My 70-year old mother just ended up in the hospital this week. She lives overseas. She ate contaminated meat (pork) that resulted in a blood infection. At first, we thought it was just food poisoning, but she started getting fevers on/off and one of her eyes was super red, swollen, and painful. This was when she had to be taken to the ER.
My mother has high-blood pressure and was advised to avoid fatty food like pork. She also, at some point, was borderline diabetic, and was advised to limit her rice intake. But she never listens (eats 2-3 cups of rice per meal and is even PROUD of it). Can you imagine? That's like 6-9 cups a day! Now, she has become a full blown diabetic. It was only a matter of time.
My senior parents don't have insurance. They were here in the US and after I spent for their entire trip including meals, lodging, entertainment, etc ($3K on flights alone), they are now asking if I can help pay for medical expenses.
This is besides the point, but when I was 6, I was sexually abused by our landlord and my parents didn't do squat about it. Swept it under the rug for no one to ever talk about. Recently, I brought this up because my mother and I fought, she told me, "you're so blessed now", like my trauma is supposed to just vanish because the only thing that matters is my "blessed" life now.
I'm sorry for this rant and being off topic. I'm just sick of my mother not listening. I'm sick of helping her. I just come from a culture that strongly instills "filial piety" and I feel so conflicted.
My Mom's neurologist told us that it's better if a physician speaks to Mom or Dad about things like this. She told us that you will always be their child, so generally they will not listen to you. But, coming from a physician, they might, but no guarantees on that either.
Sometimes with my Dad, he even got more stubborn with one of kids. We let the docs take care of all communications like yours.
‘Filial piety’ in most cultures (including Biblical) stems from a time when there was no social security or any other Government assistance for the elderly. Family was it. We now all pay taxes to spread the load of looking after people who need it. You are paying for people in the US. Your parents were wrong when they assumed that you had ‘won the lottery’ and were now an endless source of money. Treating them extra well on their visit probably made that assumption even worse.
‘Piety’ is about reverence (particularly religious). NOT about MONEY. Not about mindless obedience to someone who is being stupid.
I’d suggest that you don’t get into an argument (either written or phone) about what you will pay for. Just stress your affection for her, your hope that she will feel better when she follows the doctor’s advice. "Let's just see what is needed after you go with the doctor's instructions". Just ignore the money.
I wrote her age incorrectly. She is turning 71 this month and I am the one that's 41. I corrected it.
The problem with where I'm from is if you're earning USD, they convert it to the local currency and it ends up being a lot. But what they don't realize is the cost of living in this country. Yes, I am earning in USD, but I am also spending in USD.
My dad texted me again yesterday saying that he feels bad he recently was a paid (a large amount) for a project, but they spent it all on medical bills. He's not the type to ask for money from me nor does he think he's my responsibility, but I know my mother pressures him... a lot. So if he asks for money, it's not because he wants to, but because my mother is asking him to. His mindset is more Westernized, while my mother is quite typical and backwards.
At this hospital, they were urged to set up their government insurance so they can get covered in some way, but because they currently have legal issues with their marriage, my mother cannot be added as a "dependent", so my dad was too embarrassed to fill it out.
I really wish I had siblings, at least I would have someone share responsibilities with or just even talk to. It sucks that it all falls on me.
You brought them to a country where medical care is the highest in the world. You need to get them back home. Forget free bed possiblilities. It is the chronic condition of diabetes, expensive meds and multiple doctor visits that will be higher than if she was insured. You will even find it difficult to find a primary care doctor for her as a charity case.
As far as responsibility for your parents, if they are of sound mind, tell them what you earn as if you were talking to teenagers. Where does your money go to pay for your home, etc, then show them her bill. This is not sustainable. You will all be homeless and they will still become deported if you cannot sponsor them. Oh and get the social worker at the hospital on board while she is still hospitalized.
Im going to suggest two things, first that you find someone, a professional, to talk to and work some of these unresolved issues with. For your mental health and life moving forward. If you don’t have children you can get it done before you do making that so much more enjoyable should you decide to do it.
The second thing I’m going to suggest is that you take Beatty’s suggestion and figure out how much of your income, after putting away for your own retirement, you can give without hurting yourself financially or what percentage of your net you can spare to contribute to supporting your parents. Not pay for Moms or Dads medical bills specifically but to help support them and do that, feel good about doing that. Your culture doesn’t tell you to be a well of money for your parents it tells you to help them financially when you can. Paying for them to take a trip to visit you should make you feel good not resentful, you do it for you because you want to see them and because you get pleasure out of seeing them enjoy themselves not because you feel you have to do this special thing for them. If you are counting pennies or signs of great fullness, comparing this money spent to that money spent or not you shouldn’t be doing it. Again easy for me to say but if you are sending them $300 a month to help with expenses thats $3600 a year, about what you spent on their trip, which do they prefer the monthly income or the expensive trip? Which do you prefer or feel most compelled to give them?
