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The book Boundaries by Townsend and Cloud has been a tremendous help to me and many others here. I hope you’ll read it and place personal boundaries to protect yourself from any further hurt. I’m sorry you’ve had this experience
You get up and walk away. Even if you only just arrived 2 minutes ago. We teach people how to treat us. End the visit and leave. And let her know why you are ending the visit.
I had to realize that my parent’s behavior is not going to improve. I have had to get up and walk away. Distance myself at times. It’s heartbreaking. I once confronted my mother about her comments. She turned the tables on me and said, “ I never spoke to my mother like that!” It was totally mind boggling! I have learned to immediately get off the phone or walk away. I understand how you feel. It truly hurts.
You are not alone SD. My mom doesn't have dementia, but almost every heart ailment there is. She is incontinent, and goes on a temper tantrum whenever she leaks a little bit. I am giving her care at my house 24/7. If I have to, I just walk away until she calms down or she calls for me. The frustration and screaming can't be good for her heart, and I'm afraid she is going to explode one too many times. This may not be the best strategy, but it seems to work for me. My mom's mobility has steadily declined in the 4 months I've had her. I'm hoping PT can help with that especially since she we won't let me lift her (the nurse showed me how to do it safely). Maybe she will listen to PT? I can only hope. I can't seem to get an answer on when to call in home hospice care. I'm so sorry you are going through this. Best wishes your situation improves.
Medicare criteria for hospice start with a signed statement by an MD that a person with this combination of illnesses may reasonably be expected to pass away within the next 6 months. It does not mean that a person absolutely will die in 6 months. Folks sometimes improve on hospice and graduate, some folks decline in slow but measurable and steady ways. And the person must have a 'hospice qualifying diagnosis" - ie, COVID is not, but end stage cardiac function can be. She may have vascular dementia due to poor oxygen to the brain and other organs, with cardiac impairments. Every hospice has an outreach team. This is also marketing, so I'd recommend a non profit hospice or one associated with a medical care system. Call your local Agency on Aging (google eldercare locator) for information about resources in your area outside of what Medicare covers. Medicare doesn't cover maintenance care, and that sounds like what she needs.
I have put up with a lot of things. But I have never been verbally abused but my Dad did holler to get his point across. I am sure that if I was in your position, I would walk away. Your Mom and sister have personality disorders and they will never admit they have done you wrong. The less you are involved the better. They won't change and can't change because they feel they aren't the problem, you are. See you have a weakness that they will prey on, you care. Yes, to them that is a weakness. And because you care you keep coming back and they keep abusing you. Stop going back. Say "no more". Stop looking for what neither of them have the ability to give, love.
My daughter just finished the book Borders and says it had some good points.
Joann29: I found your reply very helpful and clearly written. I don’t know why, exactly, but we who are “lovers & forgivers” with this “weakness” (love and kindness), must hear these words you wrote over and over again. Why? Maybe because we DO forgive and because we ARE kind —we believe in those values; love and kindness make the world a better place for all—that the world is sorely in need of. It’s not an easy way to live, especially if you are taken advantage of. Am I a fool? Nope. But when you believe in such profound concepts (love, kindness, and forgiveness), and commit to the practice of those behaviors in this life, you, of course, are someone worth knowing.
It took till I was in my 50’s before I figured out that mom likely thinks my kindness is weakness. Sort of like she thought I couldn’t figure out how to get what I wanted. In reality, I was following my values and beliefs, and willing to give up what I wanted out of love and concern that she was happy to get what SHE wanted. I often didn’t mind, because it made her happy and that was important to me. I went on to get two degrees. I know how to get what I want. I just would not exploit or hurt others to do so. That can be a tricky business if you don’t have firm boundaries in place. For most of my life, I did NOT have. Never, did I expect to learn that she did not respect me for these very respectable values. (But, she became corrupted by comfort and riches). I’m still trying to figure it all out and I’m getting there. My goal is to understand well enough so that I DON’T take it personally and can let it go, as my 5th yr. of live-in caretaking for her begins in my later life.
Bethin Texas, I hope my words helped a little. Joann made a great suggestion re the book Boundaries. Necessary reading for tender-hearts & pleasers. If you are “just done with it”, then you are. If you are ambivalent about a total disconnect, please know that you have people to hear you on this site.
Beth, such good advice here. With my mom, I finally learned to put in place the ultimate boundary: low contact and some times no contact. Just walking away as soon as she blurts works very well. These folks just hate to be ignored! From earliest childhood to present, Mom always delivered her insults in the most calm, collected manner with no shouting, no hysteria. Her calm, cool delivery (to my ears) lent an air of legitimacy to her lies. So I came to believe I was stupid, inept, inferior, clueless, i.e. a total embarrassment to her. Until I came to realize Mom was mentally ill and nothing could be done for her, least of all by me. I was crippled but not destroyed, and I could change. Lacking the capacity for ANY growth, any change, she couldn't. So it's been a long, hard climb out of the hole I fell into. Sometimes (now, in my old age) I feel like a butterfly emerging from its chrysalis. I wish I'd known as a child what I know now. Protect yourself, Beth. No one will do it for you.
