My 80 year old parents have typical health problems. My dad has mobility and breathing issues. My mom has long suffered with GI issues and has become more and more stressed about cleanliness and health matters (thanks google 🙄). They are constantly “putting their foot down “with each other. My dad has to buy things at certain stores when others are more user friendly and closer. My mother has to have certain things (laundry detergent, towels washed a certain way, cooking items cleaned a certain way). They both have valid points, but neither will support the other. My dad tries to do potentially dangerous (for his age) activities and my mom who has always disliked my dad’s family will bring up how much she hates them (most of them are dead). She complains that dad never talks to her so she talks about his family to get a response. I try to listen, but after an hour on the phone I won’t immediately answer and she gets mad and says ”you don’t care”. My dad enjoys sitting at home watching TV. Mom stays on Facebook complaining that dad isn’t able to do things like her other friend (travel etc.). I try to just listen and not offer advice. She prefers if I get mad and talk about my dad’s family with her. Instead I tell her how much I loved her family (my grandma was my best friend) that they really meant nothing to me. I told her this morning that maybe both her and dad could learn compromise and not always have it one way or the other. Her immediate reaction was” you never compromise “. I am lost and hurt. I live an hour away and go anytime they need me. I have canceled vacation, dinners with friends, put going back to work on hold just so I could be there for them. They give me a “paycheck” from their business. But tell everyone I don’t help out at all, they just want to help me. I grocery shop, bank, take them to doctors’ appointments, bring them lunch, ask them to eat dinner with us. My mom will be so appreciative when I am doing those things. But as soon as I do one thing for myself (like take a 3 day trip with my husband for work) I am selfish and don’t love her. Additionally, I encouraged my daughter to work a minimum wage job this year. My mother disapproved and said it was beneath my daughter (who is very smart). She only worked less than 10 hours a week. She can hurt me like no one else. My daughter who adored her growing up is fed up with the way she treats me. Both of their cognitive testing is great. And at business (except maybe online stuff) they are sharp as tacks!!! I’m sorry to rant. But I guess I am still wanting my mom to be happy for me, but she never will. It is so hard to reconcile that. Anyone else who has been through something similar.
And why would YOU feel guilty about THEIR stubbornness and marital issues?? That makes no sense to me. Nor does waiting for mom to be happy for you which isn't going to happen. Some of us got shortchanged in the mother department and it's best to just accept that fact rather than try to jump thru fiery hoops to change it. I tried for years until one day I woke up and said WHY are you doing this? Killing yourself to make HER happy when it's NOT gonna happen?? That's the day I backed off of the quest and started living my life for ME and my family.
A mother can only hurt a daughter who's willing to BE hurt. I used to approach my mother with an invisible shield of armor held up in front of me. To ward off the blows she'd be doling out. Let those arrows bounce off of you! And spend LIMITED time exposed to the toxic fumes emanating from the woman. If you like yourself, that's all that matters.
Here is a good website to check out about how to recognize passive-aggressive covert narcissistic behaviors and cope with them:
https://lifelessons.co/personal-development/covertpassiveaggressivenarcissist/
Ditch the guilt and FOG (fear obligation and guilt) and spend less time interacting with mother. That's my advice.
Good luck to you.
They are NOT going to compromise
YOU can change.
You can cut the conversation short when she starts in on his side of the family.
You can cut the conversation short when she starts in on you.
If your mom has never been happy with you or with things in general that will not change.
She can do her laundry and cleaning the way she wants as long as it is she doing the work and she is not asking you to do it for her.
He can go to the stores he wants to as long as either he is providing his own transportation or if you are it is CONVENIENT for you to take him where he wants to go.
If you are doing things for them that are "propping them up" pull back on what you are doing.
As to you, the word "GUILT" infers responsibility and CAUSE.
You didn't cause your parents problems. You aren't responsible for fixing them.
Hence no guilt.
How about changing out your G-words because the words we tell ourselves form paths of belief in our brains.
Try on the GRIEF word for another G.
Grief that your parents have so many limitations.
Grief that you still believe they might change.
My suggestion?
Move 1,000 miles away. Or get a psychologist to shake you out of your habitual ways of thinking and acting. I think it might be cheaper to move the 1,000 miles away in the long run.
