My father was never mean or abusive but never really matured enough to take an interest or provide for his three children. After our parents divorced when we were in our teens, my father rarely communicated with us. About five years ago my brother rescued him from living alone in a run-down apt in another city, and brought him to a subsidized apt in my brother's beautiful town. Now my dad is 90 and his small retirement does not cover his expenses. My older brother and I have to provide a lot of financial support to pay for his group home and personal expenses. I had long ago expected nothing from my dad but now it feels painful to give up my hard-earned money to a parent who did so little for me. Younger brother refuses to give him money or time. I love my dad because he gave me life, but I don't like him for who he became. Now he is bored and lonely and calls me every week to talk--which I graciously do. Older brother lives nearby my dad and takes on the vast majority of his extra needs--of which I am very grateful (because I wouldn't want to do it!). I visit four times a year to help out and send money monthly. My dad has no idea how we all feel, and is not capable of honest self-assessment. I would like to feel less resentful.
If not already, his desease will progress where he shouldn't be left alone.
My Best To You....
It sounds like you and your siblings see this situation as something you are morally obligated to do. You aren’t!
You are not responsible for your parents' lack of planning.
I know that sounds mean/cold/cruel. But it's the truth.
Caifornia's version of Medicaid is called MediCal.
I'm also going to assume that the financial sacrifices you are making now will not put your own security at risk. If that isn't so, then none of this applies and you and older brother both need to think again.
But based on those assumptions, and that you just want to feel better about doing this: how you behave in general towards other people is not about what they deserve, it's about what you are like.
So in this case, your fulfilment of what you see as a duty towards your father (his care) and your older brother (meaningful support for him) shows what you are like. You are a person who acts on a responsibility when you have decided to accept it, and does so with appropriate boundaries.
Your father may not have matured, but you most certainly did. You should be proud.
With your brothers’ (yep both of them) find out exactly what your father is entitled to under state and federal aged care and hit them up for the lot. Ask your father about his life. Is he entitled to any services from Veterans Affairs. Does he have super or pension money sitting somewhere untouched. One of you will have to get financial and health POA This will lessen financial burden. Where he ends up ask about visiting services by local church groups and such and arrange for someone to visit.
The only way to make peace with this is either to limit your help to an amount you can feel good about, or to view it as a gift you are giving older brother, to keep him from bearing the whole load himself. If that doesn't work for you, then you need to rethink the whole idea of providing help except maybe in a dire emergency. JMO.
That’s to the point!
I do like the post by Countrymouse - if the financial drain is too much for you and/or your brother, you should seek help. Initial consult with Elder Care attys are usually free (have all your questions ready before the visit!) They can guide and/or suggest options. If it isn't a huge drain, then it speaks volumes of you (and one brother) and your values! It might lead to some resentment when it curtails your ability to enjoy life, and it likely burns a bit that he didn't bother with you when growing up, but that's in the past.
If you can afford it (albeit it means giving up something yourself) and there are no options available, this may just be something you have to live with (as for YB, you likely can't make him chip in. that comes from the heart and basically you can't change other people, only how you perceive and deal with them.)
I would suggest you seek EC attorney, probably best to use one in the state mom and dad live in (I know this was about dad, but your profile indicates your brother is caring for your mother too.) You can locate some there using:
https://www.naela.org
Locate some in their area and call to ask questions about free consult, whether they handle Medicaid applications or VA benefits, etc. No point in wasting time, even with a free consult, if they don't cover the issues you have! If any of you have POA, that will help managing finances, etc and hopefully you have medical waivers too. If not, the EC attorney *might* be able to help, if the dementia hasn't progressed too far. It may require getting guardianship (EC atty and court costs for this are not cheap!)
Grace + Peace,
Bob
I believe that “religion” meant for the father and mother to actually BE a father and mother, and provide for and support and nurture their children, not just shrug off all responsibility then show up later and reap the benefits. I can’t imagine that even the most repressive religion meant that parents are free to shirk their legal and moral duty toward their children but still be honored for...what? Just breeding?
My parents divorced when I was very young and my father also chose not to be part of my life. My mother had to move heaven and hell just to get minimal child support from him and he avoided spending time with me. Now he tries to initiate contact with me and I suspect it is for the same reason as your dad—he realizes he needs someone to take care of him now that he is elderly. I have no guilt at all about ignoring him. I have plenty on my plate taking care of my mom (she is in memory care and her dementia has convinced her that I abuse and steal from her, so she hates me now) and he is in his own. He didn’t want the responsibility of having a child, so he doesn’t get to reap the benefits of having one either.
When dad calls, tell him that you resented that he was not there for you.
I wish that who you are, what you are doing, brought you more peace than it does, for it SHOULD. It's too late to say "You weren't there for me and now I abandon you". I think YOU are the one who couldn't live with it.
Basically can't tell you how much I admire you. And I wish only that you have PEACE from it. Because that's what you deserve, if ever anyone did. Hugs to your BIG brother and for the youngest, my deepest sympathy. Wish he could help a bit, if not for DAD, then for YOU and your other bro.
The way I have made peace with this is that I had to change my way of thinking. My helping her is not really for her. My financial support is securing my future peace of mind. I know myself well enough to know that if I abandoned her to be homeless and helpless I would feel a tremendous amount of guilt that I didn’t help when I could help. I don’t have to provide her with the best life has to offer and cater to her every whim. I just need to help her survive in a clean and safe environment. She can’t afford assisted living and she is not infirm enough to need a nursing home that would be paid by Medicaid.
So don’t see it as doing it for him. See it as an investment in YOUR future peace of mind. When he is gone, you and your brothers will know you did what you could to help him even if he didn’t entirely deserve it.
He is as mean as he ever was. He spits pills out at the nurses and gets combative with them. At least now I know, that he is mean not only to me and my sibling but to the rest of the world.
i wouldn’t feel obligated if I were you to pay for your father, but I admire you and your brother for providing for him. But I don’t condemn your other brother for not helping him at all. I’ve been there and I can empathize with you and your brothers.
and did not judge or punish Him.
In the end the only person you have to answer to is you. If you can look at yourself in the mirror and live with yourself for what you are doing or not doing then that is enough. Some people don't have it in them to be parents. I tell people now "Sometimes all your parents do is teach you how not to be." That was true with my dad and true with yours as well. I am glad you have some sibling support in your brother.
I look back now and have peace. I wish that for you as well.
Anyway please consider yourself and what is best for your family.
Maybe help him find a solution as you extricate yourself from a situation you do not want to be in. And if he is not cooperative, you just need to give him notice and do what it is you want to do.
Whatever you decide, you want to feel good about it.