How do I tell my mother that my brother and I will not be her caregivers?

I agree with the 29 other posts here! I am the 30th poster to give you the same answer. Even if you DID agree, you wouldn't really be able to do it; 24 hour care minus your lives does not equal happiness for anyone involved. Logistically speaking, you don't have the time; emotionally you will be sucked dry, and physically, you don't have the training or strength to do it all yourselves.

She has to be told in no uncertain terms that YOU need to live YOUR life. She hs lived hers. She can afford help but treats them badly. So this is NOT your problem, it is hers. Do some detective work where you could place her and where you could find help. Tell her flatly you are physically, financially, etc., whatever unable to handle her and you cannot do it any longer. Let your brother speak for himself. Do NOT let her manipulate you or terrorize you or make you feel guilty. YOU NEED TO THINK OF YOURSELF AND YOUR FAMILY. You can oversee from a distance but someone else must take on the care.

She is thinking about the way things used to be when she was young. My Mother in law was the same way. In her day, she and her siblings took turns taking care of her parents when they could no longer care for themselves. So when my MIL needed care, she was a constant drain on the family because she refused to move out of her home and go in to an assisted living facility.
Your mother's frame of reference is a time when daughters, stayed at home and did not have outside jobs. The whole family was involved in elder care.
Your mother continues to think that this is the way things should be.
Things are not the same now as they used to be. Does she understand that?

I don't know why so many elders resist going to a facility that is equipped to deal with long term care. I hate it that my savings will (probably) be used for that instead of sending my grandkids to college. But I do have LTC insurance and all sorts of advance directives, including PLOST (if anyone looks in the freezer to find it). I lived with my late husband in an independent/assisted living facility for two years until he died. Then I stayed there for another two years until I found a penthouse in an old apartment building that was much larger and cheaper. But, believe it or not, I miss the activities and outings and people to eat meals with that I found in the "facility" and am considering moving to a place that offers memory care (I have a gene for Alzheimer's, but am physically in very good shape as I have exercised regularly for over 40 years). I live alone, but it is also very lonely. I see my in town children about twice a year!

I'm sorry, I feel for you. I'm in the same situation. But mom is 71 and expects me to retire in 5-8 years and care for her full time. She is pretty healthy. Being around her 24/7 with be bad for me and my husband. I get anxious when I have to call her ...let alone be with her all the time. She is demanding and bossy. She lives 800 miles away....I'm not moving there. You are only obligated to make sure she is being taken care of....not to change your entire life to her expectations.

Dear Guiltridden,
I am writing from the patients point of view. I have a very different perspective than many, and I want to share this with you as I am beginning to have more confusion and forgetfulness. I have instructed my DW and adult children what my true wishes are. When the time comes where I need to be institutionalized, I'd like them to place me in a home roughly 100 miles from where we live. The reason, I don't want them to feel like they have to spend all their time visiting me. I told them I want them to go on with their lives, devote themselves to their own families, career, and lives. We have a special needs tweenager, who will need enough care from my DW, she doesn't need to be coddling me. I also want her to go on with her life and welcome someone else in to her life to share it with. My DW is 8yrs younger than me and only in her very early 50's now. I am in my late 50's. She'll have a heck of a lot more years to live, and I don't want her to be alone. I've told the adult children, to not give her any grief about getting on with life. Life is for the living.
I encourage you to not become wrapped up in guilt thinking you and your DH should not enjoy however many years you have to yourselves. I believe your family should come first. Especially being that your mother has plenty of resources to spend on herself. I further encourage you and your DH to make your own wishes well known to your adult children and get your legal affairs settled so that your wishes will be honored.
My DW and I were in the process of putting all of our affairs in order at the same time I had my diagnosis of Dementia/Early onset Alz in my mid 50's. Our faith has allowed us to be at peace, and we have all the legal matters settled by an Estate Lawyer and then had an Elder Law Attorney give us an opinion, which said everything was done properly according to current law in our state. My DW owns everything now. Peace to you and your family

Guiltridden 64, You have been given some great advice from people who have been where you are!!  The only thing I would add is that Mom will not be any happier living with you or you with her, than she is right now!!
No, she doesn't realized that.  She just wants things to be better and she has found her own solution.  Sadly, she is wrong.  Old age is not for the faint of heart... You are doing wonderful things for your Mom.  Maybe it is time to at least look at the AL places close by so she can see the activities and the nice rooms and the big screen TV.   AND  all the people to mingle with!!

