How do you take a dog away from a person with dementia?

It's sad that this so called friend took what could have been a good arrangement that was beneficial for all parties and ruined it. It sounds like her must have some kind of addiction or mental health issues.

It is hard to believe you are not making this up.
However, if you are for real, I am sorry for you for allowing yourself to be a doormat. Everyone here will tell you the same thing. You need to get out now and move to the Y or a homeless shelter. Get help for yourself.

A "friend" asked me to take over his responsibilities as caregiver for his 91 yr. old Mom, so that he could open a restaurant. He knew that I was homeless at the time so he offered room & board plus $300.00 per wk as compensation. Also note, i I was expected to be available 24/7 but he would "try" to afford me one day off per week. He also knew that I had no experience with this type of care and add to that, she was very resentful of my presence and refused to let me assist with toileting/ bathing/changing clothes.
He gave me a vague idea of what was expected of me at the start so I researched everything I could find regarding elder care and job descriptions. Did my best to keep up but I became exhausted because she didn't stay asleep and got out of bed constantly through the night. He hired another caregiver who she was comfortable with to shower her 3 times a week...he paid her $120.00 per week for a total of 6 hrs of work...well earned, I'm certain but I am expected to clean house, all laundry including his, all shopping and cooking. Also asked for sex trying to disguise it by calling it a romance. HAH! He is rarely home but starts demanding I follow additional "rules" out of the blue. Crosses boundaries, like my privacy, and talking to me with absolutely no respect. Raging tantrums and unreasonable expectations. Soon he tells me he cant pay me this week ...bad month at the restaurant. I soon realize he is using her funds to keep his business going but its only mos. and sinking fast. Promise to reimburse everything i spend of my hard earned pay because he cant provide enough up front to cover food, household products, Depends, medications and vitamins...etc. I am also trapped because my car doesn't run. The only vehicle available for me is a huge diesel truck that mom cant get into and I'm not supposed to leave her alone.
Then suddenly he accuses me of neglecting her..which couldn't be more untrue. I cant leave at this point, dead car and no money left to fix it. Yes, the more I insisted on reimbursement, the worse he got with new accusations and temper tantrums. I dont know where he coming from because it now 10 months, Mom is thriving (but still says she doesnt like me) and since he found a girlfriend he returns home for clothes once a week. He then decides to be the best caregiver ever for his mom because he walked away from the restaurant he opened less than a year in. Quite th businessman right? He walked away after disolving almost ALL of her very substantial asset accounts. Now he wants me to care for mom when he needs to be gone and help him sell this house because "he's broke". I am still trapped here although a dear friend paid for my car repairs, tags, etc. But he refuses to pay me or reimburse me for money I've already earned and spent on Moms care and this household, until the house sells. I have all receipts for what i spent and notes on all the weeks he short paid me. Also note that he hasnt missed paying the woman who does her showers EVER. And has never ever treated her with an ounce of disrespect.
A couple of days ago, I had to call the police because he started throwing a temper fit and throwing my belongings in the trash. The police told him what he had to do to evict me from this house. This is all coming at me from a so called friend who made promise after promise including this one " Susan, you will always have a place to live no matter what."
Welcome to my nightmare...

