How do we get our mother with dementia to have better hygiene habits?

You may want to go to the store & buy mom a few pairs of new shoes and drive them over to her house. I did that for my mom when her feet swelled from edema & she was insisting on wearing TIGHT shoes that were adding to the problem. I went to Wal Mart and bought her 10 pair of shoes in various sizes, brought them to her in Memory Care, and tried them all on her feet to see which ones were best. I left her with 3 pr and brought the rest back to WM for a refund. I also took her old shoes OUT of her room and put them in the trunk of my car. Done & done. She complained all the time about 'needing new shoes' which was senseless b/c she couldn't walk anyway. She had several new pairs of shoes that FIT her feet when swollen and when they weren't, given the day.

Your dad is in a predicament with mom and dealing with her stubborn agitation with dementia isn't easy. When things get bad enough, he'll take her to the doctor and ask for meds and/or help from you kids. THAT is when you can look into in-home help or an aide to help her with showers, etc. In the meantime, just offer moral support and education for dad, such as the article I linked you to.

Wishing you the best of luck with a difficult situation and learning to pick your battles!

Your post reminds me of my "Uncle" George; he's now almost 102 years old and living in Assisted Living. He was married to his wife (no kids) for 75 years and he lost one arm in the military as a young man. His wife was quite frail & suffering from dementia when she was about 95, and they were living in an Independent Living apt together. George cared for her himself, with one arm, and bathed her in the tub! His family was so worried that he'd hurt himself, but he INSISTED on caring for her personally, alone, with no help whatsoever. His wife went into the hospital a few years later with abdominal pain and died shortly thereafter of pancreatitis. She was 99 years old, a wartime RN and tough as nails! George finally was coaxed into moving into Assisted Living a few years ago & is still of sound mind today at 101.5!!!

Anyway, I digress. Really, hair should not BE washed more than once a week! A shower once a week is normally enough too, as the others have said. This blurb comes from a great booklet called Understanding the Dementia Experience which is here:

https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/210580


"Grooming and bathing are disrupted when the person (with dementia) forgets how and when to do things. They may forget what the steps of washing are. They may forget that they need to wash. They may be unable to remember how much time has elapsed since they last washed or changed their clothes. They may also believe that they are clean and take offence should anyone suggest otherwise. Dealing with such situations in a manner that is kind and jovial, rather than confrontational, is important. One fellow, who needed to help his wife bathe as she was no longer able to do so herself, was puzzled because she was calm and cooperative until he helped her step out of the bathtub, and then she became agitated and wanted to get covered up immediately. As it turned out, as soon as she saw her own reflection in the mirror, she thought there was another person in the bathroom, and she was embarrassed. As you can see, the cause of the distress for a person with dementia is not always readily apparent to the rest of us, who can take intact thought and reasoning for granted.

If a person with AD is looking at a solid black area, or a solid white area, such as a bathtub, they may perceive a yawning bottomless hole. Putting a coloured bath mat down may increase the likelihood that they would be willing to step into the tub. Putting blue food colouring into the water may allow them to see what they are stepping into as well. Generally, with altered depth perception, it becomes challenging to judge how high, deep, long, wide, near or far things are.

If you send clear signals through your tone of voice, facial expression and relaxed and confident attitude, that you mean them no harm, they may trust you to the point where you are able to help them with their personal care. People with AD become extremely sensitive to the body language of others, as they no longer possess the judgment and insight to understand the situation, so they evaluate the threat posed to themselves by the frown or aggressive stance of the other. It is important to exaggerate your body language communication to let the person with AD know that you intend them no harm. A smile on your face, a relaxed tone of voice and body stance, a sense of calmness and reassurance, perhaps a hug, all communicate that you mean to help, not harm. If you feel like you’re overdoing the positive body language, you are communicating your intent effectively for a person with AD.

Remember that their short-term memory may not permit them to remember what you are doing when the two of you are part way through a task, such as a bath. People have found it effective to keep chatting throughout the task, as the continued connection and reassurance of a soothing tone helps the person with Alzheimer disease stay calm in a situation they would otherwise find threatening."

Continued:

You can't expect someone with dementia to think, plan and act in a rational way, no matter which kind of dementia it all means brain damage and failing cognitive ability. There is little you can do as long as your father is in denial and resists extra help (and lets face it it sounds as though her care needs are beyond his ability to manage), he's the one you need to work on.

hopeawood - once a week shower is perfectly fine, unless she smells. People who sweat more and have strong body odors would benefit from more frequent washing in the offensive areas (under arms, private parts) between weekly baths/showers.

As for the duct taped shoes, I have an older friend whose feet swell now and then. So it's hard for her to find shoes that are comfortable and sturdy and non-slip, and fit well, etc. Right now, she wears mismatched shoes because each shoe fits each of her foot well.

I suspect your mother likes the fit of her shoes even though they are falling apart. You should ask her why she likes those shoes. Perhaps, take her shop for new shoes at specialty stores where they measure her feet, recommend shoes, etc.

hopeawood, When it comes to baths/showers for someone who is older, it is like going to the gym for a work out. It is very exhausting. Even I find it very tiring and I am in my 70’s, and I was a gym rat in my younger years.  It catches up to everyone.

A parent doesn't need to shower daily, once a week is good enough, unless they are doing hard labor. If a parent is a Depends wearer, baby wipes work quite well between showers. Recently I found a product called “Water Wipes” in the baby section, quite pleased with the product.

Is their bathroom safe? Are there grab bars to help them get in and out of the shower/bath? A long bath mat on the bottom of the tub? A bath chair? I noticed my Mom became claustrophobic in her older years so using a shower had become scary for her.

So give your folks some slack, before your Dad does change the locks on their doors.