How do you decipher between the era she grew up in or if it's just her terrible personality when she makes these comments?

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How do you decipher between the era she grew up in or if it's just her terrible personality when she makes these comments?

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Thanks to everyone for the advice on how to deal with meddling family members. I did finally get my profile filled out.

Now it's on to the day-to-day interactions with my mom. Regarding her daily comments, how do you decipher between the era she grew up in or if it's just her terrible personality when she makes these comments? You know, those rude comments that make your jaw drop. Is it due to their age?For example, I had 2 ladies over for coffee yesterday and invited my Mom. When they entered my house one of the ladies said "oh, I like your rug! It looks like a longhorn hide, neat!" My mom immediately said, "it's fake." Or if I say the sky is blue, I swear she'll say something like"maybe more turquois." Does anyone else's mom do this?

Alzheimer's & Dementia Communication & Language Relationships

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Mlee, I’m commenting again because I’ve been thinking a lot about your question of deciphering between when, or maybe how, your mom grew up and her personality.

Personal story: my dear grandma was the quintessential farm wife. She visited us in the suburbs infrequently; naturally, we preferred to spend our summer vacations on the farm so we could behave like banshees. Anyway, one summer she came to us and we took her to shop at a large import store in the city. Although now it’s become a chain and is quite elegant, in the early days this store was set up similar to Costco but messier - warehouse style with a concrete floor and crates and burlap bags of everything imaginable piled everywhere.

Walking through the busy store, grandma suddenly cleared her throat and spit on the floor! We were mortified to say the least.
We understood about farms and barns and concrete floors but could not fathom that grandma could not distinguish between those things and a store!

Grandma did not have the terrible personality you describe your mom as having; she was funny and creative and the ‘salt of the earth’ but she was losing her filters.
After that incident we learned to cut grandma some slack in her behavior but we also never again took her anywhere with a concrete floor. : )

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Reply to Peasuep

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I was expecting this to be more about racist or sexist comments. I remember taking my father to one of my daughter's softball games and him making comments about how one of the little girls was a 'fatty'. In what universe would that have been an acceptable comment? Never mind we were sitting right by her family. That was the last game I took him to. And he was still with it enough to be living on his own at the time.

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Reply to lkdrymom

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@Ikdrymom

Your father had a nasty streak then. His generation believed that it was okay to call kids a 'fatty' or any other cruel name.

Most people from his generation didn't give bullying a thought or the often life-long effects it has a child. My mother is as with it today as she was when I was a little kid. She's of that generation where they thought it "helped" a child if they were mocked and ridiculed about whatever issues they may have.

For example, I struggled with my weight since I was a little kid. My mother thought if she bullied me about it and encouraged others to do so that it would solve the problem.

She wasn't entirely wrong. I lost weight because I developed a very serious eating disorder. I gained a lot of weight when I moved back in with her. Therapy and getting the hell out of there helped me to lose the weight in a healthy way.

My generation (Gen X) is so much kinder and honest about life problems. We remember the days of bullying being something kids had to just deal with. We remember our often cruel upbringings by our 'Boomer' or 'Silent Gen' parents and grandparents and learned from it.

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The most popular series for people born in the 1930s was the original Twilight Zone, which made it repeatedly clear that the elderly were not the priority.

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Reply to PeggySue2020

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My first posted question here was about this. My now deceased dad was making comments in public that were so unlike him and often embarrassing. The answers I received were pretty uniform stating he had dementia of some sort and maybe I just wasn’t seeing it. Off to both his regular doctor and neurologist we went. At the end of all the assessments I was told dad was cognitively just fine, he had what was referred to as an old age loss of filters. We later visited an old teacher of mine, very beloved, respected, and kind. Now in her 90’s the first thing she told me was how much she was enjoying getting to say whatever she wanted! Dad wasn’t alone in the loss of filters. Once I knew it wasn’t dementia I picked my times to call him on the rudeness. Many things weren’t worth it, but some were, and he’d apologize. Now, there’s a part of me perhaps looking forward to my own loss of filters 🤗 My advice for now, just like raising children, pick your battles…

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Reply to Daughterof1930

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You really can’t but in my experience they always go back to the times when the memory issues started .. they usually think it’s still in that timeframe .. they think they still are working … driving .. with their spouse (if in reality they are no longer)or still live in their home (if in facility )

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Reply to Trixipie

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I can only speak from my experience. My mom has definitely become more rude and less socially aware. I think its due to her anxiety and beginning of dementia.