A "friend" asked me to take over his responsibilities as caregiver for his 91 yr. old Mom, so that he could open a restaurant. He knew that I was homeless at the time so he offered room & board plus $300.00 per wk as compensation. Also note, i I was expected to be available 24/7 but he would "try" to afford me one day off per week. He also knew that I had no experience with this type of care and add to that, she was very resentful of my presence and refused to let me assist with toileting/ bathing/changing clothes.
He gave me a vague idea of what was expected of me at the start so I researched everything I could find regarding elder care and job descriptions. Did my best to keep up but I became exhausted because she didn't stay asleep and got out of bed constantly through the night. He hired another caregiver who she was comfortable with to shower her 3 times a week...he paid her $120.00 per week for a total of 6 hrs of work...well earned, I'm certain but I am expected to clean house, all laundry including his, all shopping and cooking. Also asked for sex trying to disguise it by calling it a romance. HAH! He is rarely home but starts demanding I follow additional "rules" out of the blue. Crosses boundaries, like my privacy, and talking to me with absolutely no respect. Raging tantrums and unreasonable expectations. Soon he tells me he cant pay me this week ...bad month at the restaurant. I soon realize he is using her funds to keep his business going but its only mos. and sinking fast. Promise to reimburse everything i spend of my hard earned pay because he cant provide enough up front to cover food, household products, Depends, medications and vitamins...etc. I am also trapped because my car doesn't run. The only vehicle available for me is a huge diesel truck that mom cant get into and I'm not supposed to leave her alone.
Then suddenly he accuses me of neglecting her..which couldn't be more untrue. I cant leave at this point, dead car and no money left to fix it. Yes, the more I insisted on reimbursement, the worse he got with new accusations and temper tantrums. I dont know where he coming from because it now 10 months, Mom is thriving (but still says she doesnt like me) and since he found a girlfriend he returns home for clothes once a week. He then decides to be the best caregiver ever for his mom because he walked away from the restaurant he opened less than a year in. Quite th businessman right? He walked away after disolving almost ALL of her very substantial asset accounts. Now he wants me to care for mom when he needs to be gone and help him sell this house because "he's broke". I am still trapped here although a dear friend paid for my car repairs, tags, etc. But he refuses to pay me or reimburse me for money I've already earned and spent on Moms care and this household, until the house sells. I have all receipts for what i spent and notes on all the weeks he short paid me. Also note that he hasnt missed paying the woman who does her showers EVER. And has never ever treated her with an ounce of disrespect.
A couple of days ago, I had to call the police because he started throwing a temper fit and throwing my belongings in the trash. The police told him what he had to do to evict me from this house. This is all coming at me from a so called friend who made promise after promise including this one " Susan, you will always have a place to live no matter what."
Welcome to my nightmare...

Deirdrenardi, I hope others will see your question, as it is on the end of an older post. If you don't get many responses, you might start a new thread and see if that helps.

I encountered your issue with my cousin who has dementia. She loved her cat dearly. It was the most important thing in her life. The problem was that her dementia caused her to obsess about the cat. It had to be in the same room with her at all times, she was terrified the cat could escape through a crevice the size of a pea, she grew very anxious and it stressed the cat out to the point that it was spraying and not using its litter box. She would not leave the cat alone for even a minute. My cousin had to enter into Assisted Living because she could not care for herself, according to her doctor. It was obvious.

I explained that I would care for the cat while she was in AL getting rehab. She was very upset to part with the cat, but I took photos to her and comforted her. Not long after that, she stopped asking about the cat. If I mentioned it, she would smile, but not ask any questions. I had to return the cat to the no kill shelter that she had adopted it from years previous.

A year later and she has NO memory of her cat. I hang photos of cats in her room in the Memory Care Unit and she smiles, but she has no idea that she had one. To me, the welfare of the pet has to come first. It sounds like your mom is unintentionally harming the dog. If she were thinking clearly, she would not want you to allow that. I say go with any story that works. I would try to avoid stressing your mom, so I might say the dog needs grooming and will be back later, but you know what your mom would accept.

Its a horrible decision to have to make. I adore my dogs. (1 1/2 and 5 1/2 years old) At 70, I worry constantly what would happen to them if I were to get dementia. I plan to write instructions for my daughters to make arrangements if they outlive my ability to care for them.

I have an 87 year old mother with dimentia in a lovely memory care home. She was able to bring her small dog with her which I believe is saving her from completely melting down there. She is able to bring the dog to most activities. However we have a dog walker 3x a day, and mom forgets that the just went out an hour ago, gets anxious and insists on taking the dog out. She has even struck a nurse trying to stop her. All of her anxieties and aggressions stem from having a dog. Surely the dog is stressed as well. She also drags the dog by the collar, not trying to hurt her, but even so. We have someone who will take the dog and has raised this breed for years. The dog would have another dog as a companion. But I know it will break my mom's heart. However it is likely she will forget after a while. We were thinking of saying the dog has to have an operation and her granddaughter is going to care for her while she recovers. Hoping she will stop asking.

