Our Mother lives in an AL place and she's a night owl. She's very social and wants to keep going until at least 9:00pm. No one else at her place (or any of these places) seem to want to stay up and socialize after 6:00pm. I've thought about getting her a cat or dog, but it wouldn't be fair to the animal. I call her every night and stay on the phone with her for almost an hour to give her that "social" fix that she needs. It's really a problem because she cries practically every night. Any suggestions?
* Schedule a massage or foot massage (very relaxing) later in the evening.
(be sure they are certified).
* I would caution you calling nightly as it will exhaust you / wear you out and [may not] help her that much - when needing other interventions.
* Call volunteer organizations (or churches) and ask for a volunteer to call her for a five minute chat in the evenings (several people can do this).
* Consider having her medication adjusted - if she's on any; if not, see if this might help.
* Find out what she is doing after 5pm, i.e.
- drinking coffee?
- any stimulates that would keep her aware / her brain going
+ Ask her to read around 8pm (history? something boring?)
+ Ask staff to support her somehow.
+ Get her some 'calming' tea(s) - ask at a health food store
* Offer / do a visualization with her at night to help her relax. You could likely find these looking up 'relaxing visualizations' on the internet.
- Get her a CD of relaxing music and/or a meditation.
* Ask her what she is fearing. Offer reflective listening (reflect her words back to her, with comfort). "I understand you feel xxx and that must be scary." Let her know she isn't alone. "Oh, I used to feel like that too." --- See if she asks you about it and how you resolved it. If she doesn't ask, tell her how you resolved it (it doesn't matter if you did or didn't... you can share with her some of these ideas).
* Hire a caregiver for two hours in the evening to be with her / get her ready for bed; this could be someone offering a massage or gentle touch / foot rub (wouldn't necessarily need to be a certified practitioner/massage therapist).
Gena / Touch Matters
'Ask staff to support her some how'.
How? The staff has to support her somehow. How?
I worked in a nice assisted living facility for a long time. This place was high end. No one was forced to go to sleep at a certain time. They could stay up in their rooms and do what they wanted.
We did not have enough staff to sit with someone for hours on end holding their hand or calming them down or entertaining them until they fall asleep. A facility not as posh and swank as the one I worked in will have even less staff. Especially at night. That's the reality. Your suggestions aren't reality. They are not going to apply in an actual AL facility.
Best case scenario (in reality) is the OP can get some hired companionship to stay with her mother for a few hours in the evenings. Or her doctor can give her something for anxiety so she doesn't have to cry to her daughter for hours every night.
Your comment was spot on and you were right. You told what is an unpleasant truth and people sometimes have a hard time when one is mentioned.
To Emma 1817, your comments are callous hurtful to others. This is not Okay! This forum is supposed to be supportive to others. You are not doing that and so, why are you on here? Your comment, it doesn't bother you because she's not your mother: Whether she's your mother or not, it's sad that you do not have compassion for "anyone" who is in her position.
Your condescending criticism isn't okay either. Emma is right. People often criticize a person for telling an unpleasant truth. That does not make it untrue though. You state that your own mother was placed and that the staff of her facility were available to comfort her every night. You weren't dealing with her hysterics and crying every night and spending hours on the phone calming her down the way the OP has to. So there's no halo appearing above your head, and you shouldn't be judgemental about anybody else. Your mother was lucky she was placed in a facility that could offer this kind of one-on-one attention. Most of them do not. In fact, most facilities are so short staffed that a resident is lucky if someone washes them up and toilets them before bedtime. Living in a care facility can be lonely. There isn't going to be 24 hour activitity and someone staying by a resident 24/7 so they have to adapt.
This sounds unkind and maybe even harsh, but a person has to adapt. It's like with a baby. If mom and dad go running in every time the baby squawks a little bit, he will never learn how to be alone. So what will happen is he'll have no sense of autonomy and mom and dad will end up with him living in their basement at 40 and they'll have to support him until they die.
The same thing with the elderly even with dementia. I see so many people on here at their wits' end because a LO with dementia develops a 'shadowing' habit and cannot be left alone for a moment. This happens because it's allowed to. When it's not allowed, the habit doesn't form. People have to be left alone for periods of time. The OP's mother may very well have to cry herself to sleep for a few nights. After those few nights she will adapt to being alone before bedtime for a while and will be fine. Some hired companionship for a few hours a few nights a week will help too.
You sound like a busy woman and certainly need your rest.
How long do you think would be a reasonable time to speak to your mother on the phone? Try to work towards that goal, otherwise you are going to wear yourself out.
Has your mom always stayed up late or is this a new behavior? Has she told you what she is afraid of during the evening hours?
Unless you have a money tree in your yard, it would be expensive to hire someone to be a companion for every evening of the week, month after month.
Has she tried a mild medication so she can relax?
My friend who lives next door to her mom has the same issue with her mom.
My friend can’t stay up late with her mom. She serves dinner to her mom, then returns to her home to spend time with her husband. She goes to bed early because she has to leave early for work.
Her mom’s doctor prescribed Trazodone. Maybe your mom’s doctor could prescribe something mild for her so she could unwind in the evening and hopefully rest well.
Maybe she can sign up for an online class in the evening, something that interests her?
Edit - Just read that your mom has Alz., so probably she can no longer use computer.
MJ. Caregiver