How do single people manage the caregiver role? I feel overwhelmed and angry.

I just keep trying to not lose my sh*t with dad or my sibs. I'm not doing ok. Sick of hearing " you need a break". Well no sh*t I do. Are you gonna take him? No,i didn't think so. This is not how I want to live. If you can call this living.

Being a single caregiver is definitely hard. Please remember that TAKING CARE OF YOURSELF IS AS IMPORTANT AS THE CAREGIVER ROLE. Start by giving yourself permission to needing a break. There are Adult Day Care Centers. Much like the preschool idea only for adults that need care. Some Assisted/Independent living facilities offer week long (can be longer) spaces for your loved one so you can take a few days for yourself. Look into this. I found that the best thing I did for myself was finding a Psychologist (one who deals with caregivers) to talk to. This has helped as I began to feel anxious and unable to be calm dealing with Mom. Prayers and blessings - you are not alone!

..... to end my comment to you lotsofkittycats lady; even one more added ounce of guilt is the last thing any of us need on here. Don't you think most of us are already riddled with the intense guilt and that's why we are doing what we do.   Guilt, in the form of this "if we stop doing it, the one we're caring for may not receive the quality care we are providing. (Which is somthing we all need to come to terms and weigh the price of that decision to either continue, or end it, and to do so for rational reasons not guilt...  that decision is powerfully to each its own, and no added guilt should be thrown our way from any other individual .... period.)

... To lotsakittycats ..... try not to be too offended when reading disagreements against your comments, not when you yourself were trying to hard to demand that others support your opinion about how others need to respect their parents for raising them & clearly implying if not straight up stating how everyone needs to do the work under that same opinion. ...... 

First of all, assuming on your part is probably not a good deal if you're trying to reach many. For instance, some parents haven't raised their caregivers, and perhaps some parents have been far less than 'parentally wonderful" over the years... regardless,  you should be a bit more careful and try not to place guilt upon others of whom you don't know their family dynamics. 

Point being, attempting to place guilt when you really know nothing of these viewers, that's when you may see a little back lash. And placing "blessings and god bless" at the end of every comment doesn't make your assumed intentions and guilt attempts any "nicer nor any easier to read. Perhaps relax a bit, and understand you may have to take some Heat if you've dished out some very contraversial opinions/assumptions.

WOW! Surprised at such ANGER AND TOTAL DISRESPECT! And, YES, for your information, I AM the 24/7 caregiver for my Mom! How DARE YOU speak to me, OR anyone else for that matter, in such an angry, disrespectful and borderline psycho manner! Definitely done with THIS thread!
God bless you all and may you find peace and, more so, CIVILITY.....

.. you go girl Kimber166.. strait talk ... I totally dig it.. need more of it on here

I can certainly relate to what you're going through. However, from my perspective, I wish I had never been put on an anti-depressant. Anti-depressants are still fairly new drugs and we don't know the long-term side effects of them at this point.

At any rate, the anti-depressant caused Cervical Dystonia in me and I was then put on Klonopin to relieve the muscle tension and pain. I didn't know that Klonopin was addictive and the drug nearly killed me. It took me 5 1/2 years to come off Klonopin. I am now on SS Disability and still have to care for my folks. Wish I had never tried any anti-depressants (as they ALL caused major side effects in me). I wished I had exercised, etc. instead of trying a pill. Anti-depressants may temporarily relieve anxiety but can cause other problems as well.

At any rate, that's my experience, so I just wanted to share it.

(By the way, is there a church that you are a member of? If so, perhaps some members could help out).

I wish you the best ...

My son weighed 8 pounds and grew to 20 pounds the two and a half years he was in diapers. He walked after 12 months. He can dress himself and feed himself. He never gave me a black eye when i tried to change his diapers.

My dad is 200 pounds and has been in diapers for five years and counting -he is still physically strong. He cannot move himself to the toilet, or to dress himself, or to get up from a fall. He has given me a black eye, need for stitches, and a mild concussion fighting me because he outweighs me by 30%.

I could wear a baby sling and take my son grocery shopping, or out for a walk, or to a museum or coffee with friends. My dad cannot move and cannot be left alone.

How is caregiving at all like taking care of a child? Don't give us that load of crap. If care-giving 24/7 is killing or exhausting the caregiver - or they don't have a life or are depressed, or just want the h*ll out, there is no shame in getting the parent to a place where they can be taken care of.

