I live in NYC, my sister is in Franklin, TN, near mom. We both have kids (I have one and my sister has 2 plus 2 stepkids). Mom is 75 and had been showing signs of cognitive decline for the last couple of years. She has always had mental health issues and has lived her life from crisis to crisis since our dad left her in 1989. Always terrible with money, unhealthy relationships and quitting jobs and moving from place to place when the going got tough. She was in independent senior housing for the past 2 years. The last time I saw her was over Thanksgiving in 2019.
I had been paying her rent the past couple of years. She only has Social Security (no assets, all debt) and was "forgetting" to pay so I did it because I was worried she would get evicted. We engaged a geriatric care manager because we were hearing worrying signs (memory loss, increased financial mismanagement - car repossession attempts, etc.).
They built enough trust to get her to her doctor's - primary, cardiologist, neurologist. She was diagnosed with moderate dementia/Alzheimer's. Not vascular. Between the care managers, and her friend in her building who was attempting to care for her, we were hearing more and more disturbing information. Driving on expired license and insurance, eating out during COVID, going to payday lenders, wandering her building at night, open food and bugs in her cabinets. She would call us and complain constantly about her building - there were bugs, the property manager was running "drugs and prostitutes," etc.
So we made the decision to move her to assisted living. She was excited at first for her new home. She signed over DPOA to my sister and I. Let us take over the finances (THOUSANDS in debt). Made it through quarantine and then immediately started trying to escape/walk out the door demanding her car (which we had repossessed - she owed thousands in back payments). They are locked down due to COVID, but she just doesn't get it or accept that she can't leave.
The decision was made to move her to memory care in AL. She does not believe she belongs there. She does not believe there is anything wrong with her. She thinks she can still get a job (she was a counselor) and drive. She is in total denial of her finances, etc. The past couple of weekends she has been texting and calling my sister constantly. Basically, "they are just trying to get my money," "I will shut them down," "Call the lawyer!" "I will call the policeman!" etc. The administrator says she is no trouble, this is all normal, etc.
I called her with my daughter last week and was able to redirect her, but my sister is terrified to call and the facility said, in person outdoor visit not a good idea during this adjustment phase. I have sent flowers and cards as well. Between the guilt and resentment and more guilt and worrying that we made the wrong call, the stress of all of this has been intense. I think about it all the time. Dream about it. Worry we did something wrong, even though all the professionals say we did the right thing. Would love to know how anyone in a similar situation managed through this "adjustment period," and what if she doesn't adjust? We have no Plan B and are spending our own money for her to be there. Sorry for such a long post!
I can’t remember whether I first suggested a cognitive eval be done by the MC staff psychiatrist or the staff suggested it, but it revealed that within her social shell of apparent normalcy, there was a tangle of dementia confusion that terrified her (she DID know that she was losing her memory and ability to live independently), and was forcing her to battle constantly to appear and sound “normal”.
It took a relatively long time, maybe 6 months or more, but ultimately the attempts to escape stopped and until the pandemic, she lived in relative comfort.
Your LO’s administrator is telling you the absolute truth. I lived the guilt, the sleepless nights, the anxious twisting of her lips and wringing her hands. She IS better off, especially now with the pandemic, to allow the MC staff to become her allies, and YOU DID NOTHING WRONG.
You and your family made an INCREDIBLY PAINFUL and DIFFICULT decision, based on your love for her and your desire to keep her safe and well cared for and as comfortable as possible. In her case, the BEST decision wasn’t a very happy one for anyone, but STILL, the best one you had access to.
Contact her less, don’t respond every time she contacts you, ease off. For MY LO, I suggested to the MC staff that if LO became agitated, she could call me. I’m her last relative within a thousand miles, and I was able to soothe her, fib to her if I had to, and tell her I’d be around if she needed anything, familiar innocuous stuff that was always a part of conversation when she was well.
For yourselves, start regarding HER TALK as a product of her diminishing cognitive level. She can’t co trol it and it’s not based on reality.
We’re all part of a big supportive “family” when we begin caring for someone who has dementia. As sorry as we are to join the family, it’s a place where you can always feel at peace. We’ve been there, and we know.
your response was so thoughtful, supportive and encouraging. I’m receiving that for myself as MIL soon moving to AL
Mom is now in a safe place getting 24/7 care. You can do no more. Her brain is dying little by little. You just need to go with the flow. It may take time for her to adjust. Just tell her little fibs. Needs to be there until she gets better. Which she won't. She won't understand you live far away and have responsibilities to ur own family. Which u do and ur family is priority. She probably can no longer reason or process. They canmot show empathy, they get selfcentered. Again, you have done well no one can expect more.
Limit calls to one in the a.m. and one in the p.m. and ignore all others. Your Sister and I can divide the duty, so one call each each day. You Mother is suffering from both dementia and underlying mental health disorders. You should not be spending your own money for your Mother's care now, no matter she stays in quite so nice a place or not, unless you are independently wealthy.
You should be saving for your own care needs in future.
I cannot imagine how trying this is. You need better boundaries or you and your sister will end destitute in your own years of need, and harassed to death meantime. I am so sorry for all you are going through.
Meanwhile you might want to block the number your mom's calling from and call her at YOUR convenience.
If she doesn't settle down in a month, she may need a consultation with a psychiatrist who handles Alzheimer's patients as well as those with mental illness. She/He can prescribe medications to help your mom to relax a little more.
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