How much more are we expected to do?
Well, over the last month; I have taken 4 days off from work to visit mom. Mom is 91, lives independently in her own home and lives about 6 hrs away. Mom appreciates my visits and I spend quality time with her, usually a full 12 hrs a day where I go for a walk with her, drive her around town, eat meals out, run errands together and just generally visit before I head back to a hotel (no; I don't stay overnight with her). Its not unpleasant, but wearying because we go over the same "ground" over and over.
Mom is very lonely. I have done everything I can think of including accompanying her to senior center to introduce "this concept" and she always says she'll go but then never takes the initiative. SHe has no friends; all prior friends or neighbors have given up on her as she cuts them off on the phone (if she answers) and refuses any social invitations.
I have offered many options, including moving to my hometown or even AL in her town; or merely getting some help or companions for her -- all refused. SHe understands I work full time, have a family and have no intention of moving back or retiring; but sadly, it is hard for her to accept and she says little things to guilt me about not visiting more or staying extended periods. My brother has nothing to do with her and rarely even calls her. He lives on the west coast and has no intention of visiting.
This week, I visited again (as I had business meetings nearby). I took her out all day and again, we visited senior center in which she saw a friend (I thought HURRAH!). The woman encouraged mom to come and they exchanged phone numbers. Then mom asked me to drive by another old friend's house and she wondered if the woman still lived there. I drove up and encouraged her to knock on the door. She did and the woman was welcoming and we went into her home and I sat as they visited. The woman (who is mom's age) was glad to see her and told mom they missed seeing her and encouraged her to come back to church, go to senior center, etc. and even said she was looking at senior apts in the area.
Then I took mom to dinner with a friend of mine who joined us and we all had a good time. Mom spoke all evening about how she enjoyed seeing her friends again. I encouraged her to go to senior center the next day and go back to church (they even offered to pick her up).
I left and she was crying and asking me to come back after my meetings this week, but I told her that I couldn't and was returning home; but would try to get back next month.
SHe has called me 2 times today weepy. I asked if she had gone to the senior center this week and she said that she hadn't and made her usual excuses about rain, etc.
I'm fed up. Its starting to affect my ability to concentrate at work and I feel guilty. She interrupted me with calls today twice while I was in meetings. We go thru this same scenario at every visit. I realize she is lonely and I tell her only she can change that. These friends are also elderly widows and "living life"; mom refuses to do so and tells me "well they have their children here". I'M ABSOLUTELY SICK OF HEARING THAT MANTRA" -- she hasn't had children nearby in 20 years.
When we do go out or about town, she hangs on me; physically hangs on me. I know I'm her only contact but it gets to me. She won't even order off a menu by herself. If she makes a selection and I choose something else, she changes her order to get exactly what I'm having. I can't even go to the bathroom myself that she doesn't follow me (one of the reasons I stay in a hotel at night, so I get a break).
I read that she had dismissed the caregivers that were hired. I get the feeling your mother needs to have one person that she depends on and feels close to -- someone she can trust. It's sad that she doesn't have that one friend to fill this role. It would be great if you could find a caregiver she actually likes and bonds with, so they could do things together.
Since your mother is still legally competent, I don't know how much more you can do. You can't make her move if she doesn't want to. The only thing I can think of is to try to locate a caregiver that she will accept as a touchstone and friend. That is quite a task, I know, particularly from 6 hours away. It may be that you'll have to wait until things fall into place, then decide what needs to be done. I sympathize with you and your mother. I have a hard time understanding the attachment some people have for their homes when they're older. You can't get them out with a shoe horn. I hope you can find someone she likes that can come in to help her.
I don't know what else you can be doing. You are doing everything you can and then some. You can't move in with her and physically make her socialize.
I'm sure her phone calls are draining. Being someone's lifeline is exhausting. Can you cut down on the number of times you speak to her? At least while you're at work? No sense in your mom dragging both of you down.
Drs have been worthles and pretty much gave up on her and now just referring her over to GP Who takes Medicare.
