Looking for suggestions, guidance, ideas, warm fuzzies lol.
Both parents are 95 and are aging in-place in their long-time home. Mother has mild/moderate dementia but is physically in a pretty good place for her age. Father is cognitively very sharp but has physical issues typical of age (had heart attacks years ago and moves slowly/shuffling, etc). He still drives during daylight in nice weather.
As early as 20 years ago, we worked hard to encourage/support downsizing or moving to retirement community. At that point, we anticipated needing her to have a place for her to continue living if we lost him. To say we were met with resistance is a monumental understatement. Eventually, we honored their wish to age-in place but of course stressed the need for modify house or bring help in when the time arose. Since the onset of her Alzheimer’s, he has been her primary caretaker, but family members spend time with them (I travel 6 hours to spend a week with them each month, for example). He vows he will never “let her go to memory care”.
He is so resistant to bringing help in. We have tried using different approaches: we want to give you some downtime; we want her to be used to having other people in the house in case you go first (one of his concerns), just have someone a couple of hours a day/couple hours a week (with the idea that he can see how helpful this is to him
He is a proud, bright and logical man except in this case. I understand not wanting a stranger in your home, but at some point (which is here), providing extra support is important. I would love not to wait until there is a fall to make this happen (I understand that precipitates the need for some).
I’d love to hear how you introduced outside help to your cognitively adept (proud but stubborn) family members. He still does his own finances and support would be covered by insurance/savings.
In three of the cases, my cousins (their kids) told them, it is one or the other: You move to assisted living or you get outside help. If you want to stay here, we will try to accommodate that but only if you get outside help to HELP US.
Living at home with no outside help is not an option.
People are proud, and that is not bad, but they think they are getting by independently but they never could get by without the help of their kids.
This desire for my father to be seen as my mother's caregiver and not accept help resulted in him dying and my mother in a SNH. My father didn't care for himself and died from something he knew about and was treatable.
My experience is that there is no way to force someone to get help. You can walk away, but they still will likely refuse. Having a disaster is often the only way as they will continue to rely on you and your siblings and if you continue to provide care, they will never seek outside help.
The really good thing was that it was then easy for him to agree to go into assisted living. I never expected that. He was totally against that only months earlier, so was I.
Right now my father has a team caring, competent and fun-loving people looking after him 24/7. All his needs are met. He will never forget to take his medication. He will never have to make his bed. He doesn't have to mow the lawn. He has all kinds of stimulating activities where he is, he's made new friends and every day he is living a life. He's not playing 18 holes of golf everyday and then "going out on the town" or anything like that these days. obviously, but his life is not dull! It was for the most part when he lived all by himself.
As I said before in this forum, as emotionally sick as I was for my father going into assisted living I would be far more sick now if he decided to leave!
Overall, however, I disagree that it is "really important" to anyone but those of us who get triggered by it.
We all know what people mean. I just think it isn't nice to correct other people's grammar unless we are teaching a class in English that they have wanted to attend.
I hate to see us get all hung up on one another's grammar when we all "get these issues". Lisa used to come here only to discuss her own issues, and now she is here helping others to understand what might help them. And she's NEVER been one to intentionally be "impolite". I personally just love that.
They refused home care for the longest time but grudgingly agreed after my mother fell last year. I had bitter arguments with my mother about it for weeks before she agreed. My father is now in a nursing home but my mother is still in the house with only 8 hrs of care a day. No where near enough . She can’t afford more and neither or my sisters nor I want to move in full time or take her in because she can be very nasty and mean and we cannot handle being with her full time. It’s not good. We are planning to apply for Medicaid so she can be in the same facility as my father.
Figuring all the moving parts of getting decent caregivers and everything else that has to be done so my mother can live ‘independently’ has been challenging and stressful. . This last year has been the most awful year I have endured.
It’s going to get bad for you. I will tell you that. You will be living from one crisis to the next. If I were you I would Insist that they go into assisted living. They are too old to be home any longer. They don’t have a plan because they are in denial . They don’t want to see what is coming. But it will be coming. They are declining.
So another angle could be to discuss what they need, now & when needs increase. Ask Mom & Dad THEIR choice, from
#1. Have a caregiver come into their home now & then, or
#2. Move to a room in a place with staff.
They probable don't want either.
Want to stay "independant', living in their home, just the way they are, until they die peacefully in the night - together. Bless 'em 💞.
My stance would be "Yes I hope so too M & D.. it's possible.. but in case you don't.. which of #1 or #2 is more ACCEPTABLE to you?"
I was told you need At Least SIX sit down serious chats befofe this stuff sinks in. Well I am WAY past that (such denial: "that won't happen!" Zero ability to look ahead). So I gave up & just chose a facility. Told them I will send them there if & when necessary. My stress is now much reduced.
This is what I learned (after mentally banging head against the wall over this stuff);
- We all age. Fact. (Unless die too young)
- We all have skills that decline.
- Accepting help into our home HELPS us to STAY in our home longer
- it takes BRAVERY to try something new or change our ways
- Stubborn people LOSE their independance too.
- Fearfulness can appear as stubborness
Basically folks, choose your care-aides or care-home OR SOMEONE ELSE WILL.
Very best of luck!
I would propose Visiting Angels to get help and practice being appreciative and accepting of the "help" I hesitate to ask for: companionship is a healthy way to introduce a stranger. If desired, the companion can set up meal planning and maybe dine with your parent(s). Other areas of interest will give them other ways to connect. I am practicing and planning for my more dependent future...................it is extremely challenging as I am quite an independent.
Sometimes, it is more about your Dad losing his purpose in life if everything starts to be done for him.
Also FYI, many an elder has fallen in their own homes with a family caregiver standing right next to them (been there, done that). I wish you succcess in getting the appropriate help in place.
They WANT the show of utter independence, but that often comes at the cost of standing on the shoulders of MANY people, usually family, and in the process, wear them out-break them down.
MY MIL fires every.single.caregiver who comes to her home. She only 'trusts' her kids and has now got them taking 98% of the care of her--taking 24/7 shifts--she thinks she 'living independently' but if she went one day without one of them sitting by her side, she wouldn't be able to do anything but sit and breathe.
She will allow the Hospice Nurse only b/c she is only there for 20 minutes twice a week and if she fires HER, then she is firing Hospice.
She should have moved from the rehab facility she was in 2 months ago straight to a NH, but my SIL wouldn't make her mom upset.
Instead, she's slowly ruining the lives of her kids and their spouses.
All so she can state she is 'independent'.
Nothing will change until the kids are totally burned out.
I wish you the best as your navigate these choppy waters. You may never get your LO to accept outside care, or a move to a better living situation.
Sadly, here’s yet another case of parents who make a decision based on emotion rather than reality. He’ll never let her go to memory care so that places the burden on you as well as him. What a neat manipulation maneuver!
How about if all of us who are married declared right now that we are never going to cook another meal for our husbands so that we can live up to our promises to ourselves that we’d never become another person’s slave? Hey, why not? It makes as much sense as declaring any other ridiculous notion that would then place a burden on others. I won’t cook, husband won’t cook, so hey kids, give up your happiness and activities and take turns coming to live with us for a week at a time so you can cook. Shop too. We only eat organic. We’re hungry - waaaagh!
Old people shouldn’t take it for granted that their kids will support stupid promises they made a hundred years ago.
ETA:
Most folks think that facility care is too costly. We were fortunate to have a SIL who has an MBA. She ran the comps--mom staying in her home with adequate help vs a really nice congregate living facility. It was a win win.
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