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You are being more logical and realistic than your husband. Your prior experience with living with your MIL should speak for itself. I would definitely get counseling for you and your husband. She shouldn’t be part of it because I’m sure she will appear as a sweet little old lady in counseling and neither of you could be honest in front of her. You will not be able to set boundaries or schedules on an 86 yo. If she has lived by herself for some time, she is used to only catering to her own whims and needs. The lack of social skills will maker her impossible to live with. She doesn’t have the social skills necessary to live with others in close quarters. She will be completely dependent on both of you for entertainment and interaction. And since she will be giving up her independence, she will have anger and resentment issues. I just moved my 99 yo mother in a small guest house. It has been the worst mistake of my life. She is so angry and she is making us miserable. I wish we had just hired people to assist her. She would rather have died on the bathroom floor than moved here.
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bigsun Dec 2018
Thank you for answer
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Tell hubby you’re out of the picture if she moves in again...you will probably end up being caregiver to his mother and your hubby too since he is so much older. She’s probably your grandma’s age. She needs minimum ASsisted living. & hubby should continue to work ft in order to pay for it
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Not sure how to help, but following, because I am in a similar situation myself.
But I would say if she comes, I leave. You have been through the same situation before and you both know that the outcome isn't any good.
If you have a possibility, put your well being to the first place.
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bigsun Dec 2018
Right on. Good
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Being a nurse and being married to a nurse, I imagine that you can shed light on a question that I have.

Is it true that Doctors do not treat their own families because it is to difficult to be objective when you are emotionally involved and attached to the person you are treating?

Please let me know.

Thank you.

I read that he cries when you talk about putting her in a facility, could he be mimicking her manipulative behavior because he saw how effective it was?

I also wonder if a small travel trailer on your property could be a solution to 2 households. You can put a ramp on it, hook it up to utilities, you would have to help her with the black water tank as you don't want to leave that open, you will end up with a pile of crap, litarally, but that is a pretty easy chore compared to biting your tongue off to be pleasant all the time.

We have actually done our landscaping and hardscaping with the idea that we may have to have facilities available for family. We even planned an enclosed yard around the trailer so animals could come if need be.

Hugs, this is your rock and a hard place.
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"She doesn’t drive and is hard of hearing. Otherwise she’s in fair to good health and has her mind still. She spends almost all of her time completely alone." Not wanting to live alone and no longer being able to live alone are two different things. She's lonely and that makes her situation worse for her. But it's her choice to avoid engaging with life.

What transportation for seniors is available where she lives? If she's hard of hearing, what safety features may need to be installed in her home? Deaf people still manage to live independent lives with some modifications.

I would not move her away from her church. I quite like the idea of asking her pastor to include her in home visits. Perhaps they have transportation to get her to church? Do they have weekly Bible study? It is very important for old people to be around their peers just as it is important for you to be around yours! I also agree that your husband needs counseling.
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Is she eligible for any type of aide through medicare or medicaid? Personally I would never tell my spouse/significant other to choose me or their family member. Are there no support groups that she could attend? Being alone/lonely is quite devastating. I am sure depression is playing a huge part in this for her. In my opinion even if she were to live with you she needs some friends/family/neighbor/Church members to visit & spend time with her. Does she have any other relatives or friends that can spend an hour or so with her a day?
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We have not heard from the op since the 19th. I wonder where they are?
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It's time when you SAY it's time. Period. If you cannot go on with the current situation...then it's time. There's no magic number.
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