Friends help and private care is outrageous. I'm a newbie to caregiving for my mother. Folks tell me to take care of myself and I just laugh. I love my mom but sometimes I think I've gotten way over my head. Not only is she dealing with short term memory issues but she's a diabetic as well. My doc wants me to start anxiety/antidepressant meds. I just keep looking at the bottle. Not sure what I'm asking right now but I just don't like how I feel.
Good luck.
How old is your mom? Is placing your mom in a facility out of the question? (quite possible through Medicaid if there's no money). Then you could visit her there, while having day-to-day help.
I was alone in caring for both my parents, and they were in facility (!), and still I was often overwhelmed caring for them and their affairs.
I look at this time just as a "chapter" of my life, not the whole tamale (I have learned so much!)
I also focus on staying in the moment, and just doing what needs to be done.
After dad goes (mom left over a year ago now), I will resume my life, and feel good about my service to my parents. After all, I wouldn't have any life if it weren't for them caring for me those first 18 years....
As far as anti-depressants, I would go the natural health food store route...
Try stress-relief Yogi tea or kava-kava tincture or St. John's Wort or Lavender oil pills.
All the best to you and your Mom
I was dating a half way decent guy when I brought dad to the city where I lived, and he did his best to help out, but between my inability to go out like we used to and my completely crabby attitude, the relationship ended. Besides, Dad made it clear that HE wanted to be the only man in my life.
.
I thought I had met a prince charming last year. He immediately jumped in and helped with Dad -- even volunteered -- but it soon became clear it was his plan to "reel me in". He became verbally abusive and within months, I didn't even recognize myself. That relationship didn't end well, and I think I made such a bad choice out of sheer desperation.
So now, I just DON'T DATE. I don't have the energy. I'm angry, bitter and resentful. I've gained 25 pounds since caregiving. I don't fix myself up. Every day I exist. I don't live. DON'T BE LIKE ME!!!!
Vent here! This forum is AWESOME!!!! Like others have said, don't give up your life for the sake of your parent. Even if you have a wonderful relationship with your parent, caregiving will take it's toll. Take time for you. Don't let guilt / fear turn into resentment.
I also was reluctant to go on "happy pills" so I found a naturopathic doctor that gave me some holistic alternatives. To my surprise, taking more time to do something I enjoy (returning to the gym) has helped tremendously, and "giving myself grace" though ongoing has provided some peace.
It's OK to think of yourself and LOVE YOU!!!! I wish I would have done it.
Hugs to you!!
When my husband was discharged recently after 3 months in rehab, I met with the social worker at the facility. They did everything they could to get us as much help as they could. For the time being, he has an hour of therapy 3 times a week. I've been offered a healthcare/bath aide who will bathe him and even change his bed. We also have a visiting nurse once a week. This is all taken care of by Medicare.
Connect to the Internet and check out what help is available to you. Start with Medicare and your local Area on Aging. You can also dial 211 which will connect you to United Way for help.
We just had a discussion on this site about when people say "take care of yourself,too!" We know which people really mean it and care about us. They mean well. Good luck to you.
It's your social life I am more concerned with - I have none, but I am married. I can remember when I had no social life before I was 25 and that hurts. Possibly a local church has some kind of programs? Like a senior daycare program? I live in "podunk county" and there is nothing within reasonable range but I pray you can find something so you can have a few hours off daily.
If your experience is like mine, you spend a lot of time gas lighting yourself. You wonder if you're crazy. You get mad, but then remember you can't get mad because the person you're caring for can't help themselves. I mean come on, their physical brain is deteriorating right? How can you be mad? Then you get physically tired. Stressed, that you can't remember which medication is which or if you're doing a good job or what a good job even is.
You do the best you can do. Your friends might be saying it out of having nothing else to say, but they're right that you need to take care of yourself. Find something that lets you focus on the moment. Exercise. Run harder than you ever have. Swim, my personal favorite. Meditate. Yoga. Whatever. You *need* to find things that give you some kind of life. Make friends at a bar.
