Hello all, it's been a very rough year. My mom made the decision to stop dialysis and she passed away in March. I found out I was pregnant a month later. My paternal grandmother passed in late October, followed 8 days later by my maternal grandmother (who lived alone and whose estate I am now working to settle with the very limited help of my half brother), Paternal grandmother left my grandfather behind, who is actually completely illiterate and requires help with his medicine, appointments, and paying bills. He is 79 years old and very bullheaded, myself and my fiance are the only people who he will allow to help with anything. He also lives an hour away from me. I am the only family he has left besides a couple of elderly sisters and a few estranged cousins. I am sitting here, 17 days away from baby's due date, wondering how in the world I am going to be able to help him once I have the baby. Shoot, I can barely help him now. An hour's car ride with a baby sitting on my bladder is nearly impossible. And I know I can't take the baby back and forth in the freezing cold once he's here. Grandfather is currently in the hospital for what they think is his 5th heart attack in the last 6 months because he refuses to settle down. I am at my wits end, everyone. I feel so alone and so overwhelmed, and so does grandpa. I cannot put him in a home, I just watched my mom die in a home this year and I won't do that. But I am not sure of any home health programs that are actually affordable for an elderly man who already struggles to pay his bills? I appreciate any ideas guys thank you.
Delegate every task that you can safely delegate to anyone that you safely can delegate it to.
Can you ask a trusted neighbor to pick up a few groceries/prescriptions when they go out? Instacart and other services are a lifesaver. You might be surprised how helpful people are willing to be once a need is known. Many people want to help, but don’t know what is needed.
The old adage is true••A closed mouth doesn’t get fed!” Please don’t be afraid to ask for help. And remember, not every task has to be done today!!
Please don’t forget to take care of YOU!! Best wishes!!
Wishing all the best for all concerned.
You have been given very good advise. Read it, then put it away and enjoy the baby for awhile. When you re read it a second time it won't seems so overwhelming to you. Have faith you will be making the right decisions for you and your grand dad.
Breath, Breath and Breath
As for grandpa, it would not be wise or healthy to have him join your household. Any mom can tell you that you won't get any sleep or a hot meal for another 5 years!! Why make that worse by taking in a bullheaded, illiterate old man ?(your words, not mine)
You are already struggling with pregnancy, profound loss, and the effort of settling an estate. Maybe down the road a few years you can reconsider taking him into your home, but now isn't the right time for making such an important decision. Attorneys advise people NOT to make big, life changing decisions for a year after losing a spouse. The same advice can work in your situation.
Grandpa has been released from the hospital back to his own home. Accept that, and don't feel responsible for anything he does (or refuses to do) concerning his own health and well being. Share these ideas here with him about getting care and let this fiercely independent man be fiercely independent. That's what he chooses. He won't be happy living under your roof with your rules. And there would have to be rules.
Prepare yourself for bringing your baby into a loving home with a peaceful atmosphere. That is the best thing for you, baby, fiance and Grandpa.
And keep reading this forum. Lots of people post about moving elderly relatives into their homes.
Best of luck to you all.
Secondly, call + followup in writing to Grandpa's Doctor stating same.
Thirdly, same for any hospital admission for Grandpa. Ensure you get the message across so an accurate picture of his home support level is understood.
Try not to feel you are leaving/dumping Grandpa. You will find it takes more that one parent to raise a child, a village of helpers is needed. It's the same when we age. I am sure you are an amazing, loving person - but you are (like all of us) one person, with two hands. So build your teams!
Very best of health & enjoyment for this special time.
Grandpa is fiercely independent and wants to stay that way.
Allow him to live his life while you live yours.
He's only 79. He can apply for his own credit card, he can move to an area that has more services available. He can work with the hospital's Social Worker to help him find more suitable living arrangements, if needed.
Your baby must always come first and foremost in your life.
As for his bills - pay them online. You don't need the paper copy to do that. When you go online to pay the bills, most companies have a feature to stop mailing out the paper bill...which would reduce what he gets in the way of letters.
Although you might not want him living with you, would he consider moving closer to you for easier visits? Maybe an elderly rental apt or community where he could rent an apartment? If he owns his own home, would he sell to move closer to you. Those would be options. If he is not willing to budge, let him know with the baby arriving - visits from you are going to be much less frequent with him so far away. As HIM what he wants to do with his health being a problem and you being the only one who can help -- I would toss in the conversation about how many times he's been in hospital, what his health problems are, potential of falls and laying in the floor until someone finds him, etc
Your help should be constrained to getting him help should he want it as opposed to performing increasing hands-on yourself. Even if he moves near you, that can't be an option. You have this baby. Who knows--in three years, a new sibling will be on the way. You presumably will make your fiance your DH by that point or you will have parted ways.