I struggled with this for nearly a year. Mom had two elderly dogs who were both going on the floor in the living room where I sleep at night. A friend said to me, "The insanity is not that she's letting it happen, but that you are. I said it would kill her and he said that no, it would make her mad, but it wouldn't kill her. That woke me up. When I went down that night, I said, "Mom, I know how much you loved your Mom. Would you have let her live month in and month out in urine and feces?" "She looked right at me and replied that she would not. I took them to a rescue shelter the next day abd they were "elder-dog adopted" together.

Thanks, the dog is an elderly Jack Russell (still high energy) who would immediately rip something like a diaper off - of that I'm 100% sure or I would have already tried going that route. Also, Memory Care staff are not paid to change doggie diapers or for that matter clean up the dog messes which they have begrudgingly been doing for the last 6 mos. My question is not how to cope with the soiling problem (because I think they are deliberate due to high anxiety), but how best to make the separation of the dog from my mom. It has been suggested by staff that we tell mom that the dog is at the vet. Mom has extremely short-term memory and this will work for awhile but not on a long-term basis. I guess I am looking for a miracle.

PamelaN, there are dog wee-wee pads that one can buy at any pet store... hopefully the dog can learn to use one of those pads. I know this sounds gross but have your Mom or the Staff save a tiny bit of poop from the dog's last accident, then when your Mom gets those wee-wee pads, put the poop on that pad... that way the dog will smell that it is his/her own poop and will start using the pad. Yes, one can teach an old dog new tricks :)

As a dog lover with two of my own, this scares me - what happens to my babies if I can't care for them right? Its a complicated thing - seniors need their pets, but their pets need to be cared for. We are going to have an arrangement with our children and a forever home group to be sure if anything like that happens to us, our babies will be safe and happy.

have doggy diapers been used?

What if the pet owner has dementia, is living in Memory Care Unit at an Assisted Living facility and the dog refuses to go to the bathroom outside of Mom's apartment? Mom has had her dog for 15 years (the dog's whole life) and that dog is her reason for living. But the facility is tired of shampooing the carpet and changing the bedding constantly. We have taken the dog to the vet and they have found no physiological reason for her incontinence, other than anxiety from living in a different setting than her home with a yard. I might add that the dog was never properly potty-trained, but prior to moving to Memory Care, the dog was outside as much as possible and so this was much less of a problem. Staff does take the dog out regularly but the it won't go outside, and upon returning to the apartment, goes on the bed, or the carpet. The facility has given us a week to find this beloved pet another home. This just may kill my 89-year old mom.

wow I am also from UK and also adopt seniors now :)

Brit I'm originally from the uk but in Canada many years. Us Brits are great animal lovers. I've had big rescue dogs life long. Now I'm older than dirt I only adopt seniors so hopefully I don't leave anyone behind. Sue will be 5 this year and Ashley, the lab, 8. Once I'm done with house renos I hope to be able to afford to have the whole 2 acres fenced, then maybe I'll adopt another oldster.

With all the chaos and stress over the past few years I don't know what I'd have done without my furkids. Frankly I prefer them to most humans :)

Ashlynne bless you for taking in needy pets and I think that was an excellent way for your mom to still have a pet. I know that personally I dread the day I will not have my beloved pets with me :(

My mother had a miniature pinscher which passed away. Unable to walk a dog she got a cat from rescue, Pixie. When I moved to care for her I brought my then big dog (who passed away in 2011) and 3 cats and we lived in the basement. She desperately wanted another dog and I thought what the heck, it will always have a home with me, and so home came Sue, a minpin x jack russell terrorist.

