So we got my FIL moved into his room. We, of course, expected issues from him. He was not happy about moving to begin with. And we have experienced our share of problems with him since move in day.
But honestly, while the rest of the family has been somewhat overwhelmed by the things that have happened....honestly - thank you AC Forum...nothing has shocked me. I told my DH that I wish he had been reading here with me all of this time - even though I have been trying to prepare him with the knowledge I have picked up here.
But most everything that is happening with him is pretty normal. Some "unfortunate" events due to his size and his complete inability to help himself or anyone that is trying to help him. That were a great introduction to the care facility. But nothing they haven't handled even better than expected.
But we have one "small" problem that I can see growing into a big problem no matter what we do.
FIL's younger Sis, his only remaining sibling. She lives in another state. And has not seen him in person in @10 years. They talk frequently on the phone. And at first we considered her an ally. But quickly discovered that she played both sides of the fence but leaned much more his direction when push came to shove.
She seemed very onboard with him moving. She was pleased that we had found a facility that would meet his needs and she even told us that he knew he needed to do it and seemed content with the decision. She was aware that HE was involved in the decision making process every step of the way.
But since he has moved in - she has already made a nuisance of herself. She seems to take everything he says at face value. Which everyone knows you can't do - with most people newly moved to a care facility, but with him especially because he is pathological liar. But he hung the moon for her.
She has already started calling the facility (going around us - texting us but not waiting for a response) And they have asked that she not do that. We aren't even really supposed to do that - we are supposed to call HIM on his cell phone. We have emergency numbers for them if we need to contact them and are encouraged to do so. But if there is an emergency with him THEY will call us And they call us if they have concerns (and they have done so, so we know they do).
We have told her not to call them, that she needs to call US if he is telling her things that concern her. That he is exaggerating the situation to upset everyone and that not everything he says is accurate. We have told her that we have been asked NOT to call the facility directly unless it is life or death,(in other words, urgent or important, not just because he is complaining about something). And that she does not need to call them directly. But we literally cannot control what she does. She hasn't called back yet, but then again he hasn't ramped her up yet.
So I guess my question is - if she keeps bugging them, how tolerant are they? We are doing what we can to get her to stop. HE won't stop exaggerating to her and trying to work her up. HE LOVES THAT! And she feels this overwhelming need to run to his rescue. No matter what we tell her.
I'm half tempted to tell her if she continues to call, that they will block her and not be allowed to talk to her - but unfortunately that's not true and HE can allow anyone he wants access.
I just don't want her to put his residency at risk. Too much work went into him getting this opportunity for her meddling and overindulgence and his puffed-up sense of entitlement that he should be the only person they focus their time and energy on, to derail it at this point.
Someone please tell me if we can't keep her in line that they are just used to people like her that can't control themselves and she isn't going to cause us more trouble than she already does on a regular basis!
She has my sympathy. My brother was just about the best man I've ever known, and I was in charge of his care. And it is worrisome and awful to go through. But she must NOT do this.
The Flying Monkeys thing made me laugh out loud!
Nothing much came of it - we finally had to shut her down. DH doesn't really talk to his aunt - he thinks she is somewhat of a whackadoo and she and I developed a decent working relationship so she reaches out to me frequently for updates about FIL.
We did tell her not to call the facility. FIL continues to try to incite everyone to call the facility constantly on his behalf. We've basically just had to tell him that he has to deal with anything that isn't an emergency on his own. (example, he will push the button to go to the bathroom and 5 minutes later call all 4 of us, separately - hoping to get one of us to bite - yelling that they haven't come to take him to the bathroom and demanding that we call the nurse's station, the front desk, the social worker, the admin - because no one has come yet).
He has accused DH and SIL of not advocating for him and not taking care of him. Those of you that know his abusive and narcissistic history know that it's just more of his typical antics to make DH and SIL feel bad and BIL and I are working on helping them separate what they actually need to respond to from what they can ignore. And flying monkey aunt has stopped trying to call on his behalf and resorted to just commiserating with him - which is fine.
I have a friend who is a 911 dispatcher. You would not believe the calls that she receives. Her job is stressful enough without getting insane calls.
She has to end the ridiculous calls quickly to keep her line open for true emergencies.
I married into a family that was, in many ways, delightful, but stone-out-crazeee in other ways. From the very beginning, I made a vow: “their circus, their monkeys!” And have stuck firmly to that. Wow, am I ever glad!
Women see their role as the peace-keepers, the problem-solvers…well, fine, but don’t whine when all this selfless involvement comes back and bites you right on the butt, while your husband shrugs and lets you write to “support sites” like this one.
Get smart. Tell husband you are DONE, let the meddlesome sister do whatever she likes, and go get a massage and pedicure!
I wouldn't put my worst enemy in any facility that said " don't call us, we'll call you". They are not the employers, they are the employees. Regardless of how much you think your FIL "lies". Do you speak of your 9wn parents this way?
you can talk to the facility and tell them who and who can’t get information. Make sure she is not on the list.
You need to tell her that her brother tends to exaggerate so she needs to take what he says with a grain of salt. That the AL is new and he needs to adjust. This is the best place for him to be. He is cared for and you are his advocate.
Time to take control of the issue before it really gets out of hand.
Most have no idea what it is like to deal with a person with dementia and they are very naive, believe everything they say. Thus creating situations that are not even worth discussing.
I took my stepmother out to lunch on Monday, she told me that she goes on walks outside by herself every day but stays away from the busy HI way, well that is not true, she is in lockdown. Yes, they do group walks on occasion with a care person at the home.
The stories told by people like your stepmom are very common. You know the truth but others don’t! News from people like this always has to be taken with a grain of salt.
I’m sorry that you’re having difficulties with your dad’s sister. You certainly can’t change her behavior or your father’s so don’t even try.
Look, your dad is placed. That’s a wonderful accomplishment, right? So, don’t stress about this. The facility will handle it. Talk to them, write an email or a letter and inquire about this situation if you need to put your mind at ease.
All the best to you and your family.