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Reply to Karsten

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I read your profile. Rural Wyoming. How beautiful and wonderful for you.

As far as your mother's rudeness goes, it's not her upbringing. People from her generation were taught social graces and manners when they were kids. If they were rude and made snide comments they usually got hit by the adults in their life or punished in some other way.

Her age really has nothing to do with anything. I was a homecare worker for 25 years and a supervisor at an AL. There were many elderly people who were not rude, snide, negative, petty or miserable. These were usually the ones who felt compelled to "speak their minds" even when no one asked for their opinion. They'd say anything simply because they felt that their age gave them to a free pass to be cruel to others or to instigate trouble. I never hestitated to put a person like this in their place right quick. Being old does not give a person a free pass to insult others or be a bully.

Your mother is a miserable, negative person. She's also jealous of you and your life. This is surely why she started up with the snarkiness around your friends about the rug being "fake". She wants to be the center of attention around your friends. The constantly correcting you over nonsense like something being turquios rather than blue is another example of her jealousy over your life. My mother is like this too.

You should not include her in your social life. Your friends came by to have coffee with you not her. It was nice of you to invite her, but don't do that anymore. Her participation in social activities with you should be limited to family events. She should not be included in your friend circle.

It is not set in stone that you have to continue having her living on your property. If she gets too difficult, move her into senior living. It would probably be good for her to be around people her own age too.

In the meantime, don't be shy about correcting her or putting her in her place in front of others when she starts up with the rude comments. You don't have to tolerate that. Many elders don't think they have to be respectful to their grown children and their homes. They do and often the adult child has to demand this respect.

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Reply to BurntCaregiver

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MLee, I do get it that your M is always there inserting herself into YOUR social life with comments that don’t sit well with you. I get it that you tried to do the right thing by having her live on your property, and you are well-and-truly tired of it.

BUT you are allowed to change your mind. You don’t have to be a martyr until she dies. You can say that it isn’t working the way you expected, that she needs more company geared for her own age, more activities she can take part in without you. There may be financial implications in all of this, but then there always are – and would have been if you had made different choices earlier on.

Please could you think seriously about M going to an Aged Care facility (even for a few months, she can always leave), and leaving you free to live your own life with your own friends and without a permanent commentary from her?

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Reply to MargaretMcKen

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My mom is just as bad. She insults me daily and tells people I kidnapped her and refuse to take her back to her house. She tells people that I am stupid and I am mean and hateful. She also insults strangers in public (your dress is ugly, I hate you hair, etc). We have stopped taking her out in public. Luckily she does not live with me or near me. She lives by herself 4 miles from me. I avoid having to spend time with her because she is so disrespectful, angry, and always unhappy about everything.

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Reply to Dianne4016

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@Dianne

If your mother believes you've kidnapped her and is insulting strangers in public, she likely has dementia and should not be living on her own anymore.

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You have to understand that her brain is DYING. That is what dementia is...brain death.
Stop thinking someone is horrible. That is the first step.
Only YOU are in control of your reactions.
You take what you get with whatever part of her brain is functioning.

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Reply to Cashew

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Thank you for your advice, however, my Mom doesn't have dimentia. If she did, my attitude toward her rude remarks would be much more understanding.

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Hi, Mlee, this happens, my mom is exactly like this.

I deal with it by accepting that we are now more the parent and they are the child. They are acting like ten year olds. They are angry at life and take it out on the main caregiver.

Best of luck

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Reply to Anxietynacy

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Thank you!

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They lose their filter and I think that is not just a Dementia thing but can be an old age thing too.

I found out at Moms AL that I knew the RNs husband, we had worked together. She later found out, because hevtold her, we had dated a few times. The RN says to my mother "Your daughter dated my husband" my Moms response "yeh, she got around". How embarrassing and so far from the truth. This coming from a woman who had me out of wedlock.

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Reply to JoAnn29

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Oh Mlee, you’ve made me laugh and cry a little at the same time. Your mom sounds like a ‘piece of work’ and I truly am sympathetic to your situation.

I hope your ladies weren’t offended by your mom’s comments - if they have elderly family members they probably weren’t.

