My husband has 3 sisters and when his mom was nearing the end of her battle with cancer, they all stepped in; sisters, nieces, nephews, grandchildren, etc.
He worked a job where he could take off work and take her to appointments when needed or work from home. His mother was loved by all of her family and had a great relationship with all children.
My mother and I on the other hand have had a strained relationship; for 14 years we had no relationship. She's manipulative, narcissistic, negative, feels entitled, expects to be treated like the matriarch but her behavior does not warrant it.
I've shared ALL of my frustrations with my husband over the years, and when I completely break down, he says that I'm not alone and that he will help out more, but he doesn't. When I asked him the other day to make a simple phone call to my mother so that I could take a nap, he said he would, then later when I woke up (6 hours later) he had not and it was too late to call. When I reminded him that 'he promised' he said, I forgot.
My mom is a handful and I am the only one of our immediate family left and she's the last of her siblings. I could go on and on but I think I've given enough information.
I'm not sure if I'm over-reacting, being over-sensitive or dealing with my own menopausal issues but he doesn't understand the stress of doing this alone since he had "a village" to assist...and he's male. Not trying to be sexist but I just don't think he can fully understand the dynamics of a mother daughter strained relationship.
I am great at disconnecting in order to protect my feelings or to keep from being disappointed and I don't want to do that with him. I also don't want to talk about it then have him respond as if I'm making a big deal out of nothing, that would only invalidate what I'm feeling and make me retreat even more.
Any ideas on how to approach the topic with him?
Perhaps he really did forget. Perhaps he thinks your mother didnt "need" a phone call.
Why are you continuing to subject yourself to a narcissistic and manipulative person? Perhaps your husband is modeling how to get out of this trap of responding to your mom.
It has happened before but no more than 5 times throughout our entire 13 years together, so it is possible that he simply forgot.
I am the only family member around to take care of my mom's affairs so I can't, in good conscious, just turn my back on her. No matter how manipulative and narcissistic she is, she's still my mom.
So, I've decided to hire outside help, set healthy boundaries and not expect my husband to do anything outside of what he wants to do; my mother's care is not worth putting a strain on my marriage.
Thank you so much for responding, it really helps to hear other perspectives.
what I see is your realionship with someone who does not respect you or value you. I mean both your Mom and Husband.
it is one thing to “forget” once in a great while....but...your husband not only does that but then disrespects you’re feelings too?
you need to talk with him and tell him what you just told us. His behaviors is causing you to withdraw from him...is this what he wants? Have you told him the damage he is doing to your relationship? Perhaps counseling is what you need, but, for sure you need to tell him how he is making you feel.
as for Mom...in your situation, I would once again isolate myself from her. You said for 14 years you had no relationship at all...maybe you need to go back to that and avoid her completely?
Yes, I did feel disrespected and I will approach the topic with him and share once I have had an opportunity to set things in motion with my mom so that I can sleep at night.
The key for me is to make sure she's taken care of and not just turn my back on her when she needs me most; but to do it in such a way that it doesn't ruin my marriage, my life, my sanity or my health.
To your point, I am setting and keeping healthy boundaries; she doesn't like them but she will manage.
Thank you for thinking of my feelings, nice to know there is true support here in the group.
Everyone wants to help the first mom, and mom appreciates it, no one wants to help the second and when you do she does not appreciate it or finds fault.
What mom would you want to help.
If he made that call, how would she talk to him? I put off doing a lot of things that I know I am going to not enjoy and often I truly forget that they need to be done. So I understand how he could forget to make that call. And it sounds like you did not WANT to make that call either, a phone call does not have to take long you could have made the call in 5 minutes then go take a nap. But you probably knew that if you called it would not be a 5 minute call it would be all sorts of drama, the same reason he did not want to make the call.
How can he "understand" a strained mother/child relationship when he had a good relationship? forget the mother/daughter relationship is totally different than a mother/ son one.
Maybe create you own "village"
Does mom have friends that can help out? Friends from Church or other organization?
If mom is at home (as indicated in your profile) maybe moving her to Assisted Living might help. She would have contact with more people, there would be staff to help her and she would have something to keep her occupied. (if nothing else it would give he more to complain about and it sounds like she loves that)
Another option would be getting a caregiver/companion to help out 1 time a week. That would take one day off your plate.
How to approach the topic with him..what you wrote.."I am great at disconnecting in order to protect my feelings ".......through to....."that would only invalidate what I'm feeling and make me retreat even more." you should read to him. I think you have expressed yourself well.
I've decided to hire a home care worker to visit my mom 2 times a week, you can only imagine how much stress that took off of me; I do not like her very much but I do love her as my mom so knowing that someone else is taking care of her during the week takes a lot of pressure off of me.
