How do we handle days like this?

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How do we handle days like this?

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It has been one of those days. I woke this morning. I bought my mother a coffee maker because she has been asking for one. I saw her busy at the machine, so let her be. I like it when she does what she can. She was only making two cups of coffee, but she filled the filter with enough coffee for a big pot. She ran some more water through trying to get the coffee dilute. It was an awful mess. We talked about how much coffee to use. No problem, really. I know it was a challenge for her. I told her I didn't want any coffee and she asked me why in the world I had bought the pot if I wasn't going to drink coffee?

She didn't go back to bed -- understandable with that strong coffee! :-D She wanted to talk. It was the most confusing talk that was twisting my head about as I was trying to get things done. At lunchtime I planned on having some Italian pasta that was leftover from dinner. I searched the refrigerator, but it was nowhere in sight. I asked about it and she said she'd thrown it in the yard for the birds. She said she didn't want me to try to serve it again, and never to buy it again. I looked outside and there it was -- noodles and Italian sausage in tomato sauce sitting in bits in the front yard. I prayed some stray dog would find it and clean it up. But no problem, really. Things like this happen in the world of dementia.

Then she was looking outside and decided our neighbors had turned their water drain spouts to send water into our yard. She said she was going to talk with them and didn't care what they thought. Our neighbors are sweet people. I assured Mom that they hadn't done anything wrong. She didn't listen. She called someone and started crying about what these neighbors were doing to her yard. Sigh. I see an obsessive problem brewing. She wouldn't stop talking about it. I told her a good solution would be to move. No, she said. This was her house, and yada yada.

I had enough of the day and retreated to my room. Fortunately, I had an order that I had to fill that distracted me. It had rained steadily all day, so I hadn't been able to get out for a walk. It was kind of nice to head to the post office. I talked to the clerk there. The normal conversation was so refreshing. My mind can end up feeling so twisted that things can start to seem like all confusion after a while. How do we cope with such confusion?

Burnout

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Make this a "wine" moment.

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Sorry it was a rough day. I'm glad you come here to add cheer and offer support though. It helps others so much. That must bring you some comfort.

How long has your mom being diagnosed with dementia?

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Officially, not under the Guardian hearing. Unofficially: At age 75 she drove a quarter mile with her foot on the gas, pushing harder because she thought her foot was on the brake "The car went crazy" she said. The bad news is she did about $3K in damage to the car. The good news is she set a new record for the quarter mile in a Grand Marquis.

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I hope your day gets better Jessie!

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Sunny, I really think my mother was born with dementia. There's always been something off with her. It has been worse for the last 10 or so years. I've been living with her for six years.

Today is still crazy. I'm trying to stay out of her way. I am mentioning moving a lot. I hope that it gets her used to the idea.

Pam, the whine thread is no longer the whine thread.

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Oh, I re-read. I understand "wine" now. Afraid I'll have to settle for a beer moment. :)

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I see. I guess everyone's progression varies. My cousin went downhill fast. I don't see her making it even close to 6 years. She doesn't really notice anything unless you point it out to her and even then, she has little if any comment about it. Before dementia, she could be rather spoiled and demanding, but not anymore. She became a much more grateful person who is quite nice.

Perhaps your mom's main issue is something else. I've read your comments on this site. I suppose that change could still come through as she progresses.

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Pam, Nascar is looking for drivers... you made me laugh out loud! Hope shes ok!

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We are so good at "not letting it bother me." But sometimes - often - it gets tiring.

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Jessie, hope your Mom eventually understands how to use the new coffee maker. I was thinking about getting my Dad one of the small Keurig coffee makers. But then I remembered all the problems I had trying to remember the steps to get the thing to work here at home. And recently I noticed at my office some of our older clients were befuddled by the Keurig, so I dropped that idea....

Dad would either run hot water all over the counter, or being a retired electrical engineer, he would take the thing apart to see how it works :P

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ROFL, ff. I got my mother one of the old-fashioned types. She just puts the coffee and water in. Today she did it just fine. I overheard her saying, 2 cups 1 scoop. I think she has it down. Yea! I wouldn't have even tried any of the newer models. Maybe your dad would like one of the 5-cup Mr. Coffee makers. It is the old-fashioned kinds.

I can understand possible befuddlement at the new coffeemakers. Some of them make me long for the old days when things were simple.