I don't NOT CARE because I am NOT someone's nurse/cna/aide (or cook, maid, driver either).
Being the hands-on caregiver is not the only solution.
Late one night when I saw the movie 'August: Osage County' on TV, my feelings were validated. Merryl Streep is a bitter, sharp tongued old dame & Julia Roberts steps in but then needs work out her future role - balancing family duty, her own family needs & self-preservation too.
Your profile says, "Ellen is my biological mother. I do not call her mom anymore because she’s hurt me so much . I am looking for support, because I’ve cut ties with her and my sister. My sister tells my mother lies about me. I’m crushed."
I don't know what your situation is, exactly, but I'll tell you mine: I found my biological family in 2000. My biological mother had been dead for 7 years at the time, so I didn't get to meet her, which was probably a blessing based on what I've learned about her & her life. My 6 half-siblings were and are quite a crew of people that sent me nearly over the edge to a nervous breakdown upon meeting them. My father was kept a secret that my biological mother took with her to the grave. Truly a great story for the Jerry Springer show, unfortunately. I do not keep in touch with any of them, really, except for one half-sister, sporadically.
My adopted mother who I call 'mom' has a few personality disorders and is narcissistic to boot. I am her only child who she considers a huge disappointment b/c I'm not her biological child, despite the fact that I've been saddled with her histrionics and care for the past 64 years. She lives in Memory Care now and AL since 2014 b/c I refused to have her come live with me, for obvious reasons.
How do I deal with my mother who says hurtful things to me? In very small doses and as little as humanly possible. Biological mothers or adoptive mothers who dole out hurtful words & actions for our entire lives don't deserve having us as their daughters, in reality. We, on the other hand, seem to bend over backwards to BE the kind of daughters every mother WISHES to have.
Ironic, isn't it?
Deal with your mother on YOUR terms and no more than that. Know when to cry uncle and say ENOUGH. If you can't deal with her any longer, so be it.
You are important. You matter. You are a good daughter. Just in case nobody's said it to you before, I'm saying it now. Stop waiting to hear it from your mother because chances are, it will never come. Look for validation elsewhere b/c these types of women just don't have it in them to give it to us, even though we DO deserve it.
This is hard, God knows. We grow up watching movies of loving mothers, and I don’t know if it’s reality or luck of the draw, but personally, I can’t help but feel a bit cheated.
Now, I don’t know your situation, but my own mother has been through her own personal hell in her life. That’s no excuse, but it does explain a little about why she is the way she is.
My mother has delusional disorder. She believes in things (usually driven by her fears) that might be true in reality (as opposed to goblins living in the attic, or everyone trying to kill you, etc). Like, how she thought someone was always trying to steal her wallet, or how my dad was always having affairs.
It was the fact that I became her secret keeper at 17 and was forced to lie to my dad about her paranoid fears for decades that really goads me. And boy does she get mad when you “don’t believe her and are so naive”…. Watch out…
A crossed line…yeah, I’ve been there, too. I find time heals that. I didn’t talk to my mom for 8 months after her crossing that line at my wedding. Last summer, I dumped all the secrets on the doorstep and told my father about it all. Nearly destroyed the family, but I don’t regret it. I was ready to never talk to her again if she kept it up, but she changed her tune after she knew that she might lose me forever.
Just because we love somebody, doesn’t mean we can live with them - talk to them - be around them. Washing your hands of somebody is huge, but I’ve known others who have done it, made a clean break and never looked back. The abuse, the toxicity of the relationship was just too great.
If you can, take a break. After, test the waters and have a conversation. If it’s same old same old, just know that not all loves are meant to be. And that doesn’t make you a bad daughter. It makes you a strong person, not willing to be someone else’s doormat.
I think it is a case of stages - 1) You try to be polite 2) You say I will be back when you are in a better mood 3) You say I don't have to be spoken to like that 4) You admit them to a facility to maintain your sanity.
We eventually got to 4) and with it came 6 months of being the daughter and son-in-law from hell to whoever she was speaking to, and now we have a realisation that she is better off where she is and we can do no wrong.
It doesn't always work out well - but your health matters and if you have gone through stages 1-3 then a facility so you get some sanity and your life back before you ruin your health is the best option. We may owe our elders some duty of care (or not depending on your life with them before) but we do not owe them our health and mental well being.
If your mom has Dementia you change the subject and shorten your visit. With Dementia it is something she can not control..My mom was mean in the early stages but then sweetened up later. I cried many times after being verbally attacked. I got counseling to help me control my feelings not hers. If mom is just plain mean {no known Dementia} I would have very short visits to be sure she is safe and has what she needs. After a few times of leaving quickly she may decide to be nicer so she has company.
