My Mom is only 76 but has been borderline personality all of her life but managed well, taking care of herself, as she is a very smart lady. Recently, she had been having hallucinations, delirium, and memory loss and needed to be in the hospital. She has been taking oxy for pain Klonapin, and antipsychotics for many many years. It turns out she had a really bad UTI that when cleared up she was almost back to being Mom again. She is incontinent so very susceptible to UTI's. She has been back and forth to several hospitals with relapses with behaviors such as hitting herself, spastic movements, yelling out, being nasty, etc. So needless to say she is like a rollercoaster with being my Mom one day and then all that I have described the next with not remembering what day it is or what I said to her a minute ago. The behaviors are now much improved with medication. Could not get a doctor to say Assisted Living or Memory care would be best. No one wanted to commit or give an accurate diagnosis(most likely vascular dementia) so I put her in Assisted Living with Memory care which is like assisted living but is locked with only 12 residents in a small unit. My mother is high functioning and there are many more residents that are worse off and she is having a hard time finding someone like her. So frustrated and it is only the first week but she calls me 20 times saying she is in hell and that I put her away in a nursing home. I don't want to pull her out too soon but so far she is so unhappy. Any ideas as to how long I should wait and see before I look for another solution? I am riddled with guilt over her unhappiness and not taking her myself. My husband and I are teachers for 25 years with no kids and have been planning an early retirement for years. She is physically healthy for the most part except for Arthritis and Macular Degeneration. My Mom is also low income and I was so happy I found an assisted living that takes Mass Health and her social security. Any thoughts?
Level of supervision of care she needs a nursing home or memory care.
I would do your homework in your spare time....check other places, tour, and keep checking unless until you find something that feels better. Sis has moved 4 times in the past year. Recent move last week I pray will be the last one. So far new people have been very good keeping me in the loop. Helping sis to use the phone so we could talk as they are on lock down.
Last facility screwed up her depression med list and made the med change and transition to new place absolutely horrible for sis she cried non stop almost the whole first day.
Each time we moved sis out of necessity for higher level of care she also had more and more problems adapting all over again to new system, new faces etc. Most places will require a 30 day notice to exit. and then need to plan to move at the end of the notice period. Has not really been easy for me since the hunt for places that would accept sis were limited in the first place, thousands more than sis got from retirement funds made it even harder. nearly 6 months later we got in to what I hope will be a decent place. Long wait list at the good places were impossible to predict when and if we would ever be offered a spot. Then toss in the nasty note from the nurse at the last place entered into sis chart notes, that prospective places undoubtedly saw when new assessment was done to size up sis as a good fit for placement.
Then, I tried visiting sis when she first began anger issue. thinking I could smooth it over for her, distract, have fun times. which we did, but did not change things or stop decline. Maybe made it worse as I always had to say goodbye and she would not remember or know when I was coming back. I even started calling before I left the house to say I am on the way. By the time I got there she forgot I was coming or why.
Memory care seems to have slightly different definition at the places I toured. Some programs seemed more engaging than others. Yes a wide range of residents and abilities. My sister could not make friends at any of the places she was at-she was having a hard time adapting in the first place-coping with her limitations physically and mentally it was tough to see let alone how she was feeling on the inside. she wanted a friend-i tried to be that too but it was never enough to make her genuinely happy again. I tried to be her everything. I wish I could have done more. Or maybe found a good place the first move with all levels of care and not needing to move again and again. For now sis knows I love and care about her she barely knows who I am.
I absolutely agree with the previous poster. Stop answering the phone. Don’t even consider moving her for at least three months, and don’t base your decision on how unhappy she says she is, OR how guilty you feel.
Your job is to find a place where she will be safe, receives nice meals, is helped into a structured appropriate day to day life, and is respected as a human being. You have done that.
Unless you wish to give your retirement to her before it begins, don’t consider inviting her to live with you. She has multiple complex diagnoses, and she needs 24/7/365 care, given by professionals who are trained to provide just that.
Your empathy is quite wonderful, and you will clearly never abandon her. But do see what happens in the next several months, and let the pros do their jobs.