Today I sent this text to our 26 year old Granddaughter.
Update from here.......we are still alive! Yesterday after your Mom called, to wish her Dad a Happy 87th Birthday, your Grandpa asked me if she had any children. I said yes, a daughter. He said, “Oh a daughter, how old is she?” I said almost 27. He then asked, “Where does she live?” I said Texas. He then asked, “Does she ever call us?” My answer, No. You see this is what is called the Alzheimers puzzle. He tries to put things together, asks the same questions over and over again. He loves to get phone calls. I can tell he feels the love as he smiles and laughs with them. One of the Birthday calls he got yesterday was from a childhood buddy. His friend told him about the snow he had just plowed and they laughed, because his friend calls every month or so he somewhat remembers him. Not easy to see this brain robbing disease take my dear sweet wonderful husband from me and his ability to do almost anything for himself, but what hurts even more is when others already think he/we are dead. ❤️
You make a weekly call to them to say hello and ask what's going on in their lives.
If she calls you as a result of this text, how do you think the conversation is going to go? Do you think it’s going to be a happy, loving conversation? It’s not. You have made it clear the this is going to be an unpleasant experience. You’ve made talking to you an obligation and a burden, and you’re going to be treated like one.
Is this the first time you’ve talked to your granddaughter like this? I bet it’s not. I also can tell you it’s at least one reason you don’t hear from her.
You could have texted her that you and your husband would love to hear from her and catch up on what she’s doing. You could have explained that while his memory and personality are not what they once were, a call would lift his spirits and be worthwhile to have. Then you could have had a nice chat (provided you didn’t berate and guilt her more, or focus the conversation around your aches and pains and misery) that she would want to repeat in the future, and then she’d call you of her own accord.
You didn’t really ask a question, but I hope it was that you hadn’t sent this text yet and wanted to know if you should. The answer is NO.
How about a text like like “Hi, honey. How are you doing? Your granddad and I were just talking about you today. I’ll try to give you a call next time he’s having a good day. Take care of yourself and keep safe. We love you!”
As adults they decided that they didnt have room in their lives for someone lied about them to make himself seem important but was toxic to them on the regular. (This is a very condensed version of his grandparenthood). Needless to say they are completely justified. If it was just 1 of them I could see it. being either of them that is the problem. But ALL of his grands avoid him. So its pretty clear where the problem is.
Guilt is a potent and very negative way to get what you want. Guilt as a means of having a relationship is toxic.
As others said, the phone works both ways. You could dial for him and let them talk. And maybe in your case texting isn't a viable option but my girls text their 94 year old GREAT grandmother all of the time and she responds and loves it! Sometimes it is about meeting people where they live. I'd be curious as to how conversations go when everyone does talk?
I think they just don't want to acknowledge what is happening because it makes them so uncomfortable.
May be the best thing is to accept it, pray for them, and move on.
Maybe ask her parents to be like my mom and give their daughter a judge when calls should be made?
There are many seniors here from England that would love to read this and I am sharing it with them.
Make life as warm and stimulating as you can for your husband each day. He will enjoy happy moments as they come. Don't waste time lamenting moments that do not come.
Just get on with your life without them. It hurts at first but it is best.
I hope maybe she can find some compassion for her grandfather and that your action did not destroy your relationship with her. Maybe she is establishing boundaries to not get trapped in your demanding and manipulative web. Perhaps you need to find a support group.
When I was around 20 I went to a big all day concert on my grandmother's birthday. We left early and got home late. I called her the next day to wish her a happy birthday and she let loose on me with the venom of a 1000 cobras. Do you think that made me want to call her more often?
Did you call your granddaughter on her birthday? Were you close in the past?
Do you take an interest in her life when you do speak? Calling my grandmother...back in the 1980s & 1990s was a chore because all she wanted to do was quilt trip you for every wrong in her life. I made a special trip to see her to announce my engagement. She spent the rest of the day complaining that my father didn't say anything to her when she spoke on the phone with him earlier that day. I realized that I needed to stop wasting my time trying to make her happy because it was an impossible task.
Previous generations fell for the guilt-tripping but I think the younger generation is a bit smarter in that respect.
I think that if there wasn't previously a close relationship between him and your granddaughter, it sort of makes sense to me, from experience. I think, let's not spread any more judgment, guilt or resentment. There's far too much of it already in our lives as caretakers. It's so lovely that your dad's childhood friend stays in touch.
Blessings to you. I will pray for you daily.
Keep calling! Keep loving him.
around soon.
My other daughter and son-in-law married at 35 plus, and had a child much later than the first. Daughter is a lot more caring, and happy to talk about child psychology, current issues etc. Son-in-law treats me (and DH2) as an adult, full range of interesting conversations. Daughter then joins in with her ideas.
I think that when young people have pigeon-holed you as old, past it, out of touch, and all the rest of it, it is quite difficult to break each of you out of the mold. I’m sure that there is good advice in all the posts here, but my guess is that it isn't all your fault. Yours, Margaret
PS Sorry about the mixed metaphors, I just got flumoxed by US spelling of 'mould'.
Another adult child does not. I have suggested sending cards with pictures of her kids, quick visits alone or a short phone call. I have a mom 84 and my husbands aunt 92 ( helped me raise my kids) who are neglected by this adult child. I have even offered to meet her for a visit if she felt uncomfortable.
Very frustrating and she lives close to both elders!
I am praying her heart will feel the desire to visit.