God Bless You and Yours!!

A Patriarchal society has put us in this predicament. I am the only daughter too and my family (mom and 2 brothers) have unreasonable expectations of me. I have run myself ragged for my parents (dad is no longer with us). I put them first in times of crisis but I don’t have the energy for LTC. I am 60, widowed, have lost my only son to cancer and not currently working. But I still have my life to take care of and it’s not easy. My mom too doesn’t want to spend her money, lives in a run down old mobile home on a lot she owns but is not able to take care of. I do what I can but have made it clear I am a widow too and I can’t take care of her home. My brother is POA and will inherit all her money but because he “works” he gets out of doing the grunt work for her.

My thoughts are take care of yourself and put your marriage first. Don’t let anything - especially your mother - come between you. Cherish your love cause even a lifetime is not enough. ❤️

I just want to add that my mother doesn’t give a flip about living in a nice AL with activities and meals. She sits every day alone in her trailer (caregiver 2 x week). She refuses to spend her money though she can afford to. Her choice!

Chances are she's lonely, but may deny it vehemently. You moving in won't solve that. You'll be at work or living your own life, plus you're her daughter, not her contemporary. She probably can't see that and so she's just coming up with a 'solution' that fits neatly into her comfort zone (but will be way, way out of yours!).

You are in control even though it doesn't feel like it. First, go find a community near you that has a good reputation and that she can afford. Visit it without her and be VERY upfront with the sales person about your mom's abilities and her reluctance (they've solved these sorts of issues a million times).

When you find one you like, make it bluntly, but kindly, very clear to your mom that you WILL NOT move in with her and neither will your brother. Then, when the dust has settled, tell her you made an appointment to have lunch at whichever community you liked best. She won't get on the path unless you nudge, or even push, her there.

After the hassles of moving in (try to move her and deal with her house and most of her stuff afterwards), the overwhelming majority of people are much happier. (Though, some moms don't give their kids the satisfaction of letting them know how much they like it.)

Tell your mom those things. You have a family and because she saved so well she is able to stay in her home and you’ll make good choices for her. You want the best for her but I have a husband who needs me.

I always told my mom that she’d live with me and my husband but my health is terrible. I found her a great assisted living because she had more health problems than I could handle.

Gently tell your mom you’re helping her. She saved for a rainy day and that rainy day is here.

Let her her know you’re not abandoning her and be kind to the caregivers.

Best of luck. ❤️❤️

My dad passed 5 years ago. For the next 3 years after that, I basically took over caring for my (now) 86 year old mom while she continued to live an hour away from me in the home they had shared for 50 years. She was physically and mentally capable of caring for herself at the time, still drove, shopped, went out with friends, and had friends and neighbors who kept an eye on her, helped her with appointments, etc. I handled all her finances and worked quickly to get with an attorney and get all the necessary POA's, wills, trusts, etc. put in place. My husband and I also spent A LOT of time over those 3 years fixing up her house...first with all the "safety" issues that my father had neglected, then cosmetically. I had to find all the contractors, set the appointments, make the payments, etc. Mom was there to "supervise" the work, but that was about all. We took her shopping for new furniture and accessories, and my husband, who is also quite handy, spent at least one weekend a month fixing "small" stuff for her, as well as going out with her for dinner, plays, etc. We had her at our home for long weekends often (in one year I counted 14 times), spent all the holidays with her, etc. Things were "OK" for everyone, although often I felt a bit overwhelmed because it seemed the more we did for her, the more she expected. When the major projects were completed, and I finally felt a sigh of relief, she started finding other things she wanted done....and EXPECTED us to take care of for her! Then two years ago she got sick, lost her driver's license and everything went south. 6 hospital visits followed by weeks in rehab after each in 6 months. My husband and I had previously looked at IL and AL facilities and talked with her about "when the time came," to which she was agreeable. Even when my dad was still alive, she had started going to some of the activities at the local IL/AL places on her own, and had made some friends living in one that she said she would consider when the time came. Well, the time came. Doctors/social workers said she could not go back to live in that house on her own. Her health had deteriorated significantly and it wasn't safe. Even with caregivers coming 3x a day 7 days a week, it wasn't safe/good for her. And guess what? All bets were off! She completely shut down any discussions about AL. She decided that I was supposed to give up my life to take care of her full time!! When I told her this was absolutely NOT going to happen, her response was, "Well, I guess I know where I stand in your life." Forgotten was everything my husband and I had done for her for the past 3 years. So fast forward a hellish year after all this started and she is living with my brother in California (I live in IL)....permanently. I still handle all her finances, but she literally walked away from the house and everything here and left it all for me to deal with, because she didn't get her way with me. She lives with my brother, who is in the midst of a bitter divorce (wife served him 3 weeks after mom arrived!), has hired a caregiver to come daily and take care of mom and deal with all her needs (accompanying her to the hospital, taking her to appointments, etc.) so he can go on with his life, and now mom complains that his life is hectic, she doesn't come first, etc. After a few months of some very difficult health issues with her, brother is now starting to look into "other living options" for her because she is interfering with his life too much.