... in all due respect, kindly don't give us the over rehearsed crapola of "your parents did this and that for you"... number one, not one of us had a choice of being born to this earth, and if! a parent took care of a child they created they get no badge or right of life long slavery from said child simply for being human who fed and clothed a child they created. So get this straight ...if an adult parent becomes elderly and frail in need of assistance and they cannot afford to hire the care they themselves need, that responsibility is not "a child must do" to pay back for having life. 

You cannot sit there and type that crap and expect applause on a site that's created to help others on a realistic level. That's like saying my children are responsible for me when I would never do to them what my mothers care has done to me. Never, do you understand "lots of cat lady?" Or what ever your name is. Clearly you are either oddly confused or are not caring for a parent 24/7. Either way,  by what you've said, you are not experiencing (in the realm of actual reality) as many of us are. 

Thank you for the wise advise, Invisible! I'm certainly going to try that! Bless you and everyone who's taking care of a parent WHO RAISED YOU from diapers, nursing or bottle feeding, to adulthood!!!

Please! Don't EVER forget the sacrifices BOTH of your parents made (whether you liked them or not) to take care of YOU when you weren't able to!

I am too a single sole caregiver. There is nobody to substitute for my situation. A couple of years ago, I developed a kidney stone. I did not know what it was; except for the constant pain. I tried to get my senior into bed, so I could go to the ER by myself. He refused. The pain was becoming more unbearable and I called 911. I explained that there was no one to take care of my senior. He had to come with me. The paramedics said that they could only take one person in one ambulance. They assured me that they would take care of him some way. I went to the ER with the first ambulance. The paramedics later brought my senior there to the same ER. After an MRI and medication I was released and we both went home 1 am in the morning during the coldest day of the year. The hospital charged us both as patients. After a few months of bill appeals, most of his charges were dismissed. Not sure what I will do if  this happens again.

Well said "tired 1 of 4". I may end up broke but having my spouse in a safe place lets me get some sleep and enjoy some peace of mind in my old age. I did not ask my children if that would be OK but was very proud of them for supporting my decision. Taking care of my mother years ago was exhausting and costly in so many ways.

... I know many on here constantly say "you're doing the right thing" and "you'll get reward later".... first of all, the right thing has never made the actual act easier, less painful, nor somehow magically a sweet lite smiling task. Many decisions in life are made by the reasoning that "it's the right thing" ..when in fact even placing a parent in a facility could be "the right thing" ... there's so many d*mn variables between moral acts/decisions and rational acts/ decisions and allot of the times it's a twisted confusing blend of both. Most who are taking on the sole care of an adult elder could probably admit that "that choice was never a "rational decision when looked at from an outside view.

Straight up; You have one (sometimes two) elders at the ending years of their life, and that timeframe can last 2 to 20 years ... I said years. That care provided can be a very daunting care, even very gross care (at times,) and it's usually very mentally taxing care that's causing the care giver to be surrounded by both monotonous and then irrational environment if /when dementia, AH,& memory loss etc are existing. ...yeah the elder needs very real help, and yes their financial status dictates what and how that "help is acquired and by whom it's offered. ...but what's really happening is 9 times out of 10 you have the forgotten entity, the care-giver who has found themselves sucked into the task for what ever reason. Reason I'm even reiterating all this, is its those caregivers who need to make the very rational decisions and leave the morality out of it. They need to leave the "oh sweetheart you're a great daughter or son, you'll be rewarded later in life crap out of it because  I'm not talking about the care-givers who are in their late 60 and 70"s who enjoy the caregiving role and for what ever reason enjoy spending every waking moment with a degrading parent .. .. I'm talking about all the rest of us. 

This poster is not liking her true feelings, she admitted it to all of you on here... probably because she's being twisted in that dark moral and rational murk of a mess she's been thrown into. No one should advise her to take meds to get thru it and soldier on.. you all should be telling her to find another avenue to take to get other care for her parent so she's "NOT" stuck in the h*ll shes feeling right now. We as humans have feelings for a reason... it's to guide us thru life on this earth to live the life we have as fulfilling as we can ... need I remind all of you.. one life. So rational and practical truths are what we all should be discussing, not the other untouchable stuff. That type of thinking is why people stay in bad marriages for decades living off the few sweet memories but not looking at the reality of daily life... get real folks. So help her-rather than trying to convince her to stay in it. 