My mother is very stuck on the water coming from the neighbor's yard now. She growled at me any time I saw her, so I made myself scarce. I am not a happy camper at the moment. I have a high-cost way to fix problems that should have already been done. I am going to go ahead with the plan. She is concerned about moss growing in the front yard and wants to eradicate it. Why, I don't know. She's had this fixation on moss for about 4 years now. I told her there was an easy solution -- chop down her trees. She didn't like that. She doesn't understand shade and moss go together. (Personally I love the pretty green moss carpet, so hate to see it hacked up and destroyed.)

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Jesse, really frustrating days! We get Half Calf from trader joes and then I don't get all talkative. Earlier last week, someone was having to limit the availability of toilet paper. I thought this was a good way to get ahead of the problem.
Maybe there is a way to limit the amount of coffee available also, but that would mean more work for you. Sounds like your mother learned to make it anyway!

Every so often, there is coffee running down the side of the counter here. I have to clean it up and have no idea how he does it, but I love for him to make the excellent coffee that he does. It is such a treat for me!

Hope you get some relief from those frustrations somehow. You deserve a good day.

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Great idea, Send. I'm actually thinking about buying decaf and slipping it into the canister. She probably won't know the difference. Maybe she'll calm down some if she doesn't have the caffeine going through her.

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I woke late this morning and peeked in the living room. Mom was up and in her chair, rocking frantically. I suspected before that she might be bipolar. The recent things may just be part of mania?? She has gotten hypomanic on certain antidepressants. She drove me crazy doing things like washing coins and old laundry -- obsessive acts. She enjoys the hypomania, so I'll just ride with it unless it gets too bad or expensive.

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You need respite. We all have to get away from the confused thinking and talk with others who can carry on a decent conversation. I like to go to Lowe's where usually "the guys" and I can talk about how to fix something and that takes my mine off what is happening at home. Find YOUR outlet, go there when you need some relief so you can resume being a caregiver. I had to lock our front door and hide the key because when I found it unlocked, my husband said, "It called to me to open". The saving wonder is our two dogs which I can take for a short walk or more recently I bought a golf car to get him out of the house and the dogs love to ride in the breeze! So just know you are not alone...Oh, don't let her make coffee unattended. You need to take the thinking process out of her mind because she can no longer organize steps of how to do things.

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Jessiebelle I know EXACTLY what you are going through. With my mom, its either " I'm out of cigarettes. There's no more ice, or I need Kleenex " never a " thank you, I love you " nothing. Now I don't have an answer, but just letting you know that you are not alone. At least your mom goes outside. I have to argue with her to get her to the doctor. I will keep you in my prayers.

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Jessie, good luck to you. My mother passed away in January and I must say that it was somewhat of a relief. She was 104 and had been "demented" for about a year and a half. I blame recurrent UTI infections. She became angry with her former neighbors claiming that they had stolen all of her plants and dug up her yard etc. She could no longer remember to turn off the faucet at the sink when she brushed her teeth. sometimes she would chase her caregiver through the house with her cane. Fortunately she never chased or bit me. I miss my mother a lot, but it's the mother I remember with her sound mind. I'm relieved that she finally found peace.

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If your mom has dementia, logic no longer works. Neither does confrontation. And taking about moving won't effect her irrational decisions either. The change you are facing is one of role reversal. It's hard enough to parent a child, harder to parent an adolescent but it takes special skill, care and concern to parent one's parent.
If you can't move out, separate your life from hers. Get a small frig and put it in your room or garage. Purchase decaf coffee. Find a Meetup or church group to attend so you can socialize. Get your own tv and new friends. Life was not meant to be so constantly stressful.

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I can only tell you that you are not alone. I have been caring for my mom in my home for a year and my dad in a convalescent hospital for two years. It is days like you describe that become the norm. I find it hard to discuss with friends because they only see my mom as a sweet little lady. I know i sound petty to them. But when you put all those little things together day after day frustration mounts. I guess all we can do is take it one day at a time and pray for strength.

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Put, funny you should say all those things. I have 2 rooms in my mother's house -- one for me, one for the rabbit. I have a little frig and a half bath. I get out almost every day for a while, but I still have to come back. This life is like wearing shoes that don't fit well. It isn't my life; it is hers.