The point to this long story: No matter what you do, it won't make mom happy. So don't live in guilt trying to please her, and don't give up on your own life. For a long time I felt guilty that mom's "only choice" was to move 3000 miles away because I wouldn't take care of her (it was NOT her only choice. She was approved to live in one of the BEST AL facilities in our state...and has the means to do it). Now she is back to square one, but now with brother

Hang in there.  You are doing a great job both working and being sure she has care, food, etc.  Her happiness is not your job.  I've had luck with difficult elders by writing out clearly what my feelings are, and/or what their options are.  If they try manipulating, I say 'no', or 'not an option.  Look at that paper.'  and walk away.

I also like the possibility of a case manager.  Good luck, appreciate and take care of yourself.

Lots of good advice here. I will share what worked in our family:
1) My late grandmother (b. 1893!) JUST KNEW it was the son's obligation to stay in the rural town and take care of his widowed mother. Well, he and MY mother had other ideas, which involved escaping to the big city! (Fortunately for me, eventually...) But it took guts for Dad to stand up to Grandma. So Grandma next turned to her daughter. This was the early 1950's, so my aunt was able to say, Sorry, my HUSBAND'S career won't allow us to do that. Unfortunately, both of these "no's" meant that the daughter-in-law (my mom) and the son-in-law (my uncle) got thrown under the bus, essentially for the remainder of grandma's life. Grandma drove off every hired caregiver and eventually ended up in a nursing home.
2) My mother, as a result of Experience #1, was determined to maintain mother-daughter relationships with my sister and me, so moved into assisted living, although reluctantly. She thought she could still manage on her own, but she couldn't. The takeaway: If you are going to be the caregiver, forget about being the daughter. Every visit will be about her needs, what you (as a caregiver) are doing wrong, and you will come to resent the time you HAVE to spend with her. You yourself may become ill, burn out, or injure yourself. Is that what you want? Is that what SHE wants?
3) My mother-in-law moved into assisted living close to her 2 sons and her grandchildren, who cherish their relationships with her. All visit frequently. We take her out to church weekly, twice-weekly dinners in our homes, cultural events, school plays, etc. She is very active. I manage her finances. We have the energy to do all of these things because we are not ALSO doing 24/7 caregiving. The takeaway from this: Don't you want fresh troops coming in every 8 hours so you can do the family stuff? Yes, she complains sometimes, but WE'RE not at the breaking point, and therefore have the energy to deal with it.

Just wondering.....did your mom help her parents in their last years? What was her experience regarding this difficult time of life when she was in your shoes?

