My mom lives alone in an apartment. We have hospice coming in but she is getting so bad she can't even get out of bed. I work and Hospice doesn't have enough services to look out for her several times a day. She doesn't want to go into a nursing home and I can't make her. There is no POA.
When my mom was first driven to the nursing home she was to live in she raised a fuss - within 15 minutes she was saying how nice it was - she still asks to move to 'her own place' - she denies needing help ... legally low vision/blind, diabetic, in wheelchair [acquired brain injury], incontinent etc ... but she thinks she doesn't need help ...dahhhh
When she was there for a few months, she said she loved having 'things to do' & was never bored - now she can't remember when she goes to activities - they keep track of what she participates in & I find she is at more than 1 activity a day - like bingo [number & spacial recognition], music, cookie baking etc
When your mom needs the help, she will not say 'I want to go to a nursing home' as her cognificate abilities will be gone - mom will soon be 91 - with all her problems, she swears she doesn't need help & can live on her own - if I allowed that I could be charged with elder abuse due to abandonment!
I have resolved not to feel guilty when mom asks for something she can't reasonably have - someone said that a person with dementia is a 3 years old that has much experience - I bring a treat to start our visit well - she now associates me with a positive experience rather than negative which is good
We [caretakers] have to stop being the 'child' but assume the parental role but in as gently way as possible - their experience will sometimes resurface but that is to be expected - try to be gentle as possible, but be kind while doing gentle nudging them where they must head to
Your mom might eventually need to go into a nursing home, so prepare yourself - if possible have her go for 'respite' while you are away a few times so that she gets used to situation - I heard of 1 [initially reluctant] person who at end of second time said 'must I go home .. it's so much more fun here'
Change is hard at their age, so reluctance is to be expected & money can be an issue depending where you live - however if you ever think you need to take a short nursing course to cope with the higher nursing skills she needs, then you have reached your limit of personal care & maybe professionally trained people are needed - don't buy into familial guilt that it's 'your duty' - I firmly believe mom has lived longer & better than if I was her only [untrained] caregiver ... think about it long & hard as all who are on this site have done for our loved ones - good luck but remember you are not alone there are hoards of us who have 'been in the trenches' too
I've sometimes considered that family caregivers could actually be doing a disservice to their parent. If a parent was in AL, then they would have incentive to get up and dressed. There would be people their own age about. They wouldn't be sitting in their pajamas in front of a TV all day long, waiting for God.
I do wish these places were more affordable. It is a question that I wish someone would ask the presidential candidates. They talk about war and healthcare, but no one asks about the problems of aging.
I respectfully disagree. I am just about at this point with my mom. The sole caregiver. No one else except paid helpers in her home. I know if/when I get to this point, I will have NO guilt about an outside placement. I believe God has a life plan for each of us. Personally, I don't believe that for me it is "to sacrifice my life" for my 90-year-old mom, for whom I already have sacrificed many years of my life - basically she wouldn't probably still be here if it wasn't for my sacrifice. As has been said many times, every situation is unique and the solution is rarely clearcut, black and white. I would never advocate sacrificing your life for another unless it is throwing yourself in front of a car to save the life of a child about to be run over or some such thing. Just my opinion.