Follow
Share

Long story short mother was placed in a SNF and transitioned to Long term care after her bout with a severe UTI & Dementia and since admission has pretty much just been there if that makes sense. We were visiting more during her placement but the last few times we visited she gets agitated after about the first 15-20 minutes and asks to be taken back to her room so we oblige since we do not have deal with her once we leave, the staff does. I have started a new FT job which takes me out of the area weekly and on weekends we still have kid obligations, so it's been about a month since we have been there. Lately we are feeling super guilty about not being able to visit, but honestly she doesn't remember what happened 10 minutes ago let alone any visits. Just not sure how to deal with the guilt........TIA

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Find Care & Housing
Try to change the word because the words we tell ourselves are powerful. You didn't cause this; it isn't your "fault". There should be no guilt, and you aren't a felon or evil doer. Those who "should" feel guilt almost never do. The G-word you need is "grief". You are grieving that your Mom is losing herself, that she is distressed,that you aren't God and can't fix it, that everything can't be fixed, that now this grief and despair are added to your already overwhelmed life. That you cannot find any answer to help either your Mom's or your own feelings. Is that not worth grieving? Is that not worth you heartbreak? Is that not worth your tears? Please go easy on yourself. You aren' t responsible and you are doing all you can, and owe it to yourself and your family to stay as well and strong as you can. My heart goes out to you and I wish you well. The very sad truth is that your frequent visits are distressing both of you, and to no good end. Visit less. She may adjust better, and she may NOT, but right now her mind isn't her own nor yours to help.
Helpful Answer (15)
Report
bianca12 Oct 2022
Kind, insightful response, Alva Deer
(1)
Report
Visits are more for your peace of mind than they are for your mother at this point. If you're going to feel guilty for not visiting, then plan to visit and make time to do so, even if it's for 15 minutes a pop once a week. She will know you're there, even with advanced dementia.

When my mother with advanced dementia got agitated during our visits with her in Memory Care AL, or decided she had something 'urgent' she needed to do, my DH and I would just leave. Kiss her goodbye and tell her we loved her and would come back again at another time. Short visits are best when dementia is involved, that's what I've found. Bring a snack along or a small gift, and leave the moment things get stressful.

Best of luck.
Helpful Answer (14)
Report

Based on what you say, M won’t remember when you came. Any visit might be remembered, or none. I’d consider scrapping the ‘we visit’, and taking it in turns for one person to go. A useful topic of conversation - where the other one is? 10 minutes with M, then see the staff to get an update and let them know that you are ‘watching’.
Helpful Answer (12)
Report

If you are near enough, I’d try the ten minute “….just stopping by to say hello and make sure everything was OK”, then leave.

Behaviors DO change during the course of dementia, and if she doesn’t feel better with longer visits, you have no obligation (AT ALL) to hang around.

Super short visits indicate your love and care, and keep life comfortable for both of you.

I’ve been doing exactly this since December 2021.
Helpful Answer (10)
Report

Because it is still your mother and you need to see she is properly cared for. How else would you know? The staff do not have the time to give you updates.
Continue as you do and when she becomes agitated the visit is over. Who knows what is getting through to her brain.
Helpful Answer (7)
Report

Family needs to visit the NH regularly if for no other reason than to show the staff that you are checking up on the care being received. Visit her in her room rather than in common areas. It might be more comforting to her in her own room. Make the effort to visit her at least weekly. I've been in the NH and I valued the visits I received from family and friends. I still do even though I'm at home.
Helpful Answer (6)
Report

Keep the visits short - 10 minutes - and bring her a favorite treat to eat while you visit. Your visits can be kept to making sure her room is clean, clothes are clean, she's clean, etc. If you catch her on a good day, stay longer. I would say a monthly visit is the minimum to make sure she's getting the care she needs.
Helpful Answer (6)
Report

I have a mother with Alzheimer’s in a Long term care facility. She has been there since she fell down and broke her hip last October. I visit her weekly. Sometimes I miss a week here and there because I live about 1 and 1/2 hrs away from the NH but I do my best to get in there because it’s important that the staff knows you’re a regular visitor. I truly hope that everyone in the nursing home is treated well to the best of the staff’s ability. My mom looks better and she doesn’t really know where she is. She just thinks she is staying at someone’s house. I let her think that because that’s what she believes.
I feel for you because you have a full plate of life with your own family. It’s not easy to make the time but if you can figure out a way to get out there at least 2x a month, I think it would be good just to make sure she is taken care of.
I find mid-morning visits are the best time. She’s never agitated at that time. I visit her in her room and I always bring her food. It’s one of the few pleasures she enjoys these days. Also I have found that late afternoon visits are not good because that is the time she starts to get agitated.
I hope this helps you.
Helpful Answer (6)
Report

Perhaps you could hire a Visiting Angel to do your visits and facilitate a FaceTime call and reporting back to you about her living conditions and personal hygiene. If you make a list of Mom's belongings, the Visiting Nurse can take an inventory.

P.S. Time is irrelevant to a dementia patient.
Helpful Answer (6)
Report
Becky04469 Oct 2022
Do you work for Visiting Angels? I would not recommend them to anyone. Paying $20.00for someone to sit and stare at an elderly person is a waste of money. I’ve them twice and it was a total waste.
(1)
Report
Keep visiting as much as you can. Don’t stop. Doesn’t matter if she can only remember or tolerate you for 10 minutes. It’s ok.
Helpful Answer (5)
Report

See All Answers
This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter