My 82 year old mother just moved in with me after a bad fall. She broke both bones in her lower leg and after surgery had to go to rehab. She lived with my brother in her home, but after 5 falls resulting in breaking bones in 2 years, it was decided she would be safer with me. She is very resentful at not being able to go home with my brother and is very combative with me about everything. Now 3 weeks in, I am just tired. She doesn't sleep well at night and wants to get up every couple of hours. I had to put a guard on the bed to ensure she doesn't get up on her own but I'm not getting any sleep and am feeling resentful that she sleeps most of the day. I can't sleep then because she will get up, or try to whenever she sees I'm not right there. Honestly I don't know what to do about it. She's very mean to me all the time and when I call her on it she says fine I'll go live with your brother. Her safety won't allow that and she doesn't get it. Any suggestions would be appreciated?
Put out the fire.
Quote by Penny Reid: “Don't set yourself on fire trying to keep others warm.”
You are already on fire. Your Mother's needs are extinguishing your own & resentment will start to smoulder.
Many of us have stepped in to help... but found the needs just too great. It happens.
Time to change the plan.
This is usually by adding oodles of home help (if possible/appropriate) or moving Mom into residential care facility.
Good luck with your new plans.
If you're tired after 3 weeks of dealing with her, you need to figure out alternate arrangements. First, I'd get her evaluated to see what exactly you're dealing with. Is she suffering cognitive impairment? What level of care does she require? 24/7? Then you go from there. Back home with caregivers or is your brother willing to stay with her all the time? Falls happen NO MATTER where an elder lives, by the way, even with safety measures in place. My mother has fallen 69x and it's been nobody's fault but her own. She does things 'her way' which means she takes NO precautions, pays NO attention, and would fall if she lived in a padded room! She lives in Memory Care now, where it's like a fortress, but she's taken 9 falls in the past 2 weeks alone.
Figure out what's best for mom AND for you. If you don't want to house her (and I wouldn't either), then figure out what Plan B is here, asap.
Good luck & Godspeed!
Your mother will not listen to you about your house being the safer option for her to be living in. No matter how well you explain this to her or how kind and patient you are with her, she will deliberately misunderstand and continue the terrible behavior towards you. Talk to your brother about what the situation was like when she was with him. Was he staying up all night long because mom kept getting up every hour? My guess is no. Did she behave abusively to him and not allow him a moment to himself because she demanded every second of his life? No on that one too because the resentment, anger, and abusive behavior is saved for you, and there has to be a hard NO on putting up with that.
Get your brother to explain to her why she can't live with him anymore. Then you tell her straight that living at your place is the last option for her. The next will be a nursing home.
I'm sorry to say but sometimes seniors need some tough love from their families when they start behaving like your mother is.
In the meantime, bring in some home/health caregivers to keep her up during the day. Or look into adult day care for her. This will keep her from sleeping all day. If the behavior and living situation doesn't improve then you'll have to her placement in a care facility. It doesn't make you a failure as a caregiver either.
No one wants to be told what to do, even if it is for their own safety..
1- Keep mom on a fairly strict routine. Make sure she doesn't nap for more than 20 minutes during the day so she gets her needed rest at night instead of during the day.
2 - Talk to her doctor about her difficulty sleeping during the night. She may be referred to a sleep specialist who can prescribe medications and treatments to help her fall asleep and stay asleep during the night.
3 - Talk to her doctor about the behavior problems you are experiencing with your mom. Part of her problem is anxiety or frustration and part it is not getting her own way. The doctor may prescribe anti-anxiety medication to help calm her agitation. He/She may also make a referral to a geriatric psychiatrist for evaluation and treatment.
4 - Get help, NOW! Ask family, friends, members of faith community and/or paid help to give you some "time off" caring for mom. It might be most helpful to pay for a sitter to be with her at night. This way you can get a full night's sleep while the sitter helps your mom throughout the night. Most sitters are paid minimum wage.
5 - Please consider that is may be time for your mother to be placed into residential care. If she won't cooperate and is making it too difficult to meet your own needs, she may need to be cared for by others. The staff can keep her to a routine AND deal with her nighttime issues which appears to be a 24/7 job right now. No one person can do caregiving round the clock and it is cruel to even think that you should try.
As for the meanness she is showing. It’s not you. She’s mad at her situation and most likely taking it out on you. The loss of their independence being taken away from them by their CHILD is what upsets them. I found myself frustrated and felt unappreciated. What worked for me was becoming “the parent”. I found my Mother needed guidance, assistance and for me to take care of her. And for that to happen, I became the Mother. I’m firm with her just like I’d be with my own children. If she says something mean to me, I address it just like I did with my kids. When she’s combative, I’ve literally told her that she’s worked so hard her whole life, that it’s time for me to be the Mother and take care of her. Believe me, I’ve had my moments of breaking but she truly is my responsibility now and I needed to take control. I’m sure my method is not ideal, but it’s worked for me. And now she likes it. She feels spoiled when I do things for her. I ask her “who’s the special Mom here?” She replies “I am!” ☺️