This weekend i got the surprise of my life. MY FIL and MIL were here for a short visit - they live 1000 miles away. My husband has always had a stressful relationship with them - no matter that we are in our 50's - they come, feel like they can criticize all that we do, that we don't know anything - expect us to change when we eat, what we eat, wait on them hand and foot - completely take over. We have full time professional careers that they criticize, opinions that they criticize, parenting skill that they criticize. We have set boundaries but they still try to get us to knuckle under each and every visit "We are your parents, you should......" I am usually wild by the time they leave after 48 hours.
ANYWAY - the last day of their visit over lunch - before DH took them to the airport - they mentioned that they want us to consider buying a larger house (with their financial help) and that we move in together. They want to see more of our son as they age and then as they age, we can help them.
I was stunned. DH said "we'd think about it" and then we got into a huge fight when he came back from the airport. He has absolutely no experience with caregiving. when my dad was at home and i did respite care - my DH was not there. Not to see the decline, the combativeness, the incontinence, the meals thrown on the floor - the constant doctor appointments for hours at a time, the constant getting up a night. The stress and exhaustion that you all know so well. I was wrung out after just a weekend - imagine my step mom who did this for five years!
I feel they should buy into a continuing care community - where they start out with independent living, gradually add services for assisted living, then finally skilled nursing and memory care. They won't consider this because they expect their children to care for them (even though FIL's own mom went into a continuing care facility).
My DH is in his own fantasy world - picturing the Walton's existence, three generations around the dinner table enjoying each other & him finally having the good relationship with them that he never has. In reality - they complain about what we cook and use the dinner table to criticize what we do, how we live, how we raise our son, our opinions, etc. I can't believe he is seriously wanting us to do this.
We can't get along now with them. What about as they age and need more hands on help? it will be ME they expect to drop my job to take them on round after round of doctor appointments, clean for them, cook for them, etc. because i am a woman. My DH disappears when they get on his nerves and i have to deal with them.
Yet - we have fought about this several times since Sunday. He feels I'm "abandoning" his parents by not wanting to consider living with them. He won't look at this website to gain experience, or talk to co-workers going through this, or counseling about this, or listen to my step mom's experience with my dad.
I am going to see a counselor on my own. I have told DH that this is a deal breaker - i WILL NOT live with them. Have any of you dealt with a spouse with his head in the clouds? How do i get him to at least start asking about the experience of others? He wants me to try. My counter point is that this is awfully expensive and disruptive to "try" as we will never be able to unwind this fiasco - so research now. We are at an impasse. Thank you!
Apple=tree. The poor little apple does seem to think he can jump back up and reattach himself to the tree. Clearly and rightly, you understand that this is impossible. He will never, ever have the Walton/Rockwell relationship he desires. Ever.
Can you perhaps get him into counseling or even to read this forum by saying that you'd be open to discussing the situation AFTER he educates himself about what is involved?
It doesn't mean you'd have to change your stance - and maybe it would become a mute point if, in fact - he did get a better picture about what he's asking of you - of your son, and of your marriage.
Regardless- I'm completely with you in this being a deal breaker.
You husband is a lot like my father, he used me and my mom as a buffer. And she did move in with them for awhile.
I suggest you have your husband spend a week at their home with them....trapped. He might see what it will be like. My father had to spend a weekend with his mother in her place and he came home in shock. He wanted to know when she had gotten so 'bad'. We told him she was always like that but he was too zoned out in front of the TV to notice and we got stuck dealing with her.
Been there--and it stinks.
Hubby thought his dying father should spend his last months with us. Of course it wouldn't have rattled hubby's chains one iota! I was already doing it all the caregiving in his home--and he thought I would jump at the chance to have HIS dad live with us, FT. I seriously don't know what was going on his head, except he felt extreme guilt over not having been involved much in FIL's care as he aged. Well--that wasn't MY problem. (At the time I was also caring for my father who had Parkinson's--giving mother days of respite care.)
We also had 2 children still at home---
There was no fight. I simply told Hubby if he wanted dad to be "here", that was fine. The girls and I would leave. He could quit his job and stay home with dad. I stood my ground and even though, to this day he thinks I was selfish---I knew my limits and I was at the end of them just running out to FIL's home 2-3 times a day, plus caring for daddy. And my girls. Hubby isn't capable of doing caregiving, and didn't do a single thing besides take FIL to the dr once or twice.
The whole "3 generation in one house" in really difficult--if not just impossible. My mother lives with my brother and his family. Almost 20 years now. He wishes he hadn't taken mother and dad in. But, he did, and now it's a forever thing. His wife has stepped away from caregiving and brother does it all, with some help from me, if mother is speaking to me. It has been really hard on the marriage, the kids....I just do not see an upside to them having mom there.
It sounds like an ALF would be great for your in laws. An apartment type setting where they can be "independent" and you can see them if and when you want.
I have seen and heard of too many disasters with the 3 generation home--stick to your guns!!! Once the parents are in....you're stuck. And you're right, it won't be your hubby doing the "hands on", it will be YOU.
Wow--I just wish you luck in this. Sounds awful, esp since hubby won't listen to you. Maybe you can find some similar situations among people you know...and have him talk to them about how hard this can be.
He needs to choose between you and his parents. I would never, ever expect my wife to live with my parents and they are pretty sweet folks.
I would stick to my guns. I think the only kind of person who would direct you to do this sort of thing is a person without any boundaries.
Does your husband do any reading here? Perhaps he should.
I have always said that the only people who care about caregiving are the ones who are actually doing it. Meaning that uninvolved family member refuse to even educate themselves on the issues involved. But your husband is taking it to a new extreme - on the brink of a huge life decision and continuing to refuse to learn anything about it. It would be a deal-breaker for me.
He's the one who needs to be in counseling. He needs to understand that his need to get the love and approval he's always wanted from his parents will probably never be resolved no matter what he does, and it's not right for him to drag you into it when you already know it isn't what you want to do. I'm so sorry you are in this situation, but you need to stand firm. There's a lot of ways he can help them in their old age and not abandon them, if that's important to him,, without turning your life upside down in the process.