They live independently and are determined to keep doing so. Ages are 90 and 87. They have three sons. I need advice. We want to honor and respect them, but we can't force them to wear Depends or something similar. We also live almost across the country. They just moved to a new house from Chicago to Dayton; one of their sons lives in Dayton.
They’ve probably lost the ability to solve problems; i.e. executive function. Or they may be in denial of their true situation. Or they’ve been told they need Depends but have forgotten. This sort of thing is a symptom of cognitive decline. When was the last time they were evaluated by a physician? One who specializes in geriatric care would be best.
Their wish to live independently isn’t reasonable anymore. They aren’t likely to understand if you or siblings tell them they need more help. You might as well save your breath.
Look for a doctor and state that you don’t think mom and dad can live independently now. Let the doctor explain to them. And start looking for 24/7 care so they’ll be clean and safe.
Wanting to honor and respect parents is admirable, but it’s no longer possible to cater to their wishes when they aren’t able to understand the consequences of living on their own. At that time, you have to step up and become the parent. Good luck to you.
There's definitely a lot more going on than incontinence. Good call on that one.
That isn't normal.
I cannot imagine the condition of the home they left, nor the condition the new home will go into quickly, but APS visiting would likely deem the place unfit for habitation.
There needs to be some mental examinations here, and a good honest talk. If people are in an unsafe condition then placement is needed, and part of "unsafe" would be a home with feces and urine.
I may be missing some part of the story. Hope you can explain more. When this has been discussed with your parents what has their response been?
"If they are aware of incontinence but not doing anything about it, there’s a lot more going on in addition to incontinence. They’ve probably lost the ability to solve problems; i.e. executive function."
a friend of mine's mother was in that situation. the mother had no idea how to solve the problem. my friend showed her mother step by step, how to use adult diapers. there was some dementia (mild, but enough to need help solving problems). the mother's memory is not bad, but problem-solving skills, very bad.
In addition to communication amongst ourselves, my siblings and I had monthly dinner "meetings" with our parents for as long as they were able to go out. They liked being with all of us and we were able to coordinate care decisions. This can be done online for family that lives far away. The son who lives close by will also appreciate the support of his brothers.
When all three of their children express the same concern in the same way, inlaws are more likely to accept that there is a problem and a solution.
When I visit I head straight to a window & open it.
I think so many women think they are being “good wives” by taking on way more then they need to, with a husband’s parents. But watch out! He will gladly let you do more and more, and when you finally scream, “Jesus, I have had enough!” you will look like the bad guy. Best to stay well out of it from the get-go. Then any nice little card or casserole you send will look like a wonderful gesture! Back away, back away…
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