I have also decided that my mother will not be a topic of my marriage to the degree that it begins to cause a wedge between my husband and I, I'm not willing to do that, I love US too much and he is truly an amazing husband.
Your assessment of both of us avoiding the call is spot on, it is never 5 minutes for me and always negative, that would have ruined my chance at a peaceful rest (which lasted for 6 hours). My husband steers clear of confrontation as much as possible so he may not have had the energy to do so and it just slipped his mind. I can see that too.
Thanks for your candor, the way to approach the topic using what I've already written and for sharing your thoughts with me; they are truly appreciated.
I've since decided to hire a home care worker to go by my Moms twice a week and I have pushed back on a few of her manipulative demands, so it's safe to say that the displaced anger I had towards my husband has been redirected into a more healthier combination of support. What I am unable to do I've hired help to do so. I think having this safe space to vent and get honest objective feedback has been truly helpful.
Thank you for responding.
I no longer ask my husband to help with Mom for a couple of reasons.
Mom is incredibly disrespectful and even hateful towards my husband. When he does help or visit she treats him badly and his help was never enough. She does the same to my brother-in-law.
My standard of what "needs" to be done for Mom is quite different from his. My relationship with Mom is based on a lifetime of me catering to her neediness. Although I have gotten help and no longer am completely ruled by her manipulations, I still have an overblown sense of obligation to her. My husband does not share that and my trying to drag him into it causes him to be resentful.
I no longer ask for his help with Mom but I do ask him to be there for me in other ways which he is happy to do. If I sit down and count all the things my husband does for us it's a pretty long list, it just doesn't include catering to Mom. It took me a while but I'm ok with that and our marriage is much better for it.
Best of luck to you. This stuff is hard.
Thank you for sharing.
Your response let me know that I'm not alone in this and provided a way for me to minimize the friction between my husband and I, thanks again.
Does he often FORGET when he says he will do something for you? That’s a different problem that has nothing to do with your mother. What went on with him and his mother is irrelevant unless you were doing for his mother as well and somehow expected him to return the favor. Even then, were you alone in that assumption?
Get a therapist to help you manage these feelings and try not to create a problem with your husband where mom is concerned. Mom has nothing to do with this IMO.
YOU not WANTING to call mom would be more the issue from what you wrote.
Hopefully the one missed phone call is just that and not a reason to decide DH is dispensable.
The comment about his mother was to show the difference in the level of support he had with his vs. what I have with mine. We did discuss the difference between the two and he assured me that he would be there every step of the way to help with mine and to support me through it but what we discussed and what actually happens now are two different things and after taking the weekend to think about it, I hired help and will not hold him to it. He may have felt one way then and somehow has shifted, which he is entitled to do...so I had to shift as well.
Just to clarify, he saw how exhausted I was and suggested I take a nap and not to worry because he would call her so that I could sleep, thus, the expectation that he would follow through.
I so appreciate you giving it to me straight and the suggestion for the therapist, thank you.
She wasn't drinking water or taking meds regularly in an independent living facility which causes her to be very disoriented. She is an extreme extrovert and is losing her mind (literally) not being able to socialize and get her daily exercise so she feels cut off from the world. (She's been in the ER once and admitted for two days for a battery of tests, both returned with the diagnosis that she was dehydrated.)
In addition, she feels like she should be living with me in our home; not going to happen and so she does things to get attention stating that if she lived with me, these things wouldn't be happening.
I know that part of it is her getting old but the other part of it I've experienced and moved away from for years; the narcissistic/manipulative part of it.
So to make sure that I can work, in peace, I've hired an home care worker to go check her meds, fill up her pill box, make sure that she's drinking water and eating, etc.
Miraculously, after she had about 5 people to call me and attempt to guilt me into moving her into my home and I shared with them the truth of the situation, she and I had a conversation where it was obvious that someone got through to her and she has been much more attentive to what she needs to do and seems to have accepted the fact that her antics to get into my home are not working.
I will continue to look into moving on the next step ALF as there is a decline in her mental faculties but not yet severe enough to move her to a facility. I can guarantee you that once the "stay at home" order is lifted, so will the decline in her cognitive abilities. She's quite the actress and always has been.
You are correct, I have hired a home care worker for twice a week with my mom and I have cleared my calendar and schedule my days so that I can spend more quality time with him, without the frustration or expectation of him being there for my mom. He has stated that it is hard for him not to say anything to her when he sees/hears something that he feels is disrespectful to me so I won't subject him to much of that anymore.
I'm going to be grateful for whatever he can provide and pass the "expectation" off to the individuals that are being paid to care for her. I know that I've done all that I can and will continue to love her and care for her just not to the detriment of my marriage.
Thank you so much for speaking directly; I appreciate it.
He has not done one single thing to help with needs or care of my mother. And when I went through cancer last year, he simply turned all emotions into anger. Not at me, specifically, but he was angry all the time. I'm still healing from chemo and he is NOT nice, most of the time, makes snarky comments and thinks he's funny.
