I do not exactly know what I am expecting posting this question but how the hell do you manage caregiving and marriage?
My husband and I have been caring for his mother with dementia for 10 years. He will be 36 next year and I will be 35 next year. I hate what our lives have become. I have grown to resent my friends and family for having lives while I feel stuck. To go on a simple week long vacation we have pay around 4k because the only place that will take her for respite care is a high end luxury facility in New York.
We have tried marriage counseling but that is short lived because everyone wants to frame me like I am some monster because I hate his MIL for what her and this disease has done to our lives. I get my husband is trying to do the right thing cause yes his mother would not last a year in a basic facility she is far too high maintenance. She behaves like she thinks she is royalty. Everything has to be done a certain way or she baby rages.
My husband does his fair share but it sucks watching him try because his mother treats him poorly because in her head her son and I are out living our best lives. So he views him as just some stranger that her son is paying for to take care of her.
After 10 years I am at a breaking point. I love my husband and do not want to leave him. He is also right if he just did what is most convenient instead of what was generally the best he would not be the person I loved. His mother is doing well and very healthy outside of her dementia. She still has friends and gets plenty of engagement with her community and social interactions thanks to the efforts of my husband.
Things have gotten worse because I refuse to pretend everything is okay. I tell her every day I hate her. My husband gets annoyed because it does make things awkward because all she wants is to be around me, and she largely ignores him. I wish I could give him whatever she sees in me to him because he wants that relationship with his mother. He still tries to find ways to get his mother back and here is am wishing for her to die because she has made the last 10 years a living hell. I feel caregiving has killed a part of my very soul. I do not even recognize myself in the mirror I feel so hateful and bitter.
My husband is a fair and great man but I hate that he loves his mother so much. I know if he had the money he would place her in the place we put her for respite in a heartbeat we just cannot afford it room and board start at 14k that is not counting care.
My husband refuses to place her in a place he would not feel comfortable living in himself which I get. I did not sign up for this but I figured I could do it, and I did do it. Maybe it is just hormones or what talking because I saw my life vastly different from what it is now. Figured we would have two kids and a house. My husband gave up his dream job to for a job he hates because it pays more.
Sorry for the rant I just hate what it has done to my life and swear if the system cannot provide better for those that did not prepare as a means to punish them for not. That is messed up because it also impacts those that get stuck with the illusion of choice between caring for a parent and watching them suffer. I get it he made his choice but it is not much of a choice.
Your MIL behaves like a spoiled, high-maintenance, entitled royal princess because you and her son ENABLE this behavior. You two have been maintaining the status quo and have been for the last ten years. If you stop maintaing the status quo, your MIL will get used to being less pampered, less waited on, and less demanding because she will have no choice but to adapt. She will also adapt to life in a memory care facility that is not a Four Seasons hotel branch because she will have to. You'd be doing her a favor ignoring her "baby rage" now because it's sure going to get ignored in a memory care facility.
Your husband chooses his mommy over his wife. He should not have married. The day you two put the rings on each other's fingers you became consecrated to each other. Not to his mother or yours. He is not honoring his commitment to you. If he won't, then it's time for you to go and find a man who will.
So here's the solution. Your MIL gets permanently put into a memory care facility that she can afford. It will not be the high-end one you put her in for respite care either. The two of you can be good advocates for her in memory care and make sure she gets decent care. You can bring in good meals for her if the food isn't great. You can wash her clothes at home. You can get her a privately-paid hired companion a few hours a week to spend time with her. She can do well enough in a memory care facility if the two of you are advocating for her and keeping on the facility to provide decent care.
So, you don't ask your husband this today. You TELL him. If he refuses or tries to guilt-trip and gaslight you about MIL going into care tell you're leaving, then go. You deserve better than a man who will never put you first. What happens if he fathers a child with you? You'll be on your own with a kid because mommy and her dementia care needs will come before any children too. So you think about this.
You'll be 35 years old. You won't stay young forever. If your man won't put you first in his life, find one that will while you're still young enough to build a life with someone.
You and your hub are not responsible to provide for all mil's "wants" nor for her happiness. Caregivers provide for "needs" such as food, shelter, cleanliness, but not necessarily "wants" like extremely expensive respite. And certainly not "wants "at the expense of the caregivers' mental and physical health, financial security, and marriage.
This has gone on too long, You need to set some boundaries for yourself as to what is and what is not acceptable to you. You can't change your husband, you can't change your mil, but you can change yourself. Often when one person in a relationship changes, others do too, but not always. You set boundaries to make your life better for you under the circumstances you are in,
When you wrote "I want more time with my husband", that was a cry from your heart. Let him know that you want, in fact, need, more time with him for your relationship to be healthy. See if the two of you can work that out. If he cannot or will not respond to your need, you have to set consequences
In my view, a fair and great man. attends to his wife's needs before he attends to his mother's wants.
State your feelings with "I" statements, state your needs with "I" statements. State the consequences with "I" statements.
"JIm, with all this caregiving, I am missing relaxing time with you and us doing things together. The last 10 years have been very hard on me and have not been how I pictured our lives. I need more time with you doing things together apat from caring for your mother. If we can't find more time for us together. I will have to go out by myself and with friends for some relaxation. It's not what I would prefer, but I need to be doing more outside of looking after your mother."
or words to that effect.
There is a book often recommended here called Boundaries by Cloud and Townsend. I suggest that you read it and apply at least some of it to your life. Not all churches/faiths support putting a parent before a spouse.