You're not available to be grandpa's aide after birth. Nor are you likely to be five years later. You can help put granpa in touch with resources but you can't be his resource.
Speak to your grandpa Dr. He may be able to suggest things like other meds, other care agencies or maybe help try to get thru to grandpa he needs to try and cooperate.
You could put his bills on autopay, and you could get power of attorney to help with all decisions, however POA still is a lot of pressure for someone with a new baby.
The most important thing is your baby. That baby has a whole lifetime ahead. Hate to sound cruel, but grandpas life is almost over. I can’t imagine losing people you love in close succession like you have. However it has happened and you must deal with it realistically, even though it’s painful.
sound like grandpa needs a home care giver, if not assisted living somewhere. The Dr and Alz.org can help you get started. Grandpa won’t be happy, and know there’s nothing you can do to make him happy at this point. Just take care of yourself and your baby. Quit thinking of what you want it to be and start dealing with what it really is.
Managing your grandfathers needs from afar will be next to impossible. Do his elderly sisters have children who can rally to help? You won't know if you don't ask. Do they live close by? Simple check ins from them will help alleviate some of the worry you feel.
You can install wifi cameras in his home so that you can monitor him from your cell phone, but you need someone living close to him who can help him with chores, shopping and managing his meds. Hiring someone local would be your best bet but it can be expensive as the going rate is $15-$25 an hour. He can apply for Medicaid, but it will take months to get the application approved. With Medicaid he can get some in-home help but it will be extremely limited.
From everything you put in your comments, he is of sound mind and set in his ways. He has rejected all your offers to help with banking, or moving in with you. So really you have to give up this fight for now, and focus on your new baby.
When he finally understands that you are now physically unavailable for him, he will start to reconsider some of his bull headed choices.
I have noticed that some advice-givers on this forum have no idea what things are often like in a rural area. Call an Uber? Really? Plenty of services? No way, it’s family, friends, or a poorly-staffed, sometimes poorly-run nursing home, often with a roommate. Assisted livings are few and far between, and often extremely expensive, only private pay which someone trying to live on, say $1400 a month social security could no way afford.
Of course people can only give advice based on their own knowledge, and you seem to be doing a good job of thinking things through and seeing what might work for you. Sometimes there is no “good” solution, which is why I say do the best you can and make the most of your relationships!
Newborns take precedence over any elderly relative. Let grandpa go to a facility where he will get three meals and nursing care around the clock. Medicaid will pay for it.
I'm sorry for all of your losses, but you have a new life that will be coming into this world in a couple of days. Prepare for the birth of your child. In the meantime, you get some rest.
You are about to have a new baby. You are not yet married. I cannot express enough, as other posters have, how important the foundations you will lay for both your baby and your relationship are, and that foundation will be laid in the next three years. You absolutely cannot care for you grandfather and your baby at the same time, and I fear that, as I have seen so often, your fiancee will not accommodate that for too long.
I am a "hyper-responsive" and overly responsible person, and I have spent years reading about family dynamics to figure out why I am such a pushover. I come from a family of narcissistic personality disorder, and my husband's family is worse. Both families a mess. I got the strength to begin saying NO to unreasonable and irrational family demands as I looked at my children and decided I did NOT want the same fate for them that marked several generations of my husband's and my own very selfish families.
You need to put your grandfather in a safe place, when he will allow it, and JUST BE A GRANDDAUGHTER. If he will not allow it, and insists on staying where he is and accusing you of "abandoning" him, you need to cut him out of your life.
I am dealing with a similar situation right now myself. I get up in the mornings and intentionally evaluate what I am going to do in this situation; what is RIGHT for me to do, what I am ABLE to do, and also what I WANT to do. I think carefully through what my true responsibilities are, and they are first to my own children, to my husband, and to my own mental health so that I can properly shoulder my responsibilities. The care of other family members comes AFTER. Sometimes it does not come at all. It has been very helpful for me to do this, though it may sound simplistic--a therapist would tell you that I had no boundaries, and even at my older age it is necessary for me to continually define them and adhere to them.
Good luck--and again, LISTEN to the wise posters here. This is a very valuable resource.
If he refuses to move to a facility he can just rot in his home alone. Literally if need be.
And now trying to take care of grandma from an hour away. Congrats in advance on your baby. You could have that baby any time so make sure that you are ready. Your baby comes first!
Ok, since he's in the hospital, you have a golden opportunity that you should not let go to waste. Let the hospital staff, I think the social worker, know that you are having a baby any minute and there is no one to care for him at home. Push HARD to get him into rehab. That'll buy some time to figure out what to do. Is he still competent? If so, they maybe he will have to figure this out. If not, another idea is to make sure he is sent home with lots of home health care services and have them continue with aides afterwards so that he can get help but you can take care of your baby.
The baby has to come first. You know that, but you may need to hear it.
Some babies are easy and it can pick up and go with them, others are fussy, do not do well with their routine being disrupted and need more attention than seems humanly possible for a parent to give.
Now has your grandpa set up up as his POA? If yes, you can then have his bills sent to you and pay them from the comfort of your home.
Blister packs for his prescriptions and delivery from the pharmacy will take care of that problem.
Many communities have services to help seniors get to and from medical appointments. Look into that, but also look into how many appointments he has and how many he needs.
Here in BC most doctors write prescriptions for 3 months, especially if it is a condition that needs monitoring, diabetes, HBP, blood thinners, etc. My former MIL had her prescriptions renewing all over the place and was at the doctor at least 2x a month. It took me 2 phone calls, one to the pharmacist and one to her doctor's office to get the RXs on the same renewal schedule. She had one trip to the lab after the appointment and the doctor would call with if there was anything to worry about in the results.
Now as far as "homes" go there are a wide range of options. Perhaps a board and care with just a few other residents would work?
Wishing you the best of luck and congrats on the impending arrival of your new baby!
When we have had to stay longish term in areas, we have found these to be nice communities with social activities and pleasant neighbors.
If he is dead set on remaining at home or in his RV this is a good option to get him closer to you and services.
Can he barely pay his bills because of money or other challenges? He knows how to survive with his limited abilities, I wouldn't stress about what he doesn't have, focus on his abilities, he has made it this far.
Congratulations on your new baby!
OP should just tell the hospital social workers/discharge planners that FAMILY will not be physically there. They cannot be with a new baby on the way. Let the professionals decide what to do with that situation.
You have NO IDEA what you're in for. I have 5 kids. I could no more have cared for an aging parent/grandparent than I could have flown to the moon.
You need to set boundaries NOW, before baby shows up. It's NOT your step g dad's call at all. HE does need to make decisions and they need to work for everyone. BUT, baby takes precedence.
DO NOT let this old guy move in with you and fiance and baby. You need to focus on your family. The first few weeks with baby are critical and you will be tired and trying to do 'all the things'.
Maybe gpa doesn't WANT others helping, but that's just too bad. LET HIIM move into his own trailer and let it go. You can do what you can do without being 'there' in person. Setting up his finances, setting up MOW and transport to and from drs appts and such (set up his CC with Uber--easy peasy).
Just please don't let him into your little family circle. Sometimes that works, more often, though, it becomes a nightmare and you need all your strength for the months ahead.
Why not?
"he was dead set we were going to move into his 2 bedroom trailer with him with the new baby. When I told him this was not going to happen and that he should come live with us in our 3 bedroom house with all sorts of room... he said forget it, I'll just live in my RV when the time comes."
Are you going to place the priority on your child, which is what you should do? Even if you got him to move in with you, you wouldn't be placing the priority on your child.
Why can't he go to a facility that isn't far from you? Let others do the caregiving, and you can visit him and be a loving granddaughter and not a 24/7/365 caregiving slave.
No, you can't live with Grandpa in his trailer. Nor should he be coming to live with you. With a trailer and I'm gathering just SS, he needs to apply for Medicaid immediately, which might bring Meals on Wheels for food, a Medi-Van out there for his appointments. As far as bills, have him give you his bank password for one day so you can switch over all his utilities to insta-pay, then help him change his password again and make sure he writes it down somewhere where only he has it since he doesn't want you or anyone as his POA.
There will be home health care resources available, but these people visit only occasionally. With five heart attacks in six months, he may well be at a 24/7 need. It may already be. As I'm consistently saying, not many people have an extra $200K/year to ensure this is done properly, nor do you have the time given the baby and your fiance to do it either.