I would go with your brother one day and sit down and tell her you have a life of your own... it may be hard to do but you have to so she can prepare. Tell her you will help as much as you can to find her services. A lot of the time the elder think of money because they grew up in the recession when there wasn’t money and people were living on bread. So they worry if they will have enough money. Tell her there are free services available to her if she qualifies. Get her prepared before it’s to late. The most thing is tell her you have your own life and a job to deal with and can not quit your job to take care of her. Last but not least tell her you love her dearly. Explaining to them what they need to know won’t be so much of a shock. You have probably already told her you can not take care of her but be stern this time. I had to get in a fight with my mom because she wouldn’t give up. Now she is getting the beginnings of care started. I did help with that and haven’t spoken to her since or yet I should say. I just sent a care service over there. Maybe that’s what you need to do ? Have a care service contact her . Call around and find the best one for her. Good luck.

I have given up my house to move into a hud apt building to take care of my Mom. Thank God we have our own apts. She is always arguing and tight on money and will not give an inch as far as going for glasses or hearing aides or anything. I am an only child and pushing 70. My Mom gets around pretty good but still treats me like a child ; who to talk to/ where to go/ etc. It is so very wearing on me / I wish to the Lord I could go back home !. If your Mom has good care and doesn't need you all the time I really say " Tell her the truth and say NO sometimes --it is the only way you will keep your privacy and sanity. Help her but do not make it your lifes work ! Or you will be miserable and so will your family ! I love my Mom and I help her but I do try to have my own life too ! God Bless

I think I posted this comment elsewhere, but I'll post it again in brief. My widowed maternal grandfather lived in rural PA while my parents lived in metro NJ. He spent a winter with my parents, but then wanted to go back to his own home. My mother arranged for someone to come in to help with meals, cleaning, etc. on two occasions, but each time he "fired" them a couple days after they started (he didn't like the grandfather of one and still carried a grudge, the other didn't know where everything was right off the bat). He told my mother's BIL (who had always lived nearby) that my mother "belongs here"--and the answer he received was "no, her life is with her husband in NJ; you've chosen to remain here". Finally, he ended up in the nearby nursing home (actually a former hotel, so it was nice). My father said he had gambled on "guilting" my mother into moving to PA to take care of him--but he lost the bet.

Do not give into your mother’sdenands, your are correct your husband comes first.
Tell her I am married my husband comes first. You have good care givers, if you continue to run them off we have no choice but to have you move to a care facility.
Your brother must be present and back you 100 percent. If he doesn’t then tell him you will suggest she move in with him.
If she gets upset then say I am sorry you are upset but my husband is my priority. Then walk out the door and don’t look back.
Eleanor Roosevelt said it best “ you can only be a doormat when you first lay down”.

My 93 yr old mother already knows not to expect me to take care of her when she loses her independence. She is still able to do most things herself at this point. I do take her places and I took over her finances years ago. But physically it’s out of the question. I reminded her of a back problem I have and the fact that I don’t have the expertise to provide care that she would require. So when she needs it, she will have care from those who are best equipped to care for her. End of story. I will oversee her care of course. Be firm. Don’t leave any openings for her to expect you to bend.

Dear guilt: "She believes," but did she verbalize it?
Okay.... I see where she expects it. Tell her no, it won't be happening.

When my Mom asked and expected me to do the same thing I simply asked her, "Why didn't grandma (her Mom) come to stay with us then?" Mom answered, "I had my own life and family," then said, "Oh." Another word was never said.

I agree that no body can give 24/7 care for parents. Still we should try and help them as much as possible while providing good care by arranging care givers.We should be kind,courteous and under stand the fear /uncertainty in their minds.Remember our parents gave us 24/7 care when we were little.

Thank you all for your kind and thoughtful replies. I have not been able to be on here the past week, but reading your thoughts tonight has been a true blessing. My youngest brother is beginning to get on board, and the older will agree (his own health problems leave little choice). At the moment we are moving along fairly well, but I can see having to make some changes and big decisions after the first of the year. You all are so right, it is difficult, but standing firm is an absolute necessity. Bless you all!

My mom, who has serious dementia but is in also serious denial vocalized that my daughter should drop out of college and move in, and take care of, her. That obviously didn't go anywhere. Not sure what we are going to do as I have a job and live 350 miles away, we have an apartment at a wonderful, upscale assisted living place for her (that she makes excuses about not moving into), her doctor does not want her to be alone but have available care 24/7, and she fires every one who we hire to come to her home...

You can't make her guilt you into doing exactly what she wants you to do when you are making other safe and comfortable arrangements.