I know the feeling I actually stopped visiting as much as I used to and when she said something that hurt or drove me mad I just walked away unfortunately it’s what happens as they get older it used to stress me out but I decided it’s easier not to have as much contact with her every time she says anything just walk away it will make your life easier
My father had vascular dementia and it totally changed his personality. He became aggressive, abusive, and to some degree uncooperative with everyone. I placed him in an MC (because he was more cooperative with people he didn't know), needed more care and I knew I could not provide his hands-on care. I visited Dad once a week, always brought something he liked (a magazine, his favorite ice cream Sunday, or a box of fruit or cancdy) and I left if he became too abusive. Over time, Dad became a little less abusive and I became better at handling it. He had no control over his outbursts, he was with it enough to know he had an impairment, and the lack of control tapped into his abusive and neglectful childhood. I came to feel more sympathy with his outbursts and my change of attitude made dealing with him less painful. I remembered him as the strong man of my childhood and thought about how I would feel in his present circumstances.
I also found a mental break helped a lot. Go outside and drink a cup of coffee, walk around the block, even stepping onto the porch and looking around the neighborhood helped me. Just 2-5 minutes to take a few deep breaths and reset your emotions.
My mom does this all the time so I have set boundaries. If we are on the phone and she starts to start an argument because she is bored I tell her we can talk when she is feeling better.
If I am at her apartment and she starts then I say I have to leave because I am not arguing with you. I will see you later.
I take care of her from a distance and try to pop in for a short visit once a week.
My health and my life matters. I enjoy my children, husband and grandchildren.
Mom is well cared for with sitters. She enjoys my sister's company and I am just being realistic. She is who she always was only worse now with low mobility and dementia.
You say your mom is in Independent Living. I am going to assume (I know that is a dangerous thing to do) that she does not have dementia and it is as you say "age related issues" When she says or does something that hurts you or someone else you say. "I do not like it when you say that, if you continue I will leave" Or if you are on the phone say you will hang up. The next time she says or does something that you have told her hurts you get up and leave or hang up the phone. If you are out with her you say "we are leaving" and get up and leave. If it is a restaurant get a to go box if you want and leave. If you are in the process of driving turn the car around and drop her back off at the AL. NOW..if she has dementia the problem is filters are lost. So she will not remember that you said you do not like it when she talks that way. And it may be that she never talked that way before but due to damage to parts of the brain she really can't help it. But treat it the same way. Say, "Mom i have to go" and get up and leave. If you are on the phone say "Mom, I have to hang up now" and hang up. If this is a constant thing since she is living in AL you can minimize your time with her. It would be far different if she was living with you.
side note here...with the stroke it is possible that she may have Vascular Dementia that has not been diagnosed. This might be something that you want to discuss with her doctor next time. If you can think back over the past year have there been subtle declines that you might have chalked up to any number of things from oh, that is typical we all forget where we put something ... or ... we all forget a word once in a while or she just got over a cold and her balance is a bit off... or ... why would she wear a sweater when it is 90 degrees out.... all sorts of little things when placed together can build a picture that you can finally see. Just a thought.
I agree with the most common answer on here- you get up & walk away & I always try to remind myself that it's not really meant bc my granny has dementia & I think it's more the disease than her feelings spoken honestly. That may be different in your case & maybe not but that's best way for me to deal with it. Most of the time after I walk away & a lil time goes by I'll go back & find some reason to go test the waters & most of the time she has completely forgot bout it & everything is just fine so it goes back to normal. If she hasn't then I give her lil more time til she does & just stay away from her til she cools off but normally it doesn't take very long to be in good graces again. My mom doesn't know how I do it & I'm the only one in the family willing to tend to her so I don't have much option but to walk away bc I don't think I could live with knowing she needed help & I didn't try my best or I didn't try at all but it gets kinda hairy at times but I have walked away & cried in my room before bc it helped to just let it out at that point so just do whatever you feel will help you & her without making it worse or causing bigger issues. Everybody is different & what works for 1 may not help at all for another. So it's more of what you need to feel better but I'm sure if she's has any mental impairment then she prolly really doesn't mean it. I've learned to talk louder than I use to so my granny can hear me so it's my normal voice now but when she gets mad at me she tells me I'm screaming or yelling at her bc it's what she can come up with at the time. It's basically telling me she's not as hard of hearing as she tells me or I'd think but I don't let it bother me bc that's what she's wanting is to get me in an uproar & that's not happening so she just tried anything she can but when I walk away it's not possible to argue with herself so it stops. Lol. Hugs to you & may you find what works best for you & your situation!
You sound like me. My mom was so easy and never complained. Even with bone on bone knee pain. My dad bless his heart has a great mind but sometimes can be stubborn. You know when the knees hurt he moans and groans a lot. Sometimes he becomes testy. I finish the job at hand without saying a word and walk away. Sometimes like you, I go somewhere and let the tears come if my feelings are hurt. Occasionally I toss it up to God and say I can’t deal with this. I need help. Things always work out. We see eye to eye most the time. It’s just those occasional times he thinks I don’t understand. Inside I laugh I have had psoriatic arthritis for 34 years of course I understand, but like my mom before she passed. I suck it up and try to keep an upbeat attitude. Being positive makes you forget the pain.
