Back story, my husband and I were high school sweethearts, married for 30 plus years now. My husband is youngest of 3 but his older brother passed in 2019. Shortly after his brother died, his Mother (74) was diagnosed with stage 3 cancer and at the time was told it would take her quickly. By then Covid was in full swing and we only had 2 options. Place her in care facility and not be able visit her, or take on all of her care ourselves. Long story short, “OURSELVES” became “MYSELF” real fast. Because of COVID we had to limit her risk and my Husband was still working so I had no choice. In March of 2020, I took a leave of absence from my job, move out of my home, and stopped seeing my grandchildren to move in with and care for my MIL. (Side note my SIL who worked from home, lived alone, and was only 5 houses from her mom, decided this wasn’t her problem). By July 2020 Covid was slowing down and my MIL needed a second surgery to try to remove as much of the cancer as they could. Afterwords she would need 6 more months of chemotherapy. I couldn’t do it alone anymore, so she sold her house and moved her in to our home. I thought having my husband around would make things easier and it did for a little while. But both him and my MIL were uncomfortable with him helping her with things like dressing, bathing & Doctors appointments, so once again her care was left to me... fast forward to Feb 2021. She did it, she beat the odds and is now in remission. She isn’t the same as before this happened but she no longer needs the constant care, in fact now that I’m back to work, I believe she would benefit from being in a senior community where there would be someone around to check in on her. I believe I’ve done my part, the crisis is over and now it’s time to pass the torch back to her and her children. Only now they like it the way things are... and by “THEY” I mean all three of them. MY MIL is happy living with us, she has become comfortable with me being there to take care of her, (my issue is, why try to do things like cook or clean if you have someone else do it for you). My husband likes having his mom living with us, (she never asks anything of him so he doesn’t see what’s wrong with letting her stay). And his sister gets the best of both world (her mom is being care for and she gets to go on with life like nothing ever happened). I’m at that point where the only way things are going to change (and I need them to change) is if I stand my ground and force them to ... But how do I force my Husband & SIL to step up and do their part without making my MIL feel I’m rejecting her?
It is only up to you to decide what YOU will do.
You will never force anyone ELSE to care for someone. I would think that would be clear by now. People decide what "doing their part" consists of. I myself would never take on in home care of an elder. I know my limitations clearly enough to know that is no option for me. Apparently you SIL does as well. And your husband who works was happy enough to keep his job so he can get away from it all while YOU give your job up and become a full time caregiver. So everyone here is quite happy now. Your MIL, your hubby and your SIL are very happy indeed. Why would they change?
You will have now, if there is to be change, to explain that you are unwilling to continue as you have been, that you had utterly no idea how your sacrifice would be taken advantage of, and that you cannot continue on as things are. Will that be hurtful for them to hear? Sure it will. They can rage and rant and cry and do whatever they have to; it will be a shock for them all. But you are a human being with your own rights to your own life choices, just as they are.
We tell people who we are and what we are willing to do for them by what we DO do for them. They accept us at our word. They EXPECT it of us and will accept the sacrifice with very little thanks. You have told people what you are willing to do. Now they accept you will do it.
The way to change all this is to tell all that you are no longer willing to do this, and that MIL must go into what care is affordable to her, or accept support of Medicaid for placement. If they say no, tell them you will work out a way to move now into a small studio and resume working. Give them a three month timeline, tell them there will be no reminders. See a Lawyer and get ready to leave.
As I said, you cannot force others. You are in charge of your own life unless you choose to throw your life, like so much meat to the crocs. Trust me. They will gobble it right down.
Man, how it applies to so much of our lives.
Bravo.
You then suggest in front of everyone the only alternative you see is for MIL to move in with her daughter.
I would also have a couple places picked out for MIL to go look at.
Yoy might also line up a Vacation fir yourself only and let husband and daughter take cane of their mom for a week by themselves.
If you can't go on a vacation then at the meeting, you should let them know that you have stepped in and now that MIL is on to recovery, you feel it is now the daughter's turn to let mom live with her.
If none of the above works, stop doing everything!
Let husband and MIL's daughter do everything.
Daughter can come over to give her baths, change her clothes, take her to Dr's appointments, ect.
Mare sure you start staying later at work, past dinner time and eat a sandwich on the way home, letting husband know he'll have to fix himself and his mom dinner.
You deffiently have done your part.
It is time for someone else to take over.
Be strong and Do It For You.
Prayers.
They never stopped assuming, pushing & trying for that lady to be all the solutions, until she STOPPED being all the solutions. Then they were forced to find alternatives.
That story saved my sanity & showed me how to stand up for myself & start setting better boundaries. And how it could be done in a loving, honest & kind way. (Thank you Dorker 🤗).
The best bit was the daughter-in-law & MIL relationship stayed good til the very end.
You will need to call a family meeting. Explain that since you are back to work, you can not carry the care load you did before. Since mom is in remission and was used to living on her own, suggest
1 - Assisted living or senior apartment. Most places have dining rooms and housekeeping staff. She can benefit from the activities.
2 - Days with SIL, she can provide any care mom needs while you work. Your husband can help with the household chores and since you will not be home all day.
3 - Creating a mother-in-law "suite" or "apartment" in your home as much as possible, She would need to be able to do housekeeping and her own cooking. Discuss how much "help" mom needs and that everybody needs to provide some of the "help." Don't recommend this option if you are not willing to provide more care as your MIL ages and needs more help again.
Love is not torture. You’ve done your part and your MIL is healthier as a result. It’s time for her children to look after her.