My mom is midway+ through vascular dementia. Same symptoms as Alzheimers, just a different timeline.
Mom lives by herself and she should not be. I was going for several hours 5 days - every week, but my son developed some serious health issues - my focus must be for him. I now go 2 days a week and we have outside help 3 days for 4 hours a day. Brother pops in the evening and sister for a minute on the weekend. Mom does not eat unless I make her and someone sits with her. I am the only one who sits with her. She won't drink unless she is made to.
We have had 2 family conferences with Mom's doctor about the need for placement in a home or having substantially more outside help, but my POA brother will not do it. My sister didn't come to either meeting.
He told me he has seen all of the incidences I have told him about. It makes no difference. He says she is fine for now. NO SHE IS NOT! I have worked for a year to get more help and/ or placement. On mother's day of this year, my brother finally agreed to start the process - however, he was leaving it to me. I told him I cannot start the process - he is POA - he has to do it. Immediately it was a big fat no way. He doesn't want to be the bad guy - but he was willing to let me. Okay. It needs to be done. Her doctor was ready to write the order before the first conference, but couldn't since I am not POA.
The only thing I can do is step back completely and let them take care of everything. I will call Adult Protective Services if they do not act. I will still visit with Mom and check on her, but I will not wait to get into legal trouble because of elder neglect. And that's what will happen if anything happens and Mom ends up in the hospital with injury from a fall, or whatever. It is a matter of time before another fall happens. I don't know if this about preserving what little money she has, or the emotional aspect, or just plain stubbornness. Mom's situation is not good and I am afraid for her safety. Her wellbeing must come before what she or we want.
If APS shows up in the house, it is clean and she is lucid, will they really do anything?
Could you talk your mother into "voluntarily checking herself in" to AL?
All options.
You can challenge his POA in court, but it's going to cost.
Sometimes we actually do have to let Humpty Dumpty fall off the wall to be able to make changes. A lot of adult children simply can't handle the idea that mom/dad is old enough to need more help, or isn't safe at home. Decision making is clouded by what they want to be true versus reality.
There is nothing you can do to change your brother's perception of this & the world. He will have to experience the "load of bricks" the universe will drop on his head.
Her doc would write the order in a heartbeat, but, whether my brother would accept it is different ballgame. If APS got involved it might scare him enough to act. I don't know what will happen, okay? I would hope they would make him see the need for placement, but if her doc couldn't do it, they probably couldn't either. Except for the threat of legal action. That is what I am trying to avoid. I gave her doctor my full diary from October until a couple of weeks ago. He has a letter from a therapist Mom had, and the letter I will give my siblings. I don't want to do this, but I have to do something. The more I bring it up, the more stubborn and nasty they both become. Neither he or my sister did anything about the big ugly skin cancer on her face - I did. I had to guilt him into taking her for the surgery. That is what I'm up against.
Perhaps your time off is a reason to put mom in a temporary respite program. This is a great way to Try Before You Buy.
It sounds like a communication breakdown between you & brother. Forget about the others for a minute. Do you actually have a list of your brother's specific objections, or is this just assumption from experiences? Maybe his objections need to be addressed one by one and then the obstacles are cleared. Take him on a tour of the place, eat lunch there with mom, let him ask as many questions as he wants.
Only you know his style, but if he is the kind of person who needs time to gather information, then more time to process, think, and will ultimately respond, but not immediately, that's how it's going to have to be. These kinds of thinkers will not be pushed or rushed. I get frustrated as heck with them, but I have to work with them in my job all the time. Sometimes just being quiet and waiting will get a decision faster than demands, threats, and strong words.
I assume you came for advice, and my advice is to have a 10 day cooling off period for everybody where this is absolutely not discussed. You take some time off.
Another option is to get a professional mediator involved. This neutral 3rd party can work wonders in situations like this. They can eliminate the competitive nature of the discussion, get everyone to talk and listen, and come to an agreement. Family Court where I am uses this *a lot* to keep people out of court. It's a far sight less expensive too.
You don't have to provide specific details other than that he needs your attention and you have to cut back on your hours. If brother steps in for more of the heavy outlay of work, he might see things differently.
From my perspective, his physical role is minimal, so he could benefit from an opportunity to get the full picture.
Naturally the care center wants to be assured that they will be paid. That is probably why they want to make sure the person with the checkbook is on board.
How long will Mom's money last in the center you've selected? When would she need to apply for Medicaid? Does this center take Medicaid? POA has to deal with these kinds of things.
If her doctors think Mom needs 24-hour care and she is not getting that, I see neglect. Does POA brother think bringing in more in-home care would be better than a care center? How long would Mom's money last, doing that.
The neglect has already begun -- it does not sound like the paid help + family help equals what the doctors say she needs. If a neighbor or some other person calls APS, this could get more than a little embarrassing for family.
Have you considered going to your elder law attorney for advice on what can be done?
Call APS. Call them every day if you have to. Do what you must to get mom placed in care. Her health and mind may very well improve once she is in the right environment and not falling.
A POA cannot withhold health care and obstruct the person they are attorney-in-fact for. It's not the same level of control as guardianship, so by doing nothing, he is actually causing her harm. HE ought to be concerned about a knock on his door about this.
Call the police to go do a welfare check on her. They will do that for the elderly. That is another way to get authorities involved. If she is hurt, have her sent by ambulance to the hospital and do not go get her at discharge. The social worker at the hospital will find a place for her.
Call them, call them, call them.
With regard to your mom sounding like a petulant little girl, due to the damage in her brain, that's exactly where she is, cognitively.
Your sibs will be mad at you for a while, but they'll get over it. Or not. If they are like camels, the grudge will last forever. But at least you'll have the peace of mind of knowing you did the right thing.
So what happens when petulant mom fires the caregiver?
The lawyer will know what to say in the letter. Send it certified mail. Maybe, that will get his attention. If he thinks lawyers will get involved and he'll be taken to court, perhaps he'll see a lawyer himself, which is good. They will tell him what danger he and his mom are in. Maybe, he'll listen to them.
Sounds like you have a lot on your plate including you son's health issues. He should be your first priority. It's sad that your POA brother is being selfish in not wanting to get the best care for your mom. You sure have done your share in caring for her and wants what's best. If you don't mind my saying so, the longer the waiting game goes on, the more neglect your mom endures. Something needs to be done as soon as possible to be sure she gets the care she needs. Your brother should be ashamed of himself for causing issues. Sure he doesn't want to sign something to get her into a place where care comes first, but nobody wants to see their loved one in a nursing facility (he's not the only one). Even if he's a POA, that doesn't mean he gets to choose where she should be living. If all he has to do is sign a paper, then he should just do it, never mind worrying that he's the bad guy! Once your mom is situated, it will be better for all of you and will free up the time you need so you can focus on your son; you also won't have to worry that she's not eating, getting the medicine she needs, etc. She will be well cared for and when you go to visit, you'll be more relaxed and enjoy the time together. Hope this helps - remember take a few moments for yourself and get re-charged so you can do the things you need for your family.
Well darling brother, you already are the bad guy by being so weak, ignorant, selfish, and uncooperative over this.
The GOOD PEOPLE step up, take responsibility, do the work, make the plans, and execute. They get off their rear end, educate themselves on the disease and options, and get it done instead of hiding from it like a scared little child. Be an adult already.