I love Townsend and Clarke' s books about boundaries. They walk you step by step through dealing with problem behavior.
If your mom has dementia, she probably has reached the point where she has lost her "social filter" - whatever she thinks she says without thinking about it. We all have inappropriate thoughts but usually keep them to ourselves. She just can't keep from saying what she thinks. A lot of us also don't have good social filters after all the stress of the COVID pandemic. Some of us never developed a social filter.
My mom has more of "those moments" and they still irritate me. I used to try to correct her faulty logic but it only ended up in us both fuming. Now, I just make non-committal acknowledgements that I heard her or ignore the comment completely. I choose to change the subject to something healthier to think about. For those real "zingers" that are character assassination, I say, "I have never thought ______ about that person. I always find _______ (insert name) to be ________ (insert positive comment). Of course, you can think what you want about him/her." Then, I quickly change the subject.
I hope you can find healthy options to deal with her hurtful words that still preserve the relationship.
I agree with the suggestions. My MIL started making comments that she would never have said in the past. In that case, she would stop if I pointed out it might hurt someone's feelings. I don't think she no longer tracked the difference between thinking and saying . It is like at times she would be incontinent and not quite aware that she had been. "I think...?" she would say when it happened.
It definitely does hurt. I thought I’d lose it if 1 more person told me my mom didn’t know what she was saying or doing. I knew that, but it still hurt. So easy to say when you’re not the 24/7 caregiver.
My Mom told me once to get out and never come back. (Dementia). I kissed her on the cheek and said “Okay, I’ll see you tomorrow”. She said “okay, what time?” Those out bursts are can come and go.
First off, if you are going to be a caregiver for an AD patient, you MUST convince yourself you are able to take the abuse and embarrassment and hostility that are inevitable from someone whose emotions are so completely screwed up. They don't know they are being mean, they just react however they can. They have no idea they are hurting you, they are just reacting to a loss of their own identity and blame everyone for their mental emptiness! I speak with authority because I witness and experience this condition every day with my 83 YO wife of 63 years, and have for past 15 years. Every day I notice a new loss of memory or ability or comprehension. You never get used to it and it never gets better! My point is, if you aren't sure you can handle all this and much worse, then don't accept the job as caregiver cause it never gets any easier!
You are so right, it never gets easier! God bless you for your love and dedication to your wife. When I couldn’t stand any more of what my mom was saying I’d just go sit in the bathroom. I had video cameras in every room so I could keep an eye on her thru my phone.
If possible try to practice the art of distraction. Your mom is not the same person she used to be, so think or try to remember when she was good/nice. Not an easy thing to do. If the moments of her rants gets to be unbearable, walk away, call her later on after he has calmed down.
I can answer this only how I would feel and what I personally would do. I know people are sick but I don't care that some think it is o.k. to overlook the things that take place. It is fine if you can but there comes a point when you can't handle it any more. I would initially distract or hold my temper in but if it kept up, I would "start the talk process" which I know won't do any good but it will relieve my inner pressure. If it got too bad, I know I would explode, big time. Perhaps not right but I can't allow myself to be destroyed by actions of these people. Then I would think of removing the patient to a place where there would be appropriate care so I could be normal and have some peace. I could not tolerate this too long.
My mother is a narcissist and loves to get under my skin. When ever she tries it I just call her out on it loudly in front of everybody and she get the shame not me. As well I tell her Your approval means nothing to me, because I know you don’t have God’s love within you. John 5:41-42
BethinTexaxs: Imho, my own late mother uttered a statement far too mean spirited and shocking that I will not be able to repeat it here. They know not what they are saying.
Let's take this a step further...a "bird's eye view" if you will. Think about why you stay in any relationship. We are human beings and because of this, we are automatically social beings. We enter relationships because we expect them to make us feel better. We expect the other person in the relationship to build us up, appreciate us. Think about that boss, teacher, spouse, dad, or mom who never said anything nice to you, who always put you down.
What did it lead to? BURNOUT. You couldn't wait for the relationship to end or you distanced yourself from that person.
The problem you have in caregiving is this: You have NO place else to go. You are stuck in this unhealthy relationship. No appreciation. You feel you cannot escape. But you CAN... you have to...
So how do you handle this? You have to surround yourself with other caregivers who understand. Others who are kind to you. Others who appreciate you. I wish I could simply give my patients a pill to take called "Appreciation" and they could "take as needed". Since I can't, I give them "orders" to go find at least 5 good friends, preferably other caregivers, who they can spend time with when they need a "dose" of laughter, fun, or conversation. Getting away from this toxic relationship allows you to return to it and see it for what it really is...NOT a relationship, but a commitment you made to care for this other human being.