It's just sad. Thx jessebelle; you nailed it as to my being her appendage. I appreciate that she wants to be close to me, but she doesn't respect my advice nor meet me 1/2 way or even 1/10 of the way to make her life quality better. I don't think she wants me to feel guilty about her...but I can't help it. I see a woman who could live another 5yrs or more healthily and throwing it down the tube. Then I see so many elders infirm and they keep up activities and are social even with limitations. It's inspiring; I point that out to mom and all she wants to do is pity them.
I do limit my calls and let her download or feel sorry for herself and then always end the conversation that I love her but only she has the power to make things different. Sometimes I pray that she does go to the hospital and we can get the ball rolling to AL or in home care (mandated). That all for your feedback and support. Guess I just needed some affirmation.
My therapist told me that my parents made their choice to continue to live in their own home, thus they have to live with the responsibility that comes with that choice. But the guilt my parent throw at me every now and then. I got to remember "their choice" and say it over and over again in my mind.
Sometimes I think it is my parents generation [they are in their 90's] and how their parents had lived when older.... both my grand-parents stayed in their own homes that once were working farms. It wasn't until a very serious illness that they finally went into a nursing home. My parents siblings also stayed in their own homes until the final days. Therefore, my parents can't break tradition.
I plan to break tradition. Those resort style retirement communities look very inviting :)
After watching Teepa's video, I understand that's just a part of my mom's mental decline now and she can't help it. While she still has some good cognitive function (she does her daily crossword and reads novels and does word finds), she can't get herself started to do most anything. So understanding this, I have to adjust my expectations about her mental state. Lucky for me, my mom is still very independent and isn't stuck to me like your mom is.
I had hoped that once she was settled into the nursing home she would participate with the activities there, but alas no. When I visit her she is usually sitting alone in her room with the t.v. off. I asked her today what she thinks about all day cause I think thats all she does.
Today when I visited we placed a bet on how long it would take before a leaf dangling outside her window would last before it hit the dirt with all the other leaves. So I guess these are the things that amuse her now.
I wish she would mingle but I think I wish it more for myself cause it would make me happy to imagine her having interaction but she seems content to sit and stare out her window all day so cest la vie I guess.
I wonder, maybe the time has come to stop consulting her about what she wants to do and make the decisions for her. It's almost as though that's actually what she would like: someone to look after her and be in charge. So, hypothetically at least, what arrangement do *you* think would be the most practical for you and best for her combined?
I know many of you are thinking, well why doesn't she just have Xmas or thanksgiving with mom....it's because she won't stay by herself in a hotel and we have to put kids and their spouses in hotel if mom stayed here...also, she hangs on me and follows me around or is up at night so bottom line...it would make the holiday miserable and tense for me. So we just make it a point of visiting her before or after the holiday. Funny, I wish she lived nearby so I could just have her with family for a few hrs and then return her home so everyone gets the break they need.
I feel for all of you full time caregivers, so my situation seems minor and I don't want everyone thinking I'm in a pity party..believe me, I count my blessings and realize how fortunate I am.
For the life of me, I wish these seniors would just make plans and not be so stubborn. Believe me, if I could take charge and make her do something, I would. But I'm certain she would call the police on me or call her lawyer and although I might win the battle I would lose the war. And it would be a long drawn out legal drama with dr evaluations, court appearances, etc. Hell, APS came 4wks ago and didn't even see her, just talked to her on the phone and followed up with a form letter "case closed, client refuses services".
Having to transition my mom to a nursing home was I can honestly say the worst time of my life. She has never been just my mom but also my best friend.
Getting the doctor to intervene felt like a betrayal on my part but if he had not my mom for sure would probably not be with us anymore.
Never feel like you are not worthy of sympathy.
This is the email I sent to my brother:
Dad had requested for me to go buy an apple an rose for their 63rd anniversary. Also took them to K AN W after we shut down debit cards. Had trouble getting money out first time at ATM THEREFORE had to call dad to get pin. That's what got mom going on Closing them down.
Then dad wants to give the guy that carried his tray 2 bucks at k an w, an mom was worried about running out of money. Same ol same ol!!!
Yet I am running around getting the apple from a special place an roses,
Not to mention:
Oct 4- urgent care
Oct 5- rite aid to get dad cough drops an Popsicles as he had sore throat!
