like she needs to pee all the time. At least the antibiotics took the pain away even though they're not supposed to. The nurse said that happens commonly.

I am out at work 9 hours a day 5 days a week. Dad just stays in his chair all day. He can still walk around and use the bathroom. He usually eats a breakfast biscuit or hotdog for lunch. I've bought him other things but he won't eat them, even if I fully prepare them. He always says he forgets.

As for mowing, I've been doing that for about 10 years. I got tired of him mowing over my plants! Now, he can't operate the mower or see well enough. The last time he went mowing (he would still collect fall leaves even though I did regular mowing) maybe 3 years ago, he ran over the septic tank head, and the mower got stuck. Wow, the cussing that came out of him that time!

He got a new nurse about a year ago, and she won't talk to me. Mom and I used to talk to the old one but it took a lot of talking to get her to commit him in June of 2013 when he was insane. You'd think the new woman would see what he looks like and try to contact his family but no. He gets in the shower every morning for about two minutes. I asked him a few years ago what kind of shampoo he wanted, and he said he doesn't use it. I asked if he used soap instead, and he said no. I put a new bar of regular soap in the shower for him months ago, and it has not been used at all. Even long ago, he never used wash rags. I told him a few times a week for months to get a hair cut. He usually just stares at me or says it doesn't need it. I've stopped asking. I asked my brother a dozen times to take him for a hair cut, and now I've stopped asking. His smell used to bother me but now I'm pretty good at ignoring it. One of the few things he still does is wash his underwear. He won't wash his regular clothes and refuses to let me do it ("It don't need it!). I did notice more urine on his underwear plus his had two diarrhea events where he got it everywhere. If he becomes incontinent and can't change his own diapers (or refuses to wear them), then I will definitely need help. For now, since he won't allow anything, my work for him (aside from running the entire house) is just feeding him dinner. I'm fresh out of dinner ideas? Suggestions?

I was just reading my own post and wanted to make it clear that my mother was in the hospital for the last 12 hours of her life. She was a hypochondriac and saw many, many doctors but refused most cancer treatments that could have lengthened her life. She never lost her mind though. Just hours before going to the ER for the last time, she was ordering the neighbor to move her bed! She also sent her last e-mail telling a doctor who wouldn't admit her to his trial, "I guess I'll just die then." And, she did. My mom was insistent and could force you to do anything. Dad took her orders even though he hated it.

first, I don't know - a pot roast? what we had last night -
my dad had been - diagnosed? in 2005 I can't really think now what it was but high platelet count anyway and put on medication for it that he thought he would only be on for about a year, or at least if when he back to the doc then his levels were back to normal, which they were, but he said he'd have to be on it the rest of his life, so he took it till August 2012 when grandson found him collapsed and took him to the hospital, where they found his hemoglobin low and gave him blood; he was in there about 2 weeks, sent home with home health, having his blood checked but not getting blood so after about 2 weeks when he had it done they called, said his hemoglobin was low enough to get him to the ER for blood so basically when started getting the packed red blood cells; they basically said they hadn't really expected him to live as long as he had, to still be on the medication; that basically after about 7 yrs., - so they hit it right on the money - it basically starts suppressing your other cells, leading to low red blood cells and platelets, while having high white blood cells counts, which at first, when he was in the hospital, they were just saying he had pneumonia causing it but then when seemed to be getting over that they still weren't coming down they didn't want to tell me what that could mean but they didn't know about his diagnosis but unknown to them the cancer doctor they'd called in was the one he'd had so when they told me that and I began to press them on it we finally got it all out that I told them that, yes, he had that diagnosis, that had been his doctor and that obviously I knew all this, so just a matter of seeing what these tests were that they and he had run that they said were being sent off to a special cancer lab, which, yes, they were, but they weren't even what they'd thought they were; they were just some genetic tests; none of this was unexpected to them; they knew what was going on; it just got to be a big mix-up in communication and protocol between all the doctors but the hospital, not really sure which doctor, had set him up to see this doctor in about what was supposed to be 2 weeks but this ER run ended up happening before then but then he did go but of course since that had happened he was fine by then so nothing was done, except the labs were still being done and they would still call, though not quite so urgently and say they were low enough for him to go get blood but then you'd get out there and they'd say they weren't low enough, at least not through the ER to be considered emergent, so we'd have to call the doctor and get it ok'd from him because his levels that he wanted him to get them didn't have to be as low but it had to be done every time until finally after several times of this happening about every 2 weeks he finally did standing orders that if it was a certain level he was to get it but he still wanted to be notified. So this went on until December 2013 - but wondering, did your mother ever get a port? they wanted Dad to have one if he was going to be getting blood that much, or maybe rather because his veins were collapsing - did you ever have that problem with her? or maybe that was because he would pull the iv out but then what was trying to say - that morning he did get up early, or at least got up to go to the bathroom, maybe had still been doing that some or had started but hadn't been staying up like used to so think grandson thought had just gone back to bed; hadn't heard anything that sounded like up but also why talked about you still working, which I know his hard but even with him not dad at least different from yours; you couldn't leave him to stay in a chair all day and we still not sure what had happened but grandson had really just begun to get exhausted from dad had started just being up and down all day and night; were just getting started trying to get more help; anyway he fell back asleep and when "something" woke him up, kinda like you talking about, just seemed way too quiet, hated to go to his room, wondering what might find, but no, wasn't there, couldn't find him anyway, somehow, had just talked about this too, getting door alarms, not sure if failed to lock it because if had, not sure how, with his arthritic hands, could have gotten it unlocked but anyway and this strange too because though he would often go out the back door to the deck he rarely, or we thought, went out the front door, but that's where he found him, - so just be so glad your dad stays put - at the bottom of the front steps - anyway called the ambulance, got him to the hospital and - didn't find this out till days later - when he got there, yes, his blood count was low but not as low as your mom's I don't think anyway, again, this being the ER, since he'd quit getting his blood through them, they didn't know about it, so just assumed it was low from the fall - maybe I should have had some kind of note put in somewhere but would have thought they would have had it, have learned some things about things like that - if they had might have done some things differently - or still might have been another emergency transfusion, like your mom's; he was unconscious too, that time - so do you know what actually happened then with your mom? can't imagine it being that low - was that just too low for the blood to do any good and get her oxygen back up - dad's blood pressure is what dropped so low that time - that the only way they could get it back up was with volume, so think they went from just the packed red blood cells to full on blood, which, again, think they might not have done had I been already there, was on my way as fast as I could but 5 hrs. away and they wouldn't tell me any of this on my way by phone; also had him on ventilator as well - actually the ER don't think would have done any of this but grandson was just beside himself, which I can understand, somewhat what you're saying to begin with - is part of your feelings? about this because of going through this with your mom? - I was with her when she died too, in almost the same situation, so I can understand - so anyway when grandson was the way he was poor ER doc didn't know what to do so wound up in the doctor's lounge with a doc of dad's who - long story - he's the one who wanted to do all this stuff and admitted him to ICU so he could and kept him going for another week because they did get his blood pressure and got him stable before I got there so then they didn't want to do anything - another long story - but anyway, were it not for all that, think he would have been gone, just like your mom, for the same reason - but guess what really wondering, did your mom want to go through all that? dad didn't and that's a long story then too