Thanks so much Suzanne! Wouldn't that be a blessing if they did have a pill like that. My oldest brother always tells me I need antidepressants only because he takes them and tons of medications including those I can't take and happy about that. The generic xanex helps me from my panic/anxiety attacks though. Wish I did have more friends, but unfortunately, most all of them are in Heaven now. I do have an old high school friend but never get to see him anymore and we just usually text and rarely chat on the phone but he's such a sweetheart and always so understanding and supportive as his childhood was surrounded by alcoholic parents and my dad was one also. My old time girlfriend when we worked years ago at the hospital doing ekg's she's always busy or with her boyfriend. So when I do go out which is rarely I go solo and I am very sociable. I'm also a jeweler by trade and sell on etsy and design now at my brother's jewelry shop like I did today since my mom lost her gallery due to lack of funds. I also caretake a 95 yr old near me 5 nights a week for approximately 4 hrs a night for some extra income. I live in FL also and hope one day to be living near the mountains with a majestic view. Thanks for being here for all of us. xoxo
Although hurtful, I try not to let it get to me. I realize it’s not her. But it still hurts, especially when I’m sacrificing so much to take good care of her. There’s many times I let her know that if I walk away, she’ll have no one to care for her. She believes my sisters will take care of her but that’s far, far from the truth. They are selfishly continuing in life as though my mom is not sick and believing I should carry the load alone. If my mom was in her right mind, she’d be surprised at her daughters’ selfishness.
A lot of us are in the same boat with difficult mothers. I recently finished a book that was life changing for me. "Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents", by Lindsay Gibson. Can't recommend it highly enough.
Such a great but sad topic for all of us who have been verbally attacked. I've lived with my mom for many years now and she is 92yrs., old now and very ill with many things wrong with her. When I was young she was the best mom in the entire world and my best friend. It's like living on a constant roller coaster ride that you can't stop at times and the hurtful words are nothing but power and control over us, to try and keep us isolated from ever having any fun or me time. God forbid when I do take some me time which is not enough, they use major guilt and narcissistic behavior. When I had some funds after my dad passed away after having a nervous breakdown, I moved out for over a year and had my own rental apt. While I lived alone I knew I had PTSD from all the hurtful actions she displayed on me. Now I'm trapped again having to live with her and one minute she's so sweet and then at times if she doesn't get her way immediately at the snap of her fingers she get's really angry at me. I choose to walk away immediately and either go to my room or go outside on our balcony to get away from her. I've been fighting another breakdown for the past 3 weeks and when I yell back at her and tell her off and state I'm ready for another breakdown, her reply is , so am I. Ha Ha Ha. If I tell her I feel sick, she says I feel sick as well. So I tell her don't compare me to you as I am not you!!! The other day when I had had enough I screamed at her and said I was going to move away and my 2 brother's could deal with her from now on. When I woke up the next morning, she asked me, are you really going to leave me..........and I stated no, not until you pass away. I do love her with all my heart, but stand up for yourself and let them know that when they verbally abuse you, it's abuse. If she didn't have 7 freaking warehouses to worry about financially every month that she won't let go of, maybe things would be different. She came close to passing away over 2 weeks ago as I sat next to her where she sleeps every night on the couch and I called my 2 brother's that morning as I was crying to them on the phone. My youngest brother did come over which really shocked me. My oldest brother said to me, it's just a matter of time before she goes. I soon will be seeing a therapist probably as a telehealth appt since I now have medicare thank goodness. At least that way I won't have to bug my 2 brother's, as I know they get sick of when I reach out to them via text. When she does pass on, I know it will hurt and I will have to find someone who will take me in and it probably will be my 1st cousin in VA. Take care of you and if you have the funds, get out and move on with your life immediately.
Therapy is the key to both healing and being able to function under the caregiving plan. Try to not take it personall because 1 to heads bumping together doesn't make for a clear mind. Take a break for the moment collect your thoughts, be firm and go on. Usually people react to reactions. Your mad they get mad, you holler they holler, you curse they curse...how about saying kind words, taking a leave, using clean language and being firm and making your point. Also try practicle things, look for an organization that send volunteers to those who arre caregivers, if they need sometime to shop, be alone etc. Don't wear yourself out so much that you break and in the end are no good for anyone. Do the best that you can so when they leave you can say I did my best.. This is just suggestion and not to assume you have not done your best. Have a wonderful day..
Sometimes you want things to always go the right way..However we are dealing with others who have different thoughts, emotions and health issues just to name a few. There are some things one could ask themselves in a situation such as mom saying hurtful things. What really it depends on is how long mom has been treating you this way? Did she just start this behavour since you started her care giving. Has she lost a mate, or someone close to her, could she be grieving? There are a number of things that could be triggering this behavior. What about her surroundings could someone be mistreating her. Otherwise if No! is the answer to the above then maybe you need to let her know in a gentle way she is hurting you by her actions and let her know why and perhaps she will reveal the under linning reason. Make sure she understands your care for her. Hope all ends up well..