I'm also a widow taking care of a parent. I've been a caregiver to my dad for almost four years, in my home, with little help, no offers from anyone to take him to a doc appointment, or even sit with him so I could go out. It's hard, I lost my husband a year almost to the day when my dad got seriously ill. Dad is disabled, can't walk, has hearing problems, prostate cancer, heart disease, etc... I was already emotionally numb from losing my husband when dad moved in so where I was at was a little different from the general shock a lot of people go through when a parent moves in. As I've been coming out of the shock of widowhood, I've realized how little freedom I have or peace, I've done the best I can to make it manageable. I would first recommend having your own quiet space if you can find it in where you live, a room in the home you can go to and sit, read a book, light a candle, sleep, take a nap, whatever but where there's no sign of your parent, you can barely hear them, but can if needed. Next I've said it before, micromanage the caregiving schedule as much as possible so the parent is on a routine and keep them on that routine as much as possible, breakfast, lunch and dinner at the same time every day, obviously give them their meds same time every day, even manage the bathroom breaks same time every day. This helps you to line out your free time every day ahead of schedule and therefore make some kind of plans for yourself to get a break, take a nap, mow your yard, talk to a counselor, whatever you need. Next is never skip out on your own doc appointments, exercise and eat healthy. Reading helps too, getting yourself lost in a good book away from reality is a good thing sometimes, and lastly know that what you are doing is a good thing, and that nothing lasts forever either, caregiving lingers on, but it doesn't last forever and in the end, you'll know you did the right thing.

Lotsokittycats: Standard dementia technique is validate and then distract. Perhaps you could tell your mother a little lie about cutting down the trees, such as you are waiting for the right season or the tree person is busy right now, etc. Then change the subject. They do obsess about stuff.

I'm another single woman who takes care of my 91 year old Mom and I have no regrets. I guess some people are cut out to be a caregiver and some are not.

Before my Mom moved in with me she was living with my older brother who was verbally abusing her and that broke my heart. I drove long distance to keep visiting my Mom, put her house up for sale, had to get my brother out and moved my Mom long distance to live with me.

I have peace of mind because in my heart I know I am doing the right thing. Again, caregiving is not for everyone, many just can't handle it and I understand that.

I was planning for my Mom to go to a local Senior Citizen place where they have activities but that's on hold for now until her hip mends. I have friends that come over as well as a boyfriend. So at least I have some outlets that give me joy.

Use this forum to vent as this forum has been such a great help to me from handling my brother's abuse in the past to advice on how I should care for my Mom currently.

I wonder where in the world some folks on this site are finding inexpensive services! I understand the veterans get much paid for but a daycare for $60/year? It costs that for a day around here. What's your secret?

Please, don't take meds unless there is absolutely no alternative. They all have side-effects. Do yoga, go for walks when you can, read, watch a movie, listen to music and drink camomile tea if you are particularly stressed out.

I too am single, and, while I have sisters, they have done nothing but harass and bully my mother since my father died, fighting over my dad's money (not that he had much and what's left after they took their share won't stretch far). It would be easier being an only child because we wouldn't have to deal with all their sh*t. My mother is in good health and I am not her carer, but she needs me emotionally. Her friends are great and I encourage her to spend as much time with them as she can, but she still needs a lot more of my time than she did when Dad was alive. Also, if I live long enough and stay well, I could be her physical carer in the future. She gave me Enduring Power of Attorney so we won't have to involve my sisters or even inform them if she is incapacitated. We are planning ahead because we know what it's like looking after a sick person (my father was very sick and my mother was his main carer, while I helped out). Being single in theory means you have more time, but you are expected to use up that free time to do more, and you have no family support. My advice, which you probably already have heard many times but is still worth hearing again, is to take time out for yourself at least once a day (even if it's just ten minutes), fit exercise into your routine and keep in touch with friends. It's so easy to lose contact. I should add: I joined this forum when Dad was alive because he needed round-the-clock care, and I was afraid Mam would get sick if she had to do it all on her own, so I helped her care for him. I thought I would end up as the carer for both of my parents (and it was overwhelming, but at the same time an honour that they trusted me to care for them), so I searched for help online and found this brilliant forum. It's heartbreaking to read some of your stories, but comforting to know that we're all in this together.

