I have been living with my 89 yr old mother for 4 months now since she broke her hip, diagnosed with Parkinsons and mild dementia. I want my life back. Today was a bad day and I yelled at her and now I owe her an apology. I feel life just stinks right now and I don't see it getting any better and I'm so tired of everything landing in my lap and my brother and sister don't do much. That's my whine of the day. Any positive suggestions would be most welcome. Thanks.
Six months ago, I began to take music lessons, and will soon be beginning to address my very long term goal of learning to play the tuba.
When I am practicing, I become refreshed and transported. I participate in a very nice ensemble and enjoy it. So far I have not had to miss any rehearsals or concerts because of my caregiving responsibilities (I also care part time for my adorable grandchild).
If you are able to figure out what you would choose as an amazing life dream, you will be able to do SOMETHING, if even for just a few minutes at a time, throughout your caregiving day.
There is no better time to fixate on a Dream and put it to work for yourself, than NOW. The neatest part for you, JeanMarie67, is that neither your brother nor your sister have to be given any share at all in your search for YOUR DREAM and its subsequent pursuit. It will be SOLELY YOURS! GET GOING- DREAMING is easily done IN SMALL,, even TINY time increments, and it’s FREE!!
Now as to purchasing my DREAM TUBA, I WILL have to figure out how to finance THAT.........
i live 300 miles from mom, handle everything. when i am not working i am traveling and visiting mom.
When it gets to much, I drink. i know its not healthy, but two hours of playing loud music and doing yoga in the kitchen while drinking a 6 pack of lite is working for now. that is all i have time for. i made an appointment for counseling but by the time i get the whole story out, i have answered my own questions, come up with a game plan. I find my cat listens as good as a $200 hour therapist.
healthy solutions? Eat right, drink water, walk and talk to any who will listen.
Peace
My best advice is PLAN ahead as the situation will need more attention as time goes on. This site is a great source but also ask friends their advice. What about Mom's friends - anyone who can be there for even 1 meal a week. Take the small donations of time. Your friends?? It's ok to ask - if they know you and Mom they may be willing to come over for a couple of hours while you take a break. Prepare yourself with medical and financial powers of attorney if not already done.
Once you have some assistance you can take time for you. I know when feeling aggravated and hopeless it is harder to think clearly. I am an only child with no children and Dad is an only child. He is 92 living on own and receives 10 hours a week free help from the VA and I have 2 hired people for meals. Managing his life, home, groceries, appts, and the helpers gets to me too but I'm always seeking back up help in case and always asking people. Dad is under palliative care which is part of Hospice where a nurse visits every 4-6 weeks and I can call her if needed. I'm trying to keep Dad at home.
Also Department of the Aging in your area can be a great resource. It is important to get help lined up so you can have time for you. Last year Department of the Aging my gave me $500 after filling out a simple form to cover hired help for Dad. Attend care giving meetings if in your area. Resources are there.
Best of luck and keep tuned to this wonderful site.
However, learn to forgive yourself because you are only human, and people with dementia can be stubborn. My mom suffers end-stage Alzheimer's big time, and it's been a very rough past last five; the last year or so it was very bad. I thought my mom went into a coma the other day (she will be 90 next month) and slept very peacefully, so I was okay with her dying at home. This morning I was hugging her and telling her how much I love her and I wish I can always be with her, and she wakes up completely, drinking water and I'm about to call 911 for IV fluids and the possibility of a PEG tube. She is wide awake -- that is what changed this care plan. I'm telling you the truth she really was near coma the other day and now wide awake.
I have learned to really compartmentalize each day, sometimes each hour, and take things one day, never more than one week at a time. Do small things for yourself when you can...it adds up. I call it the bank of me. A good cup of coffee, watching a sunrise, etc. all add up. I also avoid people who brag and make me feel like I need to defend myself, where I live, etc. I learned from having hospice for my mom, that having a helper is sometimes necessary and that I cannot depend on "friends" or her family for anything. It is ok to hire a helper, even a couple times a week helps.
I just don't think any sort of suggestions for "handling" things or somehow having a more positive attitude is going to help much in this scenario.
Also, I found that going to church on my own has REALLY helped me focus and relieve stress and recharge my batteries, I have become more calm in my situation. I have been caring for my 85 year old Mom for a year now, she lives with us and has cancer. I had an emotional meltdown last year when all of this hit our home but I truly tell you church saved my mind, body and soul from all of this stress. I try to go weekly and pray in a quiet peaceful area of the church and it feels like my feelings of anger, frustration, guilt..etc., all clear away. You being there for your Mom is a blessing in itself, look at the privilege you have in being with her, when she is weak, you be her strength. Believe me you will see things differently when you turn your frustration to prayer. Sending you lots of love, hugs and prayers in this journey but you are not alone ever :)
If you are going to continue to live with your Mom you will not get "your life back" until she moves into Memory Care or Assisted Living, someone else begins to care for her, she dies or you do. (sorry to be blunt)
You will get angry, you will get frustrated, you will loose your temper. Not one care giver can honestly say they have NEVER lost their temper, gotten angry, yelled,..
If she can not live on her own and you can not continue as a caregiver start looking for Memory Care facilities. You could go Assisted Living but with any dementia she will eventually have to move to Memory Care and how would she adjust to another move. And it depends how well she can manage on her own at this point if she would qualify for AL.
Might be time to have a Family Meeting and discuss options.
If you can not manage the way things are and siblings hesitate about placing Mom then it would be time for you to "give your notice" and move out.
https://www.agingcare.com/articles/not-everyone-cut-out-to-be-a-caregiver-162192.htm The article looks like it stops due to being asked to read another article, but keep on scrolling as there is more to that article.