NEWS FLASH .... IT IS 2018 - the time when only the women do the care taking is long gone - who takes care of parents when they only have sons?

Tell her straight that you will not be doing any more than this & she better stop shooting herself in the foot over caregivers because she could be flagged within the caretaking community [they talk to each other just like the airlines have 'no fly' lists] as 'difficult' so she may not be able to get the care she needs down the road which could mean that she goes into 'care' earlier than she wants/needs to = good luck

Sounds like a selfish women. Not saying she should move in with her mother,but at 93 her Mom will not be around much longer. I hope she actually spends some time with her mother at least instead of outsourcing her. I have a sister in law who outsourced her mom and then I had to take over after the carnage. My sister in law, actually 2 sister in laws are very selfish people.

Balance is important. Be more involved, but also bring in the caregivers. Do more, but very much have more help. BALANCE!!!!

Hello Guiltridden64! I must be guiltridden 65!...in a very similar situation, except I did try two times to be the caretaker for my not-so-nice mother since I was working from home, and I will tell you both times, it did not work out. I believe it is much more difficult now having to tell her that she will not be returning to my house after getting out of the rehab facility after a recent fall. I almost feel it would have been easier to have never taken her in and not crossed that boundary because she is delusional about our relationship. My mother raised 4 children alone (divorced) and was not a warm and fuzzy type of mom. We were the housekeepers and cooks. After we all left home, she began hoarding in her 60's and for 30 years this has been a source of complaints and contention with her, always finding a way to blame one of her kids for the problem. She has a very negative attitude about everything and my daughter once described her rather accurately saying "she sucks the life out of you when you are around her".
Now at the age of 94, she has advanced macular degeneration, osteoporosis, some mild heart and lung issues and the beginning of dementia. After a fall last year, I took her in with me, being an RN thinking I could provide the care she needed which was light to moderate. During her stay, she would complain about many things such as the food, and she became so argumentative, making negative comments about me or my attitude and whispering things to my husband trying to come between us. When she stayed with my brother & his wife for 10 days while we went out of town she started doing the same thing to them, making comments and inuendos to his wife about how hard he was to live with. She was with me for about 7 months before calling the police on me saying we cut off the air to her room, which made no sense. I believe in retrospect the room was warm from keeping her door shut (due to the loud television playing all night long). She ended up in the hospital for a change in mental status and then returned home. My other brother was living with her at the time and it was even more hellish for him living on her turf. He recently moved to his own house and she did not want to remain alone so I brought her back with us to our home, thinking she would be better behaved. I was wrong. This time it lasted a month. I had to take complete charge of her medications due to some hallucinations. She became brutally angry. She still blames me and takes no responsibility for any of the anger and nasty comments. She was hospitalized for the hallucinations and discharged after one day, telling the doctors that we embellished the stories she told us. She ended up falling in my bathroom at 6am 2 days later (day after Thanksgiving) and is currently in a rehab facility, post hospital. She expects to come back to my home but I had to tell her we do not get along and I cannot be her caretaker and daughter at the same time; it just doesn't work because we have already tried it two times. She is in denial and told me she thinks we got along very well...unbelievable and of course I am horribly guilt-ridden, however, I cannot put my husband through this anymore; it is not fair to him and it is not fair to me. Oddly enough, she talks as if in her day, people took care of their parents and they didn't have nursing homes however ironically, she never cared for her parents, her younger sister took care of them for years as my mother was off traveling the country once she retired. I do lover her very much however she does not always practice what she preaches yet expects us to do so, and we usually do. My brothers and I are in agreement to place her in assisted living and have finally found a reasonable and very suitable place for her, despite her limited finances. The hoarding is a barrier for in-home caregivers. Her money will run out in about 2 years. So, follow your head, not your heart and do what will work for all of you.

No if she is capable to be on her own with caregivers. Keep her being independent as long as possible!! Explain to her that you cannot please her all the time. That you are married and have other obligations you and your brother are not retired like her and she appears to be doing okay on her own. Ask her what issues she is having. If she is alone in the evenings that is difficult . They do have caregivers that will spend nights with clients. Otherwise she may need assisted living. To feel safe.