I am safe in an assisted living respite facility for 20 days after having fractures from osteoporosis (and after my husband became physically abusive). He really doesn’t seem to understand the crisis we are in. I finally get this. My husband is home alone & I am so worried but I also need to stay safe. His diagnosis is Mild cognitive disorder but has close family members with Alzheimer's & his Mother died from it too.
I am beginning to walk again with a walker. He is unaware how much he has deteriorated & refuses my recommendations but will get retested for his memory in 3 months. There is no family to help because they too are older & live too far away. Sadly, my only living son who also doesn’t live near seems to be in denial & says he isn’t available even for an emergency. It is hard to explain to anyone what home life is like as he has become more abusive since his short term memory began to worsen 4 years ago. He can be very kind but became physically abusive after I had a surgery 2 months ago. I am so alone to try to plan the future.
I need to sell the house but he will “never” go to one of those places (assisted or memory care). I have been married for 57 years & love him & want to take care of him but now I know I have to care for my physical safety. The emotional abuse I am enduring is also heartbreaking. I have a strong faith & have not given up on hope.
I would appreciate any conversation. I am in a crisis & feel all alone but I have faith that it will work out. I am so sad.
Do the police know he attacked you? Does social services (APS) know? Please don't go back there while he's still there. I think you see that you cannot realistically "take care" of him and protect yourself at the same time.
Do you have Power of Attorney for your husband? If so and he now has a diagnosis of "cognitive disorder" you probably have active authority to have him transitioned to MC. Check the wording in the document to see when it is active.
If you are a member of church is there someone in the congregation who can help you navigate next steps? Please call any church in your area and ask if they have a Care Ministry (you don't have to be a member or even belong to that denomination or religion).
At the very least please call social services to help you through this. If you do not have PoA for your husband APS for your county can help you move forward to problem solve this, so please contact them and get yourself on their radar.
Waiting 3 months for his next retest is too far into the future in your situation. Please contact his doctor and inform him/her of this incident. It seems like this is more than "mild cognitive impairment" and it's very important that his medical team knows this. A different diagnosis may speed up the process for getting both of you the right help and protection. May you receive peace in your heart and many hands and minds to help you walk this journey.
If so, that's not just "aggression" and "verbal abuse". That's assault.
Your husband sounds dangerous! I would seriously take the time while you're in the respite facility and speak to the social worker on staff and have them help you either 1) find a safe place to live without your husband or 2) find placement for your violent husband in a facility that can handle him.
Loving your husband isn't going to be enough to keep yourself from getting injured - or worse - again. If he's already broken bones, what will be next?
Please, for your own safety, find different living arrangements for one of you!
An 80 year old hard-of-hearing doctor needs to retire and is no longer qualified to treat your husband or anybody else.
You cannot wait for 'an appointment' 3 weeks down the road but need to treat this entire matter like the emergency it is.
Broken bones from an enraged and demented husband is a very serious matter.
You are indeed 'alone' in this matter, even when God is with you, if your son is unwilling to help you and wants no part in this dilemma, even in the case of an emergency. And if you have no friends or other family willing to help you. What constitutes 'alone' then, if not the situation you are currently in???????? God helps those who help themselves and you cannot rely on Him to stop your husband from acting out and hurting you again! Sorry, but that's the truth.
Call an Elder Care attorney immediately to see how to proceed with this entire situation, to keep yourself safe and to not leave yourself penniless in the process.
Wishing you the best of luck with a very difficult situation.
And maybe the way God is helping the OP is by delivering her to this safe place and giving her the opportunity to connect with the resources she needs for herself AND her husband.
Sometimes God puts the tools into our hands; it's on us to be proactive and learn how to use them.
I hope you will see an attorney who specializes in elder care. If you don't have one, the county bar association can recommend someone.