I feel for you, I am single, still work full time, and moved to Florida to become a caregiver for my mother with dementia and other health issues. Definitely fell in over my head. I found counselling, and an in person (live) support group that has been a life changer.
I am fortunate, in that we ( my brothers and I ) were able to move Mom to a memory care unit where she doesn't fight with the care staff to take her meds ( she battled with me, is very pleasant with others). and they keep her social and active, Have you contacted your/her county's office of the aging to see if services are available for her? Before my mom rapidly declined, we sent her to senior day care where she palyed bridge, had lunch, and participated in classes, all for about $60 for the year. There was a bus that picked her up in the morning and brought her back in the afternoon, all for a nominal charge.
Stay connected and keep reaching out.

... I've been reading where some are saying to you to "keep ahold of your dreams" and "don't give up hope" .."take the meds", etc, etc etc .... these ones saying this have been doing the very thing you know inside is not for you...they have been doing it for years....... years. And For what. .... For guilt? For safety? For what-ever reasons .. many are stuck doing something that is holding them prisoner. 

So what is it?.. we're born on this earth to just age then to care for another who's aged? Our culture hasn't been "conditioned to take care of elders not mentally and not financially. In the United States you are conditioned since day one of school to become independent of your parental influence and to become money earners and tax payers, we are not trained to stop all life at a certain age and to now live your life a slave to another. I'm not saying the cultures that are "trained to do so have the answers either.

In our time and day, in order for aging to be a safe and secure experience, regardless the age related diseases associated ... in our time and day, for aging to be respected, to be not a burden for not only the elder themselves, but for anyone involved in that elders life many things need to change. If we expect things to become better, our "country will need to first begin to see "the need" long before the need arises.. and right now this country does not "plan for elder care.. it plans for retirement but not for dependent care. One start of many would be our country and each state needs to better regulate the aged industry entities to insure there are options or us all that provide for our elders (we will become an elder soon enough.) we should all be allowed to be safe and secure and cared for in the quality that the quantity our earned dollars have paid for. ...i.e.; taxes.

Right now, becoming elderly and needing help in the united states becomes a very risky position to be in. A position that puts either the elder and/or its direct family/family member in an extremely delicate and dangerous place. The farther away our country removes itself from the elder experience, the further in danger we all become.

When it comes to the point (as most of us on here have experienced) that there is no other choice but for one person to take 100% care of an elder to the point it can and does often destroys the care givers life, that when it's time to seriously change some things.. don't you think so.... I know so. And again, don't take meds to help you adjust to somthing you in your heart do not want to do... no meds in the world can lie to your inner self forever. Find another plan. 

You should definitely start taking the anti depression med.

I'll tell you right now, if you need meds to help hide the real pressure of what's happening to you, if you have take meds to convince yourself to take-on the care giver role... you need to 'not' do it. A few on here have said find another way to have her care provided, well personally, not knowing you from Adam, I don't need to know you in order to say don't do it, if at all possible don't take on the 24/7care.  

I'm telling you now, I'm a single parent and caring for my mom has destroyed not only my life in every single aspect, but has placed undue stresses and hardship on my kids .... and it sounds as you are already feeling the tug of war between guilt of caregiving and freedom of your life ... trust me, choose the freedom. If you don't choose your freedoms now, if you don't start planning for her care to be provided another way, then before you know it years will pass before your eyes and you'll be older, emotionally and physically & finacially worn out... you need to listen, deeply listen, you won't be able to live a free life if you take on the 24/7  care of your parent.

 Id seriously punch the doc who said "here take these" rather than "here's a list of ASsited living options and here's how you go forward with her care." 
Sounds weird to hear myself say this after what I just said to you, but I honestly don't recommend 99% of assisted living facilities, I don't... but there's a reason for that. I myself should have learned more and researched the facilities farrrrrr better so I never had to remove her from one for her safety (which is why she's with me now.)
What ever you do, if a facility is the answer, or hired live in care, etc learn about it but make it a plan in which leaves you to live your own life without limitations. What- ever yours or hers  financial situation is will very quickly dictate your choices.  I strongly suggest to do 'serious due-diligence' in every single aspect of the process of her care no matter what that care is, and if it's a facility, then check deep and hard into that facility,  and I'm talking go talk to the residents, read up on all reviews etc, so you're very prepared and very educated. 
Taking the time now to learn what the h*ll its all about (I'm talking the long, exhausting and often impossible road of responsibility of elders) ..taking the time now to learn as much as you can, makes all decisions now and in the future, far easier to deal with. ....
All I know is don't take meds to deal with it, the plain fact your soul is already uneasy is a pretty d*mn good indication this is not what you want inside. ... so, just learn a way that allows both keeping your freedom in tact while also keeping her safe ... and yes, finding a plan like that is possible. 