If your husband manipulates couples counselling to his preferences, then you could find someone for yourself and go alone. You can get support for you and your needs.
Wishing you all the best. It's not rare to see adult children sacrificing themselves, their dreams and their marriages on the altar of caregiving a parent, but it will never be the right choice.
His wife has needs.
His mom has wants.
He has ignored his wife’s needs in favor of his mom’s wants and that is not ok
I sure hope we have given OP some good talking points.
I can’t believe you are giving up having kids for this mess.
He should NEVER be spending your marital income on mother, never. Her income needs to be used for her care and management. If she does not have sufficient income, she applies for Medicaid like the rest of the poor slobs who need care for dementia but can't afford it. She can baby rage till the cows come home too, she'll get over it.
You say your MIL would not last a year in a basic care facility. How do you know that? She's lasted 10 years in your home which sounds like a hostile environment! So many folks make this blanket statement and it's rarely true. My aunt was dying at home in her daughter's home before she was placed in a Medicaid SNF with a roommate. Lo and behold, she perked right up after admittance and went on to live 5 more years!
You have a marriage problem, not a MIL problem. Truthfully, it's not her fault she's living in your home against your wishes, it's DHs fault. He's put his mother above YOU, his wife. And that's not okay.
You are not a monster for feeling the way you do, I'd feel the same way I'm sure. You are young and so is DH. How old is MIL???? With AD, she can live 20 or more years, you know that right?
If I were you, I'd move out of that house and tell DH it's you or his mother, not both. 10 yrs is way more than enough to have devoted to this woman. It's your turn now, for you and DH to have a real marriage or for him to stay devoted to her. He can't have it both ways, imo.
Best of luck to you. Sending you a hug and a prayer for a resolution to this mess.
She gets away with it at the place we send her for respite because the place matches her vision in her mind. A medicaid facility does not plus the level of engagement would be a fraction of what she gets now. I have done my own research and even places I went to tour and visit after explaining the things we do with my MIL they even said they would not even do a fraction of what we do.
She is 72 healthy as an ox outside her dementia.
You need to figure this out and come to a decision whether you can continue like this or need to leave. Only you can decide this. No you are not a monster for not wanting to be a martyr.
These should be the best years of your life and your marriage. This situation is destroying it. You will not get these years back. If you want children, do you really want to raise them living like this?
He’s not looking to change this situation.
He even finds marriage counselors who try to persuade the wife that this is how she should live .
It is difficult to fathom that you would choose to remain in your current situation unless/until major changes are made. However, every individual's situation is different, and the choices are yours to make. The first step is to be very aware that there are OPTIONS. There are CHOICES. You are NOT an indentured servant.
You have already surrendered 10 years of your youth, but at 35 you still have a lot left. MIL has effectively run your household, although it is NOT (or should not be) hers to run. IMO, placement needs to be a consideration. When/if the time comes that my husband (94) and I can no longer "do" for ourselves, we will need home care or placement in a facility we can afford. Our adult "children" are in their 60s and work F/T. They are not our ultimate old age care plan. Question: had MIL been diagnosed with dementia at 62 when she moved in with you?
It's terrific (for her) that your very demanding MIL has church friends to socialize with, but the role of the church should NOT be to support her while relegating you to a subservient position. The stance of many religions on the treatment of women is a major reason why I walked away when I was 18, and I have never looked back. If your "great" husband continues to revere mom and religion over you, his wife, that would be a deal breaker (for me).
As far as your MIL’s high expectations ….. TO BAD. She doesn’t have the money for a grandiose facility . That’s just a fact of life . She’s not the first person that will have to adapt to a facility . Do you plan on doing this another 20 years ? She’s not going to be the first person unhappy in a facility either .
But she’s the one with dementia . She’s the one ill , but you are who is unhappy . Your husband is allowing his mother’s illness to destroy you and your marriage . Meanwhile his mother his happy as a pig in you know what . This is wrong on so many levels.
Dementia is an awful disease . But it is your MIL’s disease . It should not be ruining 3 peoples lives and a marriage . I placed my own parents in facilities , it sucks , but was necessary . Their problems became too disruptive for my family , maintaining a marriage and still had my youngest ( teen) child living at home .
I also only worked part time for a decade so I could help my parents be able to stay at home before placing them . They were placed when they needed 24/7 care. I was not moving in with them or having them live with me . I knew that would have ended my marriage .
“ Doing the right thing “ affected my income and retirement savings because I did not work full time . That really wasn’t fair to me . My parents refused to let hired help come in the house and they could afford it . I now regret not setting better boundaries . I was groomed by my mother to be their caregiver .
Your MIL can not live in an overly staffed facility with constant attention because she can not afford it . I’d like a beach house too , but not happening. We don’t all get what we want , and especially not at the expense of someone else’s life , marriage , and finances .
Your husband is using her dementia as an excuse for your lives to be upended because his mother is a spoiled high maintenance brat with expensive expectations . She needs a reality check that she can not afford the Ritz Carlton of facilities . Your husband needs to take off the mama’s boy shorts and put his big boy pants on and MAN UP.
I don’t have an answer for you , your husband seems totally brainwashed , and easily manipulated by his mother’s demands . And you defend , your husband’s choices . I don’t see your life improving unless you leave and rebuild your own life .
NEVER involve yourself with a “man” that puts a parent over a spouse.
See All Answers