When my mother eventually went into a nursing home I bought a tiny house on 2 acres out in the country. Sue and Pixie now live with me, along with my 3 cats and an old black lab who came from rescue last year. She can't sit up or stand any more but I took my handyman along to lift her into the truck and brought her here to watch the dogs playing in the backyard. She's content in the knowledge that her beloved pets are safe and well cared for.

How do we deal with the well being of the pet? Is the companionship for the elder more important than the neglect of the pet? My mom is feeding the small dog anything and everything. He is elder himself and beginning to fail. Needs to relieve himself more and more often. This dog is dedicated to my Mom, but I am beginning to think she can no longer care for him properly and that his well being is suffering. She has reached the point where she is never alone for more than a few hours, but still manages to mismanage his diet.

That is great! I love that you are honoring your Mom by taking care of and loving the pet she loves so much! :)

I agree and we will keep him within the family however he will be living the state I live in not the one my mom lives in but I will ensure he is forever taken care of.

I will add here that even though my Mom has dementia, having her beloved pets seem to provide a sense of continuity in her life and I am convinced that animals have a deep connection with their "parents" that few people can understand....Love your loved one, but in doing so, love and care for the pet they love...even if that means rehoming ultimately, TAKE THE TIME TO FIND A PROPER LOVING HOME...not just somewhere to "put it" so it is not a worry any longer....

As the 24/7 caregiver of an 89 yr old parent, as well as a life long animal rights advocate....I pray that anyone reading this question will, by all means, remember that pets play a huge part in all of our lives...Keep in mind how you would feel if someone just came in and took away your pets and you never knew where they went. You certainly must take into consideration the safety and health of the pet and certainly of the person being cared for, but I have all too often heard the lame excuse of wanting to do the right thing for the pet, and the family promptly removes the pet and dumps it at the shelter, has it put down, etc.

For me, knowing how much my Mom loves her pets and always cared for them, these pets also became part of my family...I have my own pets and had to integrate them into our daily routine. Mom's safety is obviously the priority, but integrating the pets into your family can be done with a little patience and effort...And for me, if you love your parent or person for whom you are providing care, you will love and respect them enough to know they would not want you to dump or abandon their pet simply to get the pet out of the, and I pray to God neither would you....

rxmarr - I am glad you have resolved your doggy problem.

Even so, for others who may be reading this question for an answer, I'm just going to say that, as much as animals are good for the health of an elder, the decision to keep or rehome a pet cannot ever be left in the hands of a dementia patient. While these beloved pets should not be ripped away from them in anger or with attempted logic, they can just be quietly and undramatically removed with a simple explanation of "went to heaven", "very sick and had to be put to sleep" or "ran away and we're looking for him". The one I used most often was "not feeling well and had to leave him at the vet", then is a question arises, "still at the vet" or "they don't know what's wrong yet" and continue that answer until the questions stop. With dementia, they will. And there is no sense of time, so answering in this way is the dementia equivalent of just letting it go.

BTW - would you consider updating your profile which says your mom is in independent living with general age-related decline, sense now you say she is living with your niece and has dementia. Mant of us go first to review the profile when a question is posed by someone we don't recognize.

Thank you all, I had a conversation with my mom who does not live in the same state as I do and she is ok as long as I take the dog. Keep praying for us.

Call the SPCA immediately. That dog has as much right to be cared for properly as your mother. Your niece is too caught up emotionally to do what is best for both of them. Is there anyway you can help take care of the dog or take possession of the dog?.

She lives with my niece but she refuses to listen to her and keeps feeding the dog items he should not be eating and also refuses to give the dog up. My niece has tried everything and nothing is working, the vet is not happy with the dog situation, but mom refuses to give the dog up.

Who is taking care of your mother? If she has dementia, she shouldn't be alone. Can't the caregiver make sure the dog is properly fed, in at night and so on?

as someone who loves dogs and hopes never to be without one I know how much they mean to someone. I think if the dog's well being is in danger someone in the family should take it so she can visit it regularly and know that its safe