I've been taking care of my mother for what feels like eternity.

I have never been married. I grew up dreaming about having a wife, kids and all the things we could do together. I still feel dating is an option but only with someone can really relate because that type of persin is the only type that would understand. Plus it is hard to find because trying to find extra time is a challenge.

The last girl I dated was a clinical social worker with the military, who said she understood but I learned that wasn't the case. She wanted my mom to walk herself to places even like the grocery store that would have a 3 mile round trip before doing actual shopping. My mom cant carry much weight plus has a hard time walking and she often forgets what she was going to do or oven where she was going to go, before she gets to the other room! And she has other problems, some big some small that I'm not going to mention on here.

This girl i dated, had me at the point that I had lost all hope of anything in life and I turned to self medications aka alcohol. Yeah that didn't work.

The thing i found with precribed meds is that a lot of them can pull a person down to the point that they have a hard time concentrating. (Not saying that happens to everyone) 

It took some time but I found some natural things from a natural pathic pharmacy, which I'm taking. They're stronger than the basic common stuff and people respond differently to different things.

I agree you have to take care of yourself. A BIG thing for me was to NEVER give up hope or your dreams. And find something you can do as a mental vacation. I'm an artist, but don't get to do much, but I can do my art at home, plus i cam still keep an eye in things. That a mental break I use and it helps.

A lot of times I can't sleep due to stress, so I try to read.

The thing is to take things step by step and to find something that works for you for destressing and relaxing and try to find something that gives you a break, even if it's only for a few minutes and try to stay positive.

What we are doing is hard but it's worth it.

I know EXACTLY how you feel (unfortunately), MsElain! My Mom is also experiencing dementia as well as diabetes, and a slight heart condition and Iam the ONLY family member helping her at all! That being said, I'm having a VERY difficult time "picking my battles" and choosing what I should, or should not, argue with her about. Her latest thing (meaning the issue she's been obsessed with for the last several months or so) is having trees on her property cut down for NO obvious reason! She convinced my brother to cut down three perfectly healthy fruit trees (two different avocado strains, and a very healthy and quite prolific fig tree) which are now, thankfully, growing back but it will take YEARS before they'll start fruiting again. Today she approached me and told me that the three Palm trees next to the pool MUST be cut down! Couldn't give me an appropriate nor intelligent reason aside from her off the cuff reason that they were going to damage the wall! These have been there for decades (they're VERY slow growing palm trees) and there's absolutely NO evidence that they're causing any damage at all! Still, she's got this in her head and I simply had to say a RESOUNDING "NO" several times, and in a voice I don't ever care to use with her, to make my decision VERY CLEAR to her that this was simply NOT going to happen! Of course, afterwards, she tried to make me the BAD GUY, making self serving and self deprecating statements (usually under her breath but, of course, loud enough for me to hear) like, "I guess you should put me in a home", or, "just don't listen to me since it's obvious I've lost my mind", etc., ad nauseam!
It's very hard for me to have to decide what to argue about and what to let go of, so I'm working on this premise..... if the issue has anything to do with her safety or the welfare of the property, yes, I'll argue the point. If not, I try to avoid it or talk around it. It hasn't been easy and I'm sure it's going to take me some time to find time it but, for now, it's the only way I can survive on my own dealing with this.
Needless to say, it certainly doesn't help to have some people/enablers who listen to her or, worse, take her directions of what she wants to have done (even though I've REPEATEDLY told him/them NOT to do anything she requests/asks them to do!) but I'll just have to continue to work on that part and make SURE they know that NOTHING is to be done WITHOUT conferring with ME AND ME ALONE!!!
Good luck to you and, like I said at the very beginning, I definitely understand and I KNOW what you're going thru and how you're feeling!
By the way, insofar as the anti depressant issue, for your own well being and long term mental health, PLEASE think seriously about taking them! The road you're on, and the immense responsibilities you've had to take on, are MOST DEFINITELY going to take a toll on your own mental health and could possibly lead to physical manifestations! You're going to be of NO use to yourself, much less your Mom, if you're unable to keep your wits about you. Don't EVER think that, because you may need some mental health assistance, be it medication or a weekly therapist session, which I HIGHLY RECOMMEND,  PLEASE find yourself a local Caregivers Support Group so you can talk to others who've not only home through the very same thing you're going through but even newbies like yourself - they'll ALL be able to not only relate with you but will be able to give you real world experience and advice! You're going thru a CRUCIAL time, not only for your self but, ultimately, for your Mom who I'm certain you want to be there for! You MUST do whatever it takes to KEEP YOURSELF HEALTHY, BOTH PHYSICALLY AND EMOTIONALLY!
God Bless you and may He being you strength and perseverance! Michele

