Well... I was considering having children until I started caring for my father because I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy. I was a "late baby" (my brother who committed suicide was even younger... 10 years), so my father was 47 when I was born. I'm absolutely TERRIFIED to reproduce at the age of 38 now for the fear that I will get sick and have kids that resent caring for me.
Then I think I wouldn't be a good mother because I get so frustrated with my father when he doesn't sleep (babies keep you up at night as well), or I snap at him for ...whatever.
Finally, I think about putting a contingency plan together for aging. The short time I had Dad at the Independent Living (IL) facility, I would listen to the elderly parents that put THEMSELVES in the facility so their children could enjoy their freedom--so they wouldn't be a burden to their children. I admit I was a bit jealous. Why can't my Dad do that?
Then I have "angry compassion_ so to speak. Isn't it interesting that if an animal gets to the point where they can't function, they're put down, yet humans can literally suffer for YEARS (patient and caregiver) existing as a fraction of the person they once were.
I get it... it must be horrible to exist without being unable to hear well, see well, move around, remember anything, and be in pain most of the time, but should the caregivers suffer?
NOTE: I'm not advocating euthanizing humans... just making an observation.
...and to top it off, I want to SCREAM the truth at by standers that "commend" me for taking care of Dad. There's nothing commendable about it. I detest it most of the time and feel guilty for feeling that way every day.
....random venting I guess
My view of life has changed - I'm a better daughter, sister, mother and grandmother. I value life more. I value seeing a smile on the faces that I love. I cherish conversations with my father...and I find that I actually listen better. There are no "do-overs" when it comes to the end of life and I want no regrets in my heart. I want my father's last years on this earth to be surrounded by love and respect and comfort and peace - and if that means hours of my day are spent comparing adult diaper absorbency, so be it.
My children have the same values as my husband and I. I am immensely proud of them for their involvement in their grandparents' lives - and for going above and beyond for their Grandfather after my Mom's passing. Even if I do end up in a nursing home somewhere, I have no doubt that my children will be my stalwart advocates until I leave this earth. Seeing them in action in and around my parents these last few years has made that a concrete fact in my heart.
I trust No One.
Be sure to cash in your chips before you go.
I have definitely changed in the way I view older people. I remembered the talk of the three 80+ year old men at the table about what they wanted if they should marry again -- a Christian woman young enough to take care of them who had her own money and would let him leave everything to his own children. All quid, no quo. What woman wouldn't want that?
Before being a caregiver, I trusted elderly people.
I think back to when this thread started back in the summer of 2015 how much has changed in my life.... my Mom passed due to a serious fall.... and my Dad decided two weeks after my Mom passed that he was now ready for a senior living facility. Now I am up to my eyeballs trying to empty out their house of 70+ years of "stuff".
Dealing with all that "stuff" now makes me want to live simpler with less stuff of my own [sorry, George Carlin]. And I want to downsize as my house is turning out to be too much to clean and, I swear, the yard keeps doubling in size every year :P
M88
has actually been suffering through, alone.
Seems the other estranged family or siblings come into the picture many many years later when the elder is near death, uses manipulation to convince the elder that the caregiver does not love them or other lies while the care giver never finds out until after the death.
Sadly, many times family or non family members who know the dynamic of the family can step in manipulating the estranged family as well as master minding the coercion knowing the lack of competence of the elder and the nature of the distance between the family members using it to manipulate the situation, in many cases disinheriting the care giving child and getting themselves named into the will. Although obvious, it happens.
The caregiver at that point normally has only what little the parent was going to leave them yet the others walk in and try to take it even so they neglected the parent and did nothing to help all the years before, having lived their lives free of this trauma and having been able to financially stabilize their own life and are not in need of the monies but taking it from greed and a sense of false entitlement. The money motivates them to blindly fall into the deceit of the conspiring NON family member and sometimes not so blindly....idea of money can make it so they don't want to see the truth. Legally this has gone under the radar for years until about 5 or so years ago
Mom started declining in her mid-60s. Really started going down the chute at 70. Neurological disorders don't care what year you were born. They just attack until there's nothing left.
You'll never hear me fetishizing living to be 80, 90 or 100. Even if I'm healthy, I'll be out of money.
And just for the record: I'm not a miserable crank! I enjoy life. What I don't enjoy is soft-headed crazy talk.
For example, if I come home to die, I want hospice! More for them to have access to support and information, than for me. And if I'm home on hospice and I start threatening to hit my kids because they are trying to get me into clean clothes? Then I want them to be comfortable with the decision to move me to a home. If I am scaring them, I don't want them to have to weigh the guilt against the threat in case I ever do throw a punch. I wouldn't want them to remember me that way.
Anyway, I give thought to those sorts of things. And especially, about planning for the expenses. We always think we have more time. And then one day, we just don't anymore. They may need to manage paperwork, but I'm going to work very hard in the years to come to make sure they have paper to manage!
Plus, I'm 7 and 11yrs older so I may be too old anyway. :)
My youngest son was born when I was 39, and my husband was 55. He developed lymphoma at 69, did three rounds of chemo over ten years and the last one failed. But--my older kids were 40, 38, & 36, and the youngest 24. They, and their spouses, were helped me cope and were great, and fortunately, there was no dementia involved. At this point, I'm in pretty good shape, refuse to take prescription meds (keep my blood sugar and pressure OK with diet and supplements. Frankly, I got off of the meds because of the side effects.) I intend to keep busy as long as I can. Sold my house last year, so that's taken care of. My kids have taken over some of my business affairs, and I pray for good mental and physical health (pretty typical of most of my family).