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If you are anything like I me, you are so tire and rest broken you are confused, can make terrible decisions based on that. I have no answer. My mother died October 20th. She had Parkinson and then a stroke July 28th. I took early retirement and cared for her in her home, spending the night alternating nights with three brothers. Of course I was there all day. You can never get a routine with Parkinson. Sometimes she couldn't physical move. She wore the patches but sometimes I felt she was over medicated but I was told to never cut them, she had a problem swallowing the pills then would find them on the floor. Would have yo help her get up all day, then she would walk through the house all night. Nothing made sense.She would lock herself in bathroom and eat all day and still lose weight. .I started feeling confused and afraid to make a decision. It's been four months and I still feel a little anxious and unsure, nothing like I was before I retired but I am beginning to feel better. I appreciate the early post where someone said they missed the mother they had before but were relieved. Feel sad but don't believe I could have made it much longer.Makes me sad for my only daughter and worry for my future care.

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My mother, who has dementia and lives with me, has a 4-cup coffee maker on the kitchen counter. I kept it for her to use because she loves her morning coffee (although her coffee has always been terrible), and it was something she could still manage (The microwave, cell phone, and tv remotes mostly elude her). Then suddenly one morning she could no longer remember the process for setting up the coffee maker. It was just gone. Now I get up early to get it going for her in the morning, but she still tries to operate it during the day. If the coffee in her cup goes cold before she finishes it, she pours it in the reservoir of the coffee maker. Since she uses non-dairy creamer (ack), it cycles through and makes a nasty brew in the pot. I just finished cleaning it all out again.

The only way I've been able to deal with this particular issue and all the others that happen daily is that she is moving into assisted living in a couple of days. We're fortunate that she has the resources to cover it for a while. It will be better for both of us. I'm really tired.

Blessings on your day!

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glsdaisy, you are so lucky. The coffee maker cleaning doesn't sound like much, but when it is small things like this happening all day long, it mounts up. It's like a little voice inside is saying, "What to do? What to do?" We can take each incident as it comes up, but everything together is tiresome and does something to the mind.

I thought this morning that the situation many of us are in now is like the situation of having a disabled child. Children with most disabilities, e.g. Downs, cane live a long life now, but not an independent life. We have these situations and pray for the wisdom in knowing what to do for our loved one and ourselves. After a few years it just all blurs and you realize it could go on for years unless something happens. Ack.

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BTW, there is a spiritual side to all of this that is hard to grasp. I'm not talking about the Sunday-school type thing. It is beyond that. It is more like a battle of right and wrong or good and evil. People get totally uncomfortable with this type talk, though. I have found some help through reading.

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Lotsa hugs on days like this, may every minute be fruitful memories in spite the challenges...Make the most of it, PATIENCE 😔😔😔

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Sounds very familiar!.... I took the car keys, of course, and the knobs off the stove. Mom had a pot of spaghetti sauce in the refrigerator and left it on the stove for hours, often falling asleep! She could work a microwave for a while until she put food in for 20 minutes and it burned, smoke detectors all going off - so I had to unplug it. But mom was creative, she was convinced every single day that she was going to have a 'dinner party', so her dining room table was set every day with paper plates and plastic forks and spoons. She would thaw out food from the freezer and mix it all together for when the 'dinner guests' would arrive - some interesting combinations! .... So I know how you feel! Isn't it wonderful to get out of the house, and talk to a neighbor, or a store clerk, or the librarian? Just to have someone lucid to talk with? Little things like that, you appreciate! It's like a prisoner in a dungeon getting a glimpse of a sunny sky through the bars of the window.

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You are so right, Lassie. I wish that they realized that their minds were not working right and learned to trust others, but that doesn't happen usually. It can be more like they feel their mind is okay and we are working against them. We become the enemy, instead of the helper. The un-involved family remains perfect because they are not interfering. Of course, we realize that the family isn't interfering because they don't want to be bothered with it for whatever reason.

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My Mom would drink coffee even though the nurse and doctor said it was not good for her heart. So, I would go buy decaf and mix it in with hers so she was drinking 50/50 and then, 30% caf. and 70% decaf. I wanted her to get a little zing from the caffeine. She still had her morning cup, but she decreased drinking coffee during the day because I think she was not getting the "high."

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Jessie Belle, I like your comment about the spiritual side. Battle of right and wrong goes on all the time. Through the day, we make decisions and act in love and truth or we do not, or we try to figure it out. Some people are acting more out of self protection.

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I'm going thru similar issues with my spouse who is probably now moving into the mid stage of alz. All we can do is take it 1 day at a time. Are u involved in a car givers support group. I find that helps me a lot.

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