Let's not forget, our parents still view us as "children". When my parents were in their 90's, they still viewed me as some one being in their 20's or 30's, not the senior citizen that I was. When I said I couldn't do something they looked at me like my hair was on fire. Yes, I felt guilty, but later realized it wasn't my problem, it was theirs.
No, I can't do ... <insert some heavy task or impossible mission>.
Get 'The Look'.
You can stop whenever you want.
A person is responsible for their OWN happiness.
#2 The put-downs.
Some people attempt to plump themselves up by up by putting others down. If this is your Mom (about in-laws) just on a bad day.. ok... give her 2 mins of that then change topic. If this has become her go-to style, divert divert divert.
#3 Time has value.
".. after an hour on the phone".
Whoa, wind that back.
Repeat after me now 'I am not a listening post'. My time has value & I choose how much time I give.
Welcome! I am glad you found us here ☺️
I remember my MIL being upset that I had bought my 2 little kids new shoes. Just from Payless Shoes, so it's not like I was dressing them in Manolo Blahniks or something.
She made this snarky comment "Wow, I wish I was able to just go but 4 pairs of shoes whenever I wanted. I had to count my pennies!".
I said "These are a pair of play shoes and pair of Sunday shoes and they cost less than $25 for the 4 pairs. Don't you want your grandkids to have SHOES?"
She replied "You are bleeding my son dry, you know".
I think that may have been the beginning of my realization that she simply was not going to be 'happy' about ANYTHING I did.
The very next day after this comment from her, we paid off the loan. It was always going to be a temporary one. Never borrowed from them ever again, but the way she told it, we did it all the time.
I did feel guilty, at the time, b/c I allowed her to make me feel that way.
Yet--why? We were paying back the small debt with interest higher than what the bank was paying him, so FIL was not losing out on anything. MIL just wanted something to b7tch at me about.
Yet, if I had let the kids go without shoes, I would have heard about that too.
For a truly selfish person, they don't need an excuse to be nasty.
If I were you--I'd place some really tough boundaries and enforce them.
YOU didn't make them stubborn, or old, or anything. And you can't make them NOT be the way they are.
I learned and so can you .
First of all , there is no reason to feel guilty. You didht make them old and you can’t fix old. You can’t fix their personalities , their marriage is not yours to fix either . I would even tell them next time they try to drag you into their fights that you are not getting into their marital disputes . Tell her you don’t want to hear her complaints about the relatives either.
Do not stay on the phone for an hour . When she starts her cr4p about relatives etc. . Come up with an excuse to get off the phone . You have an appt , errands to run , chores to do etc.
Do not tell your mother about your life , when you are going away with your husband, seeing friends etc. Your mother will use it against you to try to make you feel guilty. Don’t cancel your plans any longer. Do not tell them anything about your children .
You can’t make other people happy . It is not your responsibility to make them happy. And forget about your mother be happy for you . She is old and is only focused on her wants. She isn’t capable of thinking about you . She may even have a mental illness . She is very manipulative and gas lights you.
Those that need assistance are the ones who need to compromise, meaning you don’t take them to multiple stores , just to get one item at each . That’s ridiculous . You decide how often you can come if at all . They can order , or you can order things to be delivered to them as well .
You stop putting your life on hold . Go back to your job . You stop dropping things and canceling things . You help them when it’s convenient for you.
They can hire someone else to help them . It does not have to be you. If they won’t and say they only want you to help them . Tell them you are sorry but you have gone back to your regular job .
They are competent , therefore you could back away and let them arrange help for themselves. You help them when you can with what they NEED, not what they want . Needs and wants are not the same . They need food . Taking them on an outing is a want , which is up to you, if you want to treat them .
I’m so sorry . This is likely not to get better since your mother especially seems not willing to ever come around to compromise . It will only get worse as they need more help .
Your mother will get mad. Let her be mad. She’s a miserable unhappy person to begin with and that’s not your fault . Live your life. Let your mother stew in the pot she wants to stay in . She doesn’t want to be happy. That’s what I realized about my mother . She just wanted to make everyone miserable with her . Your mother is only nice to you when you do what she wants. She doesn’t care about anyone but herself. I recommend going to a therapist to help you reconcile this . I also recommend you limit your time with them . I also would stop taking the check they give you. It just lets them think that you have to do things their way. It would be different if they sounded more reasonable about making compromises to make things easier in you.
I and others here could write volumes about dealing with similar situations to yours. Keep coming back here . We will try to help you .
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