He cannot dial or answer phone so I'm struggling to leave at all. Desperately need surgery, but have no one else to b with him. Will have to get outside help soon as really do need surgery his family, is mad because he married me six and half yrs ago we pooled our money and what we have left is mine. Not too big amt. They think he's much better than is. He and first wife cashed in all insurance etc. Cannot imagine treating parent like this. He educated, gave all they had before we married. Actually all with any value. I had no idea that he wiped out savings and all to "put" daughter in business she partied big time and recently quit pretending to b a business and closed. Family does not call or care. He is incontinent as well as on oxygen and has bad dementia. I've decided if I outlive him will b no funeral
You could at least catch a break hiring hourly home help but it doesn't come cheap. Many listened, bonded companies can come in for as long as you will pay.
Families can get quite ugly about dementia in a family member and also end-of-life circumstances.
Take a deep breath. You need rest so get creative and find a way. Sounds like he cannot be left alone, so get some help.
Grace + Peace,
Bob
Please look at placing him in a nursing home. It doesn't sound as if you have a lot in assets, Medicaid has a program that will help you live decently with what you have left and you'd have your life again so that you can have surgery. Your husband would have care and you can visit as often as you are able.
You can find some resources by going to www.aging.gov and finding your state. This will give you a long lists of possible resources. Another option is your Area Agency on Aging. Someone needs to help you find a solution.
Take care of yourself. Your husband won't have anyone if you go down.
Carol
I lost my Mom 1 year ago today. At that time, if you didn't have money to pay for help there wasn't much. However, since then I have found out there is more assistance for dimintia and Alzheimer's patients.
Contact your area Council on Aging. Google ADRC for your state. I just started the process for my MIL who lives with me and has dimintia. She can't be left alone anymore, so I was soooo happy to find out there is help for her and me. God Bless you!
I just want to add: Are you sure it wouldn't work to send a very neutral and diplomatic request to his children (maybe in a letter or email so you could address all of them) suggesting/requesting that they rotate taking a weekend day to care for him and spend time with him? Or one evening a week? It could be as simple as one shift a month (if he has 4 children). Perhaps an introduction from his doctor or a social worker describing his needs/condition. It might mean that even if only one of his children agrees, they would have a better understanding of the reality and the challenges of his condition. Ignorance is bliss, and their resentment of his relationship with you might just be an excuse to not really face what is going on with their father. Is there any other 'neutral' friend or family that might help introduce this idea?
All of the above advice is great. I'm just suggesting there might still be a way to bring his children into this picture. I'm also not suggesting that once a week is enough, but it might help you feel you aren't alone in this.
I am sure you need a break to recharge your batteries. Have you looked into Respite Care? Cost through community agencies can be little or nothing. Although a break for a few hours might be good, it appears that you could use more like a week.
Have you been diagnosed with depression? This diagnosis is very commonplace with family caregivers. Make an appointment with your doctor to seek information regarding depression.
Now let's talk about how you must take regular breaks from caregiving. The amount of caregivers suffering death or life altering illness is very high. Take a good long look at the loving care you are giving. Now add to this your being suddenly ill. Where does the next caregiver come from?
How can you get a few hours away to get some rest and a break? The answer (at least to me) is, how can you not take a break? Think of this situation - who will be able to give the quality of care expected if I suddenly drop out of the picture. There are astronomical numbers of caregivers requiring help themselves. Or worse yet great numbers of caregivers dying within three years of the person they are caring for. Ask yourself 'is this what my family member I care for want?
I know this sounds like you are only thinking of yourself however just the opposite is true. Take care of yourself to be able to care for her. There is quite possibly friends or professionals in your community that would love to help. They are not aware of what kind of help you need. Asking for help is a positive step in your situation. While asking for help be sure you are ready for the help as it arrives.
I hate to say it, but it sounds like you need to have a "very frank" discussion with his family ASAP. Pehaps in the office of and Eldercare Attorney. If his condition is as bad as it sounds and a minor emergency occurs I would have him admitted by ambulance to a hospital. While he is there arrange my own surgery and recovery and let the doctors handle it from there. If there is no one to care for him at home the family will have to step up or arrange for care in a nursing home. I know this sounds cold....and it is I guess, but it is time to force the issue and care for yourself.
The one thing I have found to be true is that caregivers almost always neglect themselves a little and sometimes a lot because that is the path of least resistance. It is time for you to change that path and care for yourself.
You MUST remain firm through all of this that your husband needs more care than you can safely provide. He cannot be discharged from a SNF until there's a plan for care. Don't waste your time on what his children SHOULD be doing or not doing. I'm sure they have their own side to the story (and lots of emotional baggage to go with it), frankly, it just doesn't matter. He needs skilled nursing or assisted living care and you need to help him get it.
If you become desperate, put him in the car and take him to the ER.
Family Care Navigator, hosted by the Family Caregiver Alliance, is a comprehensive state-by-state searchable data base that provides a list of government and private services and supports for family caregivers and care recipients. .
National Resource Center for Participant Directed Services: If the person with the disability or chronic condition is eligible for Medicaid, they may qualify for financial assistance that can be used to purchase necessary home and community-based services and supports, including payment to the family caregiver or to pay for respite. Such programs are sometimes known as cash & counseling, consumer or participant-directed programs, or other names selected by the state . Check out the Center's program map for a list of programs and contact information.
Easter Seals: Many local affiliates of Easter Seals provide respite, adult day services, and other supports for individuals of all ages and disabilities. To connect to an Easter Seals affiliate in your area, .
Eldercare Locator: A public service of the U.S. Administration on Aging connecting you to services for older adults and their families. You can be reach them at 1-800-677-1116 .
Benefits.gov: The official benefits website of the U.S. government that informs citizens of benefits they may be eligible for and provides information on how to apply for assistance.
Aging and Disability Resource Centers: If you are looking for information or assistance with long term services and supports for yourself or for a friend or family member,