Oct 10 - costco with mom needed supplies
Oct 12- closing down their debit cards an taking them to dinner
Oct 16- get dads shirts altered
Oct 16- go to bbt to sign up for visa credit card
That's just the stuff I remember. Not including gazing up car, trip to get tires fled up, walmart etc etc ETV! They don't see how much they require an wAnt. Praising everyone for there help when I'm doin the most!
I really KNOW ITS NOT GOING TO CHANGE but am so hurt as they really think they r that fun to be around. Like I have all this time to do all this stuff! Richard is still home sick. He requires a lot too! So going from one household to the other.
Not really taking care of me. I have lab tomorrow, BLOOD PRESSURE APPT -back injection appts an can barely fit in time for me as its clothes, alterations, new credit cards, dad going to urgent care when his X-ray was clear ! My vote never counts. Mom never listens to my info I give her on debit cards etc. She plays coy but this is all not me!
I am glad you were available to tell her today but it just cuts the wound deeper as then she makes it about dad doesn't want to get rid of the debit card as he wants to use it at the ATM. SHE SAYS she can go get the Visa cards but if they go alone they won't ask the right ? About yearly fees, total amount I have to spend, on line banking acess, then I just have to go back later an fix it! It's too much!
My folks live alone in their own home, so they are considered living Independently. But wait, they no longer drive. Oops, how will they get their groceries, go to the doctors, get a hair cut, go to Target or Home Depot, or the dentist, the bank, get their car inspected [they keep the car so I can drive it, aren't I lucky, that cruise ship on wheels makes me car sick], and who is going to pick up their mail at the post office [here's a novel idea, have your mail delivered to the nice mailbox at the end of your driveway].... [sigh]
Picture it. Instead of looking forward to the holidays, which after all are supposed to be a time of warmth, love and time with one's family, you're dreading it. Whereas, with your mother in one of those excellent facilities you've already checked out, you could be doing your thing and actually *scheduling in* a one or two hour break where you go and have a cup of coffee and a nice piece of cake with your lovely mother, whom you're not running yourself ragged looking after because other people of making a good job of that, and enjoy making a fuss of her. Then you go home and get back to work making the holiday. Imagine that: visiting your mother becoming a pleasure instead of a back-breaking chore. Plus the children could perhaps even visit their grandmother independently? - she'd be the envy of the ALF if that might happen.
I should start balls rolling, if I were you. It'd take so much stress off everyone concerned.
Don't pick a fight with her. Just down tools, and every time she comes up with a demand you assert the better option. She needs to see more of you? Well, there's the answer! She can't manage well on her own? Same answer. She's bored, lonely and unhappy? Guess what.
I suppose it's a matter of standing still and waiting patiently for her to come to the same conclusion as you have. I agree, push it on her and she'll push back - until she's in such a poor condition that she can't, in which case she'll have a much harder time adjusting to the move, so that's not what you want. But meanwhile harden your heart: do less, answer the phone less, and feel *entitled* to take more time for yourself and your family. You're mother isn't being reasonable about her own best interests, but you don't have to accommodate her.
Sunflo, sad to say, if your mother will not see YOUR point of view and meet you halfway on YOUR needs, if that's going to make her call her lawyer and write you out of the will or whatever, then she's going to have to step up to the plate and hire herself some help. Because as we all point out to each other here, 1/3 of all caregivers die before their charges do. It's the most obvious way in which this caregiving shtick is SO very different from parenting.
And believe me, the stress doesn't go away once their in a facility. It's mostly that you get a better night's sleep, most of the time.
I have hardened my heart some and am putting myself first, self preservation. I still have the guilt but not the tears over this thanks to all of you.
I know my energy level has been cut by 50%... takes me twice as long to do household chores.... in fact, many of those chores go by the way side and rarely get done. Yet my parents still think I am in my 40's [I am pushing 70] and can still do everything.... NOT.
I hope and pray that my mom will remain safe in her nursing home.
I am worried that my Dad might pass on before my Mom, and Mom won't want to be by herself, and she would refuse to move to a senior care facility. She refuses to let strangers in the house, so any thought of paid help wouldn't work. And that she would want me to move in with her, into a house that is like a sauna year round, and how on earth do I say no to her, yada, yada, yada. Dad on the other hand would be ok with moving. Lot of sleepless nights for me :(