I have said it so many times before.....when people are cruel and disrespectful to those around them, especially if they care for them, then the ties must be severed at once. Telling them to stop just doesn't cut it - they won't stop. If their actions and behaviors are negatively affecting you, then immediately make plans to remove them from your presence by placing them or putting them somewhere else. Never, ever allow people like this to destroy you and your life - you do not deserve that. There is no other option.
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It does not mean that a person absolutely will die in 6 months. Folks sometimes improve on hospice and graduate, some folks decline in slow but measurable and steady ways.
And the person must have a 'hospice qualifying diagnosis" - ie, COVID is not, but end stage cardiac function can be. She may have vascular dementia due to poor oxygen to the brain and other organs, with cardiac impairments.
Every hospice has an outreach team. This is also marketing, so I'd recommend a non profit hospice or one associated with a medical care system.
Call your local Agency on Aging (google eldercare locator) for information about resources in your area outside of what Medicare covers. Medicare doesn't cover maintenance care, and that sounds like what she needs.
My daughter just finished the book Borders and says it had some good points.
I found your reply very helpful and clearly written. I don’t know why, exactly, but we who are “lovers & forgivers” with this “weakness” (love and kindness), must hear these words you wrote over and over again. Why? Maybe because we DO forgive and because we ARE kind —we believe in those values; love and kindness make the world a better place for all—that the world is sorely in need of. It’s not an easy way to live, especially if you are taken advantage of. Am I a fool? Nope. But when you believe in such profound concepts (love, kindness, and forgiveness), and commit to the practice of those behaviors in this life, you, of course, are someone worth knowing.
It took till I was in my 50’s before I figured out that mom likely thinks my kindness is weakness. Sort of like she thought I couldn’t figure out how to get what I wanted. In reality, I was following my values and beliefs, and willing to give up what I wanted out of love and concern that she was happy to get what SHE wanted. I often didn’t mind, because it made her happy and that was important to me. I went on to get two degrees. I know how to get what I want. I just would not exploit or hurt others to do so.
That can be a tricky business if you don’t have firm boundaries in place. For most of my life, I did NOT have. Never, did I expect to learn that she did not respect me for these very respectable values. (But, she became corrupted by comfort and riches). I’m still trying to figure it all out and I’m getting there. My goal is to understand well enough so that I DON’T take it personally and can let it go, as my 5th yr. of live-in caretaking for her begins in my later life.
Bethin Texas, I hope my words helped a little. Joann made a great suggestion re the book Boundaries. Necessary reading for tender-hearts & pleasers. If you are “just done with it”, then you are. If you are ambivalent about a total disconnect, please know that you have people to hear you on this site.
Being the hands-on caregiver is not the only solution.
Late one night when I saw the movie 'August: Osage County' on TV, my feelings were validated. Merryl Streep is a bitter, sharp tongued old dame & Julia Roberts steps in but then needs work out her future role - balancing family duty, her own family needs & self-preservation too.
I don't know what your situation is, exactly, but I'll tell you mine: I found my biological family in 2000. My biological mother had been dead for 7 years at the time, so I didn't get to meet her, which was probably a blessing based on what I've learned about her & her life. My 6 half-siblings were and are quite a crew of people that sent me nearly over the edge to a nervous breakdown upon meeting them. My father was kept a secret that my biological mother took with her to the grave. Truly a great story for the Jerry Springer show, unfortunately. I do not keep in touch with any of them, really, except for one half-sister, sporadically.
My adopted mother who I call 'mom' has a few personality disorders and is narcissistic to boot. I am her only child who she considers a huge disappointment b/c I'm not her biological child, despite the fact that I've been saddled with her histrionics and care for the past 64 years. She lives in Memory Care now and AL since 2014 b/c I refused to have her come live with me, for obvious reasons.
How do I deal with my mother who says hurtful things to me? In very small doses and as little as humanly possible. Biological mothers or adoptive mothers who dole out hurtful words & actions for our entire lives don't deserve having us as their daughters, in reality. We, on the other hand, seem to bend over backwards to BE the kind of daughters every mother WISHES to have.
Ironic, isn't it?
Deal with your mother on YOUR terms and no more than that. Know when to cry uncle and say ENOUGH. If you can't deal with her any longer, so be it.
You are important. You matter. You are a good daughter. Just in case nobody's said it to you before, I'm saying it now. Stop waiting to hear it from your mother because chances are, it will never come. Look for validation elsewhere b/c these types of women just don't have it in them to give it to us, even though we DO deserve it.
Best of luck to you, my friend.
Now, I don’t know your situation, but my own mother has been through her own personal hell in her life. That’s no excuse, but it does explain a little about why she is the way she is.
My mother has delusional disorder. She believes in things (usually driven by her fears) that might be true in reality (as opposed to goblins living in the attic, or everyone trying to kill you, etc). Like, how she thought someone was always trying to steal her wallet, or how my dad was always having affairs.