Living so close to each other, are you able, for your own sanity, to keep most of your social activities separated? Does mom have any ladies of her own age you can help arrange ‘play dates’ with? If so, maybe she can, with a little help from you, entertain them in her own tiny home. Run a couple decks of cards and half a pound cake over and leave them to insult each other to their heart’s content.

Good luck!

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Reply to Peasuep

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Thanks!! Unfortunately, I moved my Mom here to my own territory, so all our activities are with 'my' friends. UUgghhh....
But I'm working on taking my own time and she is slowly finding her own groups to attend.
That will help, I'm sure

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Just chalk it up to a bit of both, with dementia thrown in for extra aggravation (I assume mom has some dementia since you put your question in the Alzheimer's/dementia category).

My mother always had a miserable, complaining personality towards her immediate family members. But when she got dementia and lost her filter, her behavior got outrageous. If I had a dime for every ugly and foul thing she said to me, I'd have enough dimes to buy myself a tiny house! The argumentativeness is horrible too. I couldn't say a thing w/o mom arguing it. Thank God she lived in Memory Care Assisted Living and not my back yard or I'd have had a nervous breakdown.

My suggestion to you is to stop including your mother in with your friends when you invite them for coffee. Get her signed up for adult daycare or activities that will keep HER occupied and YOU with free time to yourself. Keep your friendships separate and set down boundaries, or else mom will likely be over all day every day. And that's a big problem. Because her rude behavior will only get worse with time.

Best of luck to you.

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Reply to lealonnie1

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OOps, no dimentia for her. I must have clicked the wrong button.
Nope, she's just rude.
LOL

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I am thinking that you are experiencing "to much of a good thing is too much" because nothing you gave as an example is an issue for (me) someone looking in. Pretty benign actually.

Is it possible to send her to visit your siblings for a week or two or a month or two each? This would give you a much needed break and time to figure out how much contact you can honestly handle, I couldn't talk to, much less see my mom daily, I would have ended up completely batchitcrazy.

I want to tell you, just in case you haven't considered it, that it is completely okay to set and enforce boundaries with your mom, it is completely okay to say this is not working and we need to look at options that are available for mom, because caregiving only works when it works for EVERYONE.

Your life in the wilds of Wyoming sounds lovely.

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Reply to Isthisrealyreal

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I wish I could take your advice as it is good. But my Mom lives here on our property in a home that I built for her back when I thought it was a good idea. Dumb me.
All of my siblings are 1000 miles away with absolutely NO interest in helping. I guess they're the smart ones.
Got myself into this situation and now just trying to make the best of it.

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If Mom is losing her filter , (and her personality seems to be on steroids) , it could be dementia .

You won’t know unless she is tested or you start seeing other red flags .,

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Reply to waytomisery

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Thank you! But she's been tested and has no dimentia.
I didn't realize that I had hit that button. Sorry for the confusion.

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At my age, I wouldn't answer any DEMANDS about anything.

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Reply to Dawn88

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So is this NEW behavior, or is this just "mom".
That is to say, has she always been a bit like this or is this a big change for her? If this is a change, and has been worsening with onset of dementia, then Mom may be suffering the effects of her disease. Just try not yourself to take it so seriously. Just respond with "You know, you are exactly RIGHT". If this is just mom? Well, then it is just mom, you know, and not a whole lot to be done about it.
Your examples kind of make me laugh. She's a literalist.

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Reply to AlvaDeer

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If these examples are the worst behavior that you dislike, I'd say you have lived a sheltered life.

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Let’s eliminate “the era when she grew up.” That smacks of age discrimination.

Rude is rude no matter what a person’s age. Hold her accountable for now, which is when she’s making the remarks. Be aware that her brain may be losing its filters.

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Reply to Fawnby

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I was helping my mom outside her place one day and she demanded that I take her patio furniture and dispose of it. I went to go put the chairs in my vehicle and one of her neighbors came by and asked what was going on. My mom said
"He's taking my patio furniture to his place because he lives on the side of town where people will steal stuff off front porches and I want to get rid of this stuff".

I still have no idea where that came from or why she said it.

Welcome to hell...... Welcome to hell.....

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Reply to Jhalldenton

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How do you decipher between the era she grew up in or if it's just her terrible personality when she makes these comments?

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