My heart goes out to you in this very difficult time. Many ((HUGS))
1 - notifying appropriate authorities that your husband needs care now
2 - placing your husband into care that meets his needs
3 - helping you plan your "next steps" after your recovery
Dementia or not, no one should endure an abusive relationship or environment.
You also need too talk to a lawyer well versed in Medicaid. You do not need to lose ur home to pay for his care. Your assets will be looked at and can be split. Your husbands half being spent down and then applying for Medicaid. You stay in the house and have a car. You will get enough or all of your monthly income to live on. You will not be made impoverished.
You should call APS for no other reason than to do a well check on ur husband. See if where ur has a Social Worker you can talk to.
"I am in my 70’s & am overwhelmed at times trying to be the head of the household. I’ve been married over 55 years. My spouse has become very angry & has a family history of Alzheimer’s. It seemed he had Lewy bodies or frontotemporal dementia but no diagnosis confirmed this. Anyway, I want to stay at home with him for a few more years. I have mobility problems from severe spinal stenosis but coping & independent. Getting older is a challenge itself; one of our children recently died. Faith keeps me from falling. My husband has hearing & understanding problems. A conversation is difficult because of his inability to move forward in the conversation. He can not tolerate a feeling of doing something wrong. He has anxiety, occasional rage, & hearing difficulties. He thinks he is making decisions for things but I am the one making & doing what is needed for a home & planning trips etc. I just never know whether he is going to be his old self or become enraged or shut down. He can be smart one minute & then seems unable to catch-on in his thinking the next minute."
The OP lives in Lake Ridge, VA -- for anyone who would like to help by researching resources and options for this sweet lady!
It is possible that you might have to become his Guardian. (I know odd and complicated but that is what I had to do)
PLEASE consult with an Elder Care Attorney to determine what your next steps are.
If he has an official diagnosis of dementia he may not have the ability legal or otherwise to decide if he goes to "one of those places" . The move would be for his safety and more importantly your safety.
Due to the violence he may have to see a geriatric psychologist.
(best case scenario would have been to have him transported to the hospital for evaluation when he injured you but I am sure that was the last thing on your mind)
He needs to be medicated. For his safety as well as yours and others. This is very important though...
The type of dementia is important LBD patients can not be put on some of the medications typically used so an accurate diagnosis it important.
Does he have an "official" diagnosis or just Mild Cognitive Impairment"?
Some forms of dementia appear more prone to violence than others but that is a generalization and unfortunately with dementia it is not good to generalize. (LBD is one of the types that can be more prone to violence) There is no "normal, or typical" each person is unique.
Do you plan on staying in the AL or would a move to Independent Living or condo/apartment be more in your future?
(my thought is as you are recovering from both surgery and abuse Assisted Living might be the place to be for now, until you feel confident in your physical and emotional self)
Please do not try to face this alone. There are Women's Shelters and they could be of great help emotionally, legally (many have lawyers that consult)
The AL facility where you are now would have a Social Worker on staff you can also set up an appointment with her/him to help you sort thorough some of this.
I truly wish I could reach out and give you a big hug right now because this...((HUGS)) does not seem enough.
1. my husband became physically abusive
2. He really doesn’t seem to understand the crisis we are in.
3. I am so worried but I also need to stay safe.
4. He is unaware how much he has deteriorated
5. There is no family to help
6. my only living son...seems to be in denial
7. he has become more abusive
8. his short term memory began to worsen 4 years ago
9. I have to care for my physical safety.
10. I am in a crisis
First thing miss joyful-this is a good place to complain. We have been there.
Second, but more importantly, you need some professional help. By this I mean someone trained to deal with dementia. You/he need memory care. I don't care what you do to "trick" him into going. We call them theraputic fibs. Look on this site for examples
Please come to this reality-his mental ability is going or is gone. He is not the person you knew years ago. His empathy, his sense of kindness, his tenderness are all gone or gone most of the time.
If you need POA and don't have it, there are threads on how to get him to make you POA as well.
Start NOW.
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