I have been living with my 89 yr old mother for 4 months now since she broke her hip, diagnosed with Parkinsons and mild dementia. I want my life back. Today was a bad day and I yelled at her and now I owe her an apology. I feel life just stinks right now and I don't see it getting any better and I'm so tired of everything landing in my lap and my brother and sister don't do much. That's my whine of the day. Any positive suggestions would be most welcome. Thanks.
Also, I found that going to church on my own has REALLY helped me focus and relieve stress and recharge my batteries, I have become more calm in my situation. I have been caring for my 85 year old Mom for a year now, she lives with us and has cancer. I had an emotional meltdown last year when all of this hit our home but I truly tell you church saved my mind, body and soul from all of this stress. I try to go weekly and pray in a quiet peaceful area of the church and it feels like my feelings of anger, frustration, guilt..etc., all clear away. You being there for your Mom is a blessing in itself, look at the privilege you have in being with her, when she is weak, you be her strength. Believe me you will see things differently when you turn your frustration to prayer. Sending you lots of love, hugs and prayers in this journey but you are not alone ever :)
If you are going to continue to live with your Mom you will not get "your life back" until she moves into Memory Care or Assisted Living, someone else begins to care for her, she dies or you do. (sorry to be blunt)
You will get angry, you will get frustrated, you will loose your temper. Not one care giver can honestly say they have NEVER lost their temper, gotten angry, yelled,..
If she can not live on her own and you can not continue as a caregiver start looking for Memory Care facilities. You could go Assisted Living but with any dementia she will eventually have to move to Memory Care and how would she adjust to another move. And it depends how well she can manage on her own at this point if she would qualify for AL.
Might be time to have a Family Meeting and discuss options.
If you can not manage the way things are and siblings hesitate about placing Mom then it would be time for you to "give your notice" and move out.
I just don't think any sort of suggestions for "handling" things or somehow having a more positive attitude is going to help much in this scenario.
So how can you "live?" Not "lose yourself" or feel like you have to shut-down emotionally to protect yourself? Recognize you can only do so much. Get hired help, Senior day care or living facilities. You have to have breathing time! Listen to music, escape to the movies, get a hobby, exercise - I know both sides. Lord, I was having comfort food pig outs and had to stop, turned to exercise and it's better. You feel physically better and have time to yourself to let your mind calm. Keep a journal, let those feelings vent! Keep up with this site, the information and insight is worth it's weight in gold and you're NOT ALONE!
As for wanting your life back, it will come back eventually, but make sure you don't set yourself up for a massive guilt trip. Okay, you yelled. We all have our moments of regret. Learn from it and bend next time. Once your loved one is gone, it will be the memories of what you did to make their life comfortable to the end that will grow the next chapters of your life.
It's a heartbreaking, thankless task that can overwhelm quite easily being a caregiver. But you can not sacrifice yourself either. Don't rule out counseling, or being frank with your family in asking for help. Reach out to friends for a scheduled girl's night... I hope this helps. Speaking for myself, I've asked the Lord multiple times, why me? It's a tough road to walk on... Apparently I have bigger shoulders than I want. I try to make a joke of it, imagine the size of a new jacket with these shoulders, Joan Crawford would be so jealous. But I try to see the humor. I smell my jar of peanut butter weekly (First things to go can be smell - so if you can still smell peanut butter, you're safe). My family laughs at my production number with the peanut butter jar, trust me.
In short, (too late...) Don't let yourself slide out of control while on this path. Keep yourself close, vent, find something to hold onto and ride the wave. Best of luck to you and take comfort, you are not alone.
I have learned to really compartmentalize each day, sometimes each hour, and take things one day, never more than one week at a time. Do small things for yourself when you can...it adds up. I call it the bank of me. A good cup of coffee, watching a sunrise, etc. all add up. I also avoid people who brag and make me feel like I need to defend myself, where I live, etc. I learned from having hospice for my mom, that having a helper is sometimes necessary and that I cannot depend on "friends" or her family for anything. It is ok to hire a helper, even a couple times a week helps.
My best advice is PLAN ahead as the situation will need more attention as time goes on. This site is a great source but also ask friends their advice. What about Mom's friends - anyone who can be there for even 1 meal a week. Take the small donations of time. Your friends?? It's ok to ask - if they know you and Mom they may be willing to come over for a couple of hours while you take a break. Prepare yourself with medical and financial powers of attorney if not already done.
Once you have some assistance you can take time for you. I know when feeling aggravated and hopeless it is harder to think clearly. I am an only child with no children and Dad is an only child. He is 92 living on own and receives 10 hours a week free help from the VA and I have 2 hired people for meals. Managing his life, home, groceries, appts, and the helpers gets to me too but I'm always seeking back up help in case and always asking people. Dad is under palliative care which is part of Hospice where a nurse visits every 4-6 weeks and I can call her if needed. I'm trying to keep Dad at home.
Also Department of the Aging in your area can be a great resource. It is important to get help lined up so you can have time for you. Last year Department of the Aging my gave me $500 after filling out a simple form to cover hired help for Dad. Attend care giving meetings if in your area. Resources are there.
Best of luck and keep tuned to this wonderful site.
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