It was the fact that I became her secret keeper at 17 and was forced to lie to my dad about her paranoid fears for decades that really goads me. And boy does she get mad when you “don’t believe her and are so naive”…. Watch out…
A crossed line…yeah, I’ve been there, too. I find time heals that. I didn’t talk to my mom for 8 months after her crossing that line at my wedding. Last summer, I dumped all the secrets on the doorstep and told my father about it all. Nearly destroyed the family, but I don’t regret it. I was ready to never talk to her again if she kept it up, but she changed her tune after she knew that she might lose me forever.
Just because we love somebody, doesn’t mean we can live with them - talk to them - be around them. Washing your hands of somebody is huge, but I’ve known others who have done it, made a clean break and never looked back. The abuse, the toxicity of the relationship was just too great.
If you can, take a break. After, test the waters and have a conversation. If it’s same old same old, just know that not all loves are meant to be. And that doesn’t make you a bad daughter. It makes you a strong person, not willing to be someone else’s doormat.
HUGS.
1) You try to be polite
2) You say I will be back when you are in a better mood
3) You say I don't have to be spoken to like that
4) You admit them to a facility to maintain your sanity.
We eventually got to 4) and with it came 6 months of being the daughter and son-in-law from hell to whoever she was speaking to, and now we have a realisation that she is better off where she is and we can do no wrong.
It doesn't always work out well - but your health matters and if you have gone through stages 1-3 then a facility so you get some sanity and your life back before you ruin your health is the best option. We may owe our elders some duty of care (or not depending on your life with them before) but we do not owe them our health and mental well being.
Thank you! Well said!
I also found a mental break helped a lot. Go outside and drink a cup of coffee, walk around the block, even stepping onto the porch and looking around the neighborhood helped me. Just 2-5 minutes to take a few deep breaths and reset your emotions.
If I am at her apartment and she starts then I say I have to leave because I am not arguing with you. I will see you later.
I take care of her from a distance and try to pop in for a short visit once a week.
My health and my life matters. I enjoy my children, husband and grandchildren.
Mom is well cared for with sitters. She enjoys my sister's company and I am just being realistic. She is who she always was only worse now with low mobility and dementia.
I am going to assume (I know that is a dangerous thing to do) that she does not have dementia and it is as you say "age related issues"
When she says or does something that hurts you or someone else you say.
"I do not like it when you say that, if you continue I will leave" Or if you are on the phone say you will hang up. The next time she says or does something that you have told her hurts you get up and leave or hang up the phone. If you are out with her you say "we are leaving" and get up and leave. If it is a restaurant get a to go box if you want and leave. If you are in the process of driving turn the car around and drop her back off at the AL.
NOW..if she has dementia the problem is filters are lost. So she will not remember that you said you do not like it when she talks that way. And it may be that she never talked that way before but due to damage to parts of the brain she really can't help it. But treat it the same way. Say, "Mom i have to go" and get up and leave. If you are on the phone say "Mom, I have to hang up now" and hang up.
If this is a constant thing since she is living in AL you can minimize your time with her. It would be far different if she was living with you.
side note here...with the stroke it is possible that she may have Vascular Dementia that has not been diagnosed. This might be something that you want to discuss with her doctor next time. If you can think back over the past year have there been subtle declines that you might have chalked up to any number of things from oh, that is typical we all forget where we put something ... or ... we all forget a word once in a while or she just got over a cold and her balance is a bit off... or ... why would she wear a sweater when it is 90 degrees out....
all sorts of little things when placed together can build a picture that you can finally see. Just a thought.
I've learned to talk louder than I use to so my granny can hear me so it's my normal voice now but when she gets mad at me she tells me I'm screaming or yelling at her bc it's what she can come up with at the time. It's basically telling me she's not as hard of hearing as she tells me or I'd think but I don't let it bother me bc that's what she's wanting is to get me in an uproar & that's not happening so she just tried anything she can but when I walk away it's not possible to argue with herself so it stops. Lol. Hugs to you & may you find what works best for you & your situation!
If your mom has dementia, she probably has reached the point where she has lost her "social filter" - whatever she thinks she says without thinking about it. We all have inappropriate thoughts but usually keep them to ourselves. She just can't keep from saying what she thinks. A lot of us also don't have good social filters after all the stress of the COVID pandemic. Some of us never developed a social filter.
My mom has more of "those moments" and they still irritate me. I used to try to correct her faulty logic but it only ended up in us both fuming. Now, I just make non-committal acknowledgements that I heard her or ignore the comment completely. I choose to change the subject to something healthier to think about. For those real "zingers" that are character assassination, I say, "I have never thought ______ about that person. I always find _______ (insert name) to be ________ (insert positive comment). Of course, you can think what you want about him/her." Then, I quickly change the subject.
I hope you can find healthy options to deal with her hurtful words that still preserve the relationship.