If you feel like you're at your limit, do what you need to. If people judge you for it, you can ask them where they were when you needed help. Which will leave yourself, as the only person left to judge you.
I encourage you to try walking, it can do wonders. Also, do your best to eat better. I fully believe we are what we eat, scarfing down unhealthy stuff just adds to the depression, sadness and frustration. And, keep up with your appointments. I constantly hear, and its true, you can't care for someone else when you're not caring for yourself. Cliche, yes; True? Absolutely.
And for those who mention not feeling able to physically go to a caregiver group, after searching in my area I found one for dementia caregivers that has a weekly conference call (no leaving the house!) and they are working on getting video conferencing so folks can feel like they are in the room. Resources are there, we unfortunately have to really look for them (took me over a month to find the conference call group).
Finally, this forum has been so helpful to me. I'm not on everyday, but when I get notifications of interesting topics or, when I need information, there is a wealth here. Good Luck MsElaine, if nothing else the responses to your post show you are not alone. I hope you find some relief in knowing the forum is here and can support you.
This is probably going to be the most challenging ordeal that you ever experience. At least is for me, personally. I moved away from my hometown 40 years ago and when my mom started having memory issues, my brother was there to help her. Unfortunately, my brother passed away 11 years ago and that left his wife to take care of her. A few years ago my mom fell and broke her wrist and ankle so she had to spend time in rehab. I took a leave of absence from work and came back to my home town to take care of my mom (my SIL was of some help, but not enough). I finally decided to take my mom home with me to VA and she stayed for 2 months before she started bugging me to go home.
I brought her home and stayed for a couple of weeks but then had to return to VA and my SIL told me she would take very good care of my mom. Well, after a couple of years, she started calling me every week (after my mom's condition worsened) and told me that I had to come back because she just couldn't take care of mom anymore. She had issues of her own, which I won't mention, but she borrowed a lot of money from my mom and has never paid it back. I put her off because I was pretty close to early retirement. I couldn't believe half of the stories that my SIL told about Mom! And what really got me going was the way she treated my mom. I called my mom every week and one time I heard my SIL in the back round, screaming at my mom. She told her that she had better straighten up, or I would put her in a nursing home!
A month after I was eligible for early retirement with SS benefits, I moved back home to take over my mom's care. My SIL would come over to "help" but ended up doing almost nothing but drink and get ornery with both of us. We were bickering all the time because she would tell my mom that I wasn't doing enough for her "like she was" and that I would probably put her into a home. What hog wash.
To make a long story even longer, my SIL had a slight stroke, and ended up moving to a different city to live with her son, and I haven't heard a word from her in two years.
Anyway, I am now my mom's sole caregiver and as her dementia increases my health decreases. I pay a private person to come into mom's home for lunch, but now it isn't enough so I am looking for another person to come in. My mom doesn't qualify for Medicaid and Medicare won't pay anything unless mom is physically disabled. I took mom took the doctor recently to try to rule out a UTI (she started acting even more bizarre) and she didn't have one. The doctor took one look at me and told me that it was time to start looking for a memory care unit for mom. I had kept a running journal of observations I had made on mom, which helped the doctor. Now I am working with a lawyer to try and protect some of my mom's assets and I am in the process of completing the admissions/financial forms so that I can get mom the help she needs and deserves. Do I feel overwhelmed, saddened, and angry? The answer is a definite yes. My friends have all stuck by me and I don't know what I'd do without them. I am on an anti-depressant that helps me some, but the doctor won't put me on anxiety meds because the "system" doesn't believe in them. The only time I can go out at night is when I can talk one of mom's friends into taking care of her (he's really good about it, but I hate to bother him too much) or if I go over to mom's and give her dinner before I go out. It puts a great strain on me but my friends seem to understand. The only other thing that keeps me going is that the company I worked for in VA has let me stay on PT to do things online from home.
I know that I have rambled on and on, but it helps me to write all this stuff out. I am very grateful that I found this site because of all the folks on this forum totally know what I (and you) are going through. Don't be afraid to keep venting on this site. No one will judge you. Hang in there and know that everyone on this site is pulling for you!