His mother kicked me to the curb 2 months ago and screamed at me to 'never come back' and I will not. Now DH is blaming me for his 'inability' to go see his mother (talk about convoluted thinking!) so I asked him when was the last time he did ANYTHING for MY mother and he had to admit it has been more than 10 years. He hasn't even SEEN her for 5. But, he insists that I "grow up" and take the abuse his mother heaps on me and remember 'she's old'. (what was she 45 years ago?? This is not a new dynamic!!)
Trying to talk this through is impossible. He is not a caregiver, he is just missing that gene, somehow. I know he is trying to be better, but he'll never be the kind of CG that I need or want. My kids said if I die first, they will put their dad in an ALF within a month. He simply cannot do the most basic CG things.
My mom likes to think that she can get away with so much because she's old as well, however, that's just not the case.
Do the best you can in this situation and know that you're not alone. If only couples were allowed to see a glimpse into the future of what a life would be like at this stage with their potential spouses, I wonder if they would make the same selection.
Give some deep thought to how much you can and will do and just do that. If you weren't there, how would your mom get things done? Help her set that up, whether she wants to or not.
You are already feeling the physical strain of this burden. You will do yourself and your mom a favor if you start getting some outside help.
I agree, with you that it is my problem, in addition to the outside help you recommended, I also need to remember to set healthy boundaries and then keep them.
I appreciate you taking the time out to answer my question, thanks again.
Its happened on occasion but he really could have forgotten this time.
She's my mom and I'm the only family member that is around to look after her. Do know that I am setting and keeping healthy boundaries so that I can do for her without it being a detriment to myself.
Yes, I've been in this trap for quite a while but she's not changing so I plan to do the necessary work on me.
Thanks so much for the "straight talk," I really appreciate it.
I look at this as others responded, DH may not like Mom because of the way she has treated you. May have said yes knowing u would get off the phone upset and wouldn't be able to sleep.
I wouldn't hold this against DH. Continue with you Boundries. As long as you keep Mom safe and cared for, thats all u need to do. I will assume you know that Mom will not be able to be alone forever. Once placed in LTC, a lot of responsibility will be taken off ur shoulders.
The key is to just sit down at the kitchen table with him and tell him the truth; that mother is an Energy Vampire & sucking the life out of you. And that you need his help. Men generally WANT to help, they just don't know how unless they are told exactly how, when, where and why.
Men need to be TOLD what to do explicitly. And then reminded a few times, too. Don't feel badly about that, either. TELL him what you need, THANK him for his help, REMIND him to actually DO it, and then move on. After he makes the call, thank him profusely and tell him how much you appreciate being let off the hook and how much you needed the break from the brain damage.
Don't overthink it. Just do it. As instructed above. He'll live through it, trust me........but if you don't ask for and take help, YOU may not. Chronic stress from difficult mothers who we have strained relationships with will take their toll on us. HARD. Not worth it.
GOOD LUCK!
I am happy to read that it really is a non issue and you have taken proactive steps to make sure that she has her needs met.
Well done!
You're comparing - not apples and oranges. Ice cream and cod liver oil. His family relationships and yours are poles apart.
He can't solve the difficult relationship you have with your mother. You're not making a big deal out of nothing. You're just trying to ignore the actual issue.
My husband’s mother will be 96 in May and currently in a MC unit. He worries about any little thing at the drop of a hat. Wants to rescue her from where she has been for 5 years.
Me, not so much. I told him the burden of caring for an elderly person and am sympathetic to a degree, but I lived through it for 3 long years. I don’t have anything to give regarding my MIL.
Maybe your husband is emotionally scarred as well.
But it WAS only a call, I know. But maybe he DID honestly forget.
Most importantly talk to your husband about this now because she is only going to get worse. He can’t read your mind. Let him know.
my mil has lived next door to us for almost 8 years. She was never able to take care of herself. My husband does the lions share However, I pay her bills, grocery shop, walk her back to her house when she wanders over to her house, give her lunch or dinner when he is not home, and help in lots of other areas. He has 3 siblings. Two live far away. Her daughter asked me who would take care of Mom when she was at the gym. Her son who lives in our town says he is not her caregiver nor our respite.
It is causing major strife in our marriage. I am angry at my husband all the time. He is angry because I lash out.
Bottom line; when you talk to him, make it about you needing help...
and try not to be angry w him if he does not want to help. It would be nice but I feel trapped.
My mother moved in with us about three years ago. She has changed our lives dramatically.
Our lives revolve around her and her needs.
My husband does help out a lot.
But he has an attitude. He gets sarcastic and rude at points.
He has his own health issues also.
Ive noticed that he is jealous of how much time I give to her.