Know that you need to keep taking care of yourself during this stressful period of intensive caregiving. While taking care of my aging mom, my older sister fell sick and died unexpectedly, leaving me to pick up the burden. My mom is gone now, but I won't forget the lesson that my sister's death taught me: it's okay to set limits--physically, emotionally and financially--on what you can and cannot do for your loved one. And lastly, get whatever help you need whenever you need it.

I can relate to all the posts. My mother is 86 and has dementia and diabetes, I live at home with her and my father. I pretty much gave up my life to take care of my beautiful mother, she is my life and we are very close as most Italian sons are with their mothers. My mother does not have very many good days at all. I have two sisters, one that disowns her family and the other lives a few miles away and helps out now and then. My dad is not much help either because my mom tells him to get out and not touch her so he gives up and that makes me mad because I have to do all the work, I have to feed her breakfast, lunch and dinner along with giving her meds, clean her off, change her diaper, bed sheets and make sure she gets enough to drink to keep her hydrated. I have a very bad back and can not stand for long periods so it is very difficult for me to do this alone but I have to or it will not get done. Hospice does come but not enough and sometimes late or not at all, they are really not much help if you ask me. A nursing home is way too expensive. My doctor put me on wellbutrin because I am very depressed and stressed over this, it is so overwhelming. I know I should think more about my health but as I said, my mother means everything to me. It is a shame how our health care system is when so many people lose so much even their house in order to care for a loved one with dementia or other illness. I feel for each and every person who is caring for a parent with dementia because it will really hurt you down the road. I suggest asking your doctor for something for depression/stress and maybe talk to a therapist, a therapist is on my list of things to do. I wish everyone the best and do your best to help your parent after all they did raise and take care of us also so now it is our turn. Prayers to you all.

I am taking anxiety medicine, and thank God for it.

That's a very good question....I am in the same situation with two elderly parents, one who has mid-stage dementia, and the other not handling getting older very easily. People tell ne the same thing, but they don't get it. I can't just can't abandon them, nor do I want to. But I miss my life. I get out some, but not enough. I'm still searching for answers too... take comfort in knowing many of us in the same boat....

It has been over a year since I was in the same boat you are now in. I have a brother but he disconnected emotionally and was only concerned for his own welfare so was no help to me or Dad. So I was alone as you are now. It may help to know you are not the only person going through this. I refused to go the drug route and would simply get away from the sadness, depression and frustration by going to my room after making sure Dad had what he needed. Those years were the hardest I've ever endured. It was lonely. I was horrifically overworked, bone tired and sad almost all the time because I had to watch daily as my beloved father declined in every way. I think after your Mom dies, you will be glad you cared for her. Although it is extremely difficult and so very lonely, after it is all over, you will know in your heart that you did the right thing. You'll also miss her a great deal because you put so much of yourself and your life into caring for her. These feelings come with the territory and are something we accept when we accept the challenge. You are doing the right thing. Try to find something - even if it is for only 10 minutes - every day that you enjoy doing for yourself. When it comes to making arrangements while you are in the hospital, you might search out caregiving companies or even individuals who would come to the house to watch over her for those hours/days. You'll know that you've made arrangements for her care when you couldn't be there. The cost won't matter in the long run but the peace of mind will be golden. People who haven't gone through this don't have a clue as to what it means. Their comments of, "take care" are all they know to say. They mean well but they can't help but have no idea. You are right. Most people would never do what you have stepped up to do. Be proud of yourself that you are who you are. It counts and it matters.