I can’t afford to financially support my parents so I support in emotional and practical ways but again I come from a different culture and to a large degree my culture expects parents to do the financial supporting (not right after a certain point either). I wish I could offer more from personal experience that’s closer to yours culturally but I can’t. Maybe looking for a therapist with similar experience culturally would be even better if you can find that but a therapist would still be number one on my list of suggestions. Remember while giving them a fair shot is important people don’t always gel and that goes for therapists too so if you just aren’t feeling it with the first person don’t worry about finding someone else, they might even suggest someone if you can bring yourself to tell them it just isn’t working for you, therapists know that no matter how good they are it doesn’t mean they work for everyone. It’s kind of like finding a mate, you may be dating a terrific person but the spark just isn’t there for you.
Hang in there these aren’t easy things for anyone and even if you are the 41 year old it’s still early to be dealing with such significant parent aging ailments and needs.
let it go…
As to your abuse when young, no, it isn't beside the point. It is in fact the point. Your parents were responsible to protect you and they did not. Why would you protect them now?
I know there are likely cultural norms here that I can have no idea of and you must make your own decisions. My heart goes out to you and I wish you well.
And yup, mom's gonna eat what she wants to eat. I am 80, and so am I going to eat what I want to eat. Period. Why in the world would I care if I don't live to 100?
I certainly hope your consistently sound counsel is heeded. But I fear it is not…silly, weak people are going to keep making those same mistakes, keep being used, taken advantage of, and overworked. Because? Some people equate “martyrdom” with “doing what is right.” Oh, people…
Its hard to break away when u have been raised your here at your parents demand. Most Americans don't feel this way. We raise our kids, hope we have done a good job and allow them to go out in the world. They marry, work, have children and as parents we are part of their lives but not #1, their family is. As parents we should be finding new things to do.
I think the book Boundries by Townsend and Cloud would be good for you. It's Christain based.
Moms eating, nothing you can do about that. Its not pork that effects BP its smoked pork as in Ham. Ham has a lot of salt. The problem with pork is that it needs to be cooked very well or it could have trichinosis which is a parasite which seems to cause the problems Mom had. I would not worry about what she eats if she doesn't but by not controlling her diabetes she is killing herself. She could lose her sight a leg. It effects the organs mainly heart and kidneys. The medical bills are high with insurance let alone none at all.
The first rule of elder care is "not everything can be fixed".
The second rule is "sometimes there is no "good" solution, only the least bad one."
Filial piety dictates that you sacrifice your life for your parents, right?
If you subscribe to that, then I guess leaving home shouldn't have been an option. You should have stayed, or followed them and taken whatever abuse they heaped on you or allowed to happen.
Cultural traditions that bind some folks are generally misogynistic and limiting of human endeavor. They cramp growth, development and crush the human spirit. They contribute to depression and anxiety.
I don't believe you (or I or anyone) "owe" your parents anything. And I was taught that by MY parents.
Let your mother do as she pleases.
Your Mother will eat what she wants to, especially if she is doing the cooking & shopping. If someone is doing the cooking for her she may still have influence on the menu & portion size.
Even if you lived in her house you couldn't change her eating habits much. But you live overseas.
I guess you will have to find a way to let go of this issue.
I am truly sorry about your past trauma. I have sympathy for the pressure to provide funding too. Do these issues need to be snowballed together or can they be separated out to be delt with?
Do you have any suggestions on how I can possibly do that?
Where is filial piety from parent to child? Why do parents have the right to control you with that concept but you can’t expect protection or understanding from them under the same concept? Why are you so unimportant?
The truth is that you ARE important and deserve better from your parents. You can’t do anything about what your mom eats. You can’t fix her medical problems. All you can do is live your best life and let her live hers while you continue to free yourself from beliefs that have no relevance to your life and the culture you’re in now.
Good luck!
The thing that jumps out at me is your comment on ‘filial piety.’ We have heard this term from another poster who is also in a crazy situation and it seems like she will never break free from her mother.
You sound very similar to the other poster on the forum. This saddens me because no one should ever participate in a culture that demands filial piety.
Do whatever you need to do to break free from this belief. My gosh, being a family member doesn’t mean that your mother should have control over you like a cult leader has over their members!
Speak to a therapist. Your culture and parents have programmed you into believing this lie. It’s nonsense!
You owe your parents nothing. They weren’t there for you as a child. Why should you be there for them now?