But leave so that you calm down. It still hurts.
When ever she tries it I just call her out on it loudly in front of everybody and she get the shame not me.
As well I tell her Your approval means nothing to me, because I know you don’t have God’s love within you. John 5:41-42
What did it lead to? BURNOUT. You couldn't wait for the relationship to end or you distanced yourself from that person.
The problem you have in caregiving is this: You have NO place else to go. You are stuck in this unhealthy relationship. No appreciation. You feel you cannot escape. But you CAN... you have to...
So how do you handle this? You have to surround yourself with other caregivers who understand. Others who are kind to you. Others who appreciate you. I wish I could simply give my patients a pill to take called "Appreciation" and they could "take as needed". Since I can't, I give them "orders" to go find at least 5 good friends, preferably other caregivers, who they can spend time with when they need a "dose" of laughter, fun, or conversation. Getting away from this toxic relationship allows you to return to it and see it for what it really is...NOT a relationship, but a commitment you made to care for this other human being.
Wish I did have more friends, but unfortunately, most all of them are in Heaven now.
I do have an old high school friend but never get to see him anymore and we just usually text and rarely chat on the phone but he's such a sweetheart and always so understanding and supportive as his childhood was surrounded by alcoholic parents and my dad was one also.
My old time girlfriend when we worked years ago at the hospital doing ekg's she's always busy or with her boyfriend.
So when I do go out which is rarely I go solo and I am very sociable.
I'm also a jeweler by trade and sell on etsy and design now at my brother's jewelry shop like I did today since my mom lost her gallery due to lack of funds.
I also caretake a 95 yr old near me 5 nights a week for approximately 4 hrs a night for some extra income.
I live in FL also and hope one day to be living near the mountains with a majestic view.
Thanks for being here for all of us. xoxo
I've lived with my mom for many years now and she is 92yrs., old now and very ill with many things wrong with her.
When I was young she was the best mom in the entire world and my best friend.
It's like living on a constant roller coaster ride that you can't stop at times and the hurtful words are nothing but power and control over us, to try and keep us isolated from ever having any fun or me time.
God forbid when I do take some me time which is not enough, they use major guilt and narcissistic behavior.
When I had some funds after my dad passed away after having a nervous breakdown, I moved out for over a year and had my own rental apt.
While I lived alone I knew I had PTSD from all the hurtful actions she displayed on me.
Now I'm trapped again having to live with her and one minute she's so sweet and then at times if she doesn't get her way immediately at the snap of her fingers she get's really angry at me.
I choose to walk away immediately and either go to my room or go outside on our balcony to get away from her.
I've been fighting another breakdown for the past 3 weeks and when I yell back at her and tell her off and state I'm ready for another breakdown, her reply is , so am I.
Ha Ha Ha.
If I tell her I feel sick, she says I feel sick as well. So I tell her don't compare me to you as I am not you!!!
The other day when I had had enough I screamed at her and said I was going to move away and my 2 brother's could deal with her from now on.
When I woke up the next morning, she asked me, are you really going to leave me..........and I stated no, not until you pass away.
I do love her with all my heart, but stand up for yourself and let them know that when they verbally abuse you, it's abuse.
If she didn't have 7 freaking warehouses to worry about financially every month that she won't let go of, maybe things would be different.
She came close to passing away over 2 weeks ago as I sat next to her where she sleeps every night on the couch and I called my 2 brother's that morning as I was crying to them on the phone.
My youngest brother did come over which really shocked me.
My oldest brother said to me, it's just a matter of time before she goes.
I soon will be seeing a therapist probably as a telehealth appt since I now have medicare thank goodness.
At least that way I won't have to bug my 2 brother's, as I know they get sick of when I reach out to them via text.
When she does pass on, I know it will hurt and I will have to find someone who will take me in and it probably will be my 1st cousin in VA.
Take care of you and if you have the funds, get out and move on with your life immediately.
Take a break for the moment collect your thoughts, be firm and go on. Usually people react to reactions. Your mad they get mad, you holler they holler, you curse they curse...how about saying kind words, taking a leave, using clean language and being firm and making your point.
Also try practicle things, look for an organization that send volunteers to those who arre caregivers, if they need sometime to shop, be alone etc. Don't wear yourself out so much that you break and in the end are no good for anyone.
Do the best that you can so when they leave you can say I did my best..
This is just suggestion and not to assume you have not done your best.
Have a wonderful day..
There are some things one could ask themselves in a situation such as mom saying hurtful things.
What really it depends on is how long mom has been treating you this way?
Did she just start this behavour since you started her care giving.
Has she lost a mate, or someone close to her, could she be grieving?
There are a number of things that could be triggering this behavior.
What about her surroundings could someone be mistreating her.
Otherwise if No! is the answer to the above then maybe you need to let her know in a gentle way she is hurting you by her actions and let her know why and perhaps she will reveal the under linning reason. Make sure she understands your care for her.
Hope all ends up well..