Its very hard to try to take care of both of them without making him feel like I'm neglecting him.
I feel very stressed trying to balance both.
My mom is not easy to live with.
I wish I had more answers.
Maybe someone will have answers that can help with our situation.
Your husband has been your sounding wall for the strained relationship you have with mother. You are not over reacting, but you are asking him to be compassionate when he deals with someone/something that has obviously been draining you for years.
It would be easier to involve your mother in outside groups like adult daycare, senior support groups etc. than becoming resentful towards your spouse for not feeling a sense of responsibility or empathy towards someone you also feel has not earned or deserve it.
My mil is a nice person but she is very opinionated and I really do not like having phone conversations with her as she will go on talking about nothing for so long and complaining about where she lives and the caregivers. Basically she always finds something to complain about. We decided that my role is to handle the finances/accounts for her and my husband does the visits and phone calls and occasionally I go with him to visit.
My husband and I do not like to differentiate his parents from my parents and how we treat them; but rather figure out what each of us is best at doing and focus on that. I would not force your husband to have contact with her as she has not treated you or him nicely and it is probably really hard for him to see her do this to you. Your husband sounds like a good guy and I would suggest putting his needs/desires above your moms as you are in this for the long run with your husband and it probably will not get better with your mom. I would strongly consider moving her into an assisted living facility where she can be cared for and socialize with other people. This has been great for our parents.
Best of luck.
He also went through a tough time and though it may have been a while ago I'm sure the memory still lingers with him . It's not something that he might want to revisit, that crushing responsibility . If he cares , he will have to do a little lifting .
As a caretaker to both my grandparents , ten years apart , I know what that's like, having your life stolen a little . Living for others .
Re asses how much you need to be doing for your mum, emotionally at least . What was the fall out of that call not being made ? Anything ? Nothing ? Perhaps a call every other day or every two days , to give yourself a break sometimes ? I'm not sure with the limited info you gave us. ( no problem , it's personal , I get it )
Perhaps ask him to take one day , Tuesday for example , where he knows he will be the one to make that call so you can rest .
A reminder alarm in his cell phone , if he carries one , might work . A chalk board reminder or a calender where he will see it with "call mom Bob " ( dont know his name ) written in red .
Speak to him honestly and clearly about what you need . You're right , men are often given a pass when it comes to being the caregiver in families . I am in the same situation where it's mom and I doing everything and the five men in the family have to be TOLD exactly what we want / need . No initiative at all.
Caring for a difficult parent is the worst so give yourself a break from feeling obligated to drain yourself to the last drop.
If her physical needs are attended to , her mental needs might not be as pressing if it depletes you.
Set a schedule and stick to it if you can. You might be doing more than you need to for her and draining yourself needlessly .
I know how hard it is as a caretaker myself but I also know that you will be no use to her if you run yourself ragged and ill.
I wish you luck and I see you , you are only human .
Take care of yourself ok ?
My mum too has been manipulative, narcissistic and negative all my life and we have never been emotionally close; now she is in AL round the corner but feels entitled to expect us to drop everything at any time to do her errands/shopping, arrange and fetch medications, take her on any trip she has to make, or we get loud complaints that we are neglecting her. She is 85, yes, and hard of hearing and has vertigo, which conveniently means she won't try to walk even though medics say she should, but she has no major health problems and is capable of far more than she likes to do - this isn't just me being mean; a physiotherapist assessed her and said so. Mum even admits to being lazy, yet my husband goes round several times a week (she would ideally like him there every day) and is her golden boy now; she tells my brother and me how much she misses my husband - whom she treats as if he were her own partner.
I find this very difficult and have tried to explain how I feel, even giving him a book on the problems of daughters with a narcissistic mother, but he thinks I am overreacting and gets all defensive, saying he is 'caught between us and can't please us both'. I point out that he made marriage vows to me, not her, but this doesn't help...
Another problem is that I, having lacked self-confidence all my life and been subject to depression and anxiety on and off, have a long-standing phobia about driving, so he thinks that by driving my mum around he is helping me out - which is true, but just makes me feel even more guilty/angry!
We are in coronavirus lockdown now, of course, and luckily Mum seems to be being looked after well by the staff. I can't help feeling relieved to have a break and a good reason not to visit her (I'm sending parcels and photos of family, etc., as she will have no technology to keep in touch), while my husband feels he has 'abandoned' her. My brother, of course, is not allowed to visit either - but he can claim his busy work and dysfunctional family life as reasons for not getting as involved as we are in caring for Mum (my husband took early retirement the year she moved here, unfortunately, and she has admitted that she wouldn't have come if he hadn't, so it seems she planned all along to use him as her errand boy.)
I'm trying a counsellor to help me process these feelings, as I can't see an end to the situation until my mum dies and do worry about the future of my 32-year marriage. If you find a way to deal with your problem, please let me know!