Our Mother lives in an AL place and she's a night owl. She's very social and wants to keep going until at least 9:00pm. No one else at her place (or any of these places) seem to want to stay up and socialize after 6:00pm. I've thought about getting her a cat or dog, but it wouldn't be fair to the animal. I call her every night and stay on the phone with her for almost an hour to give her that "social" fix that she needs. It's really a problem because she cries practically every night. Any suggestions?
Therefore, your Mom needs to find something of interest to watch on TV and curl up under the covers to watch. It will take time for her inner clock to adjust. My Dad lived in senior facilities and he referred to it as his college dorm, and he never felt alone as there were so many people living around him just a door away.
Have you considered hiring a "sitter"(with your mothers money of course)to come in for a few hours nightly that can sit and keep her company? That would get you off the hook from having to call her every night and having to listen to her cry. And it would give your mother the social interaction that she craves.
I've had your same idea to hire someone to go and hang out with her for a few hours at night. We're moving her to a different facility next month, so I'll be looking into it. I do have everyone call her at night to keep her company and it has worked thus far. I call her and she stays on the phone with me for almost an hour repeating her stories, but I just go with it. Thanks for your input.
But being afraid is part of dementia, as I'm sure you know. One thing that helped my aunt was a very plush stuffed animal (it was a dog). She held that thing and stroked him, and it did a lot to soothe her. She was pretty far gone at that point, and she might have thought it was an actual puppy, but it worked.
Yes, usually after dinner the aides start taking the residents back to their rooms to get ready for the night. The put them in their PJs and robes and then they watch TV for the evening. I do that myself. We eat dinner in or out. Its 7pm by the time we get done dinner and clean up. Or get back from eating out. I get my PJs on and the rest of the night is watching TV.
if she is scared , it’s different. then she needs way to feel secure . We put a plug in system that rings a chime if anyone opens the door at my mom . It makes her feel like she is more aware if someone where entering her home . You could go as far as a camera security system that she feels someone else is watching over her . A lifeline device she can wear at night in case she has an emergency to ring . . It just depends on her concern .
good luck I know it’s not easy
Sadly, it does seem that after dinner they are 'done' for the night and in PJs too early.
me to stay and tuck her in at night. (Wow, how our roles have reversed!)
Maybe we can brainstorm? I’ve recently started looking into how I can help her.
I like that you call here at night. It’s a lot on your plate, but, it’s what we do, right? Hang in there and just love her!
Cindy W
Maybe your mother would benefit if a 'Sleep Duty' aide was hired for her. Their job is pretty much what their title is. They stay the overnight in a client's home. They get up and check on them once or twice and maybe toilet them or change a diaper if needed.
A 'Sleep Duty' aide costs a lot less than paying for an hourly caregiver.
I did this job myself for a couple clients and knew women who did it for years. Most of the time the reason why they're hired is because an old person who's still independent just doesn't want to be alone in the house at night.
We have decided to move her from the facility she's in, as they are not offering anything that she needs anymore. We found a more active facility that's nearby and we're optimistic to see where things will go at this new place. The old one isn't delivering anymore and has become a detriment to her mental well-being. Thank you for your response!
Someone who will watch tv with her, play cards, or just talk. There are people who volunteer to do this sort of thing for free. Ask at her AL if they can put you in touch with any organizations that volunteer to do elder companionship. Many times churches offer this service.
Some family members could perhaps create a schedule to assist with this taking turns. Or volunteers from a faith community of choice. Or other volunteers from Agency of Aging or available via the AL facility if they have a list ... You would of course want any outside volunteers to properly screened ( back ground checks etc etc. )
Or hire a companion for these hours. Have the family contribute to the cost .
I don't like cats, personally, but I know a lot of people who probably love their cats as much or more than their families. A warm cat to snuggle next to at night might really allay her anxiety.
As far as the smell--my YB has about 8 cats (at last count) and you cannot smell a thing from them. Their litter boxes are cleaned daily, they are brushed, bathed and cared for. They're weird, as 'packs' of cats can get, but they are always ready to jump in a warm lap. Even tho I am not a fan of cats, I can see the positive side of having one.
I read some of the comments below. Is she active during the day, she might be more ready to chill out come nighttime... Do they have an exercise class there? Is she in a wheelchair?
I think you had a good idea about an animal companion but maybe not a real one. These cat companions have good reviews:
Lifelike Robotic Cats for Seniors - Joy for All – Ageless Innovation LLC
https://joyforall.com/products/companion-cats
My friend had a soft floppy one she could take with her.
Other ideas are:
In your conversations be sure to give hope and talk about positive things like good things about the day or something to look forward to the next day. It helped my Mom to pray with her. Maybe read a story or positive poems or short stories.
Background tv with soothing shows or images to fall asleep to. We would put a fave oldies do-wop CD on for my Mom. It cycled through the intro a few times repetitively, and she would fall asleep right away.
Soothing music to fall asleep to.
Best of luck!
I really would suggest that you make it a quick call that tells her to turn on her TV. Then give it a couple of weeks and see if things are different. Why keep this up indefinitely?
Every night after dinner (after dad died) mom would go back to her apartment, change into her nightgown, make phone calls, write cards out, and then watch tv until bed time. That's a standard thing to do for most people. Once in a while she would schmooze with her BFF at the AL, Ann, in the evenings, but not as a rule. The residents were allowed to use the library if they wanted to, but most residents were in their apartments after dinner.
According to your profile, your mom suffers from Alzheimers/dementia. This is likely the reason why she's scared of being alone at night and why you need to talk her off the ledge for an hour long phone call each evening. When my mother's dementia progressed to that point, I segued her into the Memory Care building of the same ALF she'd been living at for 4 years.
It's a shrunken down world in Memory Care; much less overwhelming than having a full service apartment is, with cooking apparatus and the like. Lots more caregivers to help the residents with 100% of everything. In mom's MC, they had a movie going every night in the activity room, and residents doing puzzles, etc. It was a very small (23 people) environment which lent itself to being more family like; the activity room had a big fireplace, so it was more like a big family room than anything else. That's where the residents gathered to do everything, including eating meals. That's how most MC's are set up; to provide that cozy family room feeling to the residents who want to stay up later or socialize.
If my mom felt lonely or scared in the evenings, she had 'her girls' as she called them, who'd come into her room and sit with her and talk about their children and their goals in life, etc. They'd comb her hair and just sit on her bed and shoot the breeze. That doesn't happen in regular AL; there's too many residents and too high of a resident to caregiver ratio to make such a thing plausible. In MC, the resident to caregiver ratio is much better; mom's MC was 7:1, or somewhere in that neighborhood.
Your mom just needs more attention in the evenings than she's getting right now. You can hire a companion to sit with her, or look into moving her into MC, although nobody can guarantee she'll be 'kept going until 9 pm'.
If you feel it's anxiety mom is experiencing, perhaps a call to her PCP is in order for a low dose of calming meds. My mom did well on .25 mgs of Ativan when her Sundowning got bad.
I see in your comment that you're moving mom to a different ALF: A full activities calendar during the day is a MUST. Hoping for the best outcome for all concerned.
Wishing you the best of luck.
Did mom have any crafting, sewing or such that she liked to do? Maybe it's time to restock those items to see if she'll get going on them again.