Hello all, it's been a very rough year. My mom made the decision to stop dialysis and she passed away in March. I found out I was pregnant a month later. My paternal grandmother passed in late October, followed 8 days later by my maternal grandmother (who lived alone and whose estate I am now working to settle with the very limited help of my half brother), Paternal grandmother left my grandfather behind, who is actually completely illiterate and requires help with his medicine, appointments, and paying bills. He is 79 years old and very bullheaded, myself and my fiance are the only people who he will allow to help with anything. He also lives an hour away from me. I am the only family he has left besides a couple of elderly sisters and a few estranged cousins. I am sitting here, 17 days away from baby's due date, wondering how in the world I am going to be able to help him once I have the baby. Shoot, I can barely help him now. An hour's car ride with a baby sitting on my bladder is nearly impossible. And I know I can't take the baby back and forth in the freezing cold once he's here. Grandfather is currently in the hospital for what they think is his 5th heart attack in the last 6 months because he refuses to settle down. I am at my wits end, everyone. I feel so alone and so overwhelmed, and so does grandpa. I cannot put him in a home, I just watched my mom die in a home this year and I won't do that. But I am not sure of any home health programs that are actually affordable for an elderly man who already struggles to pay his bills? I appreciate any ideas guys thank you.
His only input is that you must uproot your family and live in his two bedroom trailer. Does he also expect you will also change jobs or is he thinking you will drive an hour back each way to work? And of course chip in because he already can't pay his own bills.
He refused your generous offer of having him come to your home. In other words, his way or the highway. That's really not a good position of argument from someone who is unable to care for themselves, expecting someone else to pitch in, and just had yet another health crisis (and toss in a new baby). Really?
Because you are ready to have a baby and CANNOT help him for the time being, he is an unsafe discharge. He cannot adequately care for himself and there is no one else able to meet his needs. The hospital will them at least rehab him somewhere and it will go from there. He will at least be safe and care for in the meanwhile.
I've come to the conclusion that "homes" (assisted are skilled) are what they are. They are not and never will be home. But those that need that assistance don't have another choice....unless they can get a family member to upend their lives to care for them. Not everyone can just do that. And its okay to say no. When the elder doesn't prepare for their aging, all you can do is all you can do. It won't be perfect, ever. Mother didn't like her recent stint there, but if she is unable to maintain herself in a reasonable manner in her home which "some help" from me, she will have to do something else. Remaining in her home requires me to live next door.....which wasn't my future plan at all.
Honestly, it's bad enough that you'll be settling an estate while caring for a newborn. I don't see how you can take this on. It's noble of you to insist that your grandfather not go into a facility, but I'd urge you to take another look at that option. You tried your best by offering to open up your home to him, which was very generous for a grandchild, and he didn't want that. What are you supposed to do? He's almost leaving you with no choice. I'm just sorry you're going through this, and hope you can find some livable solution. Best wishes for the final weeks of your pregnancy.
Make it clear: Your baby is your priority. You have room for him in your life, but it'll be at your house, not his. The baby's needs and schedule by necessity come first, so if he wants help, the ball's in his court and he knows how to get it.
If Gpa is in hospital/rehab right now, you have a golden opportunity to place him someplace safe and close to you.
Work with the discharge planners to get him into a good place.
Enough great ideas have been offered. MJ1929 is right. The impending birth gives you a great way to extricate yourself from an unproductive dance with him and your desire to do your duty. Counseling will help you navigate the situation and keep boundaries and fulfill your family and personal obligations. You can love and caretake in a healthy way. Prayers for your strength.
As for you, right now you have other priorities that you need to worry about. Once your little one is born, you will not be too keen on jumping in the car with